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Is a one-night stand even cheating?


Lighteninginmyheart

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Lighteninginmyheart

I'm very new to this. While on a trip home to visit friends and family, on Monday, my husband had a one-night stand with a couple he knows from long before we met. He told me about it Tuesday morning. I know he had other flings with this couple before we met and he always assured me that it wasn't so pleasurable, just a stupid drunken thing he had done when he was younger.

 

I have really mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am heartbroken but don't feel like I have the right to the heartbreak that other betrayed spouses have because it was one stupid drunken night with no emotional connection and he confessed at the first possible moment.

 

I'm still angry and hurt and sick and everything else but I wonder if my feelings are valid. And whether we can get to the other side of this faster than it takes tho get through the fallout of a real affair. Oddly, I still trust him much more than makes sense. He had scheduled drinks with his ex on Tuesday and offered to cancel but I didn't hesitate to say it's okay.

 

Maybe that's denial or maybe the trust is less broken because of the circumstances. I'm just really confused. Does anyone else have experience with "barely" cheating?

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I'd say one drunken kiss isn't cheating but full on sex after taking marital vows about forsaking all others . . .yeah absolutely cheating.

 

However if you are OK with forgiving him, that's your business.

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It's cheating, and you have every right to be upset and impose consequences. However, I do believe there are degrees of seriousness when it comes to cheating. A one-time thing that is unplanned/spontaneous, probably under the influence of alcohol, is very different than something that is planned over time, and anything that is a second or subsequent repeat is clearly an intentional choice, and IMO is a much more serious transgression.

 

Whatever "degree" it is, at the very least adjustments to boundaries and behaviors are needed to prevent a future repeat under any conditions. IMO, any repeat is grounds for divorce, and any intentional cheating is grounds for divorce. A one-time unplanned thing may still be more than many can ever forgive, so in every case it comes down to your own views on this. The important item here is that he told you about it right away - he did not hide and lie to you to conceal it, so I think there may be hope of resolving this if you are so inclined.

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Sounds to me like he's grooming you to be mild and tolerant of his cheating. Maybe the one-night stand was just testing the waters to see if he could actually get you to agree to him seeing his ex.

 

Hey, if you don't mind being cheated on that much and think they guy is worth it, then by all means stand back and leave the door open for him. But you better sit down and decide where you draw the line, because once he figures out you're permissive he may start a polygamy compound at your home. So write down where you draw the line. Like when he doesn't use protection, or when the woman gets pregnant, when he breaks up someone's marriage, when you catch him in your bed with another woman, when your future kids get introduced to one of his other women. Don't bring kids into this because if at some point you divorce and he's got other baby mamas, you will have a hard time supporting them. This isn't who you build a family with. This isn't the role model for your kids. What they will learn is it's okay to cheat and a woman should put up with it. Is that what you want for your daughter?

 

And then the other question you should ask yourself is: Would he be forgiving of me if I slept with someone else? Men usually cannot get past that. They're less forgiving then women. So you might even ask him that question.

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I'm not quite sure why you are questioning the validity of your feelings. Feelings don't have a reasonableness level. They don't have to be justified. They just ARE. Actions, however can be unreasonable. His action was unreasonable considering you are married, your feelings are valid.

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Welcome to LS...

 

Seems like there are a couple issues in play....

 

1. The couple. This is a man/woman? Man/man? Woman/woman? Flings? What is that all about? Threesomes? Etc?

 

2. The ex. Unclear if that person is part of the couple or not. Could you clarify that? I think not but want to be sure. Seems like H is pretty connected to past sexual involvements.

 

3. The infidelity. IMO, the parties describe those boundaries. I've seen them all over the place with spouses. In your case, you describe what infidelity is and what the boundaries are for your marriage. It's up to you.

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Does anyone else have experience with "barely" cheating?

 

"Barely" cheating is often plain old cheating that's "barely" been discovered.

 

I echo carhill's concern about his ties to past partners. After what's happened, the dangers should be obvious...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yeah, it's cheating. A quick mea culpa doesn't make it any less of what it is. :(

 

Run by him the idea that you'd like to have a one-night stand with some old boyfriend or flame just to make yourself feel better about his side action and of course take the time to assure him it won't mean anything more than just sweaty physical sex and let's see what his reaction is. :cool:

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Lighteninginmyheart

The couple is a man and a woman that are old friends of his from his youth. While I know almost all of his friends, these two aren't so close to him lately so I never met them. I was actually surprised that he even met them for coffee which led to beer which led to bad choices.

 

The ex is a woman he dated a few years before me and they are still friends. I've met her on several occasions and she's someone I would even consider my friend.

 

We are finding our boundaries. He has suggested that he wouldn't consider it cheating if I hooked up with a friend when he's away. However, I've made it clear that I would never do such a thing. But he also knew that I'm uncomfortable with this couple. I knew the story and have pressed him for their identity in the past. I almost broke up with him when I thought he was spending time with them (in my presence, among many old couple friends) but he assured me that I've never met the couple. He told me their names then, and I thought he seemed honest. In hindsight with new information, I can confirm he was honest. He's also responding honestly to all of my questions about details. Some responses make me wish I hadn't asked, but I do appreciate his honesty. Bottom line, however, is that he knew this wouldn't be okay with me but if I were to do the same, it would be okay with him.

 

There's also some backstory. Not to make excuses, but he recently moved to a whole new country to be with me and we have a 5 month old baby. He has no friends here and has been on the edge of depression, missing his old life, job, friends, family, etc. So I feel like this might have been him trying to find any escape to his old life, if only for a night.

 

Now that he knows the pain it's caused me, he is very remorseful. He's already lining up counseling for his depression, and then we will start couples counseling soon.

 

I already feel ready to forgive but everything I read says it's too soon.

 

And, I want to follow the path that ensures he will never do this again.

 

Certainly he now knows how very hurtful it is and I won't allow a third chance.

 

But I can empathize with his "why" and a second chance seems like the right thing to do (logically) as well as the thing I WANT to do (emotionally).

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That story makes things worse. He made some sacrifices for you relocating to a new country etc. But you two just had a baby. He needs to be there for you both -- his wife & child not running home to have some threesome because he's depressed.

 

 

Because you are in a forgiving mood, if he never travels home again without you & gets counseling for the depression, you should be able to salvage your marriage. Focus on that. Meanwhile find ways to help him build a life where you are: get friends, pursue hobbies, get a job (if he's not currently working or underemployed).

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I would certainly consider it cheating.

 

Your husband has weak boundaries and a fairly flexible definition of fidelity. If you are ok with that and willing to take the risk, forgive but don't forget.

 

Remember that old saying... Fool me once, it's on you. Fool me twice, and that's on me.

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understand50

It is cheating.

 

The fact that you are struggling to consider it so, makes me think your husband has warped your sense of morals to suit his own needs, and not those of your marriage and yourself. The larger question, is why do you not see this as cheating? I think, besides this, you have much larger issues in your marriage and relationship. Look to your mental health, and do not accept this.

 

I wish you luck....

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OPs story in food:

 

Did I eat meat? I'm a strict vegetarian and have vowed not to eat meat ever. The other night I was drinking with some friends and we got the munchies. We went down to the street corner and there was a doner kebab truck. I asked if they had falafel and they said no, they were out. I was really hungry though. And all my friends were eating. And I was drunk. So I ordered a big doner kebab with a bunch of gyro meat and ate the whole thing. Really quickly. It tasted awful I didn't even like it.

 

Did I eat meat?

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And yes OP it is cheating in your feelings are 1000% valid. Your husband is wanting an open marriage from the sounds of it. Is that something that you want? You need to get on the same page because this will happen again and you will feel this way again if you don't.

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somanymistakes

A one-night-stand is not an affair, but it's still a break in monogamy.

 

Whether to forgive it or not is up to you.

 

If he wants to work with you to repair the marriage, that can be done. That doesn't mean you have to feel super-happy about it right away! You have every right to be upset that you were betrayed. Just because it could have been worse doesn't mean that it wasn't bad.

 

If you think you can't trust him not to cheat again, that is also your right.

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  • 2 weeks later...
BettyDraper

Why would your husband keep having group sex with the same couple if he didn't enjoy it?

 

I believe that your husband has manipulated you into tolerating unacceptable behavior.

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Another drive-by, we've had a lot of these since the site re-started. Thanks for the comments and I'll close this up.

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