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How could I be so stupid?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th May 2018, 10:43 PM   #1
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How could I be so stupid?

About three years ago I discovered my wife was up to some unsavory activities. Through the use of Facebook she regained contact with some ex-boyfriends. Needless to say that by the time I found all of this out there were pictures and videos and texts and of course phone calls. After I was aware I called them all and offered to fly her and her things to them. Funny how none of them had a use for her then. They all described it as nothing. I was taking things out of context, and my wife immediately enrolled in counseling. I attended as well. I didn't want to end things until she felt well. Since she was released from counseling she has been the model wife. I receive emails, texts, and notifications on all accounts when she does. How long will I dislike her? How long will I feel lonely, and stupid for missing all these things for so long? Why do I feel like I have absolutely no outlet? How long will I be disgusted by her? I feel like I now have something everyone has had. I just hurt...
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Old 28th May 2018, 11:11 PM   #2
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I think YOU should consider individual counseling.

Forgiveness is a decision. Either you want to forgive her or you do not. If you decide you don't want to, the relationship probably cannot be saved.

Whatever you decide, you are not stupid!
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Old 28th May 2018, 11:14 PM   #3
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I will approach this question in a very round-about way. Once I had a girlfriend who I found out was cheating. Initially, I wanted to throw her out. Then I reconsidered, mainly because I had ordered some very expensive lab equipment and needed someone home to get them off the curb when UPS delivered them. I kept her around only because I needed a mail delivery girl... you say she is a model wife now. Can you think of any useful reason that you'd want her to hang around? Is she a good cook? Do you need someone to get the mail? If so, keep her for the things she is good at until something better comes along. If, along the way your feelings for her rekindle, all's good. If not, send her packing.
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Old 28th May 2018, 11:21 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poutrew View Post
I will approach this question in a very round-about way. Once I had a girlfriend who I found out was cheating. Initially, I wanted to throw her out. Then I reconsidered, mainly because I had ordered some very expensive lab equipment and needed someone home to get them off the curb when UPS delivered them. I kept her around only because I needed a mail delivery girl... you say she is a model wife now. Can you think of any useful reason that you'd want her to hang around? Is she a good cook? Do you need someone to get the mail? If so, keep her for the things she is good at until something better comes along. If, along the way your feelings for her rekindle, all's good. If not, send her packing.
They are married, not just girlfriend/boyfriend! A revenge affair is never an answer.
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Old 28th May 2018, 11:54 PM   #5
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Forgiveness is part of healing. Staying with someone that did what your wife did is not part of forgiveness.

If you canít get past this then divorce her.
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Old 29th May 2018, 10:35 AM   #6
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I didn't want to end things until she felt well.

You don't owe her reconciliation. Figure out what you truly want.
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Old 29th May 2018, 12:07 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Lostinthis View Post
How long will I dislike her? How long will I feel lonely, and stupid for missing all these things for so long? Why do I feel like I have absolutely no outlet? How long will I be disgusted by her? I feel like I now have something everyone has had. I just hurt...
The way you describe it, forever. She can make all the ammends she wants, she can make all the apologies she wants no matter how genuine (or not) they are.

The way you describe it she was tainted your relationship and feelings, she's poisoned the well for good. Even if you still love her, the disgust and dislike seems to be there and possibly gaining.

Imagine it like a fine alcoholic beverage you loved to partake in. It made you happy, it fulfilled you, it was part of your life and a deeply ingrained habbit. You loved how it made you feel. Now someone poisoned it. In a way it's still doing these things but you feel sick and ill afterwards because there's poison in it. Worse, it's building up. Each time you return you get another dose and eventually it's going to kill you.
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Old 3rd June 2018, 10:30 AM   #8
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Thank you

It has taken me a few days to log back on and read what I wrote. I am grateful to those who cared enough to offer helpful advice, and for this forum to purge. I didn't realize there was so much left within. I feel so much better!

Thank you all again
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Old 4th June 2018, 1:26 AM   #9
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I have to say that you calling the men she was involved with and offering to pack her up and send her to them was pure genius. Was there any physical contact (PA) between her and them? Maybe she has learned her lesson. During my military career I knew a captain whose wife was from Japan. Whenever they would have an argument, for whatever reason, she would tell him she was through, she was going to divorce him and go back to Japan, and then storm out of the house and be gone for hours. The last time she pulled this stunt, when she returned home and came through the front door, she found all her clothes packed and a one way airline ticket to Japan on top of the suitcases. She apologized and never made that threat again. Sometimes someone just needs a wakeup call. I do wish you well.
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Old 4th June 2018, 1:49 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostinthis View Post
About three years ago I discovered my wife was up to some unsavory activities. Through the use of Facebook she regained contact with some ex-boyfriends. Needless to say that by the time I found all of this out there were pictures and videos and texts and of course phone calls. After I was aware I called them all and offered to fly her and her things to them. Funny how none of them had a use for her then. They all described it as nothing. I was taking things out of context, and my wife immediately enrolled in counseling. I attended as well. I didn't want to end things until she felt well. Since she was released from counseling she has been the model wife. I receive emails, texts, and notifications on all accounts when she does. How long will I dislike her? How long will I feel lonely, and stupid for missing all these things for so long? Why do I feel like I have absolutely no outlet? How long will I be disgusted by her? I feel like I now have something everyone has had. I just hurt...
After three years? You obviously have a hard time making a decision. If you're still feeling this way 3 years later it was a deal breaker. File for D and move on.

There is no point in keeping yourself and your wife bound in limbo.
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Old 4th June 2018, 5:31 PM   #11
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The idea that forgiveness is "a choice" is simply not true for many people. I mean you can say "I forgive you" and try your best to sweep the whole thing under the rug but, to me, that is not forgiveness.


Did she physically have sex with another man?
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Old 4th June 2018, 7:18 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I think YOU should consider individual counseling.

Whatever you decide, you are not stupid!
I agree with this whole heatedly. Lost, you are not stupid. Spend any amount of time here and you will find out that you were a perfectly normal trusting, loving person. Who's normal level of trust was taken advantage of.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poutrew View Post
I will approach this question in a very round-about way. Once I had a girlfriend who I found out was cheating. Initially, I wanted to throw her out. Then I reconsidered, mainly because I had ordered some very expensive lab equipment and needed someone home to get them off the curb when UPS delivered them. I kept her around only because I needed a mail delivery girl... you say she is a model wife now. Can you think of any useful reason that you'd want her to hang around? Is she a good cook? Do you need someone to get the mail? If so, keep her for the things she is good at until something better comes along. If, along the way your feelings for her rekindle, all's good. If not, send her packing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
They are married, not just girlfriend/boyfriend! A revenge affair is never an answer.
I don't think Poutrew was suggesting a revenge affair. Maybe he was but what I think he is saying is that the WW gave Lost a free pass to be open to other relationships. To find someone more compatible. That has the same moral standards as he does. That does not make him sick to look at. Sure keep her around if she is useful. Feel free to discard at any time, hopefully honorably and not by cheating on the way out. If he does cheat then he might have trouble looking in the mirror so I don't think he's up for that.
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Old 4th June 2018, 9:41 PM   #13
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No, my wife had no physical contact with any of these men. They all reside on the opposite end of the country. As far as me making up my mind - I have forgiven her, it's just hard some days. At first every day was a struggle. Now it may be once every four or five months (the counselor said it would be this way), but the lows are very low as I have no one to share my feelings with. I measure every decision. If I decide to end things it will be done in my time. Instead of keeping it all in I thought this would be an ideal outlet, and it has helped a lot.


Thank you all again
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Old 4th June 2018, 10:30 PM   #14
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Never hold it in. It'll just fester.

You do need to discus it in a calm rational manner.
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