Ex affair partner is pregnant...

[iamunsure]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm posting because I need some advice. No one in my personal life knows about this situation, so I don't have a lot of people to talk to. So I'm turning to you guys for advice...

 

I won't go into details, but I've been emotionally involved with a woman since February 2017. She's has had a boyfriend the entire time and got engaged in late 2017, and is due to be married later this year. We stayed good friends and I never revealed to her my feelings. In January however, she revealed to me that she has been in love with me since almost the day we met, that is when I revealed to her that I felt the same. Nothing happened at that point and we decided to remain friends, however in March things turned physical. We had an affair for about 4 weeks, having sex on 2 occasions. She ended up coming clean to her fiancé, they worked it out and he forgave her. One of the conditions was that her and I cut contact, and we have cut contact, haven't spoken since then. She blocked me on social media and my phone number. One of the last times we texted however, she said her period was late, and I told her out of respect to please let me know if she's pregnant or not since there would be a small chance it was mine. She texted me 3 or 4 days later saying she wasn't pregnant.

 

Here is where I need advice.... A mutual friend's social media account posted a picture of her holding a ultrasound and saying congratulations to the future mom! This was posted about 2 months after our affair ended, and I know from experience that the first ultrasound is normally 6-8 weeks after conception. This would put it right at the timeframe that we had the affair.

 

Since seeing that post it has really torn at me. I respect that she doesn't want to be contacted. But I feel like there is a chance that the child she is carrying could be mind. Even if it's a small chance I feel like I deserve to know.

 

Should I attempt contact and confront her on it? It's possible that she got pregnant during her next cycle, but that would mean that she got an ultrasound at 4 weeks along. And the research I've seen says they can't do an ultrasound until 6-8 weeks because it's too small to see.

 

I just don't want to be in a position where I have a 18 year old coming to me down the line saying they are my child. If it's mine I deserve the chance to be a dad, I would want to be a father to the child. Even if she wouldn't want me to be.

 

She is a nice person, and not crazy, I feel like she would eventually tell me if there is a chance it's mine. I wouldn't be able to find out if it's mine or not until after the child is born, maybe she's waiting until then? I don't know the answer, but I know that right now it's tearing me apart inside.

 

Advice? She literally blocked me in every way I could contact her and ask about it too.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are correct that an ultrasound at 4 weeks would show nothing. At five weeks a gestational sac and fetal pole MIGHT be able to be seen.

 

I'd contact her. This will absolutely eat at you if you don't. Perhaps do it in writing (email/text) if you can so you have evidence if you need it in the future (legally speaking).

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure that you have any options, if you have no way to contact her.

 

If you do find a way to contact her and she does not agree to a paternity test, you would have to talk with a lawyer to see if you had any legal recourse to demand a paternity test...

 

It's certainly a cautionary tale that demonstrates why it's not a good plan to have sex with someone who is involved in another relationship... It can get pretty messy...

[bathtub-row]

Figure out the general timeline of when the baby is due, have your friend keep tabs on her or hire a P.I. and, when the baby is born, insist on a DNA test.

 

My guess is, she told her bf that it couldn't possibly be yours, or they have decided to wait until the birth to find out. Either way, you need to know and, if I were in your shoes, I'd lay low for now but get a definitive answer one way or another once the baby was born.

[iamunsure]

Figure out the general timeline of when the baby is due, have your friend keep tabs on her or hire a P.I. and, when the baby is born, insist on a DNA test.

 

My guess is, she told her bf that it couldn't possibly be yours, or they have decided to wait until the birth to find out. Either way, you need to know and, if I were in your shoes, I'd lay low for now but get a definitive answer one way or another once the baby was born.

 

 

I do kinda feel like she told him, and maybe even convinced herself, that it can’t be mine.

 

When she initially told me her period was late. I told her there was a chance it could be mine, she said that there’s no way because I didn’t finish inside her (sorry for the bluntness). I had to educate her that you can still get pregnant that way.

 

I think I’m going to give it a couple of weeks and see how I feel and think then. I can’t have a dna test done right now anyway, I might just leave it be until the baby is born. Maybe she’ll do the right thing over the next few months and tell me. Maybe those two are planning a dna test after the baby is born and figure they’ll leave me out of it unless it comes back as not his.

 

I don’t know, it’s just difficult not knowing what’s going on when it could be my child, and it seems like she’s trying to hide it from me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe those two are planning a dna test after the baby is born and figure they’ll leave me out of it unless it comes back as not his.

 

I don’t know, it’s just difficult not knowing what’s going on when it could be my child, and it seems like she’s trying to hide it from me.

 

I think this is entirely possible, but if you tell her you know, maybe she will be more open with you about it.

[basil67]

I've had two kids and 6-8 weeks is very early to get a scan. Mine were done about the 20 week mark. From what I see online, after 12 weeks is pretty normal.

 

While it is possible to be the father even though you pulled out, it's a very small chance. Assuming she had unprotected sex with her fiance, it's much more likely that he's the father.

 

Before going in and demanding DNA tests, have a think about what's best for the child. What if it's not yours but the waves you create damage or break this little mite's family?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've had two kids and 6-8 weeks is very early to get a scan. Mine were done about the 20 week mark. From what I see online, after 12 weeks is pretty normal.

 

While it is possible to be the father even though you pulled out, it's a very small chance. Assuming she had unprotected sex with her fiance, it's much more likely that he's the father.

 

Before going in and demanding DNA tests, have a think about what's best for the child. What if it's not yours but the waves you create damage or break this little mite's family?

 

It's all different, though. The first time I got pregnant I was going through infertility treatments so had very early scans. 5 weeks. 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks. Even not going through that, there could be scans as early as 6 to 8 weeks depending on the doctor. Of course 20 weeks is the typical mid pregnancy scan, but a lot of situations calls for earlier scans and these days it might even be typical to get them earlier, I don't know (my kids are teens).

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm posting because I need some advice. No one in my personal life knows about this situation, so I don't have a lot of people to talk to. So I'm turning to you guys for advice...

 

I won't go into details, but I've been emotionally involved with a woman since February 2017. She's has had a boyfriend the entire time and got engaged in late 2017, and is due to be married later this year. We stayed good friends and I never revealed to her my feelings. In January however, she revealed to me that she has been in love with me since almost the day we met, that is when I revealed to her that I felt the same. Nothing happened at that point and we decided to remain friends, however in March things turned physical. We had an affair for about 4 weeks, having sex on 2 occasions. She ended up coming clean to her fiancé, they worked it out and he forgave her. One of the conditions was that her and I cut contact, and we have cut contact, haven't spoken since then. She blocked me on social media and my phone number. One of the last times we texted however, she said her period was late, and I told her out of respect to please let me know if she's pregnant or not since there would be a small chance it was mine. She texted me 3 or 4 days later saying she wasn't pregnant.

 

Here is where I need advice.... A mutual friend's social media account posted a picture of her holding a ultrasound and saying congratulations to the future mom! This was posted about 2 months after our affair ended, and I know from experience that the first ultrasound is normally 6-8 weeks after conception. This would put it right at the timeframe that we had the affair.

 

Since seeing that post it has really torn at me. I respect that she doesn't want to be contacted. But I feel like there is a chance that the child she is carrying could be mind. Even if it's a small chance I feel like I deserve to know.

 

Should I attempt contact and confront her on it? It's possible that she got pregnant during her next cycle, but that would mean that she got an ultrasound at 4 weeks along. And the research I've seen says they can't do an ultrasound until 6-8 weeks because it's too small to see.

 

I just don't want to be in a position where I have a 18 year old coming to me down the line saying they are my child. If it's mine I deserve the chance to be a dad, I would want to be a father to the child. Even if she wouldn't want me to be.

 

She is a nice person, and not crazy, I feel like she would eventually tell me if there is a chance it's mine. I wouldn't be able to find out if it's mine or not until after the child is born, maybe she's waiting until then? I don't know the answer, but I know that right now it's tearing me apart inside.

 

Advice? She literally blocked me in every way I could contact her and ask about it too.

She's not a nice person as she wasn't honest with you! She told you she wasn't pregnant! Yet she is!

 

If you are indeed the father you have every right to be involved in your child's life.

 

Contact her and tell her you know she's pregnant and aren't looking to get back together with her but if that baby is yours, you are going to be a dad to your child.

[whichwayisup]

tected sex with her fiance, it's much more likely that he's the father.

 

Before going in and demanding DNA tests, have a think about what's best for the child. What if it's not yours but the waves you create damage or break this little mite's family?

 

That's on her too not totally on him. It takes two. She is the one who messed around on her fiance, had unprotected sex!

[basil67]

That's on her too not totally on him. It takes two. She is the one who messed around on her fiance, had unprotected sex!

 

I'm not interesting in placing blame. I was talking about what's best for the child. And frankly, I think that being raised in a happy family unit is the best outcome. Placing the relationship of the people raising her at risk (no matter who the father is!) is not best choice for the child.

[iamunsure]

I've had two kids and 6-8 weeks is very early to get a scan. Mine were done about the 20 week mark. From what I see online, after 12 weeks is pretty normal.

 

I have 2 children from a previous marriage, both times they did a intervaginal ultrasound to determine due date and to make sure there is a heartbeat at 8 weeks. It’s pretty standard to do it at that point, before 6-8 weeks it’s too small to detect a heartbeat.

[iamunsure]

I'm not interesting in placing blame. I was talking about what's best for the child. And frankly, I think that being raised in a happy family unit is the best outcome. Placing the relationship of the people raising her at risk (no matter who the father is!) is not best choice for the child.

 

I agree a happy home would be best for the child. But how would that child feel if it ever came out that her dad wasn’t her biological dad and her parents hid it from them and the biological father. It wouldn’t be such a happy home then I don’t think.

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

try and look at this situation form the child's point of view.

 

 

Just as there is a chnace he or she could be yours, there is just as much of a chnace that the boy or girl is your ex's fiance's. If you go pushing your way in at this point you could well upset the whole family unit.

 

 

Normally, i;d be in favour of a man or woman being made aware of infidelity, but int his case, pushing for a paternity test, especially while she's pregnant, may be harmful. Give it some time until he baby is born, and she may well decide on her own to have the test done. If she doesn't, you will have to decide what you want to do at that point.

 

 

Whatever you decide, just make sure it's about what's bets for the new little life who didn't ask for any of this.

[BTDT2012]

Leave her alone. Her fiance knows about her affair with you. Don't intrude on her pregnancy.

[Whoknew30]

You have absolutely no rights in this situation...it’s her word against yours. This is the whole consequence of “her body, her choice”. She told you, you’re not the dad & that’s it. You’re not married, lived together have or even dated. You can’t possibly think that you can just pull someone into court just based on sex a couple times.

 

Let it go...I know one can get pregnant without “finishing” inside but the chances are like more than a million. You would have had to have either pleasured yourself or have had sex right before her to where there was live sperm in your pre-“finishing” when you were with her. A condom breaking, the pill not working & or lying about pulling out i could understand but if you actually did...the chances are almost nonexistent. I personally think you’re grasping bc she dumped you. Cut your losses & move on.

[standtall]

Dude...but out. You have no legal rights here whatsoever.

[lostgirl87]

Um if there's a chance of paternity then yes he has rights. At the minimum he could take her to court on a paternity suit and have the courts order a dna test. Now how likely is it that he's the father is another question...

[standtall]

um...you just cant randomly take a couple off of the street and get a dna test on their kid...because that is exactly how the courts will see it. A couple of texts and a third party social media account are not enough to remotely establish a relationship. This is based on the info posted thus far.

 

The lover has no legal standing in that separate family. Stop watching TV legal dramas.

[bathtub-row]

um...you just cant randomly take a couple off of the street and get a dna test on their kid...because that is exactly how the courts will see it. A couple of texts and a third party social media account are not enough to remotely establish a relationship. This is based on the info posted thus far.

 

The lover has no legal standing in that separate family. Stop watching TV legal dramas.

 

I would think that if he can feasibly say that they had sex around the time of conception, he has a right to a paternity test. This isn’t a matter of pulling someone off the street.

[standtall]

I would think that if he can feasibly say that they had sex around the time of conception, he has a right to a paternity test. This isn’t a matter of pulling someone off the street.

 

Yes it is. If there is no outside proof, it is he said she said according to the courts. Come on and use your noggin and quit responding on emotion.

[lostgirl87]

um...you just cant randomly take a couple off of the street and get a dna test on their kid...because that is exactly how the courts will see it. A couple of texts and a third party social media account are not enough to remotely establish a relationship. This is based on the info posted thus far.

 

The lover has no legal standing in that separate family. Stop watching TV legal dramas.

Lol. Dude I'm an attorney. A family law attorney, at that. He had a relationship with her that was physical supposedly around the time of conception. He absolutely has what he needs to file a paternity suit and request the judge order a DNA test.

[S2B]

Dude...but out. You have no legal rights here whatsoever.

 

But he does have rights if he is the father.

 

He's going to need a DNA test to prove or disprove paternity.

 

 

Heck, it's possible she didn't even tell her fiancé about sex with the OP. She could be lying about all of it.

 

He needs evidence that proves he is or isn't the father.

[bathtub-row]

Yes it is. If there is no outside proof, it is he said she said according to the courts. Come on and use your noggin and quit responding on emotion.

 

Not quite sure why you say I’m being emotional. My comment seemed completely logical to me.

[standtall]

Lol. Dude I'm an attorney. A family law attorney, at that. He had a relationship with her that was physical supposedly around the time of conception. He absolutely has what he needs to file a paternity suit and request the judge order a DNA test.

 

Wow.. If you read what I wrote, without any other proof of a physical relationship other than a he said she said, and a couple of texts, good luck hauling me, my wife, kids into court for a dna test. Can you imagine the abuses that this would be subject to? A verbal accusation of a relationship in court is not enough for anything....you should know that if you really are an attorney....which based on your lack of attention to detail in this situation makes me wonder.