did he cheat again? Should I confront?

[MySide]

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Three years ago my husband cheated on me. Well, 4 if you count his business trip to China where he danced and felt up and got felt up at a business get together there. Anyway, he cheated , I caught him fairly quickly actually cause something seemed off. He had chatted for a few weeks and sexted, but only slept together once.

 

Then, almost a year later he was searching craigslist for a "friend". Then emailing a russian woman (who I could tell was a spam right away). Oh, but he was "testing" me to see if I was checking on him, he knew it was a spam. Then he posted an ad for a threesome because he thought I wanted one. A few months ago he spent $200 at a full nude strip club, where the girl were apparently not nude that night. There's probably more I'm forgetting. I can't remember right now. I told him I had a hugh problem with him going to a club. I know a lot of women see nothing wrong with it, but I do. I don't want to be compared to those women who are far younger, prettier, thinner, perkier, etc than me. I have extremely low self esteem right now. Especially from something he said in an argument once.

 

So, he had to go on a business trip again. Our 19th wedding anniversary was Tuesday. I tried my best to look nice for him, wore a very sexy shirt that I thought looked decent on me and that's saying a lot. All I got from him was that he felt under dressed. ok. So anyway, Wednesday he left. 2 hours after he stepped off his plane he searched for "adult clubs near me". Then, again several hours later he search for that again and "backpage". BTW, I'm getting this info through google, unfortunately it doesn't show me what websites he visited, just searches and stuff. Thursday, he went where he was supposed to go but then after lunch there is a huge chunk of missing info on his timeline. Like 6 hours of it. He texted me at 4:48 saying he was back at the hotel and going to the pool. Then, immediately after he searched for "cuddlers near me", "escort service near me" and "asian massage parlours near me". Then he called me at 7 and once again showed up at the hotel.

 

His credit card shows his normal hotel charge, but then it also shows for Thursday a $102.95 charge to the hotel across the street (or nextdoor, can't figure which). He was alone on this trip, why would he charge that much at another hotel???? I see on the gps he also had a massage place and club address in there.

 

I just don't know what to do. Do I say something? Confront him. I don't have 100% proof that he hooked up with someone. I know that he'll just say the searches he was just "testing" me with to see if I was checking on him. Which he full knows I occasionally do. I'm so confused.

[Zinfandel]

I'm gonna tell you what you already know.

 

Leave him.

 

Don't confront. Don't give reasons. Just end it. There is no reason your husband should be searching **** like that (and likely doing stuff like that). He is lying when he says he was "testing" you - you caught him. Maybe if it were just a strip club, it wouldn't be a problem but from everything you have described this man is a pathetic man-child who just wants to get his jolly's off by paying for it. If he were single - all the power to him, but he's not and with the affair, there is a definite pattern.

 

I'd also say, that if you are monitoring his movements so closely and snooping constantly, that's a blazing neon sign that the relationship is headed for disaster (not that I'm blaming you but whats a relationship without trust?).

[PegNosePete]

There is a well known phrase. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

He has fooled you not once, twice, 3 or 4 times... but how many? 10? All this "testing" stuff is clearly a load of rubbish, a pathetic excuse to get away with crappy behaviour and cheating.

 

This leopard has shown well and truly that he will NOT change his spots no matter what you say or do. There is only one way you can deal with this situation. Tell him you will not be treated like this any longer and file for divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just don't know what to do. Do I say something? Confront him. I don't have 100% proof that he hooked up with someone. I know that he'll just say the searches he was just "testing" me with to see if I was checking on him. Which he full knows I occasionally do. I'm so confused.

 

Let's say his ludicrous story is true, he is "testing" you. On what planet is that acceptable behavior for a WS theoretically trying to rebuild his marriage? And you're going to accept being taunted by this jerk?

 

Nothing here anyone can tell you're not already aware of - and have plenty of proof to act on. Unless you're interested in cementing your current doormat status well into the predictable future, time for action.

 

But, you already know this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BTDT2012]

Don't say anything. Just prepare to divorce him.

[BaileyB]

I'm just wondering...

 

It seems quite clear that your husband is a serial cheater and you do not trust a word that he says... How many times will you have to catch him doing things that he should not be doing before you make the decision to walk away? It seems to me that he has had more than three strikes - what is it going to take for you to stand up for yourself and tell him - enough is enough, I will not accept this anymore.

[merrmeade]

I think you're in shock, OP - long-term. I know I was. I think it's the only explanation for taking that kind of treatment. It means we don'e value ourselves to realize that we can do better. Keep telling yourself, "I can do better than this." You CAN find someone to love, respect and cherish you, and you deserve to have that. This person cannot give it to you. Go get it somewhere else, but dump him first.

[anika99]

If he hasn't cheated again it certainly isn't from lack of trying. Seems like he's looking to cheat every chance he gets.

 

Look you caught him cheating a few years ago and that was his chance to show remorse and prove that he wanted to be a better man. He didn't take that chance. Instead he has continued to seek out activities that he knows hurt and humiliate you. He insults your intelligence with ridiculous stories about how he's just testing to see if you are spying on him and how he's going to a strip club where the strippers are really going to strip. Ain't nobody paying $200 to watch clothed strippers. Give me a break.

 

So the window of time for him to show remorse and prove himself to you has passed and now it's apparently completely closed because your repeated acceptance of his unacceptable behavior has taught him that he doesn't need to do anything to keep you and if anything he has become even bolder in his outright disrespectful behavior. He isn't going to change and so if you want this misery to end you have to be the one to make changes.