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First post - Left me over my weight, betrayed me


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NorCalLost

My story is so long, I would write a book in sharing every detail. My heart is broken right now. I hate going to bed at night and I hate waking up. Life is a nightmare. I've known my husband for nearly 30 years, married for six. He is literally the only man I have ever loved, and now I realize that I wasted my life on someone I looked at for years with rose-colored glasses. Love is blind.

I have a lung disease that will end my life. Diagnosed in 2015. Is hard to write that.

 

I was given steroidal medicine for my lungs that caused me to almost immediately gain 17 pounds. I also stopped exercising and didn't eat with much discipline. As a result I ended up gaining a total of 25 pounds in the last two years, and it has been an ongoing struggle to get and keep the weight off.

 

All I heard for the last year or so was how skinny his ex-wife was, how I must not love him enough to lose the weight, how he's losing his attraction for me. It's been devastating. Little things I do wrong get blown up into big things. His temper is short with me. He's constantly saying he's not happy, that he spent a long time married to one woman he wasn't attracted to, that he wasn't going to settle a second time.

 

I've had to travel for work over the last couple of years, but that is scheduled to end within the next ten months. The distance was hard for him. He hates being on his own without a woman there 24/7 taking care of him. So now he's been saying "I'm tired of 'waiting' for someone I may not even want anymore."

 

He ended up dumping me over the phone on April 22nd. Our marriage is over. Just like that. Threatened to hang up on me if I kept crying. Told me he would box up all my things and leave them for me in the carport. He owns our house, from his previous marriage, and due to prenup I have no claim to it. He told me I shouldn't be surprised, that there were so many red flags about me, over the years. That my inability to get the weight off left him 'jaded.'

 

Ironically, I HAVE lost the weight. All of it and a little more, and I couldn't wait to show him when I got home. I told him this, but it didn't matter. It's too late. He wants out.

 

Then, the very next day, I received Facebook messages from a fraudulent account, saying that he was over me, that I was a fat pig, etc. The messages included screenshots of his Facebook messages to some other woman, and her cellphone number.

 

I called the woman. She is a childhood friend of his best buddy. She met him, and he gave her his cell number, the DAY BEFORE he dumped me over the phone. I spoke to her at length. She claimed that she had NOT sent me the messages or her cellphone number. She has continued to see him and is now 'in a relationship' with him, according to social media. It's been less than a month since he dumped me.

 

I told him about the messages, and at first he seemed apologetic, but when he found out I talked to her, he turned on me and actually accused me of of hacking into his account in order to get the messages between him and this woman. Impossible since he had blocked me on social media and changed all his passwords. It could only have been him or her, and I don't think he is the one who did it.

 

He's basically taking the word of a woman he just met, over the word of the woman who's been married to him for six years, and never lied to him even once in all that time. He called me a crazy B. Told me to never call him again. Told me that they were just friends, but because of ME they were getting closer, and that if they ended up together it was because of me. Told me I had mind-f'ed HIM.

 

I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I've blown up his emails and text messaging since all this played out. I wrote tons of "how could you" messages. I've made it possible for him to blame the break-up on me by acting so pathetic and crazy. When it really was just about my weight. He tells other people that he left me for lots of reasons unrelated to weight, that he's been unhappy for years. But in private, the last time we spoke, he said "Shame on me for wanting to be with someone who I can be attracted to for the rest of my life."

 

One of the hardest things to grapple with is knowing I was so disposable to him that he ended up with literally the first person who came along. That his best friend knew about her, and our break-up, before I did is humiliating. The other woman is 12 years younger than him. And I am not a superficial person at all, so please forgive me for saying this. BUT if he left me for lack of attraction, then WHY is he with such a plain jane woman as the one he is currently seeing? I don't understand.

 

I am now blocked by him on his phone. His mom passed away, and I never got to say goodbye. Nobody told me. His other woman was in our home with him, comforting him. I was on the phone with him later that same day (our final conversation) and he just blurted out that she had died that morning. Accused me of not respecting the day because I was distraught over our break-up. I told him his mom's death did not give him the right to betray and mistreat me.

 

I don't even know him. Maybe I never did. There are so many other things he's done that I did nothing about, because I loved him. In November, right after I set up his Facebook page for him, he used it to try and set up a coffee date with someone. Never told me, I saw the text on his unlocked phone. He's angry that I found out about that. Turned it on me, told ME that I violated HIS trust. Somehow he thinks I am a brilliant hacker who can get into phones and social network accounts that I've been blocked on.

 

I am now alone, homeless, his family has ghosted me. His whole small hometown probably is having a gossip fest over this right now. He hates me. He's telling people I was a jealous wife who hacked into all his personal accounts, and drove him into the arms of another woman.

 

He is livid that I call him a cheater. Says "on his dead mother's grave" he never cheated on me. I'm sorry, in my book it's cheating if you try to meet another woman for coffee behind your wife's back, and it's cheating to give another woman your number and tell her you're single. His justification? That he's been unhappy for a long time. He also swears that he gave the other woman his number on the same day he dumped me, not the day before. As if that's much better. Rebound much?

 

How do people survive this kind of hurt?

Edited by NorCalLost
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somanymistakes

A man who dumps you over twenty pounds is not a man worth having IMHO. What a jerk.

 

He wanted to sleep around. He was bored of being married. It wasn't because you gained a little weight, it wasn't because you were 'plain', it wasn't because you betrayed his trust, it wasn't because you were gone for work... He was just bored and decided his marriage didn't really matter to him anymore. He'll make up any excuse he needs to in order to try and make you feel bad about yourself and make himself sound good because he wants all that positive attention.

 

He's a jerk.

 

Have you visited chumplady? I think this is a case where a bunch of angry supportive people having your back might help.

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Prudence V

I’m sorry about your health. Sorry you also had to find out in such a brutal way that your marriage wasn’t what you thought it was, nor your husband what you thought he was. Please get a good lawyer to ensure the divorce is handled fairly.

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BluesPower

I understand that you are hurting...

 

And while this may not help right away, you need to understand that this is not about you, it is about him.

 

Your Stbxh really has some major issues. I am not saying that you were perfect but who is.

 

What happened is he got bored, did not want to fix it, found a new woman, and in order for everyone to not think he is a horrible person, he now has to blame it on you.

 

It is not really that complicated, and it is not your fault.

 

Just try to pick yourself up and move forward.

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I second chumplady. You’ll find out through reading there that what you are doing is trying to untangle something that simply can’t be untangled. You just need to step away from it. The way you get through this hurt is by distancing yourself from his toxicity and turning to the people who truly care about you for support. I am sorry for your pain.

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Then, the very next day, I received Facebook messages from a fraudulent account, saying that he was over me, that I was a fat pig, etc. The messages included screenshots of his Facebook messages to some other woman, and her cellphone number.

 

I called the woman. She is a childhood friend of his best buddy. She met him, and he gave her his cell number, the DAY BEFORE he dumped me over the phone. I spoke to her at length. She claimed that she had NOT sent me the messages or her cellphone number. She has continued to see him and is now 'in a relationship' with him, according to social media. It's been less than a month since he dumped me.

 

I told him about the messages, and at first he seemed apologetic, but when he found out I talked to her, he turned on me and actually accused me of of hacking into his account in order to get the messages between him and this woman. Impossible since he had blocked me on social media and changed all his passwords. It could only have been him or her, and I don't think he is the one who did it.

 

He's basically taking the word of a woman he just met, over the word of the woman who's been married to him for six years, and never lied to him even once in all that time. He called me a crazy B. Told me to never call him again. Told me that they were just friends, but because of ME they were getting closer, and that if they ended up together it was because of me. Told me I had mind-f'ed HIM.

 

I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I've blown up his emails and text messaging since all this played out. I wrote tons of "how could you" messages. I've made it possible for him to blame the break-up on me by acting so pathetic and crazy. When it really was just about my weight. He tells other people that he left me for lots of reasons unrelated to weight, that he's been unhappy for years. But in private, the last time we spoke, he said "Shame on me for wanting to be with someone who I can be attracted to for the rest of my life."

 

One of the hardest things to grapple with is knowing I was so disposable to him that he ended up with literally the first person who came along. That his best friend knew about her, and our break-up, before I did is humiliating. The other woman is 12 years younger than him. And I am not a superficial person at all, so please forgive me for saying this. BUT if he left me for lack of attraction, then WHY is he with such a plain jane woman as the one he is currently seeing? I don't understand.

 

I am now blocked by him on his phone. His mom passed away, and I never got to say goodbye. Nobody told me. His other woman was in our home with him, comforting him. I was on the phone with him later that same day (our final conversation) and he just blurted out that she had died that morning. Accused me of not respecting the day because I was distraught over our break-up. I told him his mom's death did not give him the right to betray and mistreat me.

 

I don't even know him. Maybe I never did. There are so many other things he's done that I did nothing about, because I loved him. In November, right after I set up his Facebook page for him, he used it to try and set up a coffee date with someone. Never told me, I saw the text on his unlocked phone. He's angry that I found out about that. Turned it on me, told ME that I violated HIS trust. Somehow he thinks I am a brilliant hacker who can get into phones and social network accounts that I've been blocked on.

 

I am now alone, homeless, his family has ghosted me. His whole small hometown probably is having a gossip fest over this right now. He hates me. He's telling people I was a jealous wife who hacked into all his personal accounts, and drove him into the arms of another woman.

 

He is livid that I call him a cheater. Says "on his dead mother's grave" he never cheated on me. I'm sorry, in my book it's cheating if you try to meet another woman for coffee behind your wife's back, and it's cheating to give another woman your number and tell her you're single. His justification? That he's been unhappy for a long time. He also swears that he gave the other woman his number on the same day he dumped me, not the day before. As if that's much better. Rebound much?

 

How do people survive this kind of hurt?

 

I'm afraid NorCalLost, all these details matter only to you. Once a checked-out partner leaves, they're gone. And in every sense of the word.

 

Easier said than done, but time to stop worrying about who messaged whom, when did he contact her, etc., it's all water under the bridge. Do you have the ability to connect with a counselor or therapist to discuss your situation? You've still got a lot of life left to live and a chance to live it well. As always, that's the best revenge...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Absolutely, a man who really loves you will not leave you because you have health concerns that have caused you to gain twenty pounds. My best friend has taken steroids that have caused her appearance to change dramatically - it has not affected her marriage in any way. If anything, her marriage has grown stronger because both partners came together during this difficult time...

 

This is not about the weight. Unfortunately, your husband is a jerk. The weight is an excuse for his poor behavior and his decision to leave the marriage. He may be trying to sell it as such, but you don't have to buy what he is selling...

 

I would suggest that you find a good counsellor. We all have a limited time in this earth... You want to use your time wisely. Don't waste too much time grieving for a man who is not worth your time and emotional energy.

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