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What should I do?


donotmicrowave

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donotmicrowave

This is about my parents (and a third party).

 

Will make it as short as possible for you:

When I was very young (around 5 years old), my parents and a bunch of other adults took a week off to go and party in another city, in the countryside. They took the kids (us) with them, to witness how our parents got drunk and went crazy. Well, it was bloody terrible for us.

 

But one morning, me, my mom and this other fella (my father's childhood best friend, now our coworker) went to the beach, they took me with them. I remember, I was building a castle out of small rocks, looked up and saw that "mommy and stranger" were holding hands, kissing, calling each other "honey" and so on. Being so young, I was very confused, but didn't know what to do. I forgot it.

 

But now we're all working together, including the fella's wife, who was also in the picture when the beach incident happened. My mother and the fella spend a lot of time together at work, they joke around, laugh. My father is also here, he's the owner of the company where we work. He never says anything about it, ignores it. The wife also ignores it.

 

And for the cherry on top, the fella has gone after me now. I'm 19 years old myself. He has sent me inappropriate e-mails, he compliments me, says he wants to "understand me", tries to appear "intimidating" (I think he's watched way too many movies), AND, now I work with him on a project. He asked me to help him out himself.

 

This morning, I simply burst out "So you had an affair with my mother. Does your wife or my dad know?", he tried to deny it, but I saw his act drop right then and there, and, as stubborn as I am, I got almost all what I wanted out of him. There was an affair, no one knows, unfortunately I'm not sure what's going on now.

 

I don't know how I feel about it. I'm just so disappointed. And I feel bad for dad. Me and mother have always had a very complicated relationship. She's been very cruel, but now that I'm moved out and independent, it's better. But I love my dad a lot, and I respect him. Though he's even more stubborn than I am and it's very difficult to talk to him, I love him so much.

 

I've always thought that truth is the way to go. But my dad is happy..? They do everything together, they've worked so hard on this company and their home. They cuddle on the sofa in the evening and watch TV. Of course I don't know how it REALLY is, I don't even live there anymore. But for an outsider, they're a very happy couple.

 

So, as the title says.. What should I do?

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In your shoes I would confront your mother and let her know it's unfair for you to have to carry the information and your father not know. If she is a decent mother she would do the right thing and unload this from your burden.

 

I'm assuming telling your dad is a strong pull. He deserves to know but it's shouldn't be your cross to bare.

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donotmicrowave
In your shoes I would confront your mother and let her know it's unfair for you to have to carry the information and your father not know. If she is a decent mother she would do the right thing and unload this from your burden.

 

I'm assuming telling your dad is a strong pull. He deserves to know but it's shouldn't be your cross to bare.

 

Will discuss this with mother later. I already know it isn't going to end well, though. But my dad really doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark like this.

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donotmicrowave
Did you keep the emails and any evidence that he has been stalking you?

 

He sent them straight to my work e-mail, all of them are there. A few days ago I also managed to record him in my office, touching my hair and grabbing my hand to "guide and help me" with the computer mouse.

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I think it’s time for you to let your dad in on all this information from this piece of s.hit... what a real mess this guy is now trying to hit on you.! should be enough to get him out of your families life...

Edited by Sparta
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He sent them straight to my work e-mail, all of them are there. A few days ago I also managed to record him in my office, touching my hair and grabbing my hand to "guide and help me" with the computer mouse.

 

I think it’s time for you to let your dad in on all this information from this piece of s.hit... what a real mess this guy is now trying to hit on you.! should be enough to get him out of your families life...

 

You must tell your dad about this whole mess. He needs to know the

truth. This "friend/employee" is rotten to the core. If this OM was

stealing money from the business you would tell your dad.

 

This OM is has stolen worse then money from your dad. Your knowledge

is what your dad needs to protect himself and you from any more

harm from this man.

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Will discuss this with mother later. I already know it isn't going to end well, though. But my dad really doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark like this.

 

It's not a discussion, it's you telling her you won't keep her secret but you are giving her the opportunity to do the right thing. Once she starts to lie and deny simple say I'll let dad decide. As long as a cheater feels they can manipulate they will, but usually once they know the gig is up they do what they should have done all along...get honest.

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I'm sorry you're in this position but theyve put you in a spot to betray your father too. Not telling him is a betrayal too.

 

 

You didn't do or cause this but you need to deal with it.

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Your dad most likely already knows. Also, don't bother going to the POS OM, his wife, or your mom. They will just deflect and find excuses. Heck, your mom probably already knows he is trying hard to slip his little friend into you... and is OK with it. Like mother, like daughter as it were. If you want it to stop, go to your Dad. Tell him straight up that the man who has been slipping it into mommy is also now trying to slip it into you. It will stop. Dads have their ways... :cool:

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I believe that you should do nothing except find another job. It is good that you no longer live at your parent's house. I cannot believe that this has been going on since you were very young, and your father has not figured out the relationship here. It is possible that he knows what is happening, but he does not want to destroy his relationship with your mother, it is also possible that he enjoys being the cuckold. In any event, I doubt that he wants to confront this situation with you.

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donotmicrowave
It's not a discussion, it's you telling her you won't keep her secret but you are giving her the opportunity to do the right thing. Once she starts to lie and deny simple say I'll let dad decide. As long as a cheater feels they can manipulate they will, but usually once they know the gig is up they do what they should have done all along...get honest.

 

Good point. I've spent a lot of time reading people's stories here on LS, good and bad, but cheating spouses tend to act the same 99% of the time. Knowing my mother, she won't be an honest special snowflake.

 

I'll catch her after work and give her the facts. We'll see how she responds, will update later.

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donotmicrowave
I believe that you should do nothing except find another job. It is good that you no longer live at your parent's house. I cannot believe that this has been going on since you were very young, and your father has not figured out the relationship here. It is possible that he knows what is happening, but he does not want to destroy his relationship with your mother, it is also possible that he enjoys being the cuckold. In any event, I doubt that he wants to confront this situation with you.

 

Thank you plenty for your feedback.

 

I believe my dad knows something is up. We always used to visit the jerkasaurus and his family for birthdays and such, but that suddenly stopped. But as confirmed by the OM, the physical side and the extent of the affair definitely hasn't reached my dad (or the wife). I can also see it, my dad wouldn't tolerate it. It'd destroy him and he'd get out.

 

I believe I can't just let it slide though. As Marc, DKT and others said, it's just not fair to my dad, or my mother/the OM. They can't just do whatever they want, betray their families, because they decide to act like spoiled kids.

 

My dad has been looking out for me so much and the OM's wife is also very kind and sweet, the truth is the least of what they deserve.

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There were probably some adult understandings associated with that long ago weekend. Assume your dad knows & consented (a/k/a swinging or open marriage or willful blindness). Stay out of the middle of your parents' marriage.

 

I'm glad you told the creepy guy hell no. Do tell your mom he's hitting on you. She's going to be furious. Unfaithful or not, she's not going to tolerate her EX lover hitting on her baby girl. She'll straighten him out.

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donotmicrowave
There were probably some adult understandings associated with that long ago weekend. Assume your dad knows & consented (a/k/a swinging or open marriage or willful blindness). Stay out of the middle of your parents' marriage.

 

I'm glad you told the creepy guy hell no. Do tell your mom he's hitting on you. She's going to be furious. Unfaithful or not, she's not going to tolerate her EX lover hitting on her baby girl. She'll straighten him out.

 

But why would the OM tell me that the affair has been kept secret? He's walking around the office, pale, scared and quiet now that I've fished it out.

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BarbedFenceRider

I would love to hear how mom and dad think of the OM trying to bed you....

 

As for the affair, you need to view this from your standpoint. And by the way, God bless you for carrying this pain for so long. Mom and Dad need to be told that you are hurting, you don't understand this relationship/dynamic and you are checking out..It should be up to them to repair this, not you!

 

Just think, you want this behavior around when grandkids and such are going on? Do you want them or other family members to suffer the way you did? "Mom, Dad...This ***** needs to stop. I am hurting from x,y,z and now (Jerkasaurus) is trying to get into my pants... If you don't handle this, I am cutting you out."

 

And you should be looking to work elsewhere...It sounds very toxic to say the least.

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But why would the OM tell me that the affair has been kept secret? He's walking around the office, pale, scared and quiet now that I've fished it out.

 

I don't know. Perhaps, after 15 years everybody involved regrets their behavior back then & doesn't want to be judged now.

 

Maybe it was secret.

 

What do you really want here -- for him to leave you alone or to bring what you view as your parents' past transgressions into the light of day? If you want this guy to leave you alone, talk to your mom about the behavior. If you want to blow up your parents' marriage because you THINK you know what's best for your father, go ahead embarrass everybody. Personally I think you should stay out of it. But if you can't, speak to your dad privately but then let him make his own decisions & support him even if he wants to stay with your mother. It's their marriage, not yours & you can't impose your morality on their choices.

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Tell your father. Don't give her a heads up. She doesn't deserve it. He deserves to know. If she could do this all while acting like a good wife she is a better liar and cheat the an you can know. Don't let her get the jump on this and get ahead of this and manipulate your father unto thinking she revealed this because she felt bad. She doesn't feel bad. She is using your father. Don't let it continue.

 

This has been going on for a long time. Your father is better off without this woman. She is a horrible mother as well. She only became better after all the stress of raising her kids was gone. Tells me what I need to know.

 

And don't listen to donovain. This while don't get involved only a plies to people you don't know well. Ask any betrays spouse and they will tell you family and friends that knew but did nothing to inform are considered enemies after d day. Don't be labeled an enemy of your father. He may not be happy with being told but he won't blame you and it's not good for you to hold this in while looking him in the face. Don't protect your cheating mother in an attempt to protect yourself. If your father knows and consents to all of this he will ask you to ignore it and that will be that.

Edited by Adotta
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happyhusband0005

You should tell your father about this guys harassment. Any woman should report this to the boss. That is a must.

 

On the affair I would talk to your mother about it to get her story first, your father may know and does not need to know you know.

 

But the harassment is a separate issue that should be dealt with. He could do it to another employee who might end up suing your dad.

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You should tell your parents about the harassment of this creepy older guy and get him fired. Why do you have to work for your parents? Can you get another job and keep a healthy distance with your mother? I assume the affair is over now, right? I also suspect your father already knows about it. I vote for staying out of your parents’ marriage. It may embarrass your father if he doesn’t want you to know.

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If the affair was on going I would advocate saying something but almost 15 years ago when she was 5 the OP saw her mother with this other man. She also said she forgot about it after that. Nevertheless the guy is still around but there is no indication that the guy & the OPs mother continue to carry on. Thus I don't see the point in causing family drama now. People here act like the OP needs to out her mother & this guy. What good is dredging up the past now going to do? If the OPs parents already worked through this in their adult marriage I can only see harm & shame happening once they now have to face the idea that their child put the pieces together all these years later.

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If the affair was on going I would advocate saying something but almost 15 years ago when she was 5 the OP saw her mother with this other man. She also said she forgot about it after that. Nevertheless the guy is still around but there is no indication that the guy & the OPs mother continue to carry on. Thus I don't see the point in causing family drama now. People here act like the OP needs to out her mother & this guy. What good is dredging up the past now going to do? If the OPs parents already worked through this in their adult marriage I can only see harm & shame happening once they now have to face the idea that their child put the pieces together all these years later.

 

The guy is chasing his affair partners daughter. That alone should be enough to out him. This guy has been lied to for at least 15 years. Why make it longer. Besides the guy is still around and spends lots of time with the mother. I can almost guarantee its still going on.

 

This guy is a creep and if he could do this behind her father's back what else is he doing? Stealing from him? Probably.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T
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BarbedFenceRider

Whoa..Hold on there... The wife is still dallying with the OM currently as stated in the first post.

 

" But now we're all working together, including the fella's wife, who was also in the picture when the beach incident happened. My mother and the fella spend a lot of time together at work, they joke around, laugh. My father is also here, he's the owner of the company where we work. He never says anything about it, ignores it. The wife also ignores it."

 

Meaning the OM's wife ignores it...Not the mom. There is a 400lb gorilla in the room. But I am suggesting that the daughter/OP needs to be concerned with herself well being. She is an active participant in this family and she does get some say.

 

I mean come on, the father is the owner of the business, the wife and the OM are frolicking around the business and now the OM is going after the OP? Not healthy, and sounds kinda creepy anyway. I say out the guy and let the adults be adults and own up to the "open" relationship or affair. Whatever it may be. The daughter deserves truth.

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The guy is chasing his affair partners daughter. That alone should be enough to out him. This guy has been lied to for at least 15 years. Why make it longer. Besides the guy is still around and spends lots of time with the mother. I can almost guarantee its still going on.

 

This guy is a creep and if he could do this behind her father's back what else is he doing? Stealing from him? Probably.

 

My opinion is that the OP need not meddle in her Parents' Marriage. Your opinion is different.

 

The guy is clearly a creep. Who hits on his AP's daughter? That is just gross & the OP needs to do what it takes -- report him, go to HR, whatever to protect herself.

 

What I wonder is what will happen if Dad says he knows & is OK with it because he & the mom have an open marriage? I suspect that is going to freak out the OP & embarrass the parents because even if she's 19, who wants to discuss their marital relationship with their kids.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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My opinion is that the OP need not meddle in her Parents' Marriage. Your opinion is different.

 

The guy is clearly a creep. Who hits on his AP's daughter? That is just gross & the OP needs to do what it takes -- report him, go to HR, whatever to protect herself.

 

What I wonder is what will happen if Dad says he knows & is OK with it because he & the mom have an open marriage? I suspect that is going to freak out the OP & embarrass the parents because even if she's 19, who wants to discuss their marital relationship with their kids.

 

The odds of this being an open marriage is small. And even if it is maybe they should have done a better job hiding it. And report it to hr? The dad owns the company. He's the boss. Everyone works for him so how does that work?

 

If it's an open marriage then sure everyone gets a little embarrassed. So what!!??? That's not her problem. Is she supposed to live the rest of her life wondering? Besides this guy's reactions tells me this is not an open marriage but an affair.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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