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Emotional affair in a stressful time :-/


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Hi, I am new as a writer to this board. Please excuse my English, I am not a native speaker.

 

Where should I start... Last week my fiancé and boyfriend of almost 8 years suggested taking a break from the relationship. The alternative would have been a break up. During „the talk“ he said he was sure I would immediately break up with him, but I could not.

 

Backstory: two years ago we bought a house (not yet constructed) and the last three months were excruciating and very stressful, because of the work we had to put in. I realized that he was very often texting with someone and he always pulled his phone away when I walked by.

So I initiated a talk and confronted him. After some messing around he confessed that he was writing with a female coworker. The messages started in December and he missed out on setting limits with her. The texts involved also sexting. I felt that there was something going on for months but he always denied everything.

 

He said that he is not sure if he loves me any more, the last months of interior construction at the house were so stressful and he felt neglected by me. That I was not paying enough attention to him and that we had almost no sex. He concluded that maybe there wasn´t enough sexual attraction between us to begin with.

 

I was so shocked! Yes, the sex was rare, but it was an extreme situation for both of us. I can also admit that in the bedroom we weren´t very adventurous, I have things to figure out regarding the sex part but I also suggested we could both go to therapy to help sort things out. He never wanted to.

 

The reason I am so shocked right now is that I was really sure we would end up together for good. Our relationship was so loving and fun, we were constantly laughing together. We explored many new hobbies and had similar tastes.

 

I am so hoping that this can be a challenge on which we will grow even closer. But it is so hard, the pain so huge.

 

He moved out to the new house and I stayed in the apartment. Thank god I am still in my apartment. He picked up the rest of his stuff today and while he was here the OW called him. They are in contact all the time! Literally every 5 minutes through phone or text. Btw she is in a committed long-term relationship herself. I wonder how long it will take her boyfriend to notices this. My boyfriend is in love with her I think, but now there is no secrecy, no adventure.

I wonder how long it will take until he can see the situation clearly. By that I do not mean comes back to me, but can see our relationship as a whole (not just the last 5 months) and then make a decision. When the situation with the OW loses its magic and appeal.

 

I do not know what I want at this point. This relationship was so good that it is hard to imagine something new.

 

Any advice?

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Your going to have to work out the sex issues. And fast. I don't want to make you feel defective or anything I really dont. But even if alone you should seek help from a therapist. Maybe one specializing in sexual issues.

 

Have you been maintaining your appearance? Have you been watching your wieght? Again don't feel like I'm calling you disgusting. I'm not. He obviously found you attractive at one point or another or he never would have stuck it out for 8 years.

 

If your boyfriend wasn't feeling the passion in the bedsheets then this was actually a smart move by him. sexual compatability is way more important then most people believe.

 

The OW part was not smart. That was a dumb move. Never start another relationship while in one already it's just disrespectful.

 

Too many times you women treat relationships like a shopping list.

 

Atractive check

Money check

Secure check

Funny check <------- subject to change depending on the

Mature check womans wants.

Wants children check

Supportive and understanding check

 

But they gloss over the fulfilling sex part. Without great sex and attraction your basicly just friends who consent to sex every once and a while. Maybe just to have kids.

 

So many times as long as the sex isn't horrible ( sometimes even horrible is acceptable ) they just don't care much or they think it just works itself out with time. They end up only responding to advances and doing none of the advancing and seducing themselves. They end up treating sex like a chore. A sort of treat to be offered for services rendered. Usually women who haven't had fulfilling lusty sex or passionate relationships yet fall into this (not always). They think about how great the guy is in every other way so the sex shouldn't matter. My guess is boyfriend wasn't happy even before this stretch of stressful time. unlike most guys he could sense you where not really that into sex with him. He was just trying to be supportive and understanding and patient like young boys are tuaght to be. He was just taking what's offered and choosing to swollen any thoughts he has on the matter. Another thing men are tuaght to do that always bites them in the ass.

 

A man wants to feel at least a little like a beast. Like a sexual god. A king. a badass. He wants his woman to writhe beneath him. He wants to unlock her sexuality and see it bloom. He wants to be asked for sex. He wants to be seduced, teased and tempted. He wants to feel wanted and lusted for. Yes he wants to do all those things for you too but him chasing you is only half the puzzle. If you don't chase him it will never work. He will feel like a dud and unable to connect with you on that level. Un able to please you. Or he will blame you for being frigid and resent you for making him feel like that.

 

It's really not that different for women minus the beast part. Just replace god with goddess and king with queen.

 

Can you offer him that? Can you see yourself carried away in passion? Trying new things? being naughty and daring? Some you might even see as disgusting or rude or whatever other prudish things you may think? And please don't fake it. If you do it may work in the short term but sex will become a big fake act for you if it hasn't already and little by little it will get worse till along comes someone you have ACTUAL sexual chemistry with and BOOM. Now your having an affair or leaving him for another man because " I've never felt this way before". Bleh I've seen that so god damn much on these boards.

 

Men IMO seem to cheat mostly because they are being selfish bastards and chasing something NEW. Women do it too but from what I see more women end up cheating because they never understood sexual chemistry communication and healthy sexual relationships to begin with or the compromised for more material concerns. So along comes Mr handsome chemistry and they are besides themselves with this new feeling they never felt before. A feeling they are willing to throw away or betray boring Mr nice guy hubby away for. He's just a friend you let have sex with you and helped raise your kids so he isn't really quite as important as chasing this new and exciting crazy chemistry filled relationship. I mean Yolo and this could be the one and all right? Just like in all the stories RIGHT?

 

The flip side to this is he may be using this as a smoke screen to give himself just cause to leave you. He can't just do it for no reason and label himself an ass so he blames it on bad sex. But from what you type it sounds like you have sexual hangups.

 

I've seen time and time again women on this board who married or dated guys because it just seemed so logical and easy. He was there. He is a great guy. Why not? that's not a lover. That's a friend.

 

Can I ask you if you have been taken advantage of as a child? I was so I know it can mess you up. It took years of introspection on my own to sort of work it out. Sort of. But once I started seeing a therapist ( a good one there are bad ones ) I really started making progress. I still have a little ways to go but I'm making great progress now.

 

Passion and lost are hard enough to keep alive. If you never had it to begin with you don't stand a chance.

 

Even if you and Mr boyfriend don't work out you should work on how you connect sexually with men. Hopefully YOUR MAN.

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I also kinda can't believe he openly talks with and texts her openly in front of you. This may be done and over already. Don't let this happen in front of you. It shows a lack of respect. He really should just stop altogether but he may be past that point by now.

 

I'd say work on the sex and also try to combat this affair. A two pronged attack. You can't allow this relationship with the ow to continue as long as he is sticking around you. It's not fair to you. Read up on the 180. It's usually suggested to men but I can't see how it wouldn't help you. Stop licking he boots if you are. It won't persuade him only lower his persephone of you and give him more power in its dunamic.

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Dump him. If you're smart

 

Yeah I've been thinking more and more and I'm coming around to that as well. I still believe any sexual issues should be worked out but the more I think about it the more this guy's lack of respect niggles at me.

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Don't lower yourself to want a man who disrespects you like this.

 

If he was half decent ad a lover he would take you on the sexual journey and make sex something you were very interested in.

 

I'm not sure if he was your first, but my first was really good and made it good for me knowing I wasn't experienced... and he was always focussed on my pleasure.

 

Maybe you aren't sexually compatible or maybe he's just a cheater like so many others.

 

You were together several years before buying the house and it was stressful for both of you.

 

I don't agree with the responses of the first poster. You are more than someone to have sex with and if he wasn't happy...He should have said something..not run off like a dog.

 

You need to sort out the house situation...in terms of splitting the finances and let him go. You can do better.

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Don't lower yourself to want a man who disrespects you like this.

 

If he was half decent ad a lover he would take you on the sexual journey and make sex something you were very interested in.

 

I'm not sure if he was your first, but my first was really good and made it good for me knowing I wasn't experienced... and he was always focussed on my pleasure.

 

Maybe you aren't sexually compatible or maybe he's just a cheater like so many others.

 

You were together several years before buying the house and it was stressful for both of you.

 

I don't agree with the responses of the first poster. You are more than someone to have sex with and if he wasn't happy...He should have said something..not run off like a dog.

 

You need to sort out the house situation...in terms of splitting the finances and let him go. You can do better.

 

I'm going to have to agree a bit. My first post may have been way off the mark. I think I may have been projecting other posters issues to easily without enough real info and jumped to conclusions based on very little evidence so far.

 

But I will have to disagree with the whole this guy ran off like a dog. He's in an ea as we know it for now so no he didn't run off. How many times do we talk about giving WS another chance or fighting for your marriage on here.

 

My biggest concern is the total lack of respect. Is this normal for him to disrespect you op? Is he a controlling guy? this reeks of a lack of empathy. Please disregard my earlier post if so. Nothing you do can please a man like this AND don't debase yourself for him.

 

Also the way you (sandlee) talk about sex it's like it's completely the guys job to do the heavy lifting ( no pun ) in sex. Like initiation and seducing is completely his job and the girl is supposed to just go with his flow. That's ok for men who want to dominate 100 percent of the time but that would get old for me fast.

 

You say he is supposed to make sex a journey and HE is supposed to make her interested in it. So what about his journey? When does he get to be chased and recieve? I'm sorry but it takes two to tango and I don't want to lead and initiate every damn time.

Edited by Adotta
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Your going to have to work out the sex issues. And fast. I don't want to make you feel defective or anything I really dont. But even if alone you should seek help from a therapist. Maybe one specializing in sexual issues.

 

I already made an appointment with a specialist to figure out what is going on. Since my childhood I was struggling with depression and I suppose the issue is connected to this fact. The depression part could be resolved a couple of years ago.

 

Have you been maintaining your appearance? Have you been watching your wieght? Again don't feel like I'm calling you disgusting. I'm not. He obviously found you attractive at one point or another or he never would have stuck it out for 8 years.

 

Well i guess I did put 6-7 pounds on, but in my opinion my apearence is still ok. I get a lot of male attention. But sure there is potential for improvement.

 

My guess is boyfriend wasn't happy even before this stretch of stressful time. unlike most guys he could sense you where not really that into sex with him. He was just trying to be supportive and understanding and patient like young boys are tuaght to be. He was just taking what's offered and choosing to swollen any thoughts he has on the matter. Another thing men are tuaght to do that always bites them in the ass.

 

Maybe you are right. When he moved in two years ago it was a huge sacrifice on my part, my apartment is small and we just moved between ours desks and the bed. I live with my two cats so it was very stressful sometimes. The problem ist that I thought all the time "we just have to stick it out until we move into the house"

 

If you don't chase him it will never work. He will feel like a dud and unable to connect with you on that level. Un able to please you. Or he will blame you for being frigid and resent you for making him feel like that.

 

The part with pleasing me was in particular important for him. But I thought we would still have time for this.... It sounds very stupid but we both have very stressful jobs and I am additionally finishing my diploma.

 

 

Can you offer him that? Can you see yourself carried away in passion? Trying new things? being naughty and daring? Some you might even see as disgusting or rude or whatever other prudish things you may think?

 

Well our sexual history is quite complicated. Due to an chronic illness of him there have been months when he did not want to have sex, I was the only one to initiate and was always rejected. After years I learned to deal with it and not take it personally. But now I think we should have gone to an therapist together to really talk this out.

I proposed a lot of novelties in the bedroom but he felt pressured and was not open to it. I tried to be understanding and expected he would be also understanding in this very difficult time.

 

He's just a friend you let have sex with you and helped raise your kids so he isn't really quite as important as chasing this new and exciting crazy chemistry filled relationship. I mean Yolo and this could be the one and all right? Just like in all the stories RIGHT?

 

But the chemistry in the beginning is an illusion, it does not mean much. To build a lifelong thriving relationship there are so much more important things. He did enjoy the sex and so did I, but I could never actually "let go" in the moment. He sensed that and that's what was missing for him.

 

The flip side to this is he may be using this as a smoke screen to give himself just cause to leave you. He can't just do it for no reason and label himself an ass so he blames it on bad sex. But from what you type it sounds like you have sexual hangups.

 

Whoa, I hope not. And I seriously doubt it.

 

Can I ask you if you have been taken advantage of as a child? I was so I know it can mess you up. It took years of introspection on my own to sort of work it out. Sort of. But once I started seeing a therapist ( a good one there are bad ones ) I really started making progress. I still have a little ways to go but I'm making great progress now.

 

I thought a lot about this but I don't think there is anything like that. I have had years of therapy because of my depression and it also involved hypnosis to get to very early memories. No hints of sexual abuse...

 

I also kinda can't believe he openly talks with and texts her openly in front of you. This may be done and over already. Don't let this happen in front of you. It shows a lack of respect. He really should just stop altogether but he may be past that point by now.

 

I'd say work on the sex and also try to combat this affair. A two pronged attack. You can't allow this relationship with the ow to continue as long as he is sticking around you. It's not fair to you. Read up on the 180. It's usually suggested to men but I can't see how it wouldn't help you. Stop licking he boots if you are. It won't persuade him only lower his persephone of you and give him more power in its dunamic.

 

He did not really talk to her in my presence, she called and he said he will call back later. I can see on a messenger when he is online and he only talks with her there. I guess he is in the affair fog when everything is so exciting and new. Now I do not want to have any contact with him, we agreed to talk in a couple of weeks when we both know what we want. I was the one who asked him to move out immediately after the d-day.

 

 

I'm not sure if he was your first, but my first was really good and made it good for me knowing I wasn't experienced... and he was always focussed on my pleasure.

 

Maybe you aren't sexually compatible or maybe he's just a cheater like so many others.

 

No he was not my first. My Bf was focused on me but he was disappointed that my body did not respond the way he expected.

 

 

I don't agree with the responses of the first poster. You are more than someone to have sex with and if he wasn't happy...He should have said something..not run off like a dog.

 

You need to sort out the house situation...in terms of splitting the finances and let him go. You can do better.

 

Thats what I am thinking. The financial stuff will be cleared out, but not now. Our finances are very easy to separate and there is no need to rush this right now.

 

 

My biggest concern is the total lack of respect. Is this normal for him to disrespect you op? Is he a controlling guy? this reeks of a lack of empathy. Please disregard my earlier post if so. Nothing you do can please a man like this AND don't debase yourself for him.

 

No he never disrespected me. I think he is trying to be loyal to me but also to her. When I had any questions concerning the affair or our relationship he would answer them without hesitation.

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I think it was a hit to his ego when your body didn't respond as he expected and he felt like a failure.

 

It's clear from your update that you weren't the one refusing sex and he was rejecting you. You were patient enough and accepted the situation as it was.

 

I would NEVER advocate chasing a WS...I'm sorry but I have more self respect and pride than to chase after a man having an affair.

 

Adotta..my comments earlier were on the assumption that the OP was inexperienced. That's where I think a more experienced partner can take you on the journey...not that it's entirely a man's responsibility.

 

However I would say that men sometimes want a lot of sex and don't always focus on their partners satisfaction. Hence the woman us responsive to a more attentive lover.

 

The situation here is different... his EA disrespectful and he continues it.

 

You guys aren't even married and he's pulling this nonsense. I'd thank God I found out before marriage.

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Yeah this sounds very complicated.

 

The sexual issues don't sound completely his fualt OR your fault. You guys may just be incompatible. He seems to have hang ups. And so do you. Yes I agree sex isn't ALL important but it IS important. It sounds to me like this guy is running away from the problems in bed instead of just buckling down and finding a solution.

 

I can't quite remember the saying but it goes something like. " if your having good sex it's importance is only 10 percent of the realationship. If your not having good sex it's 90 percent of the problems in a relationship. " pretty sure I butchered that.

 

But that secondary right now. If you take him back after he drops to his knees and begs then you can work on that.

 

Have you read any messages between the two? How honest do you think he is being? It's good that he doesn't seem to mistreat you usually but he may be feeding you half truths about this.

 

This is a messy situation I'll tell you that. I'd say about the only thing you can do to keep dignity is go do your own thing. Make him know what it feels like to not have you. Go have some you time. If he comes back you can choose if you want him back or not.

 

The fact that he doesn't want to go to therapy is such bull. I understand it because most men don't want it ESPECIALLY a sex therapist because it makes us feel like duds but he should go if you guys want to work this out. It should be required by you if he wants back into this relationship.

 

I really keep coming back to this dud idea because it's important to men. Once we men get that thought into our head that we can't even pleasure our women it's a big spiral of self hate and feelings of inadequacy. Sex becomes something we dread instead of desire. And it all becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It's not YOUR fault he feels this way. It's really not. But you can help him recover from these feeling at least a little..... that is if you want him back at this point.

 

How are you doing OP. That's what's really important right now. Are you holding it together? You seem to be a strong woman from what I can tell. Just don't let him play this game of choosing for to long and don't show him a lick of affection as long as he hasn't firmly chosen you. Don't do the pick me dance as its called on this board.

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Hi Leela, I'm not sure where you are from but you are apparently from one of the South Asian nations. That said it is rather surprising that you were in a committed relationship for eight years and not married. Culturally speaking, that would have been a no no. Also, eight years is a long time even by Western standards to continue a 'romantic' relationship unless you two had planned on keeping it a common law type and not a regular marital one.

 

For the rest I think you have been given good opinions by those posters who have responded. I am sorry you had to face a situation such as this but sadly, in the modern era with the kind of stressful jobs and nuclear family system, the pressures on people are sometimes just too much to take and break ups like yours occur. There is a hollowness in contemporary society and in the values that people live by. The changes taking place in our lives are accelerating whereas we as humans, are not being able to adjust to them rapidly enough. When we cannot cope, then stress levels rise and this affects the basic family unit in adverse ways. In a way you are lucky that you had no children and also were not married. The next time around choose carefully. Warm wishes.

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I think it was a hit to his ego when your body didn't respond as he expected and he felt like a failure.

 

It's clear from your update that you weren't the one refusing sex and he was rejecting you. You were patient enough and accepted the situation as it was.

 

I would NEVER advocate chasing a WS...I'm sorry but I have more self respect and pride than to chase after a man having an affair.

 

Absolutely! I do not chase him, I said I need time to rethink what I want. The contact between us is logistics only.

 

You guys aren't even married and he's pulling this nonsense. I'd thank God I found out before marriage.

 

Maybe, but maybe this can be an opportunity (a very painful one). I know this sounds stupid, but I think that the sex problem can disturb any relationship in the future. I totally know what he means when we talked about the problems. Now my focus is on working on those things, not for him bur for me. I do not want it to haut me forever. Until the d-day I thought we had so much time to resolve everything and did not understand the urgency.

 

 

Yeah this sounds very complicated.

 

The sexual issues don't sound completely his fualt OR your fault. You guys may just be incompatible. He seems to have hang ups. And so do you. Yes I agree sex isn't ALL important but it IS important. It sounds to me like this guy is running away from the problems in bed instead of just buckling down and finding a solution.

 

I can't quite remember the saying but it goes something like. " if your having good sex it's importance is only 10 percent of the realationship. If your not having good sex it's 90 percent of the problems in a relationship. " pretty sure I butchered that.

 

100% agreed. What exactly do you mean by compatibility? We had the same preferences and loved to touch each other. I had never the capability to "let go" completely during sex with any man. If I have to look for one than it can take a while... My understanding is that it is an issue linked to the depression, not to him.

 

 

Have you read any messages between the two? How honest do you think he is being? It's good that he doesn't seem to mistreat you usually but he may be feeding you half truths about this.

 

No I did not read them. But I honestly do not care if they actually slept together, the sexting with a coworker is as bad for me personally. I would almost prefer him to sleep with her so she will not be the "unattainable, magical sex creature" in his mind. The first excitement will wear of anyway and I am very confident in my role as a girlfriend/lifepartner.

 

This is a messy situation I'll tell you that. I'd say about the only thing you can do to keep dignity is go do your own thing. Make him know what it feels like to not have you. Go have some you time. If he comes back you can choose if you want him back or not.

 

Yes and yes. I am doing all those things I had to sacrifice in the last two years und losing weight very quickly. Right now I am planing a surftrip for a week to do somethings fun.

 

The fact that he doesn't want to go to therapy is such bull. I understand it because most men don't want it ESPECIALLY a sex therapist because it makes us feel like duds but he should go if you guys want to work this out. It should be required by you if he wants back into this relationship.

 

I really keep coming back to this dud idea because it's important to men. Once we men get that thought into our head that we can't even pleasure our women it's a big spiral of self hate and feelings of inadequacy. Sex becomes something we dread instead of desire. And it all becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It's not YOUR fault he feels this way. It's really not. But you can help him recover from these feeling at least a little..... that is if you want him back at this point.

 

Exactly! You described it very well, in his head he can not be a "real" man because he can not satisfy me. We talked a lot about this and I asked him "do you believe me that I have fun and enjoy it" - "yes I believe you now". It really is Bs. I think therapy is the only way for us to talk about those very sensitive topics, unfortunately.

 

How are you doing OP. That's what's really important right now. Are you holding it together? You seem to be a strong woman from what I can tell. Just don't let him play this game of choosing for to long and don't show him a lick of affection as long as he hasn't firmly chosen you. Don't do the pick me dance as its called on this board.

 

The first week was pure hell, but today things are looking up. Thank you for asking! I am planing a lot of things and trying to be good to myself.

Right now I do not want to see him and I will not beg him to come back. In my opinion our relationship was great and if he can not see this then it does not make any sense anyway. And it would be a long way to go.

 

 

Hi Leela, I'm not sure where you are from but you are apparently from one of the South Asian nations. That said it is rather surprising that you were in a committed relationship for eight years and not married. Culturally speaking, that would have been a no no. Also, eight years is a long time even by Western standards to continue a 'romantic' relationship unless you two had planned on keeping it a common law type and not a regular marital one.

 

I am from Europe. We are engaged for almost 1,5 years, the wedding was put off because of the house and the money.

Before we had some years of long-distance relationship, so it is not really weird to me.

 

When we cannot cope, then stress levels rise and this affects the basic family unit in adverse ways. In a way you are lucky that you had no children and also were not married. The next time around choose carefully. Warm wishes.

 

Well in my opinion I chose very carefully, but one never knows what can happen down the road. It seems impossible to me eliminate the possibility of an affair, it does not only depend on the partner but also an me and my behaviour. This does not mean that I blame myself but good people do also make mistakes.

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Compatability can mean alot if different things. From the size of your vagina and his penis to the types of sex you both enjoy. He could secretly be into s and m. it's all about communication. Especially about communicating the things we are to embarrassed or shy to say and SUPER especially the thing we would try to hold back to spare our partners feelings. There are good ways to say bad things.

 

I think people expect this stuff to just happen. And yes sometimes two people meet and they just click. But most people need to work at it a bit.

 

Sometimes though two people are so incompatible there really isn't any hope. If hubby is pushing 4 inches or so and wifey is one of the ones who likes them 8 inches plus, there is not much this couple can do to fix that. It's not her fualt it's not his fualt. It's just ****ty luck. Some women can't take anything over 6 inches or they scream in pain. ( pretty rare. ) so if that woman falls in love with a guy who is pushing 10 inches and the thickness of a Pringle can those two are screwed. Actually no one will be getting screwed lol!

 

If hubby likes dominating and so does wifey... where does that leave them? If wifey likes to be dominated but hubby does too or he just likes lovey dove slow sex?

 

Human beings are not machine made. We are not all uniform. God it would be nice if every vagina and every penis where exactly the same wouldn't it? If every male and female had the same thoughts on sex that would be awsome! But Some people just can't have good sex lives together. Does that mean you leave??? I don't know that's up to whoever is involved. A lack of quality sex usually leads to a bad relationship later. So cut it off now or risk losing everything over it later when you are so much more invested??

 

I think your own hangups should be brought to a therapist (his too) if you can't talk about them here and I don't really expect you to talk here about them either. For most people that is tmi for them to reveal even anonymously. I can help as much as I can and there are plenty of people with even more knowledge wisdom and experience in the health and reproduction forum and the sexual themed forums on loveshack. Those can be good resources for you but I would still recomend doing at least a few rounds of counciling. It's hard to get the full picture across with text.

Edited by Adotta
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You also mentioned novelties and introducing new things. If your talking toys a man who has inadequacy issues will see toys as competition or like training wheels for dumb boys who don't know how to please a woman with what God gave them.

 

It's stupid to think that but he's acting from fear. And fear breeds stupid thoughts. Please don't judge him too harshly for his fear. We as men are pretty much told if you can't please your woman your a joke of a man since we are kids. Small penis jokes run rampant and men insult eachother with things like oh can't get it up eh?! Even women jump in on the jokes. The whole world treats men with sexual hangups like punching bags. I would rather be considered slightly retarded then a poor lover.

 

When you say you can't be in the moment how so? Are you just distracted? Are you embarrassed? Do you orgasm? Some women can not orgasm at all from penis in vagina or it's very rare. They prefer oral or fingers. have you had these same issues with past boyfriends?

 

Does he watch alot of porn? Because if he's trying to make sex in real life like sex in porn he's a fool. It may also may make him feel tiny. I remember being young and seeing some of the penis in porn and being like "oh hell I could never compete with that!". Later on in life I did the research and found out the truth that porn is way over represented with huge penis's and that my penis was actually above average. Even after looking at quite a few peer reviewed studies that all told me I should be plenty happy with what I had it still took me a while to understand that. That fear for him may have stuck around. I got rid of those fears in my late teens but he may still have them. I think every man questions the size of his penis at one point or another and has to come to terms and be happy with what he has.

 

But enough about that. Have you read up on the 180? The 180 is great. It's a way to tell your SO they are important to you but at the same time make sure they know your not a doormat. All while working on yourself and improving your image in thier eyes.

 

There are alot of good books about affairs you will see thrown around on love shack and Surviving An Affair seems to be used alot. There is also the thread at the top of the infidelity forum about what every WS needs to know when reconciling. It's A VERY GOOD READ. Your not married but together 8 years is close enough. Make sure he reads that if you like what you read there. It will help him understand the pain your going through and the distrust and worries you will probably have going foward. It will also tell him clearly the things he can do to help you heal from his betrayal. And that is what this is. I wouldn't rate it a 10 out of 10 betrayal but it's still wrong.

 

Has he contacted you or attempted talking? When he first told you was he all blame and no regret or remorse? Did he blame shift alot? Because him blaiming the sex problems is a form of blame shifting. you don't start an affair physical or not because of issues in your current relationship. Did he cry? Matter of fact or cold?

 

Don't let him rug sweep this if he comes back and you take him back. Forgive and forget does not work. This situation has to be torn apart and analyzed.

If he had issues with the relationship that is fine. But that has nothing to do with starting an affair. Or at least as close to nothing to do with it as possible. It's like a bank robber expecting to recieve pity for robbing the bank because he was hungry and needed food. Sure I might understand why he connects the two but it's still wrong as hell. And I would seriously question his lack of judgment.

 

Is the house in his name? Are you financially protected? I know your are not married but I'm sure you have shared things and this house was built by both of you from what I can tell.

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Compatability can mean alot if different things. From the size of your vagina and his penis to the types of sex you both enjoy. He could secretly be into s and m. it's all about communication. Especially about communicating the things we are to embarrassed or shy to say and SUPER especially the thing we would try to hold back to spare our partners feelings. There are good ways to say bad things.

 

I think people expect this stuff to just happen. And yes sometimes two people meet and they just click. But most people need to work at it a bit.

 

Sometimes though two people are so incompatible there really isn't any hope. If hubby is pushing 4 inches or so and wifey is one of the ones who likes them 8 inches plus, there is not much this couple can do to fix that. It's not her fualt it's not his fualt. It's just ****ty luck. Some women can't take anything over 6 inches or they scream in pain. ( pretty rare. ) so if that woman falls in love with a guy who is pushing 10 inches and the thickness of a Pringle can those two are screwed. Actually no one will be getting screwed lol!

 

If hubby likes dominating and so does wifey... where does that leave them? If wifey likes to be dominated but hubby does too or he just likes lovey dove slow sex?

 

In my opinion we are compatible. Physically everything was fine and we shared most of the same preferences in sex. We also tried to communicate but it was hard at times, I often was afraid to pressure him to much and did not understand the urgency of his requests (to me they seemed as lose suggestions and nothing important).

You are right, he did expect it just to happen. He thinks compatibility means everything just works out just like that. In the beginning this is true, it was also true for us, but after years its just different.

 

 

I think your own hangups should be brought to a therapist (his too) if you can't talk about them here and I don't really expect you to talk here about them either. For most people that is tmi for them to reveal even anonymously. I can help as much as I can and there are plenty of people with even more knowledge wisdom and experience in the health and reproduction forum and the sexual themed forums on loveshack. Those can be good resources for you but I would still recomend doing at least a few rounds of counciling. It's hard to get the full picture across with text.

 

In fact, the thing is that I do not understand why I am this way, there were no assaults in my past and I was always very open. I have no idea where to start the work with the therapist, but I hope she does...

This always puzzled me, but it did not have priority nr. 1.

 

 

You also mentioned novelties and introducing new things. If your talking toys a man who has inadequacy issues will see toys as competition or like training wheels for dumb boys who don't know how to please a woman with what God gave them.

 

It's stupid to think that but he's acting from fear. And fear breeds stupid thoughts. Please don't judge him too harshly for his fear. We as men are pretty much told if you can't please your woman your a joke of a man since we are kids. Small penis jokes run rampant and men insult eachother with things like oh can't get it up eh?! Even women jump in on the jokes. The whole world treats men with sexual hangups like punching bags. I would rather be considered slightly retarded then a poor lover.

 

Yes, toys but also other ideas. I was just for fun to try something new. I never got the impression he could be intimidated by this. The toys I bought weren't intimidating, at least not in size.

 

 

When you say you can't be in the moment how so? Are you just distracted? Are you embarrassed? Do you orgasm? Some women can not orgasm at all from penis in vagina or it's very rare. They prefer oral or fingers. have you had these same issues with past boyfriends?

 

Its mostly about the orgasm. This seems to be a huge problem for him that I do never get one. I was never embarrassed because of this, I always said to him that it never happened with any man. It wasn't his fault or anything. No idea why.

 

 

Does he watch alot of porn? Because if he's trying to make sex in real life like sex in porn he's a fool. It may also may make him feel tiny. I remember being young and seeing some of the penis in porn and being like "oh hell I could never compete with that!".

 

He does watch porn, but not a lot. I would be a huge surprise to me if he was insecure about his size, but one never knows... I have never said anything like this to him.

 

 

But enough about that. Have you read up on the 180? The 180 is great. It's a way to tell your SO they are important to you but at the same time make sure they know your not a doormat. All while working on yourself and improving your image in thier eyes.

 

As I understand it the 180 is about not asking them to come back and concentrating only on oneself. Working on the issues that may caused the breakup und improving physically. And generally not obsessing about the past relationship. I think I am doing just that.

 

There are alot of good books about affairs you will see thrown around on love shack and Surviving An Affair seems to be used alot. There is also the thread at the top of the infidelity forum about what every WS needs to know when reconciling. It's A VERY GOOD READ. Your not married but together 8 years is close enough.

 

Right now I am reading everything from Esther Perel and it does help me a lot to understand the situation. Which books would you recommend?

 

 

Has he contacted you or attempted talking? When he first told you was he all blame and no regret or remorse? Did he blame shift alot? Because him blaiming the sex problems is a form of blame shifting. you don't start an affair physical or not because of issues in your current relationship. Did he cry? Matter of fact or cold?

 

No, he is not ready to really talk. When we first talked he did regret it but was also very confused. I think he was sorry that he did let the contact with that woman get that far. During the talk he changed positions a lot, in one moment he also thought that it was an exceptional stressful time and not representative of our relationship, in another moment he tried to "rewrite" our history in a negative way. He did cry, was not at all cold. At times very soft and loving.

 

Is the house in his name? Are you financially protected? I know your are not married but I'm sure you have shared things and this house was built by both of you from what I can tell.

 

The house is in our both names. Financially I have no problems, from now on he is only responsible for the house costs. We are both very fair in this regard none of uns would make problems for the other in this regard.

Of course, we planed this house for two years! I chose most of the tiles, colors and furniture and everything is planned for two people...

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Doorstopper

It sounds like you're willing to wait and let him decide who he wants. The 180 is fine but you need to go beyond that and start unwinding your relationship. It needs to be over, until its not. What I mean by that is, you need to make plans to sell the new house (if you have a financial commitment to it), get your money back , and move on with your life. Additionally, you should inform his partners significant other about this relationship. Your fiances relationship with the other woman, is pure fantasy, until its out in the open.

 

Finally, it was alluded to above; If he is having an EA with someone he sees every day, the likelihood that it is not a PA as well, is close to zero. He is continuing to lie to you, in this respect.

 

Sexual issues, stress, and anything else did not cause this. Your fiance's selfishness is to blame. It was his choice, and his alone.

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You are right, I guess... I am feeling stupid because I feel this way. The whole time I keep thinking of all those incredible moments we had and this bubble we build for us. Us against the world, but not any more. He risked everything and threw our relationship away for some flirting and maybe sex. Very slowly I begin to understand this, how major this is.

 

The house does not have to be sold, he will keep it. I just need my money back and to be removed from all the paperwork.

I do not know the OW, neither her BF. But the massiveness of their communication has to be noticed for her spouse anyway.

 

It is so hard to understand that this was his choice, but now there is no more doubt about it.

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Yesterday he visited to bring my stuff back from the house. It was so strange, he seemed very open and told me a lot about how the work on the house is proceeding. I did not ask about anything, he just started to talk about it. He also told me that he was on sick leave for a couple of days last week (he did not look and sound sick at all).

There was even a moment of a little bit of flirting (I did not initiate it). I checked and he is not as often online in the messenger app as before. The moment when we said goodbye was also somewhat strange…

 

On the other hand he wanted to talk about the house situation and how it can be unraveled. The loan, the paperwork and stuff.

 

How I see it this can mean two things, the A is ending or it is intensifying. I am only concentrating on me, but am soooo curios what is going on. Maybe he is so happy because they are finally together? I know it does not make a difference, but somehow it does for me.

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Dear Leela_x if he will cheat on you before your married he will cheat on you after your married. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your your rights and what your legal commitment is on house if you don't move into it with him. You may be forced into selling it to get out of your commitment. It is very rare that emotional relationships stay emotional only if the relationship has gone on for a while regardless of distance apart. You need to tell the other betrayed spouse what is going on, do not tell your soon to be ex fiance that you are going to contact him. Leela, I just don't see how you will survive a lifetime relationship with someone that is already cheating on you, you haven't even made it to the honeymoon. How do you expect to keep him committed to you once the newness wears off? The issue here is, your fully committed to the relationship and he is only part time. If he is not 100% for your relationship(You) then fire him. Talk to a lawyer, expose them to the other betrayed spouse. You deserve a hell of a lot better then this.

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On the other hand he wanted to talk about the house situation and how it can be unraveled. The loan, the paperwork and stuff.

 

How I see it this can mean two things, the A is ending or it is intensifying. I am only concentrating on me, but am soooo curios what is going on. Maybe he is so happy because they are finally together? I know it does not make a difference, but somehow it does for me.

 

The fact that he was more concerned about unraveling the house situation says he has no intention of reconciling with you. I'm sure he and the OW are having sex by now and that has him caught up.

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