Jump to content

Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it


Recommended Posts

So for those that want to check my history, i had posted about my wife sleeping at a coworkers spot a month or so ago and I wanted to update everyone here because you were all kind enough to share your help with me.

 

It's not a good update and I am at a loss. As we speak, she is in counseling, has been going for a month because especially for the last 40 or so days, things have been bad between us. She has not been open with me, not sharing with me and being very closed off.

 

I couldn't figure out what the catalyst was and long story short she is in love with her boss. After a week of little to no talking she came back from a work trip and said we would have an honest talk that she has been terrified to have with me because of what it could mean for our relationship.

 

She said she doesn't know if it's love or not but that they are really strong physical and emotional feelings and that it made her feel so guilty that she couldn't talk to me and became withdrawn.

 

As a note, her role causes her to travel with him and spend a lot of one on one time and they became close, like really close and I want to throw up and an am in shock to be honest. Her old job she used to have so much free time but because of the demanding nature she was forced to spend and still is forced to spend nearly all day with him.

 

To her credit, if you want to call it that, her therapist told her not to tell me she fell for her boss because of how painful it would be for me to hear and I think she was right because I can't process it.

 

The worst part was hearing her say that she thinks I deserve better and that she has thought what life looks like without me. I had a panic attack and still do when she talks like that and because of that I tried to rationalize it even to the point where I was going to let her sleep with him because I thought she can't ever leave me if I let her have sex or whatever it is.

 

This is a totally different story now than the original but it's just so awful. She says has wanted him to make a move but he hasn't so at this point it doesn't even matter. I am just lost. She's my best friend since 16, she knows my so well and it's like osmosis where we just know eachother in and out.

 

I can't process the thought of being without her. It makes me actually sick and incapable of work and I am not strong enough to leave her and I don't know what to do. I just want her to love me like I love her. I don't know what to tell her outside of "but how can you not love me, it's me?"

 

My head is so over the place. I am just lost.

I'll make a new thread as well but thanks in advance guys. I already know what the answers should be but I can't process it. I love her so much and don't understand how I don't mean the same to her. I don't want it to be over but she used the words love about another man. I am going to be sick :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So for those that want to check my history, i had posted about my wife sleeping at a coworkers spot a month or so ago and I wanted to update everyone here because you were all kind enough to share your help with me.

 

It's not a good update and I am at a loss. As we speak, she is in counseling, has been going for a month because especially for the last 40 or so days, things have been bad between us. She has not been open with me, not sharing with me and being very closed off.

 

I couldn't figure out what the catalyst was and long story short she is in love with her boss. After a week of little to no talking she came back from a work trip and said we would have an honest talk that she has been terrified to have with me because of what it could mean for our relationship.

 

She said she doesn't know if it's love or not but that they are really strong physical and emotional feelings and that it made her feel so guilty that she couldn't talk to me and became withdrawn.

 

As a note, her role causes her to travel with him and spend a lot of one on one time and they became close, like really close and I want to throw up and an am in shock to be honest. Her old job she used to have so much free time but because of the demanding nature she was forced to spend and still is forced to spend nearly all day with him.

 

To her credit, if you want to call it that, her therapist told her not to tell me she fell for her boss because of how painful it would be for me to hear and I think she was right because I can't process it.

 

The worst part was hearing her say that she thinks I deserve better and that she has thought what life looks like without me. I had a panic attack and still do when she talks like that and because of that I tried to rationalize it even to the point where I was going to let her sleep with him because I thought she can't ever leave me if I let her have sex or whatever it is.

 

This is a totally different story now than the original but it's just so awful. She says has wanted him to make a move but he hasn't so at this point it doesn't even matter. I am just lost. She's my best friend since 16, she knows my so well and it's like osmosis where we just know eachother in and out.

 

I can't process the thought of being without her. It makes me actually sick and incapable of work and I am not strong enough to leave her and I don't know what to do. I just want her to love me like I love her. I don't know what to tell her outside of "but how can you not love me, it's me?"

 

My head is so over the place. I am just lost.

I'll make a new thread as well but thanks in advance guys. I already know what the answers should be but I can't process it. I love her so much and don't understand how I don't mean the same to her. I don't want it to be over but she used the words love about another man. I am going to be sick

Share

b2121 is invisible

Link to post
Share on other sites

My condolescence, this isn't nice to hear even if she is giving you the whole truth. Which she might not be.

 

Here's the thing, your relationship is done. All you are doing from here on out is only hurting yourself further, giving yourself false hope and trying to find a way to fix something you can't. Get away from it now. This isn't about her anymore, not about the relationship, it's about you. Having her around with her own issues as a constant reminder is only further going to hurt you. You should do what's best for you now, including filing for divorce first. Because one the "guilt" she has wears off or things with her boss take off and she doesn't need you as fallback anymore she'll do it and then you wontl only have the pain to deal with but also being in the worse position and possibly losing almost everything.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Process her divorce papers and let's see how she processes her relationship with you.

Yep and as soon as possible. Given her prior behaviour, I don't believe she's giving OP the whole truth. The way she told him and the way she acted about it portrays her in as positive a light as possible and keeps him on the backburner while she works out where she can and wants to go from here on out.

 

He needs to think about himself, how he can get out of this situation and do so without losing almost everything.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it hard to believe that she isn't already having sex with him.

 

You should get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it yourself and have her read it. There is a lot in there about workplace affairs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

couldn't post edit for some reason......

 

 

Process her divorce papers and let's see how she processes her relationship with you. If you chase and plead, you will enable and extend her affair, as she will know she has you firm and in her back pocket as an "safety" option. The key is removing yourself as an option (to expose a vulnerability of being without you) and force her to choose on your time frame, not hers. Hers could be months or years, seriously. Niceing and pleading will make her disrespect you and force you to question your own self-respect and dignity. Conversely, if you take control over your life you will come out on top. Allowing her to play you in the "pick me" game will render you into a hapless being.

 

Being in control means removing yourself from HER infidelity. You remove yourself by telling her to remove herself from your home and not communicating with her, not by text, phone or otherwise. She will either miss or not miss you. She has to SEE STRENGTH and a resolve in you. Taking full control can be done having her served divorce papers immediately. You can always reverse the process, but having her served will allow her to see IMMEDIATELY what her life will be like without you. It's unlikely she's thought this through seriously, as limerence has a way of blocking that out. She's in a fantasy cloud and you have to remove her from that cloud and into reality asap. It won't miraculously go away. You will have to do some hard things to turn her back to you. Then she has to do the heavy lifting to regain your love and respect.

 

This takes courage and being fearless with what the future holds for you. It will be scary and uncomfortable, but it will be for her also, which is why it's effective. Fearless, decisive and in control will allow you to win. It's not about her, it's about what YOU do that will remedy this. Not the therapist, not her parents, not her..........you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks. I know you are right. It's just crazy to think this is happening. I just spoke with her on the phone after her counseling session and I freaked out on her. She tried making it like her boss wasn't the issue, but that we had issues and xyz who gives a ****. She's a child who can't own what she did.

 

I will make roo the ****ing day.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The boss isn't the issue, she is, you have a wife that is actively searching for your replacement. Get rid of her, there is no relationship because you need two people in it to be able to call it a relationship. She lies to you, she supposedly only sleeps at male coworkers places when she doesn't come home. Now she disrespects you with some bullsh*t that she is in love with her boss and wants to be physical with him. Just how much are you willing to take before you get your a$$ out of there? What is so special about a liar that cheats on you and causes this much drama in your life? Being alone with a dog to come home to is a hell of a lot better then what you have going on in your life right now. Let her date her boss but first fire her a$$ as your wife. You have absolutely nothing to gain by staying in a relationship with someone this F***ed up, seriously, what's really going on that makes you think this is the best you can do? Talk to a lawyer tomorrow.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

b2121,

 

I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now. You are probably experiencing some form of PTSD right now, which can be absolutely debilitating. You will lose your appetite, your thoughts will be out of control, you won’t be able to sleep, and you will essentially be existing in a state of shock for a few weeks.

 

That sense of loss you are experiencing is overwhelming. It’s like your entire worldview has just been shattered. You will feel an overwhelming urge to “fix” things with your wife as soon as possible and get back to normal.

 

If you had the ability to just take a three week vacation right now to a remote island and cut off all contact with your wife and the world, that’s what I would recommend doing. Members here have a lot of good advice regarding the steps to take when first learning of an affair. The advice is absolutely spot on. The problem, however, is that in the majority of cases, the betrayed men simply do not have the ability to follow through on this advice. Because of their weakened, emotional state where they are not thinking normally, they make bad mistakes even when advised otherwise. That’s why I think if possible a man should simply take a time out for a while to avoid doing anything stupid and give their mind a chance to get out of the shocked state.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I recall one of the worst things about the whole ordeal was that the one person I would normally talk to and confide in to help me get through a tragedy is the person that betrayed me. Is there anyone (in real life) that you can talk to about this?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well you were told what was going on... when you posted last time.

 

You, (and I don't even have to look back at your old thread) were told that your wife was having an affair.

 

You were told then, and what did you do? Bury your head in the sand.

 

Has she admitted to sleeping with him yet?

 

Because since she started the new job she has been screwing her boss.

 

You were told to investigate what was going on, because we knew she was sleeping with him.

 

So just like most other men that act like you have been acting, you need to go ahead and turn in your man card, because you do not deserve to keep it.

 

If you want to earn your man card back you need to do the following things:

 

1) Grow a pair of balls.

 

2) File for divorce as soon as you can get to a lawyers office, today if possible.

 

3) Ask her to leave the house.

 

4) Put every dime that you have in a separate account that only you have access to.

 

5) Do not talk to her (AT FU***** all) until the divorce is final.

 

6) If her boss is married, you need to contact his wife and tell her that her husband is having an affair with your wife.

 

Now, do you understand why we told you what we told you the last time.

 

Come on, please have some self-respect and divorce her now....

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, I did check your past threads. I hate to say this, but I'd be remiss in NOT saying this: This sort of dynamic--your wife (girlfriend) being into another man--actually has been in your relationship all along it looks like.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/317138-gf-had-sex-while-broken-up-not-sure-what-think

 

(ETA: Or at least, I am guessing it is the same woman. This thread I quoted is from 2012.)

 

I realize that the calls to kick her to the curb are much easier said than done. But any time you try romanticizing what you and your wife have had: This woman and your marriage to her doesn't sound all that great to me. Staying to a woman who has always made you sleep with one eye open doesn't sound like much of a way to live, brother.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Another example of a horrible therapist who believes that it is

not important to tell the truth to a spouse. There are so many

incompetent therapists practicing today. Absolutely repugnant.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Another example of a horrible therapist who believes that it is

not important to tell the truth to a spouse. There are so many

incompetent therapists practicing today. Absolutely repugnant.

 

Brother you are just so right...

 

Where do these people get their licenses from a cracker jack box.

 

I have had this type of stuff actually happen to me, and I have heard about it literally a 1000 times. What self respecting therapist would ever advise their client to do something like this.

 

This type of thing is just one symptom of the mental health issues that are just insane these days...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your wife is not making good decisions, because nothing good will come from this relationship with her boss... She will probably learn that lesson, the hard way.

 

I'm really sorry for your pain. Hang in there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Colin Grant

Found this on another site. Reinforces what I posted earlier and then some. Take heed

 

 

Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

 

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

 

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

 

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

 

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

 

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

 

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

 

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

 

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

 

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

 

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

 

3.Serve me with separation papers.

 

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

 

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

 

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

 

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Colin, just saying...

 

You may want to read his other threads.

 

She has been cheating for a while. He has been totally weak, I mean she still works and travels with the guy she is screwing.

 

Their is no coming back from this. If he is ever to come back from this, he has to divorce her yesterday.

 

She is less than remorseless. She is worthless.

 

This guy has one choice...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Colin Grant

BluesPower........

 

Thanks for the heads up. I'm late to the party. I violated my own rule. I hate latecomers who aren't up to date on the story and then offers advice. Didn't know he had other threads though. Nonetheless, thanks for pulling my coattail.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
So for those that want to check my history, i had posted about my wife sleeping at a coworkers spot a month or so ago and I wanted to update everyone here because you were all kind enough to share your help with me.

 

It's not a good update and I am at a loss. As we speak, she is in counseling, has been going for a month because especially for the last 40 or so days, things have been bad between us. She has not been open with me, not sharing with me and being very closed off.

 

She's cheating and this is what happens during an affair. You've been relegated to nothing

 

I couldn't figure out what the catalyst was and long story short she is in love with her boss. After a week of little to no talking she came back from a work trip and said we would have an honest talk that she has been terrified to have with me because of what it could mean for our relationship.

 

If they work and travel together it's probably a physical affair. She's not going to tell you all that's going on

 

She said she doesn't know if it's love or not but that they are really strong physical and emotional feelings and that it made her feel so guilty that she couldn't talk to me and became withdrawn.

 

She's setting the tone for what's coming. She's preparing to dump you for him.

 

As a note, her role causes her to travel with him and spend a lot of one on one time and they became close, like really close and I want to throw up and an am in shock to be honest. Her old job she used to have so much free time but because of the demanding nature she was forced to spend and still is forced to spend nearly all day with him.

 

And she's loving every minute of it. No one can be forced to do anything. Being in denial isn't helping you at all.

 

To her credit, if you want to call it that, her therapist told her not to tell me she fell for her boss because of how painful it would be for me to hear and I think she was right because I can't process it.

 

No, you are paralyzed with fear and are doing nothing about it.

 

The worst part was hearing her say that she thinks I deserve better and that she has thought what life looks like without me. I had a panic attack and still do when she talks like that and because of that I tried to rationalize it even to the point where I was going to let her sleep with him because I thought she can't ever leave me if I let her have sex or whatever it is.

 

Do you really devalue yourself that much?

 

This is a totally different story now than the original but it's just so awful. She says has wanted him to make a move but he hasn't so at this point it doesn't even matter. I am just lost. She's my best friend since 16, she knows my so well and it's like osmosis where we just know eachother in and out.

 

Cheaters lie a lot and you're only getting the "tip of the iceberg".

 

I can't process the thought of being without her. It makes me actually sick and incapable of work and I am not strong enough to leave her and I don't know what to do. I just want her to love me like I love her. I don't know what to tell her outside of "but how can you not love me, it's me?"

 

You are projecting your feelings onto her but that not what she's feeling for you. I wouldn't worry too much about her leaving you because she already has. You are in denial and don't want toned the truth.

 

My head is so over the place. I am just lost.

I'll make a new thread as well but thanks in advance guys. I already know what the answers should be but I can't process it. I love her so much and don't understand how I don't mean the same to her. I don't want it to be over but she used the words love about another man. I am going to be sick

Share

b2121 is invisible

 

Weakness is unnattractive. Strength is not. You are letting your weakness define you and as a result her other man looks even better compared to you.

 

You've put yourself in a no win situation. You are living in infidelity by your own choice.

 

You've taken zero action and will continue to get played and walked on until you do.

 

You'd better wake up.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

b2121, are you seeing a therapist?

 

Can't help but wonder why you see the relationship like this:

 

She's my best friend since 16, she knows me so well and it's like osmosis where we just know each other in and out.

 

And she sees it like this:

 

She tried making it like her boss wasn't the issue, but that we had issues and xyz who gives a ****.

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

b2121

 

Get some counseling yourself.

 

Don’t get a panzyass counselor either, find someone that will tell you how it really is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through.

 

I know you guys mean well but saying stuff like "hand back your man card" isn't necessary.

 

All of us male and female are capable of feeling hurt and devastation on hearing something like this. It doesn't make him leas of a man because he hasn't immediately filed for divorce.

 

B21...I know you're in a state of shock, but it does look like your wife has checked out of the marriage a while ago.

 

She always keeps you on the backfoot and it sounds like she thinks you should be grateful to have her. This isn't an equal relationship at all.

 

You clearly love her and adore her to even think about letting her sleep with another man.

 

That's a one sided open marriage. ..unless you're proposing an open marriage on both sides. ..don't do it. Im not getting the impression this would be something you want.

 

I can tell you she'll have absolutely no respect for you if you do that. She'll turn you into a cuckold and have you helping her get ready for dates if you aren't careful.

 

Nobody is irreplaceable. If she doesn't love and value you...you'll find someone else who does.

 

I think good men are harder to come by than good women.

 

Don't be gripped by fear.

 

"Don't cry because of her. Cry because of who you thought she was"

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...