LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree153Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 1st March 2018, 8:43 AM   #31
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3,333
op,
I am sorry that you have found yourself in this position. It's a really crappy place to be.

One thing I want you to know right off is that her behavior is not your fault. It is 100 percent on her head.

My advice for what to do next? My first stop would be a lawyer's office. Explain what has been going on and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. The more you learn, the better off you're going to be, and it's a way for you to stop feeling like your life is spinning out of control.

Secondly, find a friend who you can really trust. Talk all of this through and, if you feel like you need additional strength, they can help provide it. Finding a good counselor or therapist can also be really helpful.

Once you have seen the lawyer and know what you can and can't do, from a legal perspective, use that as a guide for your next steps. If he/she says it's okay, pack up all of your wife's belongings and have them waiting for her. Let her figure out where she's going to stay. If that is not legally possible, set yourself up in a room in your home that you don't share with her. Put a lock on the door and make sure knows she is not welcome and she is to stay out. Treat her as a room mate. Be cordial and polite ( but not friendly) and keep building your strength.

If you have interactions with her, I would suggest recording them , for your own protection. Sad as it is for me to say it, some women will try to use "he put his hands on me" as a manipulative tactic, even if you have done no such thing. Protect yourself.

In your shoes, I would begin the process of divorce now. Get your ducks in a row before you give her any indication you are doing so. You don't have to view her as the enemy, but as someone you can't trust.

Most importantly, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER. That is a tactic she may well try to insinuate herself back into your good graces. If you can't help yourself, make damned sure she doesn't get pregnant. That's the last thing you need, and would be very unfair to any child you bring into this situation.

Start building a life without her. Take small steps at first, if you need to. Join a club or not for profit group, volunteer, take a class, learn a new hobby. The point is to show yourself you can still have fun and be happy without her, and also to meet new people- not for a relationship but just as friends. You need to find " you" again, and that's a great way to do it.

Make sure you eat well, sleep and get exercise. If you aren't already in one, join a gym and do whatever work outs feel good for you.

Lastly, know this. your wife is not an evil person, but she certainly is a "broken" one, and she has no problem in making you suffer for her failings. You can't fix or change that. She didn't cheat because of anything you did/ didn't do. You can't make her any different, but what you can do is work on yourself. It will be hard, and it's going to be hurtful, but in the end, it will be for the best. You've got a long road ahead, but uncoupling from her is something you can do. Take each day as it comes, get through it, and go on to the next. Arm yourself with knowledge and don't be afraid to seek strength from others if you need it.

Most of us in the "infidelity" section have been where you are, and understand how much it hurts. You love someone, you trust them enough to let them in and then they screw you over. That is exquisite painful, but it can and does get better, especially when you start to take some of your power back.
__________________
"“there’s no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religion… just decency.”-R.M.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 8:53 AM   #32
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,364
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
Because it's not about being a MAN. It's about being a STRONG PERSON with self-respect.

A woman allowing her spouse to walk all over her is just as much in need of help. And there are plenty of women who make exactly the same mistake, knowing that their husband is sleeping around and choosing to try and ignore it.

What are you going to tell them, 'hand in your woman card'? I'll bet you look at that and think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Perhaps you should ponder why that is.

Using this sort of language gives the (unintended, I hope) impression that you think it's okay for people who are NOT men to be treated like that.
Yes.

For there even comes a time when a woman has to "man up" and get
the job done.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 8:59 AM   #33
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,364
Quote:
Originally Posted by Floveet View Post
You have said it all Bluepowers.
If as stated before, his wife is the same girl he was with in 2012 from old posts.
She has found the perfect guy to manipulate and use for her own interests.


RESPECT !
Going on since 2012.
Going on since 2012!
Going on since 2012?

I have heard of BH's just finding out that their BW has been having
an affair for the last six years. Though to let a WW have an affair
go on for the last six years is beyond imagination.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 10:47 AM   #34
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,000
Yes, but if you will look...

Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
Because it's not about being a MAN. It's about being a STRONG PERSON with self-respect.

A woman allowing her spouse to walk all over her is just as much in need of help. And there are plenty of women who make exactly the same mistake, knowing that their husband is sleeping around and choosing to try and ignore it.

What are you going to tell them, 'hand in your woman card'? I'll bet you look at that and think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Perhaps you should ponder why that is.

Using this sort of language gives the (unintended, I hope) impression that you think it's okay for people who are NOT men to be treated like that.
Yes, but if you will look... I used both genders in that last post. And of course women should have the same boundaries.

But, in this case, since OP male, I was focusing on the male side of the equation.

I actually tell most women the same thing, I just have not used the woman card analogy.

And, actually, in a male sense, it is about being a man. And a strong man.

In this situation OP, has just let this continue because he is just being so very weak...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:37 PM   #35
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
I agree with Somanymistakes .it's not about being a man.... it's about not allowing yourself to be messed around.

Blues, I know you're a straight talker. ...I wasn't getting at you by what I said (I know you speak from experience) ... I just wanted to get a similar message across in a more empathic way.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:39 PM   #36
Established Member
 
aliveagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Just East of the Rockies
Posts: 3,209
This stops when you say it does, unfortunately knowing your history it is very unlikely you will take the necessary steps that will take you out of infidelity. Your expecting her to come to her senses and be the wife you always envisioned she would be by avoiding the real issue, no one man will ever be enough for her. Your under 30 years of age, she did the very same thing to you before you married her, she fell in love with someone, broke up with you, had sex with the new guy a dozen or more times then came back to you. She has been doing this very same thing to you for the last 7 or so years. She has been showing you who she really is but you refuse to believe her.

How are you going to survive the next 50 plus years with her if she keeps falling in love with other men? The best predictor of your future with her is to look at your history, your life is going to really suck unless YOU do something to change it. You can't expect her to save you, she's the one putting you into infidelity and all you have done is shown her how hurt you are(she doesn't care because she keeps doing it to you). You can't allow someone who makes really, really bad decisions make decisions about your future or your currant situation is your future.

Just my opinion, one of two things will happen, you will live this as your life and accept that you will be sharing her with countless other men or she will find someone soon and divorce you for him. The decision is your my friend, I know what I would do but this is your life and only you can choose how you live it, drama or happiness. You have her way to high on that pedestal, you need to see her for what she really is, a serial cheater. If you choose to be married to someone that cheats get a good medical plan, your health is at risk. You will probably have to DNA test your children. 2012, haven't you suffered enough, the rest of your life is a very long time from now and you deserve to be happy. She is not what will make you happy and you will never realize this until you finally decide to take responsibility for creating your own happiness. You can't rely on her to do that because your history is proof that it will never happen with her.
aliveagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:47 PM   #37
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 498
6 years? whoa...
Is this some sort of "I like to be humiliated" turn on thingy?

There are words to describe this but I don't want to get banned, yet again...

This sounds very attention grabbing, purposefully.
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 2:26 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1,308
File for divorce.


I don't even understand why this is a question.
Cephalopod is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 3:09 PM   #39
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Thanks for the advice and to same to all, though yes some of you make it sound like it's all so easy.

I couldn't go to work today, just too hard. I can't eat, I don't want to workout and yet she's just plugging away at work like it's all ok it's just BS.

So from a practical non macho fake standpoint. What do I do right now? Google divorce filings and file? Do I pack her stuff up? We live in a one bed room apartment so it's not really posible ot have space right now.

I would ( don't have a choice) be all for separation, but if she doesn't remove herself from work she wont ever miss me because she's just filling that void. I don't know how to explain that to her.

I also don't know if I tell her mom and dad who I am closer to than my own parents. She's going to tell them a fake version of all this and I'd rather they knew the truth. Is that pointless?
b2121 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 3:36 PM   #40
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,000
Brother, could you just answer some yes no questions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by b2121 View Post
Thanks for the advice and to same to all, though yes some of you make it sound like it's all so easy.

I couldn't go to work today, just too hard. I can't eat, I don't want to workout and yet she's just plugging away at work like it's all ok it's just BS.

So from a practical non macho fake standpoint. What do I do right now? Google divorce filings and file? Do I pack her stuff up? We live in a one bed room apartment so it's not really posible ot have space right now.

I would ( don't have a choice) be all for separation, but if she doesn't remove herself from work she wont ever miss me because she's just filling that void. I don't know how to explain that to her.

I also don't know if I tell her mom and dad who I am closer to than my own parents. She's going to tell them a fake version of all this and I'd rather they knew the truth. Is that pointless?
Brother, could you just answer some yes no questions... since you seem incapable of responding to a plethora of questions and useful advice.

Just quote this post and respond at the end of each question.

1) Do you understand that your "wife" has been sleeping around with multiple men the entire time you have been with her? And now she is sleeping with her boss?

2) Can you afford the apt by yourself?

3) Are you physically capable of getting some boxes and packing her stuff up and placing it on the front porch?

4) Is her boss married?

5) Do you actually think that she loves you in any way?

6) Do you understand that none of us are being "macho" that we are talking about basic self respect?

Can you answer those questions?
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 3:46 PM   #41
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
Forget about missing you...that ship has sailed.

It's time to focus on YOU. Google divorce /family lawyers in your area and take it from there.

Start implementing the 180 180

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Your wife carries on as normal because she doesn't give a damn how you feel.

Can you go away for a few nights to get some space?

Don't let her see you sad. Don't initiate conversation with her. Don't discuss your future ..you don't have one with her.

Wanting a committed faithful wife isn't much to ask for. It's the bare minimum.

Value yourself or nobody else will.
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 4:20 PM   #42
Established Member
 
aliveagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Just East of the Rockies
Posts: 3,209
Quote:
Originally Posted by b2121 View Post
Thanks for the advice and to same to all, though yes some of you make it sound like it's all so easy.

I couldn't go to work today, just too hard. I can't eat, I don't want to workout and yet she's just plugging away at work like it's all ok it's just BS.

So from a practical non macho fake standpoint. What do I do right now? Google divorce filings and file? Do I pack her stuff up? We live in a one bed room apartment so it's not really posible ot have space right now.

I would ( don't have a choice) be all for separation, but if she doesn't remove herself from work she wont ever miss me because she's just filling that void. I don't know how to explain that to her.

I also don't know if I tell her mom and dad who I am closer to than my own parents. She's going to tell them a fake version of all this and I'd rather they knew the truth. Is that pointless?
You expose her cheating to the people that have influence over her. Don't expect much from her parents, blood is thicker then....... If you don't have family or friends that can put you up for a few days so you get time away from her to plan your future check in with your church. They may be able to help you. You need to start detaching from her, best way to do that is with the "180" make it your new mantra. You are being abused and you are doing nothing to stop it. Stand up for yourself. Get some distance away from her starting now if you can find someone to take you in for a little while. You need to talk to a lawyer. You start the same way all of us did, make the decision to get yourself out of infidelity. Just pack up what you need for a few days, tell your office you need a few days off because of family issues and get your a$$ out of there.

Trust me, when she see's your taking control of your own destiny she will be chasing you so be prepared for what you want. Why are you settling for a part time wife? She is 100% all in for your marriage or fire her from the position because she failed miserably as your wife. You don't need any further proof, she's in love with another man, if she can't be true to you, get rid of her.

Last edited by aliveagain; 1st March 2018 at 4:32 PM..
aliveagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 4:34 PM   #43
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Brother, could you just answer some yes no questions... since you seem incapable of responding to a plethora of questions and useful advice.

Just quote this post and respond at the end of each question.

1) Do you understand that your "wife" has been sleeping around with multiple men the entire time you have been with her? And now she is sleeping with her boss?

2) Can you afford the apt by yourself?

3) Are you physically capable of getting some boxes and packing her stuff up and placing it on the front porch?

4) Is her boss married?

5) Do you actually think that she loves you in any way?

6) Do you understand that none of us are being "macho" that we are talking about basic self respect?

Can you answer those questions?
1. I really don't think she is, nothing is more painful than knowing she loves another man why lie, but at this point does it matter?
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. Yes with baby
5. Yes, but who does this to someone they love.
6. Yes of course. I just meant it's really really hard to accept your life as you know it is over and you have to restart. Is it wrong of me that I still want her to come home and say how much she loves me and that's she is sorry? Again I know why you are all saying this. I go through moments of clarity then all of sudden I am shaking and I want to punch a hole through a wall.

For what it is worth, I just spoke to her dad and he was in total shock and on my side for everything and couldn't believe i was talking about his daughter.

She and i spoke more last night and the most apparent thing is how not real this is to her which is bizzare because she is the one creating it. She said the therapist ( who i agree seems like a ****ing joke, so glad i am paying 200 an hour) asked what would be the hardest part about being divorced and she said knowing my mental health and thats why she was so sad because that was her first thought and not missing me.

Like wake the **** up you child. I realize this can be said about me though. And i know, i sound like every guy ever who says this is different, but i really don't think it's sex. She may be a POS but i don't get why she'd lie at this point. She admitted that she wanted him to kiss her on a trip, so why admit that, but again not sure it matters.
b2121 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 4:46 PM   #44
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,000
Omg...

Quote:
Originally Posted by b2121 View Post
1. I really don't think she is, nothing is more painful than knowing she loves another man why lie, but at this point does it matter?
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. Yes with baby
5. Yes, but who does this to someone they love.
6. Yes of course. I just meant it's really really hard to accept your life as you know it is over and you have to restart. Is it wrong of me that I still want her to come home and say how much she loves me and that's she is sorry? Again I know why you are all saying this. I go through moments of clarity then all of sudden I am shaking and I want to punch a hole through a wall.

For what it is worth, I just spoke to her dad and he was in total shock and on my side for everything and couldn't believe i was talking about his daughter.

She and i spoke more last night and the most apparent thing is how not real this is to her which is bizzare because she is the one creating it. She said the therapist ( who i agree seems like a ****ing joke, so glad i am paying 200 an hour) asked what would be the hardest part about being divorced and she said knowing my mental health and thats why she was so sad because that was her first thought and not missing me.

Like wake the **** up you child. I realize this can be said about me though. And i know, i sound like every guy ever who says this is different, but i really don't think it's sex. She may be a POS but i don't get why she'd lie at this point. She admitted that she wanted him to kiss her on a trip, so why admit that, but again not sure it matters.
OMG... You need to get to a therapist really quickly. My friend you are completely and totally delusional and in complete denial.

She has been sleeping around on you since before you got married.

Adults that are in "love", which is this case it means that she loves to f*** him, do not go on business trips and not have sex. They are having sex in his office.

You have got to wake up.

She does not love you. She does not want you. She does not want to have sex with you. She does not respect you.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND????

You need to pack her stuff. Put it out on the porch. Change the locks. Call he OM's wife and explain that you just kicked your wife out and she has been having an affair with her husband.

WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 4:48 PM   #45
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
Forget about missing you...that ship has sailed.

It's time to focus on YOU. Google divorce /family lawyers in your area and take it from there.

Start implementing the 180 180

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Your wife carries on as normal because she doesn't give a damn how you feel.

Can you go away for a few nights to get some space?

Don't let her see you sad. Don't initiate conversation with her. Don't discuss your future ..you don't have one with her.

Wanting a committed faithful wife isn't much to ask for. It's the bare minimum.

Value yourself or nobody else will.
Thanks , that link is really helpful. I just need to trick my brain into being happy. How do i get an appetite?
b2121 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Did she or not? Wife and her Boss VerusSS Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 23 19th July 2015 12:36 PM
Wife Overcomplicating Divorce Process jdubbish Separation and Divorce 11 23rd May 2013 9:28 AM
My wife and her boss 0plus2is1 Infidelity 40 24th June 2008 9:25 AM
!! His Ex-wife's The Boss! HeartDM66 Dating 0 27th August 2006 7:19 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:32 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.