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Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it


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Old 28th February 2018, 7:38 PM   #16
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Another example of a horrible therapist who believes that it is
not important to tell the truth to a spouse. There are so many
incompetent therapists practicing today. Absolutely repugnant.
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Old 28th February 2018, 7:49 PM   #17
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Brother you are just so right...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanp View Post
Another example of a horrible therapist who believes that it is
not important to tell the truth to a spouse. There are so many
incompetent therapists practicing today. Absolutely repugnant.
Brother you are just so right...

Where do these people get their licenses from a cracker jack box.

I have had this type of stuff actually happen to me, and I have heard about it literally a 1000 times. What self respecting therapist would ever advise their client to do something like this.

This type of thing is just one symptom of the mental health issues that are just insane these days...
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Old 28th February 2018, 7:53 PM   #18
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Your wife is not making good decisions, because nothing good will come from this relationship with her boss... She will probably learn that lesson, the hard way.

I'm really sorry for your pain. Hang in there.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:02 PM   #19
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A wayward wife's recommendation on what to do

Found this on another site. Reinforces what I posted earlier and then some. Take heed


Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man
I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.


This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:28 PM   #20
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Colin, just saying...

Colin, just saying...

You may want to read his other threads.

She has been cheating for a while. He has been totally weak, I mean she still works and travels with the guy she is screwing.

Their is no coming back from this. If he is ever to come back from this, he has to divorce her yesterday.

She is less than remorseless. She is worthless.

This guy has one choice...
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:42 PM   #21
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BluesPower

BluesPower........

Thanks for the heads up. I'm late to the party. I violated my own rule. I hate latecomers who aren't up to date on the story and then offers advice. Didn't know he had other threads though. Nonetheless, thanks for pulling my coattail.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:58 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by b2121 View Post
So for those that want to check my history, i had posted about my wife sleeping at a coworkers spot a month or so ago and I wanted to update everyone here because you were all kind enough to share your help with me.

It's not a good update and I am at a loss. As we speak, she is in counseling, has been going for a month because especially for the last 40 or so days, things have been bad between us. She has not been open with me, not sharing with me and being very closed off.

She's cheating and this is what happens during an affair. You've been relegated to nothing

I couldn't figure out what the catalyst was and long story short she is in love with her boss. After a week of little to no talking she came back from a work trip and said we would have an honest talk that she has been terrified to have with me because of what it could mean for our relationship.

If they work and travel together it's probably a physical affair. She's not going to tell you all that's going on

She said she doesn't know if it's love or not but that they are really strong physical and emotional feelings and that it made her feel so guilty that she couldn't talk to me and became withdrawn.

She's setting the tone for what's coming. She's preparing to dump you for him.

As a note, her role causes her to travel with him and spend a lot of one on one time and they became close, like really close and I want to throw up and an am in shock to be honest. Her old job she used to have so much free time but because of the demanding nature she was forced to spend and still is forced to spend nearly all day with him.

And she's loving every minute of it. No one can be forced to do anything. Being in denial isn't helping you at all.

To her credit, if you want to call it that, her therapist told her not to tell me she fell for her boss because of how painful it would be for me to hear and I think she was right because I can't process it.

No, you are paralyzed with fear and are doing nothing about it.

The worst part was hearing her say that she thinks I deserve better and that she has thought what life looks like without me. I had a panic attack and still do when she talks like that and because of that I tried to rationalize it even to the point where I was going to let her sleep with him because I thought she can't ever leave me if I let her have sex or whatever it is.

Do you really devalue yourself that much?

This is a totally different story now than the original but it's just so awful. She says has wanted him to make a move but he hasn't so at this point it doesn't even matter. I am just lost. She's my best friend since 16, she knows my so well and it's like osmosis where we just know eachother in and out.

Cheaters lie a lot and you're only getting the "tip of the iceberg".

I can't process the thought of being without her. It makes me actually sick and incapable of work and I am not strong enough to leave her and I don't know what to do. I just want her to love me like I love her. I don't know what to tell her outside of "but how can you not love me, it's me?"

You are projecting your feelings onto her but that not what she's feeling for you. I wouldn't worry too much about her leaving you because she already has. You are in denial and don't want toned the truth.

My head is so over the place. I am just lost.
I'll make a new thread as well but thanks in advance guys. I already know what the answers should be but I can't process it. I love her so much and don't understand how I don't mean the same to her. I don't want it to be over but she used the words love about another man. I am going to be sick
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Weakness is unnattractive. Strength is not. You are letting your weakness define you and as a result her other man looks even better compared to you.

You've put yourself in a no win situation. You are living in infidelity by your own choice.

You've taken zero action and will continue to get played and walked on until you do.

You'd better wake up.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:59 PM   #23
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b2121, are you seeing a therapist?

Can't help but wonder why you see the relationship like this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by b2121 View Post
She's my best friend since 16, she knows me so well and it's like osmosis where we just know each other in and out.
And she sees it like this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by b2121 View Post
She tried making it like her boss wasn't the issue, but that we had issues and xyz who gives a ****.
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Old 28th February 2018, 11:13 PM   #24
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b2121

Get some counseling yourself.

Donít get a panzyass counselor either, find someone that will tell you how it really is.
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Old 1st March 2018, 5:49 AM   #25
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I just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through.

I know you guys mean well but saying stuff like "hand back your man card" isn't necessary.

All of us male and female are capable of feeling hurt and devastation on hearing something like this. It doesn't make him leas of a man because he hasn't immediately filed for divorce.

B21...I know you're in a state of shock, but it does look like your wife has checked out of the marriage a while ago.

She always keeps you on the backfoot and it sounds like she thinks you should be grateful to have her. This isn't an equal relationship at all.

You clearly love her and adore her to even think about letting her sleep with another man.

That's a one sided open marriage. ..unless you're proposing an open marriage on both sides. ..don't do it. Im not getting the impression this would be something you want.

I can tell you she'll have absolutely no respect for you if you do that. She'll turn you into a cuckold and have you helping her get ready for dates if you aren't careful.

Nobody is irreplaceable. If she doesn't love and value you...you'll find someone else who does.

I think good men are harder to come by than good women.

Don't be gripped by fear.

"Don't cry because of her. Cry because of who you thought she was"

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Old 1st March 2018, 6:15 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
I just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through.

I know you guys mean well but saying stuff like "hand back your man card" isn't necessary.

All of us male and female are capable of feeling hurt and devastation on hearing something like this. It doesn't make him leas of a man because he hasn't immediately filed for divorce.

B21...I know you're in a state of shock, but it does look like your wife has checked out of the marriage a while ago.

She always keeps you on the backfoot and it sounds like she thinks you should be grateful to have her. This isn't an equal relationship at all.

You clearly love her and adore her to even think about letting her sleep with another man.

That's a one sided open marriage. ..unless you're proposing an open marriage on both sides. ..don't do it. Im not getting the impression this would be something you want.

I can tell you she'll have absolutely no respect for you if you do that. She'll turn you into a cuckold and have you helping her get ready for dates if you aren't careful.

Nobody is irreplaceable. If she doesn't love and value you...you'll find someone else who does.

I think good men are harder to come by than good women.

Don't be gripped by fear.

"Don't cry because of her. Cry because of who you thought she was"

For me the hardest thing about this website is watching a BS struggle with acceptance. I think that having been down that road, it's clear to us that the quicker you start looking out for yourself the better off you will be, plus minimizing your pain.

Maybe the language is strong but the message is 100% correct. OP needs to make moves to remove himself from infidelity ASAP. Either she will jump on the train or be left at the station. But he can't wait at the station with her.
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Old 1st March 2018, 7:15 AM   #27
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Imaginary wife, imaginary relationship

You live in an imaginary world in which your wife loves you, married to you, and you are both a normal regular couple. This is the world you find it very hard to let go, and you afraid to lose all these.

But in the real world, you just don't have any of these. It's not a real relationship, not a real marriage, and your wife doesn't love you. You already lost. This reality should help you in your way to a better life in which you can be really happy. Happiness is something you cannot hope with you current marriage.

The boss is no the problem, and your wife is not the problem. It happens when a woman fall in love with a man (her boss). It doesn't mean she's bad. It just means that you understand that your imaginary world doesn't work for you anymore. Belive me, living in a real world is much more satisfactory
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Old 1st March 2018, 7:19 AM   #28
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Sandy, as much as I respect...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
I just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through.

I know you guys mean well but saying stuff like "hand back your man card" isn't necessary.

All of us male and female are capable of feeling hurt and devastation on hearing something like this. It doesn't make him leas of a man because he hasn't immediately filed for divorce.

B21...I know you're in a state of shock, but it does look like your wife has checked out of the marriage a while ago.

She always keeps you on the backfoot and it sounds like she thinks you should be grateful to have her. This isn't an equal relationship at all.

You clearly love her and adore her to even think about letting her sleep with another man.

That's a one sided open marriage. ..unless you're proposing an open marriage on both sides. ..don't do it. Im not getting the impression this would be something you want.

I can tell you she'll have absolutely no respect for you if you do that. She'll turn you into a cuckold and have you helping her get ready for dates if you aren't careful.

Nobody is irreplaceable. If she doesn't love and value you...you'll find someone else who does.

I think good men are harder to come by than good women.

Don't be gripped by fear.

"Don't cry because of her. Cry because of who you thought she was"
Sandy, as much as I respect... your opinions and almost everything that you write, I could not disagree more.

In fact, even though you disagree with my wording, I think your post and choice of wording actually prove my point.

I believe that the wholesale emasculation of the male population in western countries is responsible for behavior like the OP's in this post.

Further I think that men and women, have no understanding of boundaries or actual self respect.

OP, in this case, has put his head in the sand for some time, when it was obvious that she was and has been cheating on him for some time.

Why is that?

Also, I am starting to think that when someone is caught cheating that the only course of action is divorce. I am not sure that either gender can maintain their self-respect and allow themselves to remain with the cheater.

There have been very few examples of an actual, apparently healthy, reconciliation. DTK is one of the few examples of this and a few others.

And DTK, decided on divorce eventually as his course of action. It was his wife and her post affair behavior that allow them to come back together.

In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...
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Old 1st March 2018, 7:24 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Sandy, as much as I respect... your opinions and almost everything that you write, I could not disagree more.

In fact, even though you disagree with my wording, I think your post and choice of wording actually prove my point.

I believe that the wholesale emasculation of the male population in western countries is responsible for behavior like the OP's in this post.

Further I think that men and women, have no understanding of boundaries or actual self respect.

OP, in this case, has put his head in the sand for some time, when it was obvious that she was and has been cheating on him for some time.

Why is that?

Also, I am starting to think that when someone is caught cheating that the only course of action is divorce. I am not sure that either gender can maintain their self-respect and allow themselves to remain with the cheater.

There have been very few examples of an actual, apparently healthy, reconciliation. DTK is one of the few examples of this and a few others.

And DTK, decided on divorce eventually as his course of action. It was his wife and her post affair behavior that allow them to come back together.

In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...
You have said it all Bluepowers.
If as stated before, his wife is the same girl he was with in 2012 from old posts.
She has found the perfect guy to manipulate and use for her own interests.

I feel very sorry for you B, and hope you can find the strenght to get your **** together and fight.

Don't forget that :
You only have ONE human experience as yourself. Try to make it the best out of it even if you don't end up reaching your biggest goals.

RESPECT !
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:13 AM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...
Because it's not about being a MAN. It's about being a STRONG PERSON with self-respect.

A woman allowing her spouse to walk all over her is just as much in need of help. And there are plenty of women who make exactly the same mistake, knowing that their husband is sleeping around and choosing to try and ignore it.

What are you going to tell them, 'hand in your woman card'? I'll bet you look at that and think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Perhaps you should ponder why that is.

Using this sort of language gives the (unintended, I hope) impression that you think it's okay for people who are NOT men to be treated like that.
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