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Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it


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Old 28th February 2018, 4:19 PM   #1
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Unhappy Update to my last thread about wife staying over- She's in love, Im lost

So for those that want to check my history, i had posted about my wife sleeping at a coworkers spot a month or so ago and I wanted to update everyone here because you were all kind enough to share your help with me.

It's not a good update and I am at a loss. As we speak, she is in counseling, has been going for a month because especially for the last 40 or so days, things have been bad between us. She has not been open with me, not sharing with me and being very closed off.

I couldn't figure out what the catalyst was and long story short she is in love with her boss. After a week of little to no talking she came back from a work trip and said we would have an honest talk that she has been terrified to have with me because of what it could mean for our relationship.

She said she doesn't know if it's love or not but that they are really strong physical and emotional feelings and that it made her feel so guilty that she couldn't talk to me and became withdrawn.

As a note, her role causes her to travel with him and spend a lot of one on one time and they became close, like really close and I want to throw up and an am in shock to be honest. Her old job she used to have so much free time but because of the demanding nature she was forced to spend and still is forced to spend nearly all day with him.

To her credit, if you want to call it that, her therapist told her not to tell me she fell for her boss because of how painful it would be for me to hear and I think she was right because I can't process it.

The worst part was hearing her say that she thinks I deserve better and that she has thought what life looks like without me. I had a panic attack and still do when she talks like that and because of that I tried to rationalize it even to the point where I was going to let her sleep with him because I thought she can't ever leave me if I let her have sex or whatever it is.

This is a totally different story now than the original but it's just so awful. She says has wanted him to make a move but he hasn't so at this point it doesn't even matter. I am just lost. She's my best friend since 16, she knows my so well and it's like osmosis where we just know eachother in and out.

I can't process the thought of being without her. It makes me actually sick and incapable of work and I am not strong enough to leave her and I don't know what to do. I just want her to love me like I love her. I don't know what to tell her outside of "but how can you not love me, it's me?"

My head is so over the place. I am just lost.
I'll make a new thread as well but thanks in advance guys. I already know what the answers should be but I can't process it. I love her so much and don't understand how I don't mean the same to her. I don't want it to be over but she used the words love about another man. I am going to be sick
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Old 28th February 2018, 4:28 PM   #2
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Unhappy Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it

So for those that want to check my history, i had posted about my wife sleeping at a coworkers spot a month or so ago and I wanted to update everyone here because you were all kind enough to share your help with me.

It's not a good update and I am at a loss. As we speak, she is in counseling, has been going for a month because especially for the last 40 or so days, things have been bad between us. She has not been open with me, not sharing with me and being very closed off.

I couldn't figure out what the catalyst was and long story short she is in love with her boss. After a week of little to no talking she came back from a work trip and said we would have an honest talk that she has been terrified to have with me because of what it could mean for our relationship.

She said she doesn't know if it's love or not but that they are really strong physical and emotional feelings and that it made her feel so guilty that she couldn't talk to me and became withdrawn.

As a note, her role causes her to travel with him and spend a lot of one on one time and they became close, like really close and I want to throw up and an am in shock to be honest. Her old job she used to have so much free time but because of the demanding nature she was forced to spend and still is forced to spend nearly all day with him.

To her credit, if you want to call it that, her therapist told her not to tell me she fell for her boss because of how painful it would be for me to hear and I think she was right because I can't process it.

The worst part was hearing her say that she thinks I deserve better and that she has thought what life looks like without me. I had a panic attack and still do when she talks like that and because of that I tried to rationalize it even to the point where I was going to let her sleep with him because I thought she can't ever leave me if I let her have sex or whatever it is.

This is a totally different story now than the original but it's just so awful. She says has wanted him to make a move but he hasn't so at this point it doesn't even matter. I am just lost. She's my best friend since 16, she knows my so well and it's like osmosis where we just know eachother in and out.

I can't process the thought of being without her. It makes me actually sick and incapable of work and I am not strong enough to leave her and I don't know what to do. I just want her to love me like I love her. I don't know what to tell her outside of "but how can you not love me, it's me?"

My head is so over the place. I am just lost.
I'll make a new thread as well but thanks in advance guys. I already know what the answers should be but I can't process it. I love her so much and don't understand how I don't mean the same to her. I don't want it to be over but she used the words love about another man. I am going to be sick
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:02 PM   #3
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Process her divorce

Process her divorce papers and let's see how she processes her relationship with you.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:06 PM   #4
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My condolescence, this isn't nice to hear even if she is giving you the whole truth. Which she might not be.

Here's the thing, your relationship is done. All you are doing from here on out is only hurting yourself further, giving yourself false hope and trying to find a way to fix something you can't. Get away from it now. This isn't about her anymore, not about the relationship, it's about you. Having her around with her own issues as a constant reminder is only further going to hurt you. You should do what's best for you now, including filing for divorce first. Because one the "guilt" she has wears off or things with her boss take off and she doesn't need you as fallback anymore she'll do it and then you wontl only have the pain to deal with but also being in the worse position and possibly losing almost everything.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:08 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Colin Grant View Post
Process her divorce papers and let's see how she processes her relationship with you.
Yep and as soon as possible. Given her prior behaviour, I don't believe she's giving OP the whole truth. The way she told him and the way she acted about it portrays her in as positive a light as possible and keeps him on the backburner while she works out where she can and wants to go from here on out.

He needs to think about himself, how he can get out of this situation and do so without losing almost everything.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:11 PM   #6
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I find it hard to believe that she isn't already having sex with him.

You should get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it yourself and have her read it. There is a lot in there about workplace affairs.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:28 PM   #7
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Continuation of my previous post

couldn't post edit for some reason......


Process her divorce papers and let's see how she processes her relationship with you. If you chase and plead, you will enable and extend her affair, as she will know she has you firm and in her back pocket as an "safety" option. The key is removing yourself as an option (to expose a vulnerability of being without you) and force her to choose on your time frame, not hers. Hers could be months or years, seriously. Niceing and pleading will make her disrespect you and force you to question your own self-respect and dignity. Conversely, if you take control over your life you will come out on top. Allowing her to play you in the "pick me" game will render you into a hapless being.

Being in control means removing yourself from HER infidelity. You remove yourself by telling her to remove herself from your home and not communicating with her, not by text, phone or otherwise. She will either miss or not miss you. She has to SEE STRENGTH and a resolve in you. Taking full control can be done having her served divorce papers immediately. You can always reverse the process, but having her served will allow her to see IMMEDIATELY what her life will be like without you. It's unlikely she's thought this through seriously, as limerence has a way of blocking that out. She's in a fantasy cloud and you have to remove her from that cloud and into reality asap. It won't miraculously go away. You will have to do some hard things to turn her back to you. Then she has to do the heavy lifting to regain your love and respect.

This takes courage and being fearless with what the future holds for you. It will be scary and uncomfortable, but it will be for her also, which is why it's effective. Fearless, decisive and in control will allow you to win. It's not about her, it's about what YOU do that will remedy this. Not the therapist, not her parents, not her..........you.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:36 PM   #8
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No back ground info. You should ask the mods to merge these
two threads.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:38 PM   #9
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re

Thanks. I know you are right. It's just crazy to think this is happening. I just spoke with her on the phone after her counseling session and I freaked out on her. She tried making it like her boss wasn't the issue, but that we had issues and xyz who gives a ****. She's a child who can't own what she did.

I will make roo the ****ing day.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:54 PM   #10
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The boss isn't the issue, she is, you have a wife that is actively searching for your replacement. Get rid of her, there is no relationship because you need two people in it to be able to call it a relationship. She lies to you, she supposedly only sleeps at male coworkers places when she doesn't come home. Now she disrespects you with some bullsh*t that she is in love with her boss and wants to be physical with him. Just how much are you willing to take before you get your a$$ out of there? What is so special about a liar that cheats on you and causes this much drama in your life? Being alone with a dog to come home to is a hell of a lot better then what you have going on in your life right now. Let her date her boss but first fire her a$$ as your wife. You have absolutely nothing to gain by staying in a relationship with someone this F***ed up, seriously, what's really going on that makes you think this is the best you can do? Talk to a lawyer tomorrow.
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:07 PM   #11
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b2121,

Iím sorry for what youíre going through right now. You are probably experiencing some form of PTSD right now, which can be absolutely debilitating. You will lose your appetite, your thoughts will be out of control, you wonít be able to sleep, and you will essentially be existing in a state of shock for a few weeks.

That sense of loss you are experiencing is overwhelming. Itís like your entire worldview has just been shattered. You will feel an overwhelming urge to ďfixĒ things with your wife as soon as possible and get back to normal.

If you had the ability to just take a three week vacation right now to a remote island and cut off all contact with your wife and the world, thatís what I would recommend doing. Members here have a lot of good advice regarding the steps to take when first learning of an affair. The advice is absolutely spot on. The problem, however, is that in the majority of cases, the betrayed men simply do not have the ability to follow through on this advice. Because of their weakened, emotional state where they are not thinking normally, they make bad mistakes even when advised otherwise. Thatís why I think if possible a man should simply take a time out for a while to avoid doing anything stupid and give their mind a chance to get out of the shocked state.
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:09 PM   #12
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I feel all of that to a T
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:36 PM   #13
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I recall one of the worst things about the whole ordeal was that the one person I would normally talk to and confide in to help me get through a tragedy is the person that betrayed me. Is there anyone (in real life) that you can talk to about this?
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:45 PM   #14
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Well you were told what was going on...

Well you were told what was going on... when you posted last time.

You, (and I don't even have to look back at your old thread) were told that your wife was having an affair.

You were told then, and what did you do? Bury your head in the sand.

Has she admitted to sleeping with him yet?

Because since she started the new job she has been screwing her boss.

You were told to investigate what was going on, because we knew she was sleeping with him.

So just like most other men that act like you have been acting, you need to go ahead and turn in your man card, because you do not deserve to keep it.

If you want to earn your man card back you need to do the following things:

1) Grow a pair of balls.

2) File for divorce as soon as you can get to a lawyers office, today if possible.

3) Ask her to leave the house.

4) Put every dime that you have in a separate account that only you have access to.

5) Do not talk to her (AT FU***** all) until the divorce is final.

6) If her boss is married, you need to contact his wife and tell her that her husband is having an affair with your wife.

Now, do you understand why we told you what we told you the last time.

Come on, please have some self-respect and divorce her now....
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:49 PM   #15
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OP, I did check your past threads. I hate to say this, but I'd be remiss in NOT saying this: This sort of dynamic--your wife (girlfriend) being into another man--actually has been in your relationship all along it looks like.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...ure-what-think

(ETA: Or at least, I am guessing it is the same woman. This thread I quoted is from 2012.)

I realize that the calls to kick her to the curb are much easier said than done. But any time you try romanticizing what you and your wife have had: This woman and your marriage to her doesn't sound all that great to me. Staying to a woman who has always made you sleep with one eye open doesn't sound like much of a way to live, brother.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 28th February 2018 at 6:55 PM..
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