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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th March 2018, 7:39 PM   #61
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I don’t have anyone I trust enough to talk to about it. He sent me flowers today, and keeps pushing telling our older boys. It really makes me mad. He says our oldest keeps asking if something happened...

Today, We go news that our oldest is getting an award for his dedication to his team from the school, so that made me feel a little bit better.
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Old 6th March 2018, 7:33 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
I don’t have anyone I trust enough to talk to about it. He sent me flowers today, and keeps pushing telling our older boys. It really makes me mad. He says our oldest keeps asking if something happened...

Today, We go news that our oldest is getting an award for his dedication to his team from the school, so that made me feel a little bit better.
That's good news about you son.

Keep taking it one day at a time. There are so many things to live for,aside of your marriage. Tell your husband you need time to sort through all of this, and that you need to be the one who drives the process.
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Old 6th March 2018, 10:04 AM   #63
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Omg, do NOT tell your children! What kind of jerk are you married to? That is so wrong.

Please go see an individual counselor. For the sake of your children. They need a momma.
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Old 6th March 2018, 11:01 AM   #64
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Omg, do NOT tell your children! What kind of jerk are you married to? That is so wrong.

Please go see an individual counselor. For the sake of your children. They need a momma.
Alot of people here would argue telling the children is needed. It's up for debate really. Sometimes kids deserve to know why thier family is falling apart. It sound like her youngest is already a teen so it's not like they are small children.
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Old 6th March 2018, 1:57 PM   #65
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While your husband is completely in the wrong and you did nothing to cause this, would it be so bad to get counseling for yourself? You have expressed a desire to die and present yourself as very depressed. He dropped a bomb on you very unfairly. Shouldn’t you give yourself every opportunity to heal? This in no way absolves him of any guilt or wrongdoing, but I really feel like you could use some support in real life. A counselor is also required to keep anything you say confidential which ensures your privacy. Tell your husband that you guys need to hold off on any decisions until you are ready to make those decisions.
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Old 6th March 2018, 2:03 PM   #66
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While your husband is completely in the wrong and you did nothing to cause this, would it be so bad to get counseling for yourself? You have expressed a desire to die and present yourself as very depressed. He dropped a bomb on you very unfairly. Shouldn’t you give yourself every opportunity to heal? This in no way absolves him of any guilt or wrongdoing, but I really feel like you could use some support in real life. A counselor is also required to keep anything you say confidential which ensures your privacy. Tell your husband that you guys need to hold off on any decisions until you are ready to make those decisions.
Yeah, I agree with this. There's no reason that you can't and shouldn't get individual counseling now. It doesn't mean that couples counseling isn't also necessary.
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Old 6th March 2018, 7:16 PM   #67
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Your boys are your world. You have to get through this for them.

A close friend's father committed suicide over 40 years ago. It negatively affects every relationship she's ever had and it is still on her mind every single day, wondering why she wasn't enough for him to stick around. Focus on your love for your sons and do what you need to get better for them. Your husband has destroyed your world and has made you question why you're not enough. Don't destroy your sons' worlds and make them wonder the same thing.

Until you're able to do it for yourself, do it for them.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:47 AM   #68
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What exactly is you contemplating taking your life going to accomplish ?
It may be do either one of the 2 things below
Your husband is over ridden with guilt and follows you ..leaving all your children without parents
Or
He is over ridden with guilt tells your children the actions that led to it ...and your boys all 4 of them are never the same again the 3 boys will never forgive their father and the whole family breaks down

And this one event dictates the rest of their lives they will never believe they are good enough because their own mother did not think they were as she did not think they were worth your life

So where your big girls panties on and deal with it like you would deal with a traumatising event in your life like a healthy adult .we handed in our selfish card when we became mother's ...his affair was unfair you wanting to take your life for it is even more unfair and worst because their are young children involved

I have been where you are at now... 6 years ago dh had a affair with a bar dancer ,embarrassing would be too light a word , I felt humiliated but I did not think it was because something was lacking in me
Or it was my fault .these were his short comings ,his actions that I did not have any control over .

You are grieving hopefully soon anger will set in where you will place the blame exactly where it belongs .there is no need for you to be a matyr

You need to figure out and reevaluate your marriage ...are you able to stay in this marriage knowing what he has done what he is capable of
.he is showing remorse .showing he wants to be better are you afraid you may not like him anymore now that he is knocked of the pedestal you put him on .figure it out and then take steps in direction you believe will be best for you .....wanting to take your life is not the answer that's just another selfish coward act .
This is just a start the road gets very bumpy and reconciliation is tough 6 years later I still have dark moments but I am able to handle them better

Draw a circle on a plain paper .that's your whole life ..then draw a dot in the circle that's your husband affair .you can focus on the dot till it becomes bigger and bigger and takes over your whole life or you focus on your whole life and leave the dot as it is .

Your choice .your family .you decide if you are going to break them further or you are going to hold it together for your children .
I promise you this ...it gets better but before it gets better it gets a lot worse ...I am 6 years in reconciliation the marriage as we knew it is over .where we are currently is better than what we had .

And like a responsible adult tell your husband what you are contemplating .
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:11 AM   #69
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I’m no expert in this area. However, I did do some homework when a good friend talked about wanting to give up some years back (in my friend’s case, though, it turned out she was acting out like some entitled kid trying to get more attention). My understanding is that when someone truly has suicidal thoughts, she feels extremely depressed and isolated; she doesn’t think rationally. According to the experts, it’s no use telling her how selfish, weak, and cowardly her action is; the same goes for telling her there are plenty of others in a much worse situation. Instead, it’s much more effective to tell her that she is loved; it’s also important for her to feel connected by others. I think her posting on here is a good first step, but she needs to be convinced to see a qualified therapist and talk to those (close relatives or close friends) she trusts.

Last edited by JuneL; 8th March 2018 at 9:13 AM..
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Old 12th March 2018, 4:38 PM   #70
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Devistated, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I know, from personal experience, that in the darkest of times that it feels impossible to see an end to your pain, and suicide seems like the only way for the pain to stop. It isn't.

Your husband cheated on you. It sucks! He did one of the most heartless and selfish things a spouse can do to their partner, and right now you are consumed with pain; understandably so. You blame yourself for something that is not your fault. His infidelity is not a reflection of you being a bad wife, or mother. No, it shows how weak and selfish he is. Don't let his weakness, and his failure, push you into a decision that you cannot take back.

Your husband has broken your heart, and has taken so much away from you already. Don't let him take your life, by your own hand, as well. He isn't worth it! Keep reminding yourself what a wonderful, and loving mother you have been. Look at your children, if you need proof! They still need you, and you need them.

You may not believe it, but the pain will stop consuming your every thought. It won't happen overnight, and it won't be easy, but it will fade over time, until it is nothing more than a memory. The first step in mending a broken heart is to reach out for help. You have done that by posting here. You have been given a lot of good advice, and support from people who care, and many who have been in a similar situation as yours. The next step is to decide not to let your broken heart destroy you. Seek out a therapist, support group, keep posting on LS for moral support. Whatever it takes to help remind you that you can get past this. As each day passes, you are that much closer to a mended heart,

You have the potential for a happy, and love-filled future, even if you don't believe it right now. You have so much to live for still. One of the most rewarding things about being a parent is when your children have grown into happy, and successful adults. When they start a family of their own, they will look to you for guidance. Your reward will be holding your grandchild, seeing their sweet smile, and hearing their infectious laughter.

Be kind to yourself. Take each day, moment by moment, and step by step. Most of all, allow people to help you heal as you move forwards toward your future.
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Old 12th March 2018, 6:16 PM   #71
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Devistated,

Thinking of you. Have you gone to see a counselor yet? Hoping you have someone all your own to talk to. Someone with whom you can unburden yourself and get insights on how to heal.

One thing to note, while it’s too soon to think about forgiving your husband, I do think you also need to know that there is life after infidelity and someone who has capacity to love may experience dark times, but he or she always experiences the warm sunshine of love again. Maybe you and your husband will choose to reconcile, maybe you will divorce and find a new love or maybe you will be single but have a self-love the emanates brighter than any couple’s love.

My mom experienced my Dad’s infidelity and on paper we were the perfect family. After years of absolute hell, somehow my mom and dad reconciled. They lived out the remainder of his life together and he truly made it up to her. But you know what? After my dad’s death, we all worried about how Mom would handle being single. I was convinced that the only reason she didn’t divorce was because she didn’t want to be single. Instead, she has absolutely shined as a widow. It took her some time, but she now has a close group of friends, she’s very involved in her grandkids’ and kids’ lives and she is literally loving life. My sister actually asked her about it one day. Her response? My dad couldn’t handle divorce so she stuck it out. Eventually, he woke up and realized not just what a jerk he had been but how amazingly selfless she was to stick with him. That, she said, made their last year’s together pretty amazing. When he was able to love her unconditionally like that, she grew to love him back in a new and different way. She thoroughly enjoyed their final years and now she has peace and the time for her to enjoy being on her own.

My mom is my inspiration in life. I tell her story to help her be yours. Please be kind to yourself and your boys. Hugs!
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Old 17th March 2018, 4:18 AM   #72
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Absolutely none! If you let this be o.k if you let him get away with it without him having to win you back he will not respect what he has.

I say start drawing up divorce papers ( you don't have to pull the trigger just scare him at least.) Do the 180. Work on yourself. Don't break weep and cry. Don't cling. Let him do the begging. Go get a tan. Go jogging. Spend time with your kids or friends.

When he comes to beg don't let him skate with answers like because I was bored. Dig into him. Ask him the questions that will make him uncomfortable. Grill him. Raid his email and texts. If he doesn't like it....... to ****ing bad.... divorce. He has to work with YOU and your rules. The only time reconciliation seems to work on these forums is when the WS does the heavy lifting.

Keep a voice recorder on you if he starts saying or doing crazy or mean things. Catch his trickle truth and punish accordingly. He has to tell you the truth. If you have to drag every tiny little bit of the truth out of him with new evidence every time it means he thinks he can skate. You have to be willing to throw the marraige away for real and he has to be afraid of that.

Don't use your kids as weapons against him but they should know. Tell his parents or siblings and your family. The big reveal can do alot to kill any afair in its tracks. Exposure is key as alot of people on these forums say.

Keep your head up and don't let this break you. It's not you. You didn't fail anyone. You where a good mother and a loyal wife. Many men would kill for that. This is on your husband. HE is the one who messed up. He is the one who acted like a frat bro. He is the one who thinks ****ing a twenty year old is cool. your husband is going to have to grow and change and it will have to be more then just words.

And in the end you will have to decide if you want him back. You don't really NEED him. I'm sure alimony would take care of you. This will be a journey and only if HIM AND YOU truly want it can you reconcile. Even then it will take years. There will be days years from now that you think about him and wonder. Can you live with that?

I would also recomend an individual councilor and possibly mc but only if he shows he wants to put the work in. He has to prove he is changing. That he can be trusted again. Not now but slowly one day maybe. And you have to come to understand weather you want to continue this marraige. It will be hard. Some days you will want to forget everything and some days you will want to run and others you will hate him. You will blame yourself , him , you name it. Your emotions will be all over the board.

Just remember this is not your fualt! Even if there where fualts of your own in the marriage that should have been worked on that doesn't give him the right to cheat. Depending on the kind of person you are your path may be very different to others. Just don't let yourself be fooled and taken for a ride again. Call him on his bull****! Even if you end up losing this marraige do it with poise and dignity.


Edit

Also listen to the people on this board. Alot of them have come here like you at one point or another. This is a great board. Somtimes people will say things you don't want to hear but a lot of the time those answers help the most. There are a ton of good people her from all walks of life. Use thier knowledge and experience but don't expect one magical answer that will set everything straight.
Doing the 180 only makes him get better at hiding future affairs. He'll do what he needs to in order to save the marriage and continue to carry on the affair or start a new affair once he feels he's won you back. I know this because I was involved with a MM and his wife did draw up divorce papers and he did win her back. However he is having an affair again. He has also been back in contact with me. I have no desire to be involved with him but am learning from him the method he used to win his wife back (she thinks he's completely devoted to her again and it's all lies). This guy wasn't the type to cheat but now that he started, the saying once a cheater, always a cheater is 100% correct. You just need to decide if you can accept that from here on out, he will at some point cheat on you again. Just might be a couple years down the road or he might still be cheating but you'll never find out again. They get better at hiding it. I wish this wasn't how it goes but usually this is what is happening. The wife fully believes she has searched every possible inch of ways he might still be having an affair and when he seemingly comes out clean, she believes he's changed and really is being true to her but that's usually not what is really going on. A leopard doesn't change his spots.
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Old 17th March 2018, 4:37 AM   #73
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Sorry but your taking his affair way to personally. It absolutely wasn't you that causes him to be a cheater. He's not worth being suicidal over. Why would you give him that power. You sound like a very kind and loving individual. You deserve someone much better than him. He might have been your knight and shining armor for the past 20 years but you need to realize he's changed. He will never be the faithful husband he once was. There was nothing you have done to cause this. There are studies that have been conducted that show physical traits are actual a common cause of why some mean cheat and others don't. It's nothing you did. He probably carries the gene that makes him more susceptible to being a cheater.
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Old 17th March 2018, 5:39 PM   #74
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Sorry but your taking his affair way to personally. It absolutely wasn't you that causes him to be a cheater. He's not worth being suicidal over. Why would you give him that power. You sound like a very kind and loving individual. You deserve someone much better than him. He might have been your knight and shining armor for the past 20 years but you need to realize he's changed. He will never be the faithful husband he once was. There was nothing you have done to cause this. There are studies that have been conducted that show physical traits are actual a common cause of why some mean cheat and others don't. It's nothing you did. He probably carries the gene that makes him more susceptible to being a cheater.
Sorry, but in my opinion, this is bunk.

People are responsible for their choices. the op's spouse made the choices he did. Whether or not he feels true remorse and will never do it again, or whether he is just trying to cover his rear, is, right now, known to him alone.

OP, right now, just worry about you and you children. Do what you need to do to feel better and like you have some control over your situation. this is why so many who have been in a bs's shoes recommend speaking to a lawyer. It doesn't automatically mean divorce, but it does mean that the bs will have knowledge to make better decisions.

Abut the 180...it is not meant as a tool to win back a cheating spouse. It's meant to be a tool for the bs to gain some sense of control and balance over their life. If the ws wants to come along for the ride, and the bs is willing, great. If not, it should still be implemented.
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