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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd March 2018, 5:49 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
Iím still here, but I donít know for how much longer. Iím trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and Iím so sad.

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I donít want to hear it. I canít. I canít handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasnít.

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. Heís a funny guy.
It doesn't sound like your husband needs to be doing what YOU need him to be doing at all .
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Old 2nd March 2018, 5:56 PM   #47
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Listen...

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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
Iím still here, but I donít know for how much longer. Iím trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and Iím so sad.

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I donít want to hear it. I canít. I canít handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasnít.

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. Heís a funny guy.
Listen... if it is this bad, then you need to get yourself to the hospital.

If you are still thinking about hurting yourself, then you need to be under a doctors care.

Please do this for your kids if not your self...
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Old 2nd March 2018, 6:26 PM   #48
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Listen... if it is this bad, then you need to get yourself to the hospital.

If you are still thinking about hurting yourself, then you need to be under a doctors care.

Please do this for your kids if not your self...
I totally agree. Your feelings are valid, OP, but don't make a permanent decision for what is a temporary problem (even though you don't believe us now).
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Old 2nd March 2018, 6:52 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
Iím still here, but I donít know for how much longer. Iím trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and Iím so sad.

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I donít want to hear it. I canít. I canít handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasnít.

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. Heís a funny guy.
OP,
please call for professional help. don't be embarrassed or ashamed. you have been hit by something terrible, and there is no shame in reaching out for help. If you won't see a medical professional, reach out to your friends.

I know you might not believe me, but your true friends will understand and want to help. they won't judge you. I was in your shoes many years ago, too embarrassed to ask for help. My good friend called me, and finally got out what ws wrong. She and another good friend were over to pick me up a within a short time. It felt so good to be able to actually talk to someone, in person, about what had happened.

They convinced me to speak to a counselor on our base( an army padre, and I'm agnostic). He was really helpful and provided a lot of grounding. The same can happen for you with a doctor, counselor, clergyman/woman or even an in person phone help line.

Please, if you won't do this for yourself, do it for your kids. They need you.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 7:21 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
I’m still here, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and I’m so sad.

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasn’t.

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. He’s a funny guy.
Please don't talk like that. How would your boys feel without thier mother. I know your whole life seems like a joke right now. You need to talk to a councilor. Please. Take some time for yourself. DO NOT BE ALONE.

You need to scream at your husband. Tell him to back off because he is NOT making this better.

How could it be better if he found a new girl and you where gone??? So someone else gets to raise your kids? do you think she will care for your kids like you do? What will they learn from that? Stop thinking like this please please please! Your children will be damaged for life if you do this. There is still happiness to be had. You just can't see it right now.

Your at the weakest point of your life. You need to find the strength to reach out to someone.

Shame can be the worst emotion to deal with. I'm dealing with truck loads of shame myself. You need to power through. You need help as well.

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Old 2nd March 2018, 8:21 PM   #51
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I needed to log on and reach out to you. Im telling you, there are SO many parallels to our stories. I had space from him for three months after D-day and it allowed me to get some space. Now i was insanely devistated in that time. I lost 30lbs in about two months.

Im not promoting it but the hunger that I had hurt and it was nice in a mentally unstable way to feel pain. I think in retrospect it would have been better to do 100 squats, or run 2-3 miles on a tread mill.

endorphins do make you happy... Just a little hint that maybe you need to channel some of this in the gym. So hard when you dont even want to get out of bed. I made the choice to stay in bed, recluse style for nearly three months and starve myself. After a bit the crippling heart break lessened and I ate again and gained back 40! so... ten lbs heavier.

Work on you, think of this as emotional Triage. Get water, drink, drink drink! Get a bit of protein and punch something, work up a sweat. do that for THREE DAYS in a row and evaluate if you feel even 5% better.

Keep us updated. im worried about you, because i have been there. I made a lot of mistakes while I was where you are. But i am still here so I must have done something right. I am 3 years from D-day. i am happy again. I have wonderful kids that love me too, though i also thought they would be better off without me.

I have not lost that weight I gained back but i do hit the gym at least 3 times a week. More often 6.... It helps me. I hope it can help you.
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Old 5th March 2018, 12:21 AM   #52
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He just keeps breaking my heart

He keeps wanting to talk about the affair. I donít at all. I canít. He also wants to tell our two older boys. I absolutely do not. I donít want my babies to know I wasnít good enough. He also suggested I go to counseling not us. Just me because ďheís worried about me ď

My oldest had been watching almost every move I make, and itís so uncomfortable.
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Old 5th March 2018, 12:57 AM   #53
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Hi Devastated, sorry to see you here. Do you have any of your own family folks nearby? Is there someone who can stay with you? If your husband's calls are bothering you then can you block him? I'm not sure that may be the right thing to do as you need a lifeline just in case you are feeling low and want to talk to him to get help. Are there helplines where you can talk to somebody when you are really feeling down? The best thing for you is to try and connect with friends or a church group as being around people will lift your spirits and help you feel better. Try and get out of the house for some fresh air. What about finances? How are you faring on that front? Apart from the fact that you have to make it for your kids they are also your best support and distraction in this period when everything seems gloomy. Why not take them out somewhere so that all of you can enjoy yourselves and help yourself feel better. Also do try and get into IC finances permitting, as it may be of benefit to you at this time. Warm wishes.
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:02 AM   #54
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Stop blaming yourself!!

The blame is only on your husband! He is selfish and self centered. He is broken and you don't need to forgive him! Tell him to stop it!

He's ruined everything that was good about your marriage - that is only on him. He's a douche bag. You don't even have to stay with him.

His affair is not a reflection on you - it's a reflection of how terrible and mean he is.

Be mad! Go see an attorney to see what he will have to pay you if you decide to leave him! Start becoming independent of him! Start becoming a strong woman who frankly doesn't need him at all.

Lay out some consequences so it hurts him... after all even kids know there are consequences for bad behavior!

Get strong and get moving forward for YOUR best interest!
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:11 AM   #55
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Also, expose his infidelity to all his family and yours.

Who knows how long it could have been happening? Why did he tell now? I do t trust him especially when he says it was because he was bored! It wasn't because he was bored - it's because he wanted an ego stroke and didn't stop to consider how this would affect his whole family!

HE is the one who's broken! And HE needs to figure out how to fix himself before you even consider taking him back.

Get tested for std's immediately.
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:33 AM   #56
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
He keeps wanting to talk about the affair. I donít at all. I canít. He also wants to tell our two older boys. I absolutely do not. I donít want my babies to know I wasnít good enough. He also suggested I go to counseling not us. Just me because ďheís worried about me ď

My oldest had been watching almost every move I make, and itís so uncomfortable.
Devistated, Tell your WS the truth about how you're feeling. Tell him point blank you're in too much pain right now as a result of what he did to talk about it yet. That right now it actually hurts to live. Tell him if he cares, he'll support and love you, and wait for those coversations.

If you want counseling with him, tell him to find an infidelity crisis counsellor that will do individual counselling for you individually in the first instance.

You really need someone to talk to right now to help you realise that you ARE enough. You always have been, always will be. You can't control others actions by 'being' anything. Their choices, your WS's choices, are not your responsibility or fault.

My father used to admonish me as a child if I expressed that I was bored. He said boredom is the manifestation of a lack of imagination and intellect in the individual concerned. That there is always entertainment and excitement - you just have to choose to find it.

That your WH was bored is a state of his own making. That he chose diversion with a young AP at a club is soooooo cliche as to cement his lack of imagination. NONE of that is your fault. His boredom was with himself and of his own making. His choice to alleviate it via a fling as opposed to use his brain, creativity, and COURAGE to speak to you about it... not your fault.

His actions are a reflection of him, NOT YOU!
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:54 AM   #57
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I donít want my babies to know I wasnít good enough.
Boys don't think this way about their mamas. What they will not like to see is you not "fighting" for yourself. You not standing up to the man who betrayed you.
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Old 5th March 2018, 9:36 AM   #58
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Your kids will always want to think the best of both their parents.

My exH is an abysmal father and my boy found out he is cheating on his current girfriend with at least one other person (he'd borrowed his mobile phone to check football results and really wasn't expecting to tumble on compromising texts!).

He didn't even tell his father, he told me instead! It didn't cross his mind to think badly of his father's gf (he's not even keen on her) and he accepts his father for who he is, that is a man with a lot of weaknesses. My kids don't love him any less, though.

When I found out same exH was unfaithful to me, not one second did I think that's because I wasn't good enough. There were completely different sets of circumstances and I was on my way out regardless, but I always knew that was not on me. His moment of weakness is not on you either.

I have no doubt what you're going through is excruciatingly painful, but you need to try and put things in perspective : you can't base your own self-worth on one mistake from your husband.

These things happen all the time, to very decent people. You are both in emotional turmoil, understandably so, but you need to see this for what it is: a momentary lapse of judgement.

Take good care of yourself.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:42 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
He keeps wanting to talk about the affair. I donít at all. I canít. He also wants to tell our two older boys. I absolutely do not. I donít want my babies to know I wasnít good enough. He also suggested I go to counseling not us. Just me because ďheís worried about me ď

My oldest had been watching almost every move I make, and itís so uncomfortable.
What actions are you taking to help yourself move past your husbands affair?

As someone who lost a parent to suicide, I struggled for years to even move up the emotional ladder to just ok. Iím still struggling. Do you really want to do that to your babies? They can and will blame themselves if you do that. Itís truly one of the most selfish things a person can do.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:51 AM   #60
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OP: Your kids love you very much. Is there any way you can check in a treatment center (for those with suicidal thoughts) and stay away a little while? Talk to people you trust. Get them to visit you.
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