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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th February 2018, 11:52 AM   #16
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OP, please call the suicide hotline. NO PERSON is worth ending your life over. Think of your children. Please reach out for help in real life. It may feel like it right now, but the world is not ending.

Last edited by BTDT2012; 26th February 2018 at 11:54 AM..
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Old 26th February 2018, 12:37 PM   #17
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OP, please call the suicide hotline. NO PERSON is worth ending your life over. Think of your children. Please reach out for help in real life. It may feel like it right now, but the world is not ending.
OP,
this is so true. I understand how you feel, but life will get better. Don't give in to the darkness. No one is worth that.
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Old 26th February 2018, 12:40 PM   #18
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Because he was bored. Weíve always had great communication. When he wanted to try new things sexually, I was willing and encouraged stuff that he thought I wouldnít. I have always tried to keep an open and trusting dialogue in that area. In all areas of our life because I feel like I owe him that.
Sorry Devistated but that is an excuse, that is not the reason for his infidelity. What does a lame excuse like boredom say about the value he puts on your relationship? He cheated with someone the age of his kids, boredom is not good enough even as an excuse to risk everything for. You need to talk to a lawyer as someone has already recommended, you need to understand your rights, knowing your rights will help you both understand what is at risk if he doesn't work hard enough to prove to you that your marriage to him is worth saving. Does he work with her? If he does one of them has to go, they can not work together. Is she married, single or in a relationship? If the answer is yes her partner needs to be told, it's the right thing to do.

Take your time, don't be so eager to forgive. A second chance is earned so make him earn his way back into the marriage. If he won't do the work it's better you know now then a couple of years down the road. Be specific about what you require from him, set proper boundaries with consequences. Independent counselling for him is an absolute requirement, he needs to find out why he gave himself the approval to betray you and his family. Have him prepare a timeline of the affair, start to finish, finding new information later is like a new D Day with new pain. There can be no secrets left between him and his affair partner. He needs to tell you who else knows but didn't tell you, they are not friends of the marriage, get rid of any facilitators, false friends.

The good news is that he told you, you didn't find this out on your own. Your already ahead of most of us. Do not rug sweep his infidelity because by doing so you risk being in the same situation sometime in your near future. Make him do the hard work of gaining your trust back, your the prize and he needs to know that you have great value. Believe his actions not the words that come out of his mouth. Don't sell yourself cheaply, make him earn that second chance or it will mean nothing to him. Talk to a lawyer, that's a good place to start.
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Old 26th February 2018, 2:00 PM   #19
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I don't have any additional advice to give, other than many people on this board (including myself) have experienced infidelity and the devastating effects of it. It is a life changing event but you can and will get through it. Hang in there, post here, and please reach out for help if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts.
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Old 27th February 2018, 6:25 AM   #20
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The reason I didnít go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldnít be there until later, and I didnít want him to find me.

I donít want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because Iím embarrassed. The fact Iím not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.
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Old 27th February 2018, 7:40 AM   #21
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The reason I didnít go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldnít be there until later, and I didnít want him to find me.

I donít want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because Iím embarrassed. The fact Iím not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.
OP,
His cheating isn't about you. You could have fashion model looks, been a Martha Stewart level homemaker and had the sex techniques of a porn star, and he likely would still have cheated.

That's because he the perfect storm of his "boredom" ( a lame excuse indeed) and a woman who was willing to get into a relationship with a married man came together. It is not your fault. It's not about you. it's about something in your husband's mind that made cheating an acceptable option over coming to you, telling you how he was feeling and working with you to address the issue. He had that choice...he chose to do otherwise.

All of this being said, it's also just as likely he was perfectly happy with you when he met this other woman, and rather than listen to the voice in his head or his heart, he chose to listen to the one in his pants. However, he does have a conscience, and to square away that desire, he had to do some pretty agile mental gymnastics to rationalize his behavior. He had to make it your fault, something he couldn't control and something that he wasn't to blame for.

Lots of ws do this, but eventually, their conscience wins out, like what happened with your husband.

Please, find someone you feel safe with and talk through this with them. You need help.There is no shame in that at all, and there is definitely no reason for you to feel ashamed about yourself for what your husband chose to do.
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Old 27th February 2018, 8:17 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
The reason I didnít go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldnít be there until later, and I didnít want him to find me.

I donít want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because Iím embarrassed. The fact Iím not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.
There are many strategies to fight and kill an affair. Many of us here
know about that and will help you to do this if that is your desire.

I do not know how to tell you do not do it or anything that you can not
comeback from. Tell your parents, close to a sibling, favorite aunt, uncle,
a priest, go to the emergency room.

Wives and husbands that cheat are the broken ones to do such a
selfish act. They are the ones that are broken. You are in pain caused
by their short comings.

You will get through this and the pain will go away. It will go away in
time. So you what to do you want to do, divorce, recover the marriage?
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Old 27th February 2018, 9:52 AM   #23
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I got the impression the OP is embarrassed that their seemingly picture perfect marriage in peopleís eyes has been shattered. Please see a therapist for yourself first.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:01 AM   #24
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It's good news that he told you himself. Alot of people here wished thier SO would have told them. It shows he had guilt at least and probably some remorse. Just remember he COULD have kept the secret. He could have continued. It doesn't mean he's Scott free but it shows he understands he can't continue. That he does care for you.

Can you marriage be saved? Can your husband become a safe husband? Who knows. You will have to make that decision yourself.

But whatever happens please don't kill yourself. You have worth. He and your marraige are not the measure of your life. Your a good mother and om sure a good woman. This is not about you. You didn't fail anyone at all. If he starts saying you did then tell him to shove it. do not ever take responsibility for this.

Hold out hope girl. Maybe this will be the catalyst you marriage can use to be stronger? Hopeful at least it's the catalyst for you to become stronger. Try to be a little bit stronger every day. It doesn't have to be all at one times. Try taking care of yourself. Your still at the start of this.

Can I ask.... how is your husband acting since dday? Is he taking responsibility? Is he blame shifting? Did he go NC? Dies he work with this girl? He can't see her at all! If he has to find a new job too bad!
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:03 AM   #25
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It's good news that he told you himself. Alot of people here wished thier SO would have told them. It shows he had guilt at least and probably some remorse. Just remember he COULD have kept the secret. He could have continued. It doesn't mean he's Scott free but it shows he understands he can't continue. That he does care for you.

Can you marriage be saved? Can your husband become a safe husband? Who knows. You will have to make that decision yourself.

But whatever happens please don't kill yourself. You have worth. He and your marraige are not the measure of your life. Your a good mother and om sure a good woman. This is not about you. You didn't fail anyone at all. If he starts saying you did then tell him to shove it. do not ever take responsibility for this.

Hold out hope girl. Maybe this will be the catalyst you marriage can use to be stronger? Hopeful at least it's the catalyst for you to become stronger. Try to be a little bit stronger every day. It doesn't have to be all at one times. Try taking care of yourself. Your still at the start of this.

Can I ask.... how is your husband acting since dday? Is he taking responsibility? Is he blame shifting? Did he go NC? Dies he work with this girl? He can't see her at all! If he has to find a new job too bad!
This is all good advice/questions op.
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Old 27th February 2018, 1:27 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
The reason I didnít go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldnít be there until later, and I didnít want him to find me.

I donít want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because Iím embarrassed. The fact Iím not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you being 'enough'. Stop telling yourself this. The failure is his, not yours. I understand the feelings of failure and embarrassment whehinks you have that 'perfect marriage'. You really need to seek professional help.
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Old 27th February 2018, 2:29 PM   #27
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I got the impression the OP is embarrassed that their seemingly picture perfect marriage in peopleís eyes has been shattered. Please see a therapist for yourself first.
This is the second posts to sorta hint at something like this. When a woman finds out her husband has been having an affair, all sorts of different emotions go through her mind. I love it when people come here to judge the victim though....
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Old 27th February 2018, 3:23 PM   #28
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So he probably felt guilty when you were telling him how perfect he is.

My question still stands...what happens when he gets bored next time? Because we all get bored in relationships at times. That's life.

Why didn't he do something to combat his boredom like take up a new hobby or sport.

Where does the answer to boredom become ...I'm going to have an affair.

I find that response very infuriating on your behalf.
So in order to keep him faithful are you meant to become the comedy central channel and keep him entertained or what.

It's such a very immature reason to have an affair.
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Old 27th February 2018, 3:29 PM   #29
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According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasnít been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, heís been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

Iím not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. Iím embarrassed that Iím Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something Iíve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...
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Old 27th February 2018, 3:51 PM   #30
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I understand that you feel this way...

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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasnít been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, heís been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

Iím not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. Iím embarrassed that Iím Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something Iíve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...
I understand that you feel this way...but you simply have to stop this negative self talk.

Everyone fees that way and nothing could be farther from the truth. It actually had not one thing to do with you.

It is not (check the following boxes):
1) you are not pretty enough...Nope.
2) you are not sexy enough...Nope.
3) you are not young enough...Def nope on this one.
4) you are not good enough in bed...Nope again.

It actually has absolutely nothing to do with you. And not to be sexist, but he is a guy, he saw a chance to get some strange, and he went for it.

That is exactly what it was, and I "think" now he knows he was a fool.

But, you cannot let him off the hook with this thing. He has to help you heal and earn your trust back or you get to go find a man that will treat you properly...

Are you listening????
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