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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over


Devistated.

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ust found out my husband of twenty years is having an affair with a girl who’s only twenty three.

 

We have three handsome boys who’re great in school, popular, two athletes and a musician. We’re involved in their schooling, we have a beautiful home, cars, and anything we could want.

 

My husband is my best friend. We are always doing something and having fun. We recently went on a trip for our anniversary and we just played the whole time. He kept telling me how I’m the love of his life and he’s so grateful that we’re where we are. I worship this man. He always comes first in my life.

 

When he told me about the affair, he said it was over. He said he had broke it off and that it was a mistake, but now I’m second guessing everything I do. I don’t know what to even think or do about this. It’s just shattered me.

 

I have bent over backwards so that he could advance in his tech career. I have put myself on hold for him and then I find this out...

 

I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, and a partner. I’m not even mad at the girl, as I feel I have no reason to be, but I feel like I’ve failed and I want to die. I haven’t been able to get out of bed since he told me he was having an affair. I thought we were fine!

 

I don’t want my boys to think I’m not good enough and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I’ve failed as a wife because I’ve tried to give everything I have, only for him to not feel the same. I’ve honestly thought about suicide. Can we survive this?

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Did he give a reason for why he had the affair?

 

Because he was bored. We’ve always had great communication. When he wanted to try new things sexually, I was willing and encouraged stuff that he thought I wouldn’t. I have always tried to keep an open and trusting dialogue in that area. In all areas of our life because I feel like I owe him that.

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If he was bored he should have talked to you about it. I don’t think you should be blaming yourself or thinking you failed. If you had an active sex life and were constantly trying new and different things, being bored isn’t a very good excuse. It sounds more to me like he just wanted something different. You can’t really help that.

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What happens next time he's bored and why did he tell you about the affair?

 

Was he afraid the OW would tell you?

 

There's usually a reason.

 

I also think it's unhealthy to worship any human being...he's not a God.

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Absolutely none! If you let this be o.k if you let him get away with it without him having to win you back he will not respect what he has.

 

I say start drawing up divorce papers ( you don't have to pull the trigger just scare him at least.) Do the 180. Work on yourself. Don't break weep and cry. Don't cling. Let him do the begging. Go get a tan. Go jogging. Spend time with your kids or friends.

 

When he comes to beg don't let him skate with answers like because I was bored. Dig into him. Ask him the questions that will make him uncomfortable. Grill him. Raid his email and texts. If he doesn't like it....... to ****ing bad.... divorce. He has to work with YOU and your rules. The only time reconciliation seems to work on these forums is when the WS does the heavy lifting.

 

Keep a voice recorder on you if he starts saying or doing crazy or mean things. Catch his trickle truth and punish accordingly. He has to tell you the truth. If you have to drag every tiny little bit of the truth out of him with new evidence every time it means he thinks he can skate. You have to be willing to throw the marraige away for real and he has to be afraid of that.

 

Don't use your kids as weapons against him but they should know. Tell his parents or siblings and your family. The big reveal can do alot to kill any afair in its tracks. Exposure is key as alot of people on these forums say.

 

Keep your head up and don't let this break you. It's not you. You didn't fail anyone. You where a good mother and a loyal wife. Many men would kill for that. This is on your husband. HE is the one who messed up. He is the one who acted like a frat bro. He is the one who thinks ****ing a twenty year old is cool. your husband is going to have to grow and change and it will have to be more then just words.

 

And in the end you will have to decide if you want him back. You don't really NEED him. I'm sure alimony would take care of you. This will be a journey and only if HIM AND YOU truly want it can you reconcile. Even then it will take years. There will be days years from now that you think about him and wonder. Can you live with that?

 

I would also recomend an individual councilor and possibly mc but only if he shows he wants to put the work in. He has to prove he is changing. That he can be trusted again. Not now but slowly one day maybe. And you have to come to understand weather you want to continue this marraige. It will be hard. Some days you will want to forget everything and some days you will want to run and others you will hate him. You will blame yourself , him , you name it. Your emotions will be all over the board.

 

Just remember this is not your fualt! Even if there where fualts of your own in the marriage that should have been worked on that doesn't give him the right to cheat. Depending on the kind of person you are your path may be very different to others. Just don't let yourself be fooled and taken for a ride again. Call him on his bull****! Even if you end up losing this marraige do it with poise and dignity.

 

 

Edit

 

Also listen to the people on this board. Alot of them have come here like you at one point or another. This is a great board. Somtimes people will say things you don't want to hear but a lot of the time those answers help the most. There are a ton of good people her from all walks of life. Use thier knowledge and experience but don't expect one magical answer that will set everything straight.

Edited by Adotta
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OP,

first off, stop blaming yourself. This isn't really about you. It's about your spouse and what he felt entitled to do. For whatever reason, he decided that he was entitled to step out, and so he did.

 

My best advice to you is to take some deep breaths and try and slow down your racing mind. I know that's hard to do, but you have some decisions to make.

 

Fist off, decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay in your marriage? From what you say, it sounds like you do.

 

If staying is what you want, then ask your husband, point blank, if he wants to stay as well. If his answer is "yes", then you need to spend some time thinking about what you need from him. Do you need to see him send his ow a no contact message? Do you need him to go to counseling with a counselor you both like ( this is really important...please do this)? Do you want to spend a bit of time on your own so you can collect your thoughts? That's fine too.

 

One thing I would highly recommend is that, if he says he wants to recommit to your marriage, then he needs to be " all in". No waffling back and forth. One hundred percent transparency is also important. If you as a question, he needs to answer it and not hold back. He also needs to be prepared for you asking the same question several times as you process through all of this.

 

He also needs to understand that the process is going to take time for you. He has had all the time in the world to work through his emotions. You have not. You wounds are fresh and raw,and he needs to respect that.

 

I would also recommend you seek legal advice.Not because divorce is necessarily on the table, but because, the more knowledge you have, the better choices you'll be able to make.

 

Your husband also needs to realize that his choices will impact your whole family, and that they are no one's fault but his own. He needs to show you, through concrete action, that he is working on himself and also to rebuild trust between you two.

 

For yourself, I woudl reach out to friends you can really trust. You need some TLC right ow, so don't be afraid to ask for it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and like taking your own life is an acceptable way out, please, see your doctor or call 911. You have no reason to feel shame for your husband's actions. Don't let him place that burden on your shoulders. Eat well, try and exercise and get enough sleep.

 

I chose not to divorce, so I can't offer any helpful advice about the process of uncoupling.

 

I would also suggest that you spend some time cultivating a life aside of your marriage. Take up a new hobby, go out with friends, etc. I know that may sound trite, but it really can help.

 

Whatever choices you make,you are at the start of a marathon, not a sprint.Take your time to decide what your next steps will be, journal if you feel that's helpful, and don't be afraid to put yourself first. His cheating was not your fault. It was his.

 

 

 

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This is my first post. I was in your shoes four years ago.

 

First and foremost, it is 100% not your fault. Not your fault! A man who has an affair often has too little character to admit wrongdoing; therefore, he’s projecting it onto you. Not your fault!

 

Please reach out to friends and family. If you can, please get yourself into therapy. Doing this saved me.

 

Please be good to yourself. You need to. <3

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Starswillshine

This had nothing to do with you. We had the perfect family, too... and the we were that couple everyone wanted to be. I thought I was living my fairy tale. Could i have been better in some areas? Absolutely. Would that have changed anything, absolutely not.

 

I spent nearly 2 years trying to salvage what was my marriage after the outing if the affair and now I am at peace filing divorce. Now he is begging and showing the signs of a changed man. Little too late though. I couldn't do the 180. I wasn't ready to walk away then, so I couldn't do it... but had I did it then, I may have saved my marriage. It's too late now.

 

Wmac has great advice. Read it many times over. I have seen myself in very dark times. Where I didn't want to live another moment. Please take care of yourself and know one day, the pain does subside.

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"Being bored" is such a bad excuse.

 

I hope you aren't buying it.

 

In these situations there is always (much) more going than than the initial truths.

 

I'm sorry that you, a good person, has been betrayed in this manner.

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ust found out my husband of twenty years is having an affair with a girl who’s only twenty three.

 

We have three handsome boys who’re great in school, popular, two athletes and a musician. We’re involved in their schooling, we have a beautiful home, cars, and anything we could want.

 

My husband is my best friend. We are always doing something and having fun. We recently went on a trip for our anniversary and we just played the whole time. He kept telling me how I’m the love of his life and he’s so grateful that we’re where we are. I worship this man. He always comes first in my life.

 

When he told me about the affair, he said it was over. He said he had broke it off and that it was a mistake, but now I’m second guessing everything I do. I don’t know what to even think or do about this. It’s just shattered me.

 

I have bent over backwards so that he could advance in his tech career. I have put myself on hold for him and then I find this out...

 

I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, and a partner. I’m not even mad at the girl, as I feel I have no reason to be, but I feel like I’ve failed and I want to die. I haven’t been able to get out of bed since he told me he was having an affair. I thought we were fine!

 

I don’t want my boys to think I’m not good enough and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I’ve failed as a wife because I’ve tried to give everything I have, only for him to not feel the same. I’ve honestly thought about suicide. Can we survive this?

 

Your husband basically suffered the classic mid-life crisis. Nothing you failed to do had anything to do with the affair. The fact that he ended the affair and disclosed this to you is a plus.

 

Why would you commit suicide over this? There are far worse things in life. Stay married or divorce, you need to pull yourself up emotionally. You are second guessing because you don’t know what you want or should do. You are re-evaluating and may change your mind several times a day. It is an important decision and normal. Setting arbitrary dates to make a decision may not be useful. Your husband cannot heal you.

 

I am not a fan of MC because usually one party will not change or the other is unable to foregive. If that is not the situation, you might give it a try.

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What happens next time he's bored and why did he tell you about the affair?

 

Was he afraid the OW would tell you?

 

There's usually a reason.

 

I also think it's unhealthy to worship any human being...he's not a God.

 

I’m not sure. We were in our kitchen and I was playing with his hair telling him how perfect he is and he started crying and told me.

 

I just think he’s such a great man and I know i got lucky when we met...

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OP,

first off, stop blaming yourself. This isn't really about you. It's about your spouse and what he felt entitled to do. For whatever reason, he decided that he was entitled to step out, and so he did.

 

My best advice to you is to take some deep breaths and try and slow down your racing mind. I know that's hard to do, but you have some decisions to make.

 

Fist off, decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay in your marriage? From what you say, it sounds like you do.

 

If staying is what you want, then ask your husband, point blank, if he wants to stay as well. If his answer is "yes", then you need to spend some time thinking about what you need from him. Do you need to see him send his ow a no contact message? Do you need him to go to counseling with a counselor you both like ( this is really important...please do this)? Do you want to spend a bit of time on your own so you can collect your thoughts? That's fine too.

 

One thing I would highly recommend is that, if he says he wants to recommit to your marriage, then he needs to be " all in". No waffling back and forth. One hundred percent transparency is also important. If you as a question, he needs to answer it and not hold back. He also needs to be prepared for you asking the same question several times as you process through all of this.

 

He also needs to understand that the process is going to take time for you. He has had all the time in the world to work through his emotions. You have not. You wounds are fresh and raw,and he needs to respect that.

 

I would also recommend you seek legal advice.Not because divorce is necessarily on the table, but because, the more knowledge you have, the better choices you'll be able to make.

 

Your husband also needs to realize that his choices will impact your whole family, and that they are no one's fault but his own. He needs to show you, through concrete action, that he is working on himself and also to rebuild trust between you two.

 

For yourself, I woudl reach out to friends you can really trust. You need some TLC right ow, so don't be afraid to ask for it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and like taking your own life is an acceptable way out, please, see your doctor or call 911. You have no reason to feel shame for your husband's actions. Don't let him place that burden on your shoulders. Eat well, try and exercise and get enough sleep.

 

I chose not to divorce, so I can't offer any helpful advice about the process of uncoupling.

 

I would also suggest that you spend some time cultivating a life aside of your marriage. Take up a new hobby, go out with friends, etc. I know that may sound trite, but it really can help.

 

Whatever choices you make,you are at the start of a marathon, not a sprint.Take your time to decide what your next steps will be, journal if you feel that's helpful, and don't be afraid to put yourself first. His cheating was not your fault. It was his.

 

 

 

 

I would want to stay in the marriage, yes. My thoughts of suicide were so strong today...

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I would want to stay in the marriage, yes. My thoughts of suicide were so strong today...

 

For very different reasons than yours, my dad's father took his own life many years ago. It still haunts him.

 

Please don't do that to your children. It's a terrible weight to place on their shoulders.

 

From the way you write, it sounds like , if you want to reconcile, you are going to have to accept that your husband failed you. That doesn't make him a terrible person, just one that is subject the some very common human failings.

 

On the plus side, at least he was honest with you.

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OP, please call the suicide hotline. NO PERSON is worth ending your life over. Think of your children. Please reach out for help in real life. It may feel like it right now, but the world is not ending.

Edited by BTDT2012
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OP, please call the suicide hotline. NO PERSON is worth ending your life over. Think of your children. Please reach out for help in real life. It may feel like it right now, but the world is not ending.

 

OP,

this is so true. I understand how you feel, but life will get better. Don't give in to the darkness. No one is worth that.

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Because he was bored. We’ve always had great communication. When he wanted to try new things sexually, I was willing and encouraged stuff that he thought I wouldn’t. I have always tried to keep an open and trusting dialogue in that area. In all areas of our life because I feel like I owe him that.

 

Sorry Devistated but that is an excuse, that is not the reason for his infidelity. What does a lame excuse like boredom say about the value he puts on your relationship? He cheated with someone the age of his kids, boredom is not good enough even as an excuse to risk everything for. You need to talk to a lawyer as someone has already recommended, you need to understand your rights, knowing your rights will help you both understand what is at risk if he doesn't work hard enough to prove to you that your marriage to him is worth saving. Does he work with her? If he does one of them has to go, they can not work together. Is she married, single or in a relationship? If the answer is yes her partner needs to be told, it's the right thing to do.

 

Take your time, don't be so eager to forgive. A second chance is earned so make him earn his way back into the marriage. If he won't do the work it's better you know now then a couple of years down the road. Be specific about what you require from him, set proper boundaries with consequences. Independent counselling for him is an absolute requirement, he needs to find out why he gave himself the approval to betray you and his family. Have him prepare a timeline of the affair, start to finish, finding new information later is like a new D Day with new pain. There can be no secrets left between him and his affair partner. He needs to tell you who else knows but didn't tell you, they are not friends of the marriage, get rid of any facilitators, false friends.

 

The good news is that he told you, you didn't find this out on your own. Your already ahead of most of us. Do not rug sweep his infidelity because by doing so you risk being in the same situation sometime in your near future. Make him do the hard work of gaining your trust back, your the prize and he needs to know that you have great value. Believe his actions not the words that come out of his mouth. Don't sell yourself cheaply, make him earn that second chance or it will mean nothing to him. Talk to a lawyer, that's a good place to start.

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I don't have any additional advice to give, other than many people on this board (including myself) have experienced infidelity and the devastating effects of it. It is a life changing event but you can and will get through it. Hang in there, post here, and please reach out for help if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts.

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The reason I didn’t go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldn’t be there until later, and I didn’t want him to find me.

 

I don’t want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because I’m embarrassed. The fact I’m not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.

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The reason I didn’t go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldn’t be there until later, and I didn’t want him to find me.

 

I don’t want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because I’m embarrassed. The fact I’m not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.

 

OP,

His cheating isn't about you. You could have fashion model looks, been a Martha Stewart level homemaker and had the sex techniques of a porn star, and he likely would still have cheated.

 

That's because he the perfect storm of his "boredom" ( a lame excuse indeed) and a woman who was willing to get into a relationship with a married man came together. It is not your fault. It's not about you. it's about something in your husband's mind that made cheating an acceptable option over coming to you, telling you how he was feeling and working with you to address the issue. He had that choice...he chose to do otherwise.

 

All of this being said, it's also just as likely he was perfectly happy with you when he met this other woman, and rather than listen to the voice in his head or his heart, he chose to listen to the one in his pants. However, he does have a conscience, and to square away that desire, he had to do some pretty agile mental gymnastics to rationalize his behavior. He had to make it your fault, something he couldn't control and something that he wasn't to blame for.

 

Lots of ws do this, but eventually, their conscience wins out, like what happened with your husband.

 

Please, find someone you feel safe with and talk through this with them. You need help.There is no shame in that at all, and there is definitely no reason for you to feel ashamed about yourself for what your husband chose to do.

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The reason I didn’t go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldn’t be there until later, and I didn’t want him to find me.

 

I don’t want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because I’m embarrassed. The fact I’m not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.

 

There are many strategies to fight and kill an affair. Many of us here

know about that and will help you to do this if that is your desire.

 

I do not know how to tell you do not do it or anything that you can not

comeback from. Tell your parents, close to a sibling, favorite aunt, uncle,

a priest, go to the emergency room.

 

Wives and husbands that cheat are the broken ones to do such a

selfish act. They are the ones that are broken. You are in pain caused

by their short comings.

 

You will get through this and the pain will go away. It will go away in

time. So you what to do you want to do, divorce, recover the marriage?

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I got the impression the OP is embarrassed that their seemingly picture perfect marriage in people’s eyes has been shattered. Please see a therapist for yourself first.

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It's good news that he told you himself. Alot of people here wished thier SO would have told them. It shows he had guilt at least and probably some remorse. Just remember he COULD have kept the secret. He could have continued. It doesn't mean he's Scott free but it shows he understands he can't continue. That he does care for you.

 

Can you marriage be saved? Can your husband become a safe husband? Who knows. You will have to make that decision yourself.

 

But whatever happens please don't kill yourself. You have worth. He and your marraige are not the measure of your life. Your a good mother and om sure a good woman. This is not about you. You didn't fail anyone at all. If he starts saying you did then tell him to shove it. do not ever take responsibility for this.

 

Hold out hope girl. Maybe this will be the catalyst you marriage can use to be stronger? Hopeful at least it's the catalyst for you to become stronger. Try to be a little bit stronger every day. It doesn't have to be all at one times. Try taking care of yourself. Your still at the start of this.

 

Can I ask.... how is your husband acting since dday? Is he taking responsibility? Is he blame shifting? Did he go NC? Dies he work with this girl? He can't see her at all! If he has to find a new job too bad!

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It's good news that he told you himself. Alot of people here wished thier SO would have told them. It shows he had guilt at least and probably some remorse. Just remember he COULD have kept the secret. He could have continued. It doesn't mean he's Scott free but it shows he understands he can't continue. That he does care for you.

 

Can you marriage be saved? Can your husband become a safe husband? Who knows. You will have to make that decision yourself.

 

But whatever happens please don't kill yourself. You have worth. He and your marraige are not the measure of your life. Your a good mother and om sure a good woman. This is not about you. You didn't fail anyone at all. If he starts saying you did then tell him to shove it. do not ever take responsibility for this.

 

Hold out hope girl. Maybe this will be the catalyst you marriage can use to be stronger? Hopeful at least it's the catalyst for you to become stronger. Try to be a little bit stronger every day. It doesn't have to be all at one times. Try taking care of yourself. Your still at the start of this.

 

Can I ask.... how is your husband acting since dday? Is he taking responsibility? Is he blame shifting? Did he go NC? Dies he work with this girl? He can't see her at all! If he has to find a new job too bad!

 

This is all good advice/questions op.

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