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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th February 2018, 12:23 PM   #1
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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over

ust found out my husband of twenty years is having an affair with a girl whoís only twenty three.

We have three handsome boys whoíre great in school, popular, two athletes and a musician. Weíre involved in their schooling, we have a beautiful home, cars, and anything we could want.

My husband is my best friend. We are always doing something and having fun. We recently went on a trip for our anniversary and we just played the whole time. He kept telling me how Iím the love of his life and heís so grateful that weíre where we are. I worship this man. He always comes first in my life.

When he told me about the affair, he said it was over. He said he had broke it off and that it was a mistake, but now Iím second guessing everything I do. I donít know what to even think or do about this. Itís just shattered me.

I have bent over backwards so that he could advance in his tech career. I have put myself on hold for him and then I find this out...

I feel like Iíve failed as a mother, and a partner. Iím not even mad at the girl, as I feel I have no reason to be, but I feel like Iíve failed and I want to die. I havenít been able to get out of bed since he told me he was having an affair. I thought we were fine!

I donít want my boys to think Iím not good enough and I have no idea what to do. I feel like Iíve failed as a wife because Iíve tried to give everything I have, only for him to not feel the same. Iíve honestly thought about suicide. Can we survive this?
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Old 25th February 2018, 12:28 PM   #2
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Did he give a reason for why he had the affair?
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Old 25th February 2018, 12:33 PM   #3
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Did he give a reason for why he had the affair?
Because he was bored. Weíve always had great communication. When he wanted to try new things sexually, I was willing and encouraged stuff that he thought I wouldnít. I have always tried to keep an open and trusting dialogue in that area. In all areas of our life because I feel like I owe him that.
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Old 25th February 2018, 1:57 PM   #4
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If he was bored he should have talked to you about it. I donít think you should be blaming yourself or thinking you failed. If you had an active sex life and were constantly trying new and different things, being bored isnít a very good excuse. It sounds more to me like he just wanted something different. You canít really help that.
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Old 25th February 2018, 2:35 PM   #5
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What happens next time he's bored and why did he tell you about the affair?

Was he afraid the OW would tell you?

There's usually a reason.

I also think it's unhealthy to worship any human being...he's not a God.
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Old 25th February 2018, 4:13 PM   #6
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no rug sweeping

Absolutely none! If you let this be o.k if you let him get away with it without him having to win you back he will not respect what he has.

I say start drawing up divorce papers ( you don't have to pull the trigger just scare him at least.) Do the 180. Work on yourself. Don't break weep and cry. Don't cling. Let him do the begging. Go get a tan. Go jogging. Spend time with your kids or friends.

When he comes to beg don't let him skate with answers like because I was bored. Dig into him. Ask him the questions that will make him uncomfortable. Grill him. Raid his email and texts. If he doesn't like it....... to ****ing bad.... divorce. He has to work with YOU and your rules. The only time reconciliation seems to work on these forums is when the WS does the heavy lifting.

Keep a voice recorder on you if he starts saying or doing crazy or mean things. Catch his trickle truth and punish accordingly. He has to tell you the truth. If you have to drag every tiny little bit of the truth out of him with new evidence every time it means he thinks he can skate. You have to be willing to throw the marraige away for real and he has to be afraid of that.

Don't use your kids as weapons against him but they should know. Tell his parents or siblings and your family. The big reveal can do alot to kill any afair in its tracks. Exposure is key as alot of people on these forums say.

Keep your head up and don't let this break you. It's not you. You didn't fail anyone. You where a good mother and a loyal wife. Many men would kill for that. This is on your husband. HE is the one who messed up. He is the one who acted like a frat bro. He is the one who thinks ****ing a twenty year old is cool. your husband is going to have to grow and change and it will have to be more then just words.

And in the end you will have to decide if you want him back. You don't really NEED him. I'm sure alimony would take care of you. This will be a journey and only if HIM AND YOU truly want it can you reconcile. Even then it will take years. There will be days years from now that you think about him and wonder. Can you live with that?

I would also recomend an individual councilor and possibly mc but only if he shows he wants to put the work in. He has to prove he is changing. That he can be trusted again. Not now but slowly one day maybe. And you have to come to understand weather you want to continue this marraige. It will be hard. Some days you will want to forget everything and some days you will want to run and others you will hate him. You will blame yourself , him , you name it. Your emotions will be all over the board.

Just remember this is not your fualt! Even if there where fualts of your own in the marriage that should have been worked on that doesn't give him the right to cheat. Depending on the kind of person you are your path may be very different to others. Just don't let yourself be fooled and taken for a ride again. Call him on his bull****! Even if you end up losing this marraige do it with poise and dignity.


Edit

Also listen to the people on this board. Alot of them have come here like you at one point or another. This is a great board. Somtimes people will say things you don't want to hear but a lot of the time those answers help the most. There are a ton of good people her from all walks of life. Use thier knowledge and experience but don't expect one magical answer that will set everything straight.

Last edited by Adotta; 25th February 2018 at 4:21 PM..
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Old 25th February 2018, 5:26 PM   #7
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OP,
first off, stop blaming yourself. This isn't really about you. It's about your spouse and what he felt entitled to do. For whatever reason, he decided that he was entitled to step out, and so he did.

My best advice to you is to take some deep breaths and try and slow down your racing mind. I know that's hard to do, but you have some decisions to make.

Fist off, decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay in your marriage? From what you say, it sounds like you do.

If staying is what you want, then ask your husband, point blank, if he wants to stay as well. If his answer is "yes", then you need to spend some time thinking about what you need from him. Do you need to see him send his ow a no contact message? Do you need him to go to counseling with a counselor you both like ( this is really important...please do this)? Do you want to spend a bit of time on your own so you can collect your thoughts? That's fine too.

One thing I would highly recommend is that, if he says he wants to recommit to your marriage, then he needs to be " all in". No waffling back and forth. One hundred percent transparency is also important. If you as a question, he needs to answer it and not hold back. He also needs to be prepared for you asking the same question several times as you process through all of this.

He also needs to understand that the process is going to take time for you. He has had all the time in the world to work through his emotions. You have not. You wounds are fresh and raw,and he needs to respect that.

I would also recommend you seek legal advice.Not because divorce is necessarily on the table, but because, the more knowledge you have, the better choices you'll be able to make.

Your husband also needs to realize that his choices will impact your whole family, and that they are no one's fault but his own. He needs to show you, through concrete action, that he is working on himself and also to rebuild trust between you two.

For yourself, I woudl reach out to friends you can really trust. You need some TLC right ow, so don't be afraid to ask for it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and like taking your own life is an acceptable way out, please, see your doctor or call 911. You have no reason to feel shame for your husband's actions. Don't let him place that burden on your shoulders. Eat well, try and exercise and get enough sleep.

I chose not to divorce, so I can't offer any helpful advice about the process of uncoupling.

I would also suggest that you spend some time cultivating a life aside of your marriage. Take up a new hobby, go out with friends, etc. I know that may sound trite, but it really can help.

Whatever choices you make,you are at the start of a marathon, not a sprint.Take your time to decide what your next steps will be, journal if you feel that's helpful, and don't be afraid to put yourself first. His cheating was not your fault. It was his.



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Old 25th February 2018, 7:39 PM   #8
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This is not your fault. The advice given by wmacbride is spot on. Make him get tested for STD's and you do the same.
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Old 25th February 2018, 9:51 PM   #9
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Be Kind to Yourself

This is my first post. I was in your shoes four years ago.

First and foremost, it is 100% not your fault. Not your fault! A man who has an affair often has too little character to admit wrongdoing; therefore, heís projecting it onto you. Not your fault!

Please reach out to friends and family. If you can, please get yourself into therapy. Doing this saved me.

Please be good to yourself. You need to. <3
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Old 25th February 2018, 9:58 PM   #10
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This had nothing to do with you. We had the perfect family, too... and the we were that couple everyone wanted to be. I thought I was living my fairy tale. Could i have been better in some areas? Absolutely. Would that have changed anything, absolutely not.

I spent nearly 2 years trying to salvage what was my marriage after the outing if the affair and now I am at peace filing divorce. Now he is begging and showing the signs of a changed man. Little too late though. I couldn't do the 180. I wasn't ready to walk away then, so I couldn't do it... but had I did it then, I may have saved my marriage. It's too late now.

Wmac has great advice. Read it many times over. I have seen myself in very dark times. Where I didn't want to live another moment. Please take care of yourself and know one day, the pain does subside.
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Old 25th February 2018, 10:25 PM   #11
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"Being bored" is such a bad excuse.

I hope you aren't buying it.

In these situations there is always (much) more going than than the initial truths.

I'm sorry that you, a good person, has been betrayed in this manner.
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Old 26th February 2018, 12:03 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
ust found out my husband of twenty years is having an affair with a girl whoís only twenty three.

We have three handsome boys whoíre great in school, popular, two athletes and a musician. Weíre involved in their schooling, we have a beautiful home, cars, and anything we could want.

My husband is my best friend. We are always doing something and having fun. We recently went on a trip for our anniversary and we just played the whole time. He kept telling me how Iím the love of his life and heís so grateful that weíre where we are. I worship this man. He always comes first in my life.

When he told me about the affair, he said it was over. He said he had broke it off and that it was a mistake, but now Iím second guessing everything I do. I donít know what to even think or do about this. Itís just shattered me.

I have bent over backwards so that he could advance in his tech career. I have put myself on hold for him and then I find this out...

I feel like Iíve failed as a mother, and a partner. Iím not even mad at the girl, as I feel I have no reason to be, but I feel like Iíve failed and I want to die. I havenít been able to get out of bed since he told me he was having an affair. I thought we were fine!

I donít want my boys to think Iím not good enough and I have no idea what to do. I feel like Iíve failed as a wife because Iíve tried to give everything I have, only for him to not feel the same. Iíve honestly thought about suicide. Can we survive this?
Your husband basically suffered the classic mid-life crisis. Nothing you failed to do had anything to do with the affair. The fact that he ended the affair and disclosed this to you is a plus.

Why would you commit suicide over this? There are far worse things in life. Stay married or divorce, you need to pull yourself up emotionally. You are second guessing because you donít know what you want or should do. You are re-evaluating and may change your mind several times a day. It is an important decision and normal. Setting arbitrary dates to make a decision may not be useful. Your husband cannot heal you.

I am not a fan of MC because usually one party will not change or the other is unable to foregive. If that is not the situation, you might give it a try.
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Old 26th February 2018, 2:32 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
What happens next time he's bored and why did he tell you about the affair?

Was he afraid the OW would tell you?

There's usually a reason.

I also think it's unhealthy to worship any human being...he's not a God.
Iím not sure. We were in our kitchen and I was playing with his hair telling him how perfect he is and he started crying and told me.

I just think heís such a great man and I know i got lucky when we met...
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Old 26th February 2018, 2:38 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
OP,
first off, stop blaming yourself. This isn't really about you. It's about your spouse and what he felt entitled to do. For whatever reason, he decided that he was entitled to step out, and so he did.

My best advice to you is to take some deep breaths and try and slow down your racing mind. I know that's hard to do, but you have some decisions to make.

Fist off, decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay in your marriage? From what you say, it sounds like you do.

If staying is what you want, then ask your husband, point blank, if he wants to stay as well. If his answer is "yes", then you need to spend some time thinking about what you need from him. Do you need to see him send his ow a no contact message? Do you need him to go to counseling with a counselor you both like ( this is really important...please do this)? Do you want to spend a bit of time on your own so you can collect your thoughts? That's fine too.

One thing I would highly recommend is that, if he says he wants to recommit to your marriage, then he needs to be " all in". No waffling back and forth. One hundred percent transparency is also important. If you as a question, he needs to answer it and not hold back. He also needs to be prepared for you asking the same question several times as you process through all of this.

He also needs to understand that the process is going to take time for you. He has had all the time in the world to work through his emotions. You have not. You wounds are fresh and raw,and he needs to respect that.

I would also recommend you seek legal advice.Not because divorce is necessarily on the table, but because, the more knowledge you have, the better choices you'll be able to make.

Your husband also needs to realize that his choices will impact your whole family, and that they are no one's fault but his own. He needs to show you, through concrete action, that he is working on himself and also to rebuild trust between you two.

For yourself, I woudl reach out to friends you can really trust. You need some TLC right ow, so don't be afraid to ask for it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and like taking your own life is an acceptable way out, please, see your doctor or call 911. You have no reason to feel shame for your husband's actions. Don't let him place that burden on your shoulders. Eat well, try and exercise and get enough sleep.

I chose not to divorce, so I can't offer any helpful advice about the process of uncoupling.

I would also suggest that you spend some time cultivating a life aside of your marriage. Take up a new hobby, go out with friends, etc. I know that may sound trite, but it really can help.

Whatever choices you make,you are at the start of a marathon, not a sprint.Take your time to decide what your next steps will be, journal if you feel that's helpful, and don't be afraid to put yourself first. His cheating was not your fault. It was his.



I would want to stay in the marriage, yes. My thoughts of suicide were so strong today...
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Old 26th February 2018, 7:32 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
I would want to stay in the marriage, yes. My thoughts of suicide were so strong today...
For very different reasons than yours, my dad's father took his own life many years ago. It still haunts him.

Please don't do that to your children. It's a terrible weight to place on their shoulders.

From the way you write, it sounds like , if you want to reconcile, you are going to have to accept that your husband failed you. That doesn't make him a terrible person, just one that is subject the some very common human failings.

On the plus side, at least he was honest with you.
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