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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th January 2018, 2:15 PM   #31
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I look at the choosing to be with my spouse not as a burden or something bad, but as a gift.

Each day,I know that I am choosing to be with him, and that means it's where I truly want to be. While he was away after he told me about his A, I had lots of time to think. I could have succeeded on my own, maybe found another guy and been happy. Hell, in some ways, it might have been a whole lot easier, but that wasn't what I wanted.

The op shows that reconciling is also a daily choice for the ws. Each day, she has made/makes the choice to be with her bs and feel the guilt,face the triggers, see the pain in her bs's eyes and know she caused it. She has chosen to reconnect with him and build a new relationship even though it might have been easier to be with another man without all the baggage because she loves him enough to try. She is willing to humble herself and dot he work, and I do hope that, if all goes well, she and her bh will be able to create a wonderful new relationship. That takes bravery, humility and a big heart, and it sounds like she has all of those, plus a whole lot more.
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Old 30th January 2018, 4:05 PM   #32
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My apologies if anybody doesn't like this post. I followed Sophie's thread pretty closely and was rooting for her and her ex-hubby to get back together. Despite Sophie's affair, I could feel that she and her ex-hubby deeply loved each other and were super attracted to each other. In contrast, I personally think DKT's story was full of dramas at times. If I recall correctly, he had an emotional affair with a poster on here even after he was engaged to his ex-wife to be married the second time (and while she was pregnant with their baby).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cullenbohannon View Post
I stand corrected. We spent the evening reading Sophies and DKTs threads. Reconcilliation does not end with the decision to try again.

As much strength that it takes to leave a WS that you love, it takes twice as much to come back. That is a huge risk.

The belonging of true love is the only reason a person would risk their heart again. It is also the only reason a WS would wait the 2-5 years and follow the script.

Not surprised the two women talked to each other. Loving may have given Sophie the play by play and it worked. Many could benefit from such advice. Perhaps they should write a book.
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Old 30th January 2018, 4:29 PM   #33
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I have to disagree...

Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
I look at the choosing to be with my spouse not as a burden or something bad, but as a gift.

Each day,I know that I am choosing to be with him, and that means it's where I truly want to be. While he was away after he told me about his A, I had lots of time to think. I could have succeeded on my own, maybe found another guy and been happy. Hell, in some ways, it might have been a whole lot easier, but that wasn't what I wanted.

The op shows that reconciling is also a daily choice for the ws. Each day, she has made/makes the choice to be with her bs and feel the guilt,face the triggers, see the pain in her bs's eyes and know she caused it. She has chosen to reconnect with him and build a new relationship even though it might have been easier to be with another man without all the baggage because she loves him enough to try. She is willing to humble herself and dot he work, and I do hope that, if all goes well, she and her bh will be able to create a wonderful new relationship. That takes bravery, humility and a big heart, and it sounds like she has all of those, plus a whole lot more.
I have to disagree... And I think, with respect, that you take too much on yourself.

That is your right, but IMHO, the BS is the one that gives the GIFT to the WS.

If the WS wants to leave, then hit the road. It is their job to prove to the BS that they made the right decision.

In my case, mine did not, she hit the road...
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Old 30th January 2018, 4:34 PM   #34
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Awesome

That's simply awesome.
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Old 30th January 2018, 8:13 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sofie2013 View Post
Openness and communication is key. I really believe itís as simple as that.

Weíve talked about it a little bit already. When we first started entering the dating phase. I did what most WS are asked to do when it comes to being transparent. I made a list with all my passwords to all my social media accounts and emails. He looked at me as if I had to two heads. He told me he didnít want to be in a relationship where he had to be a ďwardenĒ. He made very clear if he felt something was off or had a bad feeling about anything, he would straight up and ask if something was up and if he didnít like my answer heís gone.

Itís really all on me, I know what heís expecting from me and I know what I need to do to make this work.
Sophie: I am so glad to learn that you and your husband are back together again. I'm happy that you two have another chance at being together. And your kids must be very very happy.

Best of luck to you and stay in touch with the group here.
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Old 30th January 2018, 9:32 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
My apologies if anybody doesn't like this post. I followed Sophie's thread pretty closely and was rooting for her and her ex-hubby to get back together. Despite Sophie's affair, I could feel that she and her ex-hubby deeply loved each other and were super attracted to each other. In contrast, I personally think DKT's story was full of dramas at times. If I recall correctly, he had an emotional affair with a poster on here even after he was engaged to his ex-wife to be married the second time (and while she was pregnant with their baby).
Hmm, a member who joined in 2017 followed threads from 2015 going back?

Yes, there was drama, that comes with uncertainty, change, and shifting expectation. Although how you describe it is misleading in a taking a shot kind of way. Emotional affair? hardly.
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Old 30th January 2018, 9:48 PM   #37
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Hmm, a member who joined in 2017 followed threads from 2015 going back?

Yes, there was drama, that comes with uncertainty, change, and shifting expectation. Although how you describe it is misleading in a taking a shot kind of way. Emotional affair? hardly.
Yeah, I was following (reading) this forum on and off purely as a reader, before signing up for an account to make posts.

I know this sounds odd, but I felt a little invested in Sofie's threads (I remember spending a couple of night catching up with her threads) So I found it odd that some posters compare her situation to another couple.
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Old 30th January 2018, 10:29 PM   #38
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Seriously?

The fiancee is anxiously waiting on a update. What gives?
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Old 31st January 2018, 12:19 AM   #39
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Quote:
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Divorce does not fix issues that existed in your marriage, you just remove yourself from the marriage. Once you decide to come together again then those issues still have to be resolved or else it will just be a repeat. Just like my wife, Sofie has shown genuine change since the split, I remember following her story in real time.


I agree a lot of the issues during our first relationship do still exist. But many those issues would still be present in a new relationship if i choose to go that route. Because a lot of those issues donít follow the relationship but the person. So many of those issues wouldíve needed to be dealt with either way. Thatís probably why second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. They never wanted to solve or deal with problems/issues the first time around they probably arenít going to do it the second time either.

Plus weíve talked about problems we had the first time around before the affair took place and problems we are going to face because of the affair and the divorce. We both know this isnít going to be easy but Iíve learned marriage is never easy it takes much work and practice. And donít really see it as work, Iím actually looking forward too it.
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Old 31st January 2018, 8:22 AM   #40
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Sofie, I ma glad you are recovering.
It was a good thing that you never dated after you
ended you affair.

I wonder if your BH would of dated you after the divorce
if you had dated other men.
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Old 31st January 2018, 12:02 PM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
I have to disagree... And I think, with respect, that you take too much on yourself.

That is your right, but IMHO, the BS is the one that gives the GIFT to the WS.

If the WS wants to leave, then hit the road. It is their job to prove to the BS that they made the right decision.

In my case, mine did not, she hit the road...
It's been ten years for us. At some point, I had to let go of the anger and sadness. An affair shouldn't be a whipping tool for the rest of the marriage...Otherwise, what's the point of staying together.

Part of this conclusion came about because during the time he was away after he had told me about the affair, I got at I thought was "the call" ( a call from my spouse's squadron padre to tell me there'd been an accident or casualty). I was't home, and all I got was a voicemail to contact so and so, with the number showing p as a base number with the name "government of Canada". Of course, I should have known it was nothing important, but I didn't think of that, and all I could think was the worst. It took me awhile to get a hold of the caller, and in that time, I realized how easy it can be to lose someone you love, and for them to never again be a part of your life. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life angry and him to spend the rest of his feeling like he could never get off the hamster wheel of atoning for what he had done.

The ironic part is that he's far harder on himself than I am on him. I'd forgiven him a long time ago...I don't think he'll ever be able to forgive himself, no matter what I say.

Just my opinion. Each person needs to find what works for them. That worked for us, but others may need to take a different road.
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Old 31st January 2018, 12:06 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sofie2013 View Post
I agree a lot of the issues during our first relationship do still exist. But many those issues would still be present in a new relationship if i choose to go that route. Because a lot of those issues donít follow the relationship but the person. So many of those issues wouldíve needed to be dealt with either way. Thatís probably why second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. They never wanted to solve or deal with problems/issues the first time around they probably arenít going to do it the second time either.

Plus weíve talked about problems we had the first time around before the affair took place and problems we are going to face because of the affair and the divorce. We both know this isnít going to be easy but Iíve learned marriage is never easy it takes much work and practice. And donít really see it as work, Iím actually looking forward too it.
This is a good attitude. You have both been given a gift, and with a lot of hard work and grace on both your parts, the rest of your life together can be wonderful.
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Old 31st January 2018, 2:37 PM   #43
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I feel incredibly sad for your BH. He had it made - he detached from you and was free to start his life without the burden of a cheating wife yet caved in to his need for "comfortable". At least this is how I see it through my eyes and, of course, it's not fair to you or your husband.

I can't help but transfer my own feelings and apply my own experiences to your entire story. What you did was incredibly cruel, selfish and beyond hurtful. The thought that any man would decide that it was time to simply overlook your terrible betrayal is unthinkable. To me. Your husband is not me and I hope the two of you are able to make it work and have a great life together. I don't think you can remain faithful to him, but time will tell.
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:35 PM   #44
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Quote:
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I feel incredibly sad for your BH. He had it made - he detached from you and was free to start his life without the burden of a cheating wife yet caved in to his need for "comfortable". At least this is how I see it through my eyes and, of course, it's not fair to you or your husband.

I can't help but transfer my own feelings and apply my own experiences to your entire story. What you did was incredibly cruel, selfish and beyond hurtful. The thought that any man would decide that it was time to simply overlook your terrible betrayal is unthinkable. To me. Your husband is not me and I hope the two of you are able to make it work and have a great life together. I don't think you can remain faithful to him, but time will tell.
Because you are a BH does not mean you feel the pain in the
same ways that her BH did. Not saying one BH was hurt less
or more.

What I am saying is that Sofie's BH hurt more from not
having his family then he hurt from his WW cheating on him.

With time she was able to show him that she could stay away
from not only the OM but from all men. She showed how
she has been working to make herself safe for him.

There are many reasons and motivations to recover a marriage.
Many to get a divorce. There is nothing wrong with either route.
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Old 1st February 2018, 3:04 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sofie2013 View Post
Does dating myself count 😂.

Seriously I didnít date or see anyone. I was mostly to busy. I really needed to rebuild my life after my divorce . I had rediscover who I was, find a new job, help my boys deal with everything that was going on and add a few business ventures my sisters and I started. It was more then enough to keep me busy.

Truth be told I was starting to think about dating again. It just happened to be the guy I would start dating would be my ex.
Just curious: When did he stop dating other women? Did he know you were starting to think about dating again? Maybe that motivated him to try again, as he might lose you for good when you meet someone?
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