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Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th January 2018, 12:21 PM   #46
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Dude...

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Originally Posted by Jamess1 View Post
Your mentality is already wrong : what do you mean you had to be an open book with your emails, phone numbers etc? She is the one who cheated, she is the one who has to do all that, not you.

She is also gaslighting you : trying to make u feel guilty and accountable for her affair, she cheated, her alone, nothing u did or didn't do was to blame.

Relationships are not based on trust, not even comunication. Thats a myth.

Stop being a 'beta' : the type of man who always defaults to blaming himself for everything his wife does, who can't hold her fuly acountable and responsible.

Your wife cheated becoz of her 'hypergamy' : she perceives the man she cheated on u with to be of 'higher value' than u, more 'alpha' than u : ' women want to fu*ck a man other man want to be, and other women want to fu*ck' : thats why even if a man has a reputation of having affairs, or been a womanizer, player, like the guy yo wife cheated with, they wil complain but stil fu*ck him

Your wife has 'genuine desire' and 'attraction' for the other guy, that's why she fu*cked him, even though it was wrong and this 'genuine desire' in a woman can not be negotiated : thats why most of the time concelling doesn't work : even if she stays with u, whether she tels u or nt, she might no genuinely desire to be with u or respect u

How to inspire genuine desire in a woman : be more alpha, demonstrate high value, deep inside, beyond her drama and acting your wife doesn't realy believe u wil leave her 4 fu*ckn another man, nd becoz of dat she wont and cant respect u :dont negotiate, tel here wat u going to do and do it, tel her u r divorcing her and do it. Tel her u wil work things out after u r done divorcing her, leave as fast as posible. Tel her u dont and u wont b able to respect her as a wife : u r beta of starting a new relationshp than u r trying to fix a mariage with a woman who took another mans co*ck, actions always speak louder than words.
Dude... not saying your wrong...

But could we try to use complete sentences and some standard punctuation. That stuff is kind of hard to read...
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:23 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by ReallyStruggling View Post
I can't believe she did not think this through. My wife told me she had no idea this would happen.

I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.
I spent the first year trying trying to figure this out with my wife's affair. I finally gave up and accepted that I'll never fully understand what goes through a cheaters mind. (It's one of the primary reasons I joined this forum)

Such a huge price is paid for what? Fleeting limerence? A roll or two in the hay? How many lives and relationships are now forever changed by two peoples' selfishness and lack of self-respect? I don't get it.

If you chose reconciliation, it's a long and arduous road.

Last edited by Betrayed&Stayed; 19th January 2018 at 12:27 PM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:30 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
I spent the first year trying trying to figure this out with my wife's affair. I finally gave up and accepted that I'll never fully understand what goes through a cheaters mind. (It's one of the primary reasons I joined this forum)

Such a huge price is paid for what? Fleeting limerence? A roll or two in the hay? How many lives and relationships are now forever changed by two peoples' selfishness and lack of self-respect? I don't get it.

If you chose reconciliation, it's a long and arduous road.
There are so many people who come here wanting to understand this or that (infidelity, being dumped, etc.). When it comes to cheating, be glad you don't understand. If you did, you'd be like them.
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:42 PM   #49
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" . . . .why things happen"

Quote:
I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.
Late life hypergamy
https://therationalmale.com/2016/06/...ife-hypergamy/

Hypergamy doesn't care
https://therationalmale.com/2012/05/...y-doesnt-care/

She turned on me
https://therationalmale.com/2015/01/...-turned-on-me/
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:06 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
There are so many people who come here wanting to understand this or that (infidelity, being dumped, etc.). When it comes to cheating, be glad you don't understand. If you did, you'd be like them.
I understand, in fact I know how the doctor who fu*cked your wife did it, your wife isn't the first and won't be the last. Years ago I would have considered him a 'bad man', ' the enemy', but not anymore, he is just being a man, living up to his biological imperative

Women respond to ' game '; that Dr sees women for what they truly are, he saw your wife for what she truly is as a woman : something you are incapable of because you are 'unplugged'

We are a small percentage of men who ' just get it ' and women know us when they meet us. If you understood the female nature you would have simply divorced your wife, and never marry again, divorcing her wouldn't even be hard for you to do.
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:58 PM   #51
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Can I suggest that you send a letter saying who you are, what happened (they had an A) then leave it up to her to contact you. I would also say that it is never a good idea to send a letter to the workplace, or photo etc, remember how you felt when you found out, now imagine that happening in work, out of the blue. Same thing applies to sending photos or text messages, let her find out what she wants to know, where she chooses to deal with it, at her own pace.

The OW sent me text messages and I burned them unopened, I already knew about the A as my H told me, had I been sent a letter at work I would have literally gone to pieces, work was my sanctuary after D Day, the one place I didn't have to talk about it to anyone. Please don't send anything to her workplace.

I hope things are getting easier for you, I am 10 years after D Day and life is good for us both. it was damned hard work for us both, but he has shown over and over how sorry he is for what he did to us, especially to me. I wish you the very best x
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:56 PM   #52
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I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.

Sometimes it's just lust. Good old fashioned lust. You get two people working together in close proximity who find each other physically attractive, and if they have weak boundaries, one step leads to another and pretty soon they are having a full blown physical affair.


Sometimes it's just that simple. Your WW never meant to destroy the marriage or leave you. She probably had no intention whatsoever to ever step outside the marriage. But then a guy came along who she fancied and she let her hormones dictate her actions. She made a really bad decision to allow this creep to schmooze her and she chose to let her guard down. One bad decision followed another. She was so blinded by lust that she was not even thinking about the possible outcomes.


That is probably the closest you will get as to the "why" of what she did.
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:56 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by ReallyStruggling View Post
I can't believe she did not think this through. My wife told me she had no idea this would happen. She figured I would leave her.
She didn’t think through getting caught because that was never going to happen. She seems to care a great deal about her friends and family so she never planned to divorce you. She even thinks that you would have a great life post divorce.

Her plan was to have a guy on the side and grow old with you.

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Originally Posted by ReallyStruggling View Post
She keeps telling me that I will never be able to forgive her.
She is baiting you. She wants you to tell her that she’s wrong. Then she will start asking you when you’re going to forgive her. Once you forgive her she will use that to shut you up if you ever mention her affair again. "I thought you forgave me."

Last edited by Buckeye2; 19th January 2018 at 2:59 PM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:42 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
That is probably the closest you will get as to the "why" of what she did.
For me the reason of "Why?" boils down to this: because she wanted to

And 99% of cheaters believe they won't get caught

The rest is psycho-babble
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:47 PM   #55
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Wow, Jamess1. Thanks for taking the time to respond but just wow. I don't want to join you in that dark place. I'll stay in the light.
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:49 PM   #56
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You're probably right. I don't want to understand why but I know don't ever want to do this to my wife and family. It is a horrible, horrible thing to live with.
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:58 PM   #57
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You're probably right. I don't want to understand why but I know don't ever want to do this to my wife and family. It is a horrible, horrible thing to live with.
You know,after reading many stories on here, it really seems like there may never be a way for a bs to understand why their spouse chose to hurt them.

AT least to me, that is one of the things that is the most difficult to square in my mind. My spouse, who promised to never intentionally hurt me, decided to do just that. It's ten years out for us, and he says that is one thing he will never be bale to square in his mind either.

Almost every marriage/long term relationships has its ups and downs. Some react ( albeit usually unconsciously) by having an affair. Others don't. I don't know why. Weak boundaries, a sense of entitlement who knows?

I sometimes think it's almost becomes as if they are playing an emotional game of "chicken". They think they can handle the flirting, the "innocent" ego strokes and take it right to the edge and come back. Sandy, most don't seem to be able to, and their spouse/family ends up paying the price- mind you, a truly remorseful ws will also pay a heavy price too.
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:32 PM   #58
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Seren thank you. I agree with you. I would never send the other wife an email or letter to her office. That would be patently unfair and callous. I have her address. I sent the letter this afternoon. She should receive it tomorrow. I will email a copy to her on Monday as well. I would never send pictures or notes to her either. Again, she does not deserve that. She has my contact info if she needs further info but I will not reach out to her again. She owns what she does with the information. My wife is actually coming around to the idea that she needs to send her own letter to this woman. It would be the first thing I could be proud of her in quite some time (wow, really bad grammar)
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:50 PM   #59
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Your WW protecting the other man is nothing more than a continuation of the affair. I don't care who you think is "watching" her behavior at work, nothing will be more effective than having his WIFE monitor his comings and goings. You want her affair to be over before you can even approach the next phase of your mourning. I'm glad to read that you sent OBS the letter.

We, other betrayed husbands, know one thing is absolutely, 100% guaranteed and that is she is lying to you about pretty much everything. Her "admission" was only made after you had already figured out she was up to no good. This soon after d-day you are still in emotional shock and trying to get your world right-side-up again. You are in no condition to see her betrayal for what it is and you are very vulnerable to her gaslighting and manipulation. All I will say to you at this point is do not believe anything she says and try to limit physical contact with her. Sex and tears are a woman's primary tools to manipulate men and you really need to start seeing things clearly as you have a lot of important decisions to face in the very near future. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
Please remember, the affair has very little to do with you and your family, it's all about her feeling of entitlement and her selfishness.
Not picking on you aliveagain but I hate this "it wasn't about you" bull$hit. Many criminal statues recognize that "depraved indifference" is a crime against a person. That is to say, what a defendant might claim is an accident can be found to be an intentional act due to "depraved indifference". The reason is that indifference, by it's very nature, is directed at a person. It is intentional harm. End of TJ
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:57 PM   #60
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Alright Drifter777, I'll bite. How do I converse with my wife if everything she says is potentially a lie? I'm not into having marital relations with her at this point because it seems more like sex instead of making love.

For those of you who are successfully working on reconciling, what should I look out for? What will stand out? Everyone says actions speak louder than words. What actions? What behavior matters at this point? D-Day was 12/3.
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