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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 14th January 2018, 9:13 AM   #1
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Can't believe Im posting in this section...

So I discovered this forum years ago and used it somewhat as a venting/advice tool way back in the day.

Fast forward 9 years it looks like later since I last logged into this forum, I have been with my SO for 17 years come the 30th of this month. I got involved with a coworker back in June of 2016 and what started out as a EA turned into a full blown affair. Discovery day was one night when my SO got ahold of my phone and found texts from the OM. He was very angry and brought out a shotgun, loaded it, told me to tell the kids goodbye, pointed it at me and then threatened suicide and disapeared into the woods for a few hours.

I would not admit to sleeping with him for months, In the end of Oct 2016 I became completely clean with what I did with the OM and gave him all the details. I am recently on NO CONTACT with the OM but feel so bad for hurting everyone who I have hurt, OM included. I felt/still feel like the connection I had with him is so real and genuine even thou I have been reading a lot that this is called Affair Fog.

I told the OM we cannot have any contact at all no more, this is unhealthy, its not fair to him, myself, my SO , or my family. I think he feels like i ripped a rug out from under his feet which in a way I guess you could say I did because I did a 180 degree change over a few days. I had tryed to end it so many times been kept getting pulled back in. The extreme depression that I feel is because of what I have done and never in a million years would have thought I could lower myself to doing this. The OM tells me I deserve better and that I blame myself because I am the victim and its from years of conditioning.

Yes I was beaten quite severely for years but it was always when he was drunk. He did not beat me since 2012 when I became pregnant with our first child(we now have 2 children). So that is a good sign right? He shoved me once and came at me when I was pregnant with our 2nd child and i tryed to call 911 , first time i ever tryed to call and report him for abuse, (2015) and he called his mom she rushed over and said " Do you realize what you almost did?" "you could have ruined his life". The resentment from that and years of abuse had been building for years and years. He still does not have a drivers licence, Never had a job , and was extremely antisocial and not involved with kids school stuff until DD of my affair. He once went into the woods to avoid the speech therapist when they came to work with our oldest. She never met him once and she came once a week for a year.

I know im only listing pieces of what I can think of right now, But I feel soooooooo lost. And I do also believe in forgiveness and he has said he forgives me for what I did so why am i having so much trouble forgetting/forgiving what he did to me. My AP ground it into my head over and over and over that you never hit a woman and there is no excuse. But You know what I feel like maybe all the past abuse I recieved was like Karma getting me back before I had a affair.

Sometimes I wish so much I could go back in time and had just left at the first sign of abuse when he stomped on my ribs on his bathroom floor when I had just first moved in with him.

Now even after writing all of this I feel so bad because Im talking about the past mistakes my SO did when I feel he is making real changes now. AP told me its all a act and isnt real but I REALLY feel it IS real changes. And he also tells me my life is in danger every day that I stay home but I do not feel that way, I am not afraid of my SO. He is such a loving father, just was very antisocial but is now going to teh school things and family functions.

Sorry if this post is all over the place and a mess, but my head is pretty all over the place and a mess to.... I feel so ashamed, lost, disgusted with myself.
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:33 AM   #2
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Yeah, having an affair was a bad thing to do.

However, are you aware that one of the major causes of death for women is being murdered by jealous abusive partners?

You don't need to be in touch with your AP right now but you DO need to be in touch with a local support group for battered spouses, people that can talk to you about what the warning signs are, whether you're really in danger or not, how to evaluate whether your spouse REALLY IS working on his issues or whether he's just biding his time, and how to help you get out if you need to get out. (Leaving is absolutely the most dangerous time for an abusive relationship. It's when a jealous and raging man thinks that he's definitely lost his 'property' that he's most likely to decide to turn murderous.)

If you did leave your partner, going straight to the AP would be the worst thing to do. Leave him out of it for now. Focus on you and the kids.

Your head is a confused place right now. You're not sure whether things are terrible or whether you've just been lead to believe that. You NEED to talk to someone OUTSIDE the whole 'affair' situation. Stay away from the OM, get counseling.
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:53 AM   #3
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Having an affair never fixes a problem. It just makes what was bad
before worse and then adds in new problems that were never
there before.

Your OM is a lying cheating snake. They cheat with you
they will cheat on you. If this type of man that you want
for a husband and a role model for your children?

You do not make it clear that your BH has stopped beating
you. There is no justification for that. If you want to stay married
you have to do many things.

IC for you and your BH. He must get help to end his abuse of you.
You to realize that affairs are wrong and you having one, the blame
is all on you.

As to feel bad for the OM. He is a thief that tried to sneak behind
a man's back and steal his wife. His "pain" is his just compensation
for his crime.
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Old 14th January 2018, 1:07 PM   #4
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I do plan on going to counseling. Waiting to get my taxes back so I can afford it at the moment. SO is afraid that if I go to counseling they will try and *turn* me against him.
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Old 14th January 2018, 1:23 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
Having an affair never fixes a problem. It just makes what was bad
before worse and then adds in new problems that were never
there before.

Your OM is a lying cheating snake. They cheat with you
they will cheat on you. If this type of man that you want
for a husband and a role model for your children?

You do not make it clear that your BH has stopped beating
you. There is no justification for that. If you want to stay married
you have to do many things.

IC for you and your BH. He must get help to end his abuse of you.
You to realize that affairs are wrong and you having one, the blame
is all on you.

As to feel bad for the OM. He is a thief that tried to sneak behind
a man's back and steal his wife. His "pain" is his just compensation
for his crime.

We are not married actually, SO wants to marry me now... after discovery of the affair. Also he wants a 3rd child now... I will not marry him or bring another child into this situation. SO is not beating me now, no. Unless you count the one time he shoved me and kinda charged at me pregnant with our 2nd child, or count the gun. He has not layed a actual hitting hand on me since 2012. I know affairs are wrong and bad, I do not want to do that anymore or ever again, it is truely destorying my soul. I was even a little suicidal for awhile.
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Old 14th January 2018, 1:25 PM   #6
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Welcome back....

How recently was complete no contact established?

When was the last physical interaction?

What's your goal? To reconcile your [relationship]? [Split up]? I ask because the Infidelity forum is for people currently in affairs or currently being affected by a spouse's or partner's affair. Do you feel you're still currently in an affair?

Is the OM single?

I see the past/present affair and marital abuse as separate issues. Your H is responsible for abusing you. You are responsible for the affair. IMO, you both would benefit from individual professional help in those areas and then see a MC to decide whether or not to reconcile the [relationship]. TBH, accept your recount as accurate, I'd have a hard time forgiving years of abuse and moving forward. Possible, sure.

Couple things about counseling (we had MC when I was in MM mode)....

1. In IC you are the client. All else is irrelevant. That means if your goal is to recover your emotional health from years of abuse, the psych will work towards that goal even if it ends your marriage. In that process, generally, the marriage is irrelevant.

2. In MC the marriage is the client. Both you and H are tasked by the psych to work for the benefit of the marriage. If unable or unwilling, the psych will generally work to protect the health of the marriage, even if the end result is divorce.

3. I'd seek a professional clinical psychologist who has experience in abuse since recovery from that and acceptance of then and now is key to health to both move on from this affair and to have a healthy marriage moving forward.

Good luck!
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Old 14th January 2018, 1:46 PM   #7
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Pointing a loaded gun at you is unforgivable in my opinion.
If anyone did that to me I'd report it to the police and get as far away from them as I could. Your OM is right your life is in danger.
Please get help!!
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Old 14th January 2018, 2:10 PM   #8
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OK, lilbo,

First things first. You must leave you SO, now. No one deserves to be beat, or threatened. THE fact you state this has gone on for some time, and I believe that it is now, as this does not stop until the abuser is removed, show that you life and kids life are in danger. Your AP is right, and is on the side of the angels in this narrow case. Your affair was wrong, but you should not lose your life over it. Leave now. There is nothing in your "relationship" to save. Go to your AP, or better yet, go to a shelter, and keep your self and kids safe.

This is a case, where the affair, is masking what the real issue is. YOU ARE GETTING ABUSED. Will you not act until he starts in on the kids?

I really wish you luck, as in you case your life, and that of your kids depends on what you do next.
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Old 14th January 2018, 2:16 PM   #9
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To me the infidelity should really be taking a back seat to the fact that you're in a very abusive and volatile relationship.
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Old 14th January 2018, 3:28 PM   #10
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Please leave your SO sweetheart xx No-one deserves to live in fear and some things simply can't be forgotten.
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Old 14th January 2018, 4:39 PM   #11
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So you married a sucky loser man and your response to this was to stay with him and start an affair?

This is all on you, lady.
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Old 14th January 2018, 4:42 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs rubble View Post
Pointing a loaded gun at you is unforgivable in my opinion.
If anyone did that to me I'd report it to the police and get as far away from them as I could. Your OM is right your life is in danger.
Please get help!!
Leaving her husband would probably be too boring to her.
Not enough drama.

Bet money she wont stay NC with the lover. And she wont leave loser H either.
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Old 14th January 2018, 10:16 PM   #13
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Okay. Your relationships with your SO and this other guy are not the important thing here. The safety of you and your children are the first and foremost concerns. I think you need to get hooked up with an organization that will help you with this. Maybe there are domestic abuse hotlines or planned parenthood or your doctor or minister or priest or lawyer or somebody who can help you more than people on the internet. And I would document everything. This isn’t a case of whether this guy or that guy is better. This is a case of you need to make the best life for you and your kid(s). And stay alive.

Also...to clarify... you said your SO never had a job. So how are you guys supporting yourselves. Are you supporting the whole family or what? I’m asking because if you need to leave... what is the situation? But whatever the situation, you really need to talk to a professional who is trustworthy, extremely competent and local. You need to protect yourself and your children first and foremost. And maybe later if you guys have had some counseling and resolved things you can stay together or not or whatever. But that is way down the line after you have ensured the safety of you and your kids.

Last edited by Veronica73; 14th January 2018 at 10:17 PM.. Reason: And don’t just leave without making a plan. My sister did that with her abusive husband and ended up dead.
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Old 14th January 2018, 10:22 PM   #14
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And Im not trying to freak you out. But I really think you need help from professionals, not random internet people.
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Old 15th January 2018, 12:01 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Welcome back....

How recently was complete no contact established?

When was the last physical interaction?

What's your goal? To reconcile your [relationship]? [Split up]? I ask because the Infidelity forum is for people currently in affairs or currently being affected by a spouse's or partner's affair. Do you feel you're still currently in an affair?

Is the OM single?

I see the past/present affair and marital abuse as separate issues. Your H is responsible for abusing you. You are responsible for the affair. IMO, you both would benefit from individual professional help in those areas and then see a MC to decide whether or not to reconcile the [relationship]. TBH, accept your recount as accurate, I'd have a hard time forgiving years of abuse and moving forward. Possible, sure.

Couple things about counseling (we had MC when I was in MM mode)....

1. In IC you are the client. All else is irrelevant. That means if your goal is to recover your emotional health from years of abuse, the psych will work towards that goal even if it ends your marriage. In that process, generally, the marriage is irrelevant.

2. In MC the marriage is the client. Both you and H are tasked by the psych to work for the benefit of the marriage. If unable or unwilling, the psych will generally work to protect the health of the marriage, even if the end result is divorce.

3. I'd seek a professional clinical psychologist who has experience in abuse since recovery from that and acceptance of then and now is key to health to both move on from this affair and to have a healthy marriage moving forward.

Good luck!
No contact i started last monday, 100%, when i went to my first break I booked it for a new different area and he tryed to chase after me, many people witnessed it. After break he was in my area and asked me what was wrong, and I said im done can't do this no more no more at all, in front of co workers only 3 others but they already know about the situation and how I have tryed to make it stop repeatedly. Then after that my one co worker went up to a supervisor and informed them. Next day, which would be monday night my tuesday, he appeared outside of my car wanting to talk. I told him no this isnt healthy I am not doing this. So that would be final no more exchange of words or anything since last monday night. He does NOT take no for a answer.

Last physical interaction was Oct 19th. He is single, has been single for 10 years since his divorce.

I feel like the only reason the gun was brought out is because that was DD of the affair. That was I think like july 11th or so.
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