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I had an affair


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd January 2018, 6:34 PM   #1
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I had an affair

I did and I know it was wrong. I was found out and have been paying for it for three years now. It was a time when I had really bad mental problems. I blamed my husband at the time even tho I know it wasn’t his fault. I have very low self esteem and depression. I met an old coworker online one day. Didn’t really know him but when we worked together the girls used to talk about how handsome he was. He started flirting and I told him I was married.

Weeks later he came back and started telling me how beautiful I was. I was so flattered he would choose me over those other girls. We flirted for months then sexting and sharing pictures. I felt safe cause he was overseas. Well one day he just showed up. I was panicked and felt trapped. Well we had sex twice while he was here and once more a few months later. In person he wasn’t so charming. The sex was awful. He’s a big man well over 6 foot. But when the clothes came off his penis was very much smaller than in his pictures he sent. Basically no forplay and he had erectile dysfunction and had to masterbate frequently. I felt used.

But afterward he texted and bragged how great the sex was. I just couldn’t tell him he sucked. So I said it was “good”. That sent him off bragging how he “tore it up” which is true cause it hurt very much. I guess it’s different for guys. He didn’t even ejaculate that I can remember. I sure didn’t get anything out of it. The affair lasted almost two years. The first part I really liked him. I liked the kudos not the sex. Time went on and he wanted video chat so he could masterbate. He would hound me for pictures until I gave in.

The last year I hated the affair. He made me feel cheap and humiliated. But I could never say no. I wanted to end it but just couldn’t say the words. I hoped he would lose interest. But he always popped back up. By then I didn’t even like the guy. I don’t know if I was scared, or if my head just wouldn’t let me believe this guy was using me, or what. But I got caught. And my husband was crushed. At the same time I felt a huge relief that it was over. I wanted it to end so badly but I was to much of a coward. My question is has anyone else had an experience like mine? I read about this great affair sex others have but not in my case. It was degrading and I never wanted it to begin with. Yet I did it. And I felt awful about it. But I went back and got humiliated two more times. I don’t understand why he thought it was so great. He was a divorced 45 year old man.

The third time we had sex he asked how it was. I told him I had better at home. His mouth dropped and he yelled at me “you know it was good!” The third time I hurt for a long time after it was over. But I told the truth, my husband is better by far. But that didn’t stop him from texting later telling me how great it was. And every text message after that the first thing he would ask was how good he was in bed. I would just say good to keep him happy.

Looking back I realize just how stupid this whole thing was. I just wanted to feel pretty. And for a few month I really felt I was. How dumb I was to fall for it. Anyway I must quit rambling. Just wondering if anyone else had a bad affair also. Please don’t beat me up. I already know it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want it to go as far as it did. It got out of control and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t know why.

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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:01 PM   #2
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it sounds to me like you were both using each other. if you don't mind a piece of advice that will really help you in the long term, it's this.

Don't blame this man for your cheating, as that may well drive the wedge between you and your husband that will never go. Juts as it would be foolish for this om to whine about how you lured or seduced him and he couldn't say "no", you kept the affair going because you wanted to.

The sooner you accept that, the sooner you take your power back. You will be able to start making better decisions, and figure out why you cheated in the first place.

I don't think you are a terrible person or doomed to cheat over and over...I think you are someone who has a lot of perosnal issues, which contributed to some bad choices. Knowing that, what will you do to move forward into the future?

In a way, this could be an opportunity to you to work on the things in your life that are making you unhappy. If your husband is willing, it can also be a chnace, once he has healed and sees you working hard to make personal changes, to come together to make your marriage as great as it can be a build a strong foundation.

Leave this guy, and the motives behind what he did, in the rear view mirror. it really doesn't matter, and wasting mental energy on it will keep you in a place you don't want to be.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:07 PM   #3
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Well one of our posters here...

Well one of our posters here... had a similar experience. The sex was awful. MidnightBlue is her user name. You can read her threads.

It does not happen too often, it is usually the reason these things start.

The woman want more attention than she is getting at home, she likes the flattery and she will give it up to keep that fantasy alive.

But just think how hard it would have been if the sex was great.

So what did your husband do and are you reconciling.

More importantly, do you know how to reconcile.

If you don't know then start reading the McDonald book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".

That is the first thing you need to read.

I guess you have learned your lesson, about your affair, but what about your marriage.

And BTW, your husband does not believe that the sex was awful and he probably never will. You know you have emasculated him to the core, don't you?

Start reading and start putting your life back together. It can be done...
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:35 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Gina70 View Post
I did and I know it was wrong. I was found out and have been paying for it for three years now. It was a time when I had really bad mental problems. I blamed my husband at the time even tho I know it wasn’t his fault. I have very low self esteem and depression. I met an old coworker online one day. Didn’t really know him but when we worked together the girls used to talk about how handsome he was. He started flirting and I told him I was married.
...

I always find myself wondering how someone who embarks on an affair has "low-self-esteem". I think saying it is a cop-out, and that the problem really is the opposite. I mean, you may have wanted more validation. But the real problem is that you FELT ENTITLED to go do what you did--step outside your marriage--to get that validation. You felt deep down that you personally deserved to have MORE than you really did deserve to have--OM as well as your marriage to get your ego kibbles, the hell with your husband and the vows you took and his feelings.

Your husband is probably furious with you at the moment, and rightfully so. You still seem to be not getting it, seeming more concerned about YOUR pain. Do you even get your H's devastation after his entire world got torn apart. You don't mention that in your post. I am also wondering how things would have gone down if the sex were truly good.

Meanwhile you do need to dig deeper into your why's, why you felt it was OK for you to betray your husband as you did.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 11:43 PM   #5
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Gina
It is now time for you to be very resolute and dedicated to building up your self-integrity and character. Get all the help that you can get from every source; family, faith, friends, professionals, etc.


You tell us that the reason you betrayed your marriage was that you have low self-esteem and wanted to have someone tell you that you are pretty. You must never allow yourself to sell yourself so cheaply ever again. That means that you must be very determined for a very long time to take the right actions so that your character and integrity rules your life rather than succumbing to low self-esteem. Just about everyone I know has had some low self-esteem at some time in their life so make sure that low self-esteem is always overruled by your determination to follow your morals, integrity, and good character.


This forum can be of some help but in the end you are the one that must take the intuitive to get the right help and take the right actions for a very long time. You can take this advice and act or you can continue to feel ďcheap and humiliatedĒ

Millions of women have gotten a LOT better and so can you!
Do not cop-out on yourself.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:19 AM   #6
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My wife had an affair like yours. She soaked up all these sweet nothings, and then kept a journal detailing how much she hated the sex and was grossed out by him, and disgusted with herself. She kept asking herself why she would allow this to keep going.

When I caught her, she lied and tried to tell me he was someone else, someone handsome and successful, because she was ashamed of who she was with.

Even in their emails about me, she spoke relatively highly of me. I think just to sort of let him know that she knew he was not better than me.

The whole thing was pathetic.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:42 AM   #7
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@TB so what she spoke highly of you? she still went for another test drive..sure sounds pathetic.. are you still with the same wife? just curious, you dont have to answer if you dont want to.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:58 AM   #8
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So it has been 3 years... what have you done to repair the damage you caused to your marriage? How is your husband d feeling about it now - there is no mention of him...


Have you done counseling for your low self esteem?

How can you be sure you won't do it again when the next guy pays attention to you...?
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:38 AM   #9
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You were found out. By your husband ? Even after 3 years, it seems like you havenít made any progress. Are you divorced? Reconciling?
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:46 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
I always find myself wondering how someone who embarks on an affair has "low-self-esteem". I think saying it is a cop-out, and that the problem really is the opposite. I mean, you may have wanted more validation. But the real problem is that you FELT ENTITLED to go do what you did--step outside your marriage--to get that validation. You felt deep down that you personally deserved to have MORE than you really did deserve to have--OM as well as your marriage to get your ego kibbles, the hell with your husband and the vows you took and his feelings.

Your husband is probably furious with you at the moment, and rightfully so. You still seem to be not getting it, seeming more concerned about YOUR pain. Do you even get your H's devastation after his entire world got torn apart. You don't mention that in your post. I am also wondering how things would have gone down if the sex were truly good.

Meanwhile you do need to dig deeper into your why's, why you felt it was OK for you to betray your husband as you did.
I agree plus the low self esteem always makes them go for the good looking men. One would think if you have self esteem problems you wouldn't think you were good enough to get involved with a good looking person. People need so much validation these days.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:56 AM   #11
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Why is it that cheaters think everything should go back to normal after the fact. Like it’s no big deal that they lied and broke their promise to their spouse/SO.

It doesn’t matter how long after the fact, some people never get over the pain, hurt, lying and the big FU.
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Old 4th January 2018, 10:44 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Gina70 View Post
The sex was awful
I felt used.
I sure didnít get anything out of it.
The affair lasted almost two years.
The last year I hated the affair. He made me feel cheap and humiliated.
It was degrading and I never wanted it to begin with.

I didnít want it to go as far as it did. It got out of control and I couldnít stop it. I donít know why.
I'll never understand why individuals who say the affair is so bad, keep it going. In this case for nearly 2 years. Mostly I hear this from women. Maybe being a man is why I don't get. To use Dr Phil's line: "What was your payoff?" If it was sooo bad, you had to be receiving something in return. What was it?

You've had 3-5 years to self-reflect and work on yourself; and yet you still don't know why.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:55 PM   #13
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Didnít really know him but when we worked together the girls used to talk about how handsome he was. I was so flattered he would choose me over those other girls.
The above is validation on steroids. Not only are you getting attention but your peers would be envious of you.

I think some people consider themselves so lucky that they canít pass it up even if they werenít looking for it. Itís like a bag of money falling out or an armored car in front of them. They didnít need the money and would never steal but they would feel foolish passing it up.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:12 PM   #14
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@TB so what she spoke highly of you? she still went for another test drive..sure sounds pathetic.. are you still with the same wife? just curious, you dont have to answer if you dont want to.
Believe me... she didn't earn any brownie points with me for speaking highly of me while in bed with an idiot from work.

I only brought it up to highlight that there are some affairs that happen for reasons OTHER than just "taking a test drive" or that some OM is a better option. Many women, particularly those with self esteem issues, often have to tolerate having sex with someone they don't really like in order to keep the compliments and the attention and adoration coming, which is really what they feed on.


Yes, for the sake of the children we worked at getting to the bottom of why she did what she did, and we reconciled. It was a long, slow, painful process that I would never have even considered had we not had young kids.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:28 PM   #15
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The above is validation on steroids. Not only are you getting attention but your peers would be envious of you.

I think some people consider themselves so lucky that they canít pass it up even if they werenít looking for it. Itís like a bag of money falling out or an armored car in front of them. They didnít need the money and would never steal but they would feel foolish passing it up.
This an interesting point.

Many, if this scenario happened to them,would pick up the bag of cash and return it, as to keep it would still be stealing.

The same goes for flattery and validation. Some married people can accept it with a "thank you" but never let it go any further or encourage more. Others will feel it's not appropriate and shut it down. Still others will keep feeding into the situation and let it continue, all the while saying " I don't know how this happened".
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