LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

How often are we wrong


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree285Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd September 2016, 12:40 PM   #61
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,821
Quote:
Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.
Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.
If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.
?
If you really feel this way why come to LS and stir up all of this stuff in your mind? Why not just keep going and thinking as you are?
stillafool is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 12:42 PM   #62
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 20
[QUOTE=ChickiePops;7037670]I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?


But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.

I am not really interested in opening up our marriage, as I do not have any inclination to start a relationship with another woman.
Wouldn't even know where to start, and can not imagine any woman who would believe me if I said"my wife and I have an agreement about ****ing around".
And then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.
jay12 is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 12:46 PM   #63
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckeye2 View Post
Do you realize that it’s the norm for people to keep quiet and not say anything to their friend about their spouse having an affair even when they have proof? This is even truer when they’re friends of the couple.


You have friends coming out of the woodwork to tell you. She either is or was having an affair. I don’t think that you really care down deep.


You just posted to take a poll.


I think that your wife likes you. You’re her sweet naïve lug that doesn’t have a clue. The sex once a week is probably even better than it otherwise would be because she feels that she owes that to you.


If you get proof and confront her you have made it quite clear that you will still stay with her. The sex may not be as good then.


Instead of being seen as the trusting guy that doesn’t have a clue to friends and family you will be the guy that stayed married to his wife after years of her fooling around.


Do nothing. Stay her sweet naïve lug. Enjoy the sex.
I imagine those friends didn't want to say anything to him about his wife; but have probably watched the two of them for a while and were wondering if OP even had a clue by his inaction. It probably sickened them to the point that they had to say something to OP.
stillafool is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 12:47 PM   #64
Established Member
 
aliveagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Just East of the Rockies
Posts: 3,204
Jay there are many things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men would be at the top of my list. Things can be replaced, unbreaking your vows not so easy. The least you should do is talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and how to protect your things. You have 61 responses of advice, almost all telling you the same thing. What are going to do with the advice?
aliveagain is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 12:54 PM   #65
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 601
I suggest addressing the elephant in the room now. It's better now than later. I read another thread recently, not sure if it was here, where a BH waited 35 years to confront, and due to the decades of stewing over it, he wound up leaving even though WW was all about R. My point is, as long as you are wondering about it, the longer you go without commenting it, the more resentment you wind up with.

I wish you luck.
GoldenR is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 12:55 PM   #66
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,835
Quote:
Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
I do know that the two girls have absolutely no idea that I have suspicions about their mother. I am close to both of them and we talk a lot.
It would be a shock that would crumble their world if I was to tell them any of this.
Don't be so sure. They may know themselves but not say anything to you.

They may have seen what she does over the years... And learned from you to just stay silent.

Most likely they noticed... Most likely they've said nothing.

This is the example you set for them.

You are the willing victim. Have you ever explored that concept with a counselor?
S2B is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 1:05 PM   #67
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,835
What are the dynamics of the friendship with the guy who was accused of an affair with your wife?

What does that friendship look like for you? What does he say when you're with him?
S2B is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 1:08 PM   #68
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 779
Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
Don't be so sure. They may know themselves but not say anything to you.

They may have seen what she does over the years... And learned from you to just stay silent.

Most likely they noticed... Most likely they've said nothing.

This is the example you set for them.

You are the willing victim. Have you ever explored that concept with a counselor?
Read this again over and over and let it sink in Jay. You are a shining example to your daughters. So now if they wind up with a cheater, they will do what you taught them as a parent, stay silent. Let it happen. Don't rock the boat. Just continue on as if nothing is wrong.

People keep saying this, obviously you posted here for a reason. It's eating away at you. Why wouldn't it?

Can you answer this please, are you fine with it if she has slept with other men throughout your marriage? Are you totally cool with this?
T-16bullseyeWompRat is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 1:08 PM   #69
Established Member
 
Buckeye2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 658
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
I imagine those friends didn't want to say anything to him about his wife; but have probably watched the two of them for a while and were wondering if OP even had a clue by his inaction. It probably sickened them to the point that they had to say something to OP.
I agree. It was so overt that they couldn't stand it any longer.
Buckeye2 is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 1:20 PM   #70
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 779
Quote:
Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
then of course their is nothing in it for any other woman.
Tell that to your wife! Obviously she found something in having sex on the side!

Dude you keep making excuses for yourself. It's bugging you, but you keep making excuses to not do anything and stand up for yourself. At least get in to individual counseling! Why do you have no faith in yourself and your resiliency? Why do you just let other walk on you? Why can't you take a stand against something that is upsetting you? These are huge issues to address. It's not like there is ever a day when it's time to stop growing as a person! There is no age limits!

How can someone who is obviously not completely apathetic, as you have built a comfortable life which takes hard work, so apathetic in THIS department? It just does not register for me. I just don't get it.
T-16bullseyeWompRat is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 1:39 PM   #71
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 195
It is understandable, that you don't want to think she is cheating cause you love her. But most signs re pointing to her cheating though. She probably cheated when you guys were young (during her party time) and realised you were clueless, so she had no real threat that would make her stop.

You mentioned your marriage is sexless. In most cases, it is because someone is usually getting sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, your "friend" sounds like a dirtbag that constantly cheats on his wife. If he betrays his wife, why wouldn't he betray you?
CupCakess is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 1:53 PM   #72
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3,333
Maybe I am wrong, but I do get the sense that the op loves his wife, and facing the fact that she is cheating on him is really hard for him to do.

I understand the feeling. it's a hard thing to face that the person you love, and who you thought loves you, would treat you in this way.

Either that, or the op is the type of person to whom fidelity isn't that important in a partner.


Op, either way, if I were in your shoes, I would talk to her. That way, you know where you stand. if she is cheating, or if she has, you will have your concern addressed and then the two of you can move on in whatever way is best for you both.

If you are okay with her having sex outside of your marriage, then once again, you'll both know where you stand, and you can begin to craft and understanding about what an open marriage will look like for both of you. It could also include you sleeping with other women outside of your marriage, if that is something you want to do.

As it stands right now, the level of disrespect she is showing your marriage and commitment is troubling. That she can lie to your face on go on in her life while sleeping around is also troubling. I don't know how you can trust someone who would do that for this long with so little scruples about doing so. Someone who is a serial ws doesn't tend to chnage unless faced with an overwhelming reason for doing so. Right now, she doesn't have one.
__________________
"“there’s no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religion… just decency.”-R.M.

Last edited by wmacbride; 2nd September 2016 at 2:00 PM..
wmacbride is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 2:06 PM   #73
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by CupCakess View Post
It is understandable, that you don't want to think she is cheating cause you love her. But most signs re pointing to her cheating though. She probably cheated when you guys were young (during her party time) and realised you were clueless, so she had no real threat that would make her stop.

You mentioned your marriage is sexless. In most cases, it is because someone is usually getting sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, your "friend" sounds like a dirtbag that constantly cheats on his wife. If he betrays his wife, why wouldn't he betray you?
Actually our marriage is not sexless and we still usually have sex at least once a week, some times more when we are on vacation or week days when we are less stressed due to work.
Friend is likely a dirtbag based on how he treated his wife and kids when spending time at bars looking for other women.
jay12 is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 2:10 PM   #74
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
Maybe I am wrong, but I do get the sense that the op loves his wife, and facing the fact that she is cheating on him is really hard for him to do.

If you are okay with her having sex outside of your marriage, then once again, you'll both know where you stand, and you can begin to craft and understanding about what an open marriage will look like for both of you. It could also include you sleeping with other women outside of your marriage, if that is something you want to do.

As it stands right now, the level of disrespect she is showing your marriage and commitment is troubling. That she can lie to your face on go on in her life while sleeping around is also troubling. I don't know how you can trust someone who would do that for this long with so little scruples about doing so. Someone who is a serial ws doesn't tend to chnage unless faced with an overwhelming reason for doing so. Right now, she doesn't have one.
Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.
The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.
jay12 is offline  
Old 2nd September 2016, 2:42 PM   #75
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 8,169
Quote:
Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
Yes of course I still love my wife, and no I am not interested in sex with other women. Also if I was to suspect that she was in a current relationship outside our marriage, I would step in to halt it.
The last suspected time that she had sex with another man is now 2 years ago.
Why should anyone, including your W, think that you would step in to halt an affair? You haven't in 25 years, why would anyone think you would now?

That's why she has been screwing around like a single woman for 25 years - because she can.
oldshirt is offline  
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wrong place, wrong time. lunat1ccc Long-Distance Relationships 5 18th August 2012 2:31 PM
Do u ever always happen to do the wrong thign at the wrong time? emotionsmessmeup Dating 2 7th March 2005 5:07 PM
I blamed him all along, and he was wrong...But today, I realized that I AM WRONG!! amanda25 Second Chances 5 1st July 2004 8:27 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:55 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.