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How often are we wrong


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd September 2016, 10:44 AM   #46
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Whatever floats your boat OP..but I would highly recommend using condoms if you're going to ignore your wife's cheating. STI's are rampant these days and you have no idea how many other partners she has or whether she's being safe with them (I mean..if it was semen in her underwear then obviously she's not).
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Old 2nd September 2016, 10:46 AM   #47
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Whatever floats your boat OP..but I would highly recommend using condoms if you're going to ignore your wife's cheating. STI's are rampant these days and you have no idea how many other partners she has or whether she's being safe with them (I mean..if it was semen in her underwear then obviously she's not).
Or prego from ol Sancho's kid back in the day. Pretty clear she isn't using protection.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 10:46 AM   #48
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It's maybe a combination of not wanting to really believe it along with losing half of everything in a divorce plus paying alimony.
Currently I have a comfortable life with sex weekly and no current wandering happening.
If I was to suddenly start the process of digging everything up and confronting her, life could be less desirable.

You might wind up opting for the comfort of the status quo; people very likely make that choice fairly often and it's their life, their choice to make.


But I don't think you're as okay with all of this as some posters believe. I don't think you'd be here if that was the case. This is (quite justifiably) bugging the sh*t out of you.


Hand in hand with being reluctant to let go of the status quo is fear. Fear of a messy divorce, fear of finding love afterwards, fear of the impact on the kids, fear of financial hardship, etc. It's very tough to make sound decisions in the presence of fear, so my advice is to go through the process of losing the fear. Spend some time contemplating the worst case scenarios, understanding that whatever happens, however much it may suck, you'll be okay. That you can handle it.


Then, in the absence of fear, decide whether this is the life you want or whether you deserve better.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 10:59 AM   #49
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Even IF you had a smoking gun now - would you change and confront her?

You've had that smoking gun many times throughout the years but didn't do one thing to change things. You think you might change things now? I don't think so.

You seem to have your basic needs covered and that looks like it enough for you not to look for the truth. Am I right?


Over the years - why haven't you asked your best friend?
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:06 AM   #50
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You are absolutely right, fear is the driving force here. I am to old to start over financially and any thought of a somewhat comfortable retirement would be swept out with the costs of the divorce and the subsequent support costs.
I really don't think she is active with anyone else currently, and life is pretty good.
If we hashed everything out and then decided to stay together, I am not sure how much further ahead would we be than where we are right now.
You have to understand, this has been my life for 25 years, and it has been 95% good.
Also, we are both aging, and that also seems to make a difference.
She did make a comment last year or so regarding how we are getting older and our wilder days are behind us.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:12 AM   #51
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Even IF you had a smoking gun now - would you change and confront her?

You've had that smoking gun many times throughout the years but didn't do one thing to change things. You think you might change things now? I don't think so.

You seem to have your basic needs covered and that looks like it enough for you not to look for the truth. Am I right?


Over the years - why haven't you asked your best friend?
I still see him and his wife occasionally and it would just not be a good conversation as he would just deny it, since we both know he has had sex with any lady who would let him yet he denies that as well. My concern would be that the conversation would be a hot topic by a large group of our friends very quickly.
That doesn't get us anywhere.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:16 AM   #52
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I meant it would be unbearable relative to this situation.

OP's willful denial is a form of rug-sweeping. He has seemingly already forgiven her. If he wants to communicate and attempt to rebuild a relationship with his wife that's great. But if he's going to rug-sweep it; it's going to eat him alive on the inside for years. If OP is seriously not ready to do anything and rug-sweep, I cannot see how finding undeniable proof would make the situation better for him. IMO, that would be the worst outcome.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:17 AM   #53
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Will you answer my questions about where they said they went at the marina & if your group of friends naturally go off together (each time you listed you were unavailable to go with her). Would you go off (innocently) with your bf wife?

I know I'm really stretching it here but we are on an infidelity forum & he's listing a couple of moments from a life. When younger I've gone out to get more drink etc with male friends & I've NEVER cheated.

Her knickers mean nothing as another member pointed out.
Her abortion was early on. He can't remember when they had sex. Maybe at that time she wasn't sure the marriage would last.

When I first came here a lot of members jumped in saying "Of course he's cheating!" when I didn't even suggest it. They were 100% correct. I think the members here always have been correct in every case I've read but.......

Oh I know!!!
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:24 AM   #54
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You are absolutely right, fear is the driving force here. I am to old to start over financially and any thought of a somewhat comfortable retirement would be swept out with the costs of the divorce and the subsequent support costs.
I really don't think she is active with anyone else currently, and life is pretty good.
If we hashed everything out and then decided to stay together, I am not sure how much further ahead would we be than where we are right now.
You have to understand, this has been my life for 25 years, and it has been 95% good.
Also, we are both aging, and that also seems to make a difference.
She did make a comment last year or so regarding how we are getting older and our wilder days are behind us.

Dude, I know first hand about fear. I came to LS in 2009. At that point I had just "celebrated" my 25th anniversary and was 46 years old. I put "celebrated" in quotes because it suddenly became pretty obvious that things were really, really off in our marriage. It dawned on me how withdrawn my wife was, and she was saying some things that were really odd, like appearing to be concerned that I was cheating (!). I mean, where the hell did THAT come from?


I turned on-line, and some of the stuff I was finding indicated to me that an affair on HER part was a possibility. I went into an emotional tailspin, kind of a low-level panic attack that lasted for a while. Why? The kind of fear I was talking about. But I processed it and over time got rid of the fear by doing just what I suggested.


I never had enough evidence of infidelity, certainly far less than you have right now, to make a decision to end my marriage (although some it still looks kind of sketchy). I focused on my end of things instead, and Lord knows I had enough to work on. But I reached the point, and am still there, where if I had sufficient grounds I'd calmly bite the bullet and divorce, and accept the fallout.


It's a good place to be, being able to deal with these issues from a position of strength instead of fear.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:35 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by ShatteredLady View Post
Will you answer my questions about where they said they went at the marina & if your group of friends naturally go off together (each time you listed you were unavailable to go with her). Would you go off (innocently) with your bf wife?

I know I'm really stretching it here but we are on an infidelity forum & he's listing a couple of moments from a life. When younger I've gone out to get more drink etc with male friends & I've NEVER cheated.

Her knickers mean nothing as another member pointed out.
Her abortion was early on. He can't remember when they had sex. Maybe at that time she wasn't sure the marriage would last.

When I first came here a lot of members jumped in saying "Of course he's cheating!" when I didn't even suggest it. They were 100% correct. I think the members here always have been correct in every case I've read but.......

Oh I know!!!
Sorry, I missed your question about the marina. It is a huge marina with over 500 boats and it was after 2AM and everyone had beenvdrinking. I do not know wjere they ended up.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 11:51 AM   #56
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Do you realize that itís the norm for people to keep quiet and not say anything to their friend about their spouse having an affair even when they have proof? This is even truer when theyíre friends of the couple.


You have friends coming out of the woodwork to tell you. She either is or was having an affair. I donít think that you really care down deep.


You just posted to take a poll.


I think that your wife likes you. Youíre her sweet naÔve lug that doesnít have a clue. The sex once a week is probably even better than it otherwise would be because she feels that she owes that to you.


If you get proof and confront her you have made it quite clear that you will still stay with her. The sex may not be as good then.


Instead of being seen as the trusting guy that doesnít have a clue to friends and family you will be the guy that stayed married to his wife after years of her fooling around.


Do nothing. Stay her sweet naÔve lug. Enjoy the sex.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:16 PM   #57
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YOU placed this thread in the infidelity section...which means you absolutely know what she's done.

You just don't care enough to change anything.

You've made that decision long ago to keep eating that **** sandwich she keeps feeding you.

How sad.

And don't for one minute think the kids don't see what she does - kids always notice.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:26 PM   #58
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I just can't believe what I'm reading. This is unreal. That any self-respecting man would put up with this kind of disrespect just to preserve his nest-egg....
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:33 PM   #59
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I just can't believe what I'm reading. This is unreal. That any self-respecting man would put up with this kind of disrespect just to preserve his nest-egg....
I don't necessarily agree with this. Not everyone has the same priorities as you (or I, because I wouldn't, and didn't, tolerate cheating either). He has every right to be more concerned about money than about his marriage..that's his prerogative and who are we to judge him on that?


But the fact remains that he did post this thread, and he did place it in the infidelity section..so it clearly does bother him.

Jay, confronting someone about infidelity doesn't automatically mean divorce. Perhaps the two of you could discuss opening up your marriage instead. It's up to you, if you don't mind that she's sleeping with other guys (and it really, really sounds like she is), then more power to you.


But as I said, you really should go get tested for STI's, and if you are going to stay with your wife, you should either use condoms, or make sure that she uses them with the other men she's with. You're taking a huge risk if you don't.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:38 PM   #60
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
YOU placed this thread in the infidelity section...which means you absolutely know what she's done.

You just don't care enough to change anything.

You've made that decision long ago to keep eating that **** sandwich she keeps feeding you.

How sad.

And don't for one minute think the kids don't see what she does - kids always notice.
I do know that the two girls have absolutely no idea that I have suspicions about their mother. I am close to both of them and we talk a lot.
It would be a shock that would crumble their world if I was to tell them any of this.
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