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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th December 2017, 11:32 PM   #1
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Need to see if this makes sense.

Hi all,

I haven't posted here before. It's a bit of a story, but I need some advice. About 2.5 years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy at her work. It had been going on for over a year before I got wise to it. When confronted, she pledged to stop, we went to counciling for 1.5 years and slowly made some progress. We have kids, so I didn't want to break up the marriage.

During counciling, I found out the two were still talking, and he was obviously trying to restart something. I told her I was upset, even though nothing sexual happened and she needed to cut off all contact. She apparently did.

Now, we bought a new house and seemed to be doing well, but I started getting suspicious. Some late night happy hours seemed to fit the pattern from before (she does these for work, she is in sales). I started snooping and found nude selfies on her phone. She certainly doesn't send them to me. I confronted her, and she admitted she had met him 3 times. No sex, but some touching.

At this point I'm probably ready for the divorce. She wants to try to work it out. The other guy is married and has kids. I'm taking a week to try to decide and get my ducks in a row. On the off chance that I do want to try to work things out, should I contact the other guy and threaten to expose him to his wife unless he backs off? He's the one trying to initiate another relationship. Yes, my wife is very guilty as well, but does anyone think this would help or hurt?

I've read enough on this forum to know the advice is to divorce. It's difficult because of the kids that I love dearly. Sorry I didn't use the normal abbreviations, still trying to puzzle them all out.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:04 AM   #2
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If you want to reconcile, don't just threaten to expose to his wife. Do it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:07 AM   #3
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Interesting Cautious. One piece of info that I didn't share before. His wife found out about the original affair before I did. She didn't leave him then, but I don't know the details. I could contact her, do you think that is a good idea?
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:18 AM   #4
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His wife found out about the original affair before I did. She didn't leave him then, but I don't know the details. I could contact her, do you think that is a good idea?
Yes it is a good idea to tell his wife. Tell her right now without warning to the other man or your wife.

BTW, you telling the other man to end it with your wife or you will tell his wife, will be viewed by the cheater as you promising not to tell his wife as long as they are careful not to be caught by you again. It also, tells your wife that you are willing to be Plan B enough to negotiate with the man that is doing your wife; very weak.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:26 AM   #5
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You should have told his wife the first time.

By not telling her you helped them hide their affair. Thus you just enabled it.

You will get nothing by confronting him.

Do the exposure to his wife without warning of your wife will tell him and they'll conspire against you. They probably make you out yo be a jealous crazy husband.

Don't make the mistake of helping hide their affair again.

I got news for you. The affair never stopped it just went underground.

Your wife is lying they are still having sex.

Cheaters lie a lot
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:29 AM   #6
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If they work together or have any contact their affair will never stop.

You've been fed nothing but lies. You can't trust her at all.

Is that the way you want to live your life?
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:30 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Tkelly View Post
Interesting Cautious. One piece of info that I didn't share before. His wife found out about the original affair before I did. She didn't leave him then, but I don't know the details. I could contact her, do you think that is a good idea?
Always!!!!!!
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:35 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Tkelly View Post
Hi all,

I haven't posted here before. It's a bit of a story, but I need some advice. About 2.5 years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy at her work. It had been going on for over a year before I got wise to it. When confronted, she pledged to stop, we went to counciling for 1.5 years and slowly made some progress. We have kids, so I didn't want to break up the marriage.

The affair never stopped

During counciling, I found out the two were still talking, and he was obviously trying to restart something. I told her I was upset, even though nothing sexual happened and she needed to cut off all contact. She apparently did.

Nope, they just took it underground

Now, we bought a new house and seemed to be doing well, but I started getting suspicious. Some late night happy hours seemed to fit the pattern from before (she does these for work, she is in sales). I started snooping and found nude selfies on her phone. She certainly doesn't send them to me. I confronted her, and she admitted she had met him 3 times. No sex, but some touching.

You are getting lies man. They have contact they had sex. Cheaters lie a lot and you are I denial because you don't want yo believe it. Schedule a polygraph you'll see

At this point I'm probably ready for the divorce. She wants to try to work it out. The other guy is married and has kids. I'm taking a week to try to decide and get my ducks in a row. On the off chance that I do want to try to work things out, should I contact the other guy and threaten to expose him to his wife unless he backs off? He's the one trying to initiate another relationship. Yes, my wife is very guilty as well, but does anyone think this would help or hurt?

The other man is just taking what your wife is giving him but he is also a part to this

I've read enough on this forum to know the advice is to divorce. It's difficult because of the kids that I love dearly. Sorry I didn't use the normal abbreviations, still trying to puzzle them all out.
You don't want to end the marriage but your wife already did. She just didn't tell you.

You need to wake up and get out of your denial of what's really happened.

She's continuing to lie to you
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:54 AM   #9
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Just expose to the other man's wife right away. No warning to anyone.

Tell your wife to order a DNA paternity testing kit, and to pay for it with her own paycheck. Tell her together that the two of you will perform a cheek swab on each kid to determine who the father really is. Go through with the test, make her participate in it.

Have her submit to STD testing, also at her own expense. You will demand to see the test results--her word is meaningless. Explain to her that she's lost all credibility for the rest of her life, after having lied at least two times.

Contact the other man and ask him when he intends to inform HR about the workplace affair he's been conducting. Don't take any steps to inform HR yourself at this point. This might not be something you want to do in the event of a divorce (you might want your wife to stay employed).

Then meet with an attorney and file for divorce. Have your wife served with the papers at work. If she demonstrates sufficient remorse, you can stop the divorce process at any point.

Last edited by WilyWill; 26th December 2017 at 12:56 AM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:22 AM   #10
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Hi Tkelly, I guess that at the moment you are like an ostrich burying it's head in the sand. You do not w
telling you. Marc is right. The affair never stopped. You can believe what you want but the truth remains inflexible and unchangeable. You said your wife's affair was ongoing for a year but it is likely it was longer. You only know what she told you. The other thing is that she has restarted the affair after a yet and a half of counselling. That by itself indicates it was ongoing, underground all that while and also that your wife is not a whit remorseful. The chances of your being able to reconcile while she is still in the affair and is unremorseful are about as good as you winning a bumper lottery, maybe less.

Read up on the stories here and you will be able to figure out your wife's head space to a large extent. You have not given any back story about the state of your marriage and about your wife's personality as to whether she is flirty or whether she has had any affairs previously. The one thing you should have insisted on was that she change her job after you caught her the first time. If you want to give her a dose of reality then file for divorce. That will bring her down to Mother Earth in a jiffy and her behaviour post being served will give you an indication of her seriousness in trying to save the marriage. You can halt the divorce proceedings at any time before they are complete. One of the mistakes you made was to invest in a new house at this stage
It gave your wife the feeling that you had recovered from whatever distraught feelings you had and were in a happy frame of mind. That convinced her everything was hunky dory and back she went to her affair partner. You have a lot of hard, unpleasant decisions to make but make them you must. Warm wishes.
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:28 AM   #11
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As stated before, there is a very good chance the affair never stopped. Maybe just slowed while until they felt comfortable enough to continue.

It's also a good chance his wife never knew. If that information came from your wife you can always be sure it's untrue. Pretty common for them to protect the affair partner by convincing the betrayed that the other spouse already knows.

You should absolutely contact his wife.

You should demand a polygraph from your wife, the debate on reliability is irrelevant because what you're looking for is how she reacts to the idea and what additional information you can gain in her attempt to control the information.

You should start the divorce proceedings ASAP, it can always be stopped if you choose to try to reconcile. In doing so you will also gain information through her actions.

You should ask her to leave the home, but absolutely don't leave yourself.

Stop the marriage counseling right away, it's clearly not effective. Instead get into something that will help you start to separate and detach.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:46 AM   #12
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She needs to quit her job, they can't work together. Read up on the 180 and implement it, you need to distance yourself from her so your thinking clearly. Talk to a lawyer, understand your legal rights. Book a polygraph, counselling is useless if their still in contact, you need the truth. Decide if being married to a woman that will cheat on you if she thinks she can get away with it is worth it. Never stay in a bad marriage for the kids.
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Old 26th December 2017, 4:18 AM   #13
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So wait. She knew about the first time and you knew but..no divorce.

Then you found out a second time and...no divorce

Now you've found out a third time and you're still around.

So what exact consequences has she faced for her actions? She sneaks off to bang her boyfriend while you are aware and you still keep her around, so really why should she stop? She has a boyfriend, she gets naughty and exciting sex and she gets to come home to you.

What a life for her.

Oh. STDs. Get checked because they might not be using protection and you dont know where the other buddy has been...or for that matter your wife.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:26 AM   #14
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It's YOUR mindset you need to worry about at this point. Be clear: SHE did this long ago; you are just now s-l-o-w-l-y processing. Exposure should have been the consequence then and must be now. Otherwise, there are none if you just cover it up and go into denial with her.

You did not make this thing happen; they did. By telling another person who deserves and needs to know, you haven't done anything new or optional.

Believe me. I know from personal experience. You do no one any favors, least of all the perpetrators, by helping them rug-sweep. They cannot change without the full force of the truth as a living consequence of their actions.

No threats; just do it. Tell the other guy's wife and your wife's family. See the lawyer.

And to repeat: These are not things you are doing TO anyone. They are a consequence of what they did to you and to the other family long overdue. Do NOT buy any bad feelings for taking action.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:31 AM   #15
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Tell your wife to order a DNA paternity testing kit, and to pay for it with her own paycheck. Tell her together that the two of you will perform a cheek swab on each kid to determine who the father really is. Go through with the test, make her participate in it.
NEVER DO THIS. this is abusive to your children.

this is permanently destroying your relationship with your children, in the hopes of causing pain to your wife.

It doesn't matter what the test says. Even if they're 100% yours, your relationship with them is over, because they will never, ever forgive you. In their eyes, you suddenly reduced them to nothing more than objects, things that you were trying to throw away.
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