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My love of 5 years dropped a bomb on me!!


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Old 12th December 2017, 12:45 PM   #1
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My love of 5 years dropped a bomb on me!!

Hey everyone! Came here to share my story and get some advice.

Met my (now-exgirlfriend) on a visit back to my hometown, 5+ years ago. We instantly had a connection. So much so, that she moved from Michigan to LA to be with me...5 months later. She got herself settled and I had to get rid of some previous relationship baggage. Our first year or two was a rough start...but we stayed by each other. 3 years ago, we decided to move in with one another. We were massively in love to the point of talking marriage, kids and the long term She called me family. Her parents loved me, as did mine.

Then, in December of 2016, her father passed away.

He was a bad alcoholic and he suffered a head trauma from a bad fall. She was broken. Her father was her everything.

I stayed by her side. Through the rollercoaster of her trauma.

Now, she was always a social drinker. Myself as well, but less so. She was 24 when we met and I was 35. So, there in an age difference. I am now 40 and she is 29.

As the months progressed, she spiraled. Drinking heavily. Staying out all night. Going crazy with her friends. It didn't help that she worked at a bar. It was starting to tax me. The stress was weighing hard, being that I am a driven person and keep normal work hours. Her behavior spawned a handful of ugly fights, resentment and pain. But I always kept it in the back of my mind, that she was not coping with her loss properly.

It all came crashing down this past October.

I got really busy with work. She had too much time on her hands. She started taking a liking to her new bar manager. He would, of course, drink with her...knowing that I started to loathe her drinking.

Just before Halloween, she disappeared with him for 3 days and came back telling me she had an affair. She cried and pleaded that she made a mistake and begged me back. I told her she needed help.

She went back home, to bury her father's ashes 2 days later and stayed there for 2 weeks. When she returned. We laid all of our cards out and we decided to move past the affair and try again. We didn't want to lose each other.

The first couple weeks were great, but her patience in dealing with my healing over the infidelity started to wear thin quick. She started to stray. Her drinking amped up again and she retreated. She wanted me to be over the affair overnight and that was not possible.

She disappeared again, for 4 days. It was hell. Last weekend, she asked to meet me at our home to talk. She wanted to separate. When I arrived, I found them together. They were drunk and told me they were in love and she was no longer in love with me. Who does that?!! Luckily, I'm a reasonable person and not the type to start a fight!! I stayed as calm as I could and walked out with my head up.

I have since left the house, staying with friends. I plan to return when she is not home and swiftly move out. We have some unpaid bills together. I don't know what she is going to do, nor do I care right now. But she keeps texting me telling me "She loves me always and sorry it went down that way".

I am currently keeping active no contact while I maneuver out of the house to avoid drama. I plan to go full No Contact in a couple days as soon as get out.

After all of this awful behavior and emotional abuse, I still do love her. I know who she is deep down and this is not like her. The death of her father and the coupling of her heavy drinking...changed her. Turned her cold on me.

Do you guys really think she is "in love" with this guy so quickly?! A week before this happened, she told me she wanted to spend her life with me.

This has me in a state of shock. I wonder if she will regret this? Not sure if I would ever take her back unless she got help. Any positive advice?
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Old 12th December 2017, 1:28 PM   #2
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Sorry you're going through this brother. Coming in to your home to find them both there and claiming to be 'in love' is massively brutal on her part. And the guy was there too, in your home? I mean , we're all in much the same boat round here, and I genuinely have no idea how I would react if I came home to that scene.

And no, I dont think this pair even understand what love is, she is experiencing the butterflies of the honeymoon phase, through an alcoholic haze.

And this snake of a bar manager guy is taking advantage of her alcoholism and her grief. Woman are hormonanlly led, and he is plying her with alcohol and leading her by the hormones away from you.
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Old 12th December 2017, 2:37 PM   #3
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She is basically a train wreck.

The pain she felt from the loss of her father has given her a "I don't care about anyone attitude".

She doesn't really love this bar manager jerk (she may be infatuated with him). It's just that he is the perfect mirror right now for her broken state. Deep down she knows she has major issues so she is looking for someone who matches her mindset (i.e. the bar manager).

She only wants light-hearted stuff. Being in a normal relationship where people talk about serious issues etc is just too much for her right now.

Walk away. And let her lie in the bed she made for herself.
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Old 12th December 2017, 3:24 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
She is basically a train wreck.

The pain she felt from the loss of her father has given her a "I don't care about anyone attitude".

She doesn't really love this bar manager jerk (she may be infatuated with him). It's just that he is the perfect mirror right now for her broken state. Deep down she knows she has major issues so she is looking for someone who matches her mindset (i.e. the bar manager).

She only wants light-hearted stuff. Being in a normal relationship where people talk about serious issues etc is just too much for her right now.

Walk away. And let her lie in the bed she made for herself.
Thanks guys! It's nice to hear some healthy point of views. I think I am just in a pure state of shock. That is how fast it happened.

I had went back on our texts like 3-4 days before this went down and she was like: "I'm not inching away from you. I love you. You are my man. I only want to be with you. No one can steal me away from you" etc etc.!!

And of course, the way she did me...right after that is utterly mind blowing! I don't think she has had a sober/alone day to really assess everything since this happened. Today, I found out that she may be moving in with him!!! Just...speechless.
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Old 12th December 2017, 4:52 PM   #5
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Look, the question is...

Look, the question is... Do you want her back?

And if you do, why would you? She has gone off the deep end and totally disrespected you by having an affair. You are not marred. You have no kids.

You really should be glad that you found out what she is all about.

I know that you love her. I have loved a ton of women that I have broken up with.

The thing is, you can't fix crazy. You just can't. I have tried, and I am here to tell you that you can't do it.

As much as it hurts, you have to let it go. And never look back...
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:03 PM   #6
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I would proceed with getting your stuff out of the house. Sorting out joint bills...then block her. Grief is no excuse for how she treated you.
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:23 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Look, the question is... Do you want her back?

And if you do, why would you? She has gone off the deep end and totally disrespected you by having an affair. You are not marred. You have no kids.

You really should be glad that you found out what she is all about.

I know that you love her. I have loved a ton of women that I have broken up with.

The thing is, you can't fix crazy. You just can't. I have tried, and I am here to tell you that you can't do it.

As much as it hurts, you have to let it go. And never look back...
I would not use the word "want". I would have her back, only if she sought help and had a significant change. Only time will tell, and I may have moved on by then.

I wouldn't say she is "crazy" in a clinical sense...I believe she has induced an alcoholic infused haze. I just hope, one day, for the sake of her health and mind...that she wakes up and truly realizes what she has lost. I'm not perfect, but the people who were around this have reassured me that I damn sure tried my best and remained the best man to her until I was unable.
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:30 PM   #8
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Yeah, I get that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by tvpartytonight View Post
I would not use the word "want". I would have her back, only if she sought help and had a significant change. Only time will tell, and I may have moved on by then.

I wouldn't say she is "crazy" in a clinical sense...I believe she has induced an alcoholic infused haze. I just hope, one day, for the sake of her health and mind...that she wakes up and truly realizes what she has lost. I'm not perfect, but the people who were around this have reassured me that I damn sure tried my best and remained the best man to her until I was unable.
Yeah, I get that... But then I guess you don't have a lot of self respect, and no offense.

Dude, if she begged you back it would be foolish if you took her back.

And yes, the word is crazy. My guess is that she is undiagnosed bi polar and her fathers death sent her into a manic state.

The thing is that you cannot fix that. If she came back, if she goes on meds, if she stopped drinking, if she stopped seeing the new guy, if you were monitoring her 24 hours a day, if, if, if, if.

What I am telling you is I have lived this. It does not work, no matter how much you love a woman, you cannot fix her and you never will.

I spent 26 years of my life with a woman like this and it was a nightmare.

Please believe what we are telling you...
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:37 PM   #9
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Yeah, I get that... But then I guess you don't have a lot of self respect, and no offense.

Dude, if she begged you back it would be foolish if you took her back.

And yes, the word is crazy. My guess is that she is undiagnosed bi polar and her fathers death sent her into a manic state.

The thing is that you cannot fix that. If she came back, if she goes on meds, if she stopped drinking, if she stopped seeing the new guy, if you were monitoring her 24 hours a day, if, if, if, if.

What I am telling you is I have lived this. It does not work, no matter how much you love a woman, you cannot fix her and you never will.

I spent 26 years of my life with a woman like this and it was a nightmare.

Please believe what we are telling you...
Thank you and I 100% hear you. It's not that I don't have self-respect. I mean, I am packing my stuff and high tailing it out of there. Have had made ZERO attempt to get her back. It's just that it JUST happened days ago, and I feel like it has given me a bit of PTSD. I am really close with her family...and at this juncture...I just worry about her personal and mental health. That's all. Whatever with all the empty hopes of reconciliation. Yeah, I get it. It would be an uphill battle that I would most likely lose again and hurt myself further. I'm aware. I'm just in shock.
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:09 AM   #10
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I just want to say I can so feel for you.

I'm in my own version of a similar situation—you can read my posts—right down to the age difference (I'm 38, she's 26). In my case, depression struck her hard around a year ago, she spiraled into an unreachably dark place, and eventually ended up cheating on me twice, lying about it, and then going even deeper into a spiral of guilt and shame.

And yet I still love her dearly, firmly believe in the stronger her buried in the silt, and still, against all logic, wonder about a future together. But I tell myself: that's just how it's going to be for a while, and sit with that discomfort. I remind myself how exhausting it was to go through this, and how I don't want to feel that way. So I try to just observe all the mixed-up thoughts I have without judgement, while making sure I do what's best for me right now.

Anyhow, I'm so sorry what you're going through.
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:57 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by tvpartytonight View Post
Thanks guys! It's nice to hear some healthy point of views. I think I am just in a pure state of shock. That is how fast it happened.

I had went back on our texts like 3-4 days before this went down and she was like: "I'm not inching away from you. I love you. You are my man. I only want to be with you. No one can steal me away from you" etc etc.!!

And of course, the way she did me...right after that is utterly mind blowing! I don't think she has had a sober/alone day to really assess everything since this happened. Today, I found out that she may be moving in with him!!! Just...speechless.
This is actually very normal. My ex was talking about kids and dumped me a few weeks later.

So many dumpees on here report the same types of behavior.

It's not all that surprising really. Dumpers want to look like they care for you on some level but because its not genuine, they over-compensate in a big way

It's also a way for them to cope until D day (the breakup) arrives. They know they won't be able to make the breakup happen amongst lots of drama so by complimenting you and making false promises, they keep you at bay whilst they figure out how they give the news.

Its fairly selfish behavior but very common.

Last edited by marky00; 13th December 2017 at 10:02 AM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:46 PM   #12
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I don't think she's "crazy," but what this tells you is she is still immature and lacking in healthy coping mechanisms. Marriage is about working through the best and the worst, and it's up to you whether you want a partner who is emotionally strong enough to handle grief and pain and work through it when the kids are sick, etc., or someone who isn't emotionally stable. Unfortunately, she has major issues (probably because her father was an alcoholic and she didn't grow up in a healthy household), and you can't do anything about it. She has to do it, but she's still in a mindset that she's choosing to party, drink, and cheat to numb her pain instead of taking responsibility and facing her feelings. She may also be fighting genetics, as alcohol impacts some people in a way that makes them more prone to the chemical addiction component faster.

I think you're doing the right thing. In respect to her, she may be able to pull herself together, but it's going to take quite a while. Telling her that she's spiraling, not coping in a healthy way, and you hope she seeks help, then going into NC, is really all you can do. She may listen to your words (though she probably won't act on them right away), and you're showing her consequence to her inappropriate behavior by leaving. If other people are willing to call her worrisome behavior out as well, hearing it from multiple people may help it sink in. So if it won't be too hurtful for you to share your concerns with her family (if you haven't already), that may help her in the long-run, too.

And in respect to you... this is really, really unfortunate, and I'm sorry for your subsequent pain. However, as some of the other posters above said, you're lucky to find out how she deals with major life struggles before you're married than after. You don't deserve to be abused just because she's in grief. Would you have done that to her if you were in pain? I hope you're able to move on.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 13th December 2017 at 5:50 PM..
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:57 AM   #13
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Just an update. She texted me this evening to tell me this man is moving in with her (in our home) and they are planning to move away "across the state" together in the coming months. I just responded with a "Ok." I had zero intention on giving her the satisfaction of a negative response. My jaw is dropped.
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Old 14th December 2017, 6:06 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by tvpartytonight View Post
Just an update. She texted me this evening to tell me this man is moving in with her (in our home) and they are planning to move away "across the state" together in the coming months. I just responded with a "Ok." I had zero intention on giving her the satisfaction of a negative response. My jaw is dropped.
Dude what the F*CK. Shes a trainwreck, I agree with others.

Pain is NO excuse to pull this BS and i'm glad you're getting out. I'm sorry you're going through this but trust me, you are better off. She needs help and you don't deserve to ride that 'coaster with her.
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Old 14th December 2017, 8:17 AM   #15
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My ex wife was like her. Tended bar while she was in school.
Started hanging out with a co worker then admitted she was having an affair. Forgave her.
Months latter she had another affair- with a customer from the bar she was working at.
Your girl is a train wreak. Drinking or not she made a choice. Its not like she gets drunk and then decides to cheat on you. Its premeditated.She uses the drinking for an excuse.
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