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Marriage "too stable?"


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 22nd November 2017, 11:11 AM   #91
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The definition of love is not subjective. If my Fiancee was cheating on me, he could tell me he loved me until the cows came home. He can take that "love" and keep it to himself.

That's the same as "Do you believe me or your lying eyes"
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Old 22nd November 2017, 3:05 PM   #92
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
I make a tad bit more than BS. Maybe 10% more. He and OM, i would say at about the same income. May i ask the relevance?


If you make the same income as him then you are not worried about losing your source of income when he finds out and divorces you. That is one reason you won't stop the affair.


When your husband leaves you, you don't need to rely on the OM for any kind of financial support. You are free to carry on doing what you are doing.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 3:15 PM   #93
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cullenbohannon View Post
The definition of love is not subjective. If my Fiancee was cheating on me, he could tell me he loved me until the cows came home. He can take that "love" and keep it to himself.

That's the same as "Do you believe me or your lying eyes"
Well, when someone is telling me they "love me" yet they are betraying me with their actions - that's when "I" get to decide "I" don't need their brand of "love".

That's not love to me...

I have a boundary and "I" enforce it - when people in my life betray me with actions vs words I discontinue that particular and peculiar type of "love".
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Old 22nd November 2017, 3:19 PM   #94
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
Well, when someone is telling me they "love me" yet they are betraying me with their actions - that's when "I" get to decide "I" don't need their brand of "love".

That's not love to me...

I have a boundary and "I" enforce it - when people in my life betray me with actions vs words I discontinue that particular and peculiar type of "love".
That is what I think! How people can separate their lives, intimacy and all..."Honey, I love you dearly but.... just not THAT way."
Thats a big NOPE.
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Old 14th December 2017, 11:04 PM   #95
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I can see why you have so many mixed emotions. It sounds like even though you and your husband get along, that you went through a very difficult season with infertility. I'm sorry you went through it. It really takes a toll on a marriage. Emotions are so fleeting, and when they have to be buried, it's even more difficult. I would encourage you to talk with a counselor to sort it all out and be honest with your husband. Dishonesty and betrayal are never okay within a marriage, and will come out eventually. I wish you the best~





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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
I guess i should start at the beginning. I'm a 32F married for 9 years, no kids. Last year we tried doing the fertility thing but no luck. My husband and i got frustrated and i supposed we drifted apart emotionally for a while.

Then an old college acquaintance entered the picture. We are all from a different country so it was nice to get in touch with someone from the same place. The OM Is engaged (together with her for 5 years)and due to visa reasons he's been apart from his fiancee for about a year.

We started catching up on facebook and met up with other people from our place. My husband was there of course. I admit i felt the chemistry between us right away and even my DH commented on it. I assured him there was no history which is the truth.

The innocent catching up messages soon began to get flirty. I admit i liked the attention after that emotional disconnect from DH. And if i guess correctly the OM was lonely as he was living alone in a different country for the past year.

One night about a month later when DH was out, our messages began getting sexual. It was something I couldn't resist. Yes, I should've controlled myself but I didn't. It progressed to more of that until we finally decided to meet up in person after another month. We kept saying it was so we can see how we feel for each other because the chemistry and attraction was so strong. And we believed to connect like this with another person after a long time is rare. But who are we kidding. I know there was a lot of underlying sexual energy and we both wanted to explore that.

He lives 4 hours away and so he drove here. We spent the day together and it felt so natural. No awkwardness or anything. It was amazing.

We communicated almost daily as much as my schedule allowed. We talked about anything and everything. I know people say this all the time but we felt so connected, not just physically but in other aspects as well.

He never calls or messages me when i am home. We both agreed that no one will know about this. That both our partners will always be priority. That we will not get attached. I kept myself a little detached because I'm aware that women tend to get more emotionally invested. Well, it turned out he was the first one to get emotional. He told me he was falling in love with me. He never got controlling or possessive, although he would sometimes ask me on some days if DH and i had sex or not. I started falling for him as well.

We met up once a month for 3 more months then his fiancee came here. We kept our no expectations agreement but somehow found ourselves promising each other things and also scheduling our communication. Basically we ended up comitting to this unofficially. We made it offical 6 months after we started all of this, just before they left the country to go get married. They stayed there for a month and we only had contact two days out of that month. We didn't want to risk communicating because they were always together and he doesn't know if i am at work or home. He messaged me the night before the wedding and it was sexual. Yes that was totally despicable and disrespectful to her and I wish it didn't happen but we missed each other so much that we let it happen.

They came back here together and apparently she can now stay here. We knew this time would come. I gave him a chance to get out of our relationship. Because i never want him to feel like he is obliged to be with me. But he didn't want to. We still kept communicating as much as we can but it is getting harder.

It's now a year since this all started. DH and i are in a better place. We even went on a 3 week vacation. OM and i are living both our lives while still maintaining our small world. It is getting harder to keep this but we promised each other we will keep this forever if we can. Sometimes i feel like we are so distant and it gives me a bit of anxiety. It makes me unsure about his feelings but he assures me he still wants me. And he shows it through our "constant" communication. Sometimes i see their photos and i feel a little jealous. Those unsure feelings have been growing a bit and i'm not sure how to handle them. Feelings are tricky that's for sure.

DH and i are getting along well. I know i will get slammed for saying this but i love spending time with him and we are happy. I learned how to compartmentalize my marriage from my affair so any emotions i feel for my marriage is intact and any emotions high or low i feel in my affair would not be taken out on DH.

Sometimes the guilt hits me hard and i begin having second thoughts about continuing this. I would feel like i would be fine since i am getting used to not talking to him daily like before. But then the time comes when i miss him again so much that i know i can't lose him.

I don't really know why i am here telling this story. I guess maybe i just need some insight from people who knows how this feels. I miss him so much and the highs of being able to communicate even for a few hours feels amazing. But the lows of missing him is so low and it hurts. I try to divert this energy i'm spending thinking about him but it's so difficult. I find myself thinking of him so much everyday and wondering if he thinks as much as i do. To anyone who went through something like this, how did you handle all this emotions?
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Old 14th December 2017, 11:18 PM   #96
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Did you end the affair or end the marriage?

Long term - both won't work...you will get caught.
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:23 PM   #97
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I know that the OP hasn't been back for a bit but I would like to make two points.

1. Don't have children until you're done with the OM.

2. You said that your husband has asked you for a divorce a few times. You don't have to tell him about your affair. You can just say "YES."
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:41 PM   #98
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Indeed, nearly two weeks gone so we'll close this up pending further interest in participating since it is a specific marital and affair issue. Thanks members for your responses and assistance!
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