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Marriage "too stable?"


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 16th November 2017, 11:31 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
I am glad to hear from someone who knows almost exaclty what i am going through. It's so hard to handle these emotions. Maybe in the future i can control my actions but what i'm scared the most of are the emotions. What if i regret ending it? How will i cope with that? But then again, you are right it could implode and i lose them both. And that's something i will have to cope with too. On top of that i would have to deal with the hurt my DH would feel. I wish there was an easier way. The most logical choice is to end it, go NC and all that. But god, it's way eaiser said than done.

If you don't mind me asking, how did your situation end up?
I had an affair for ~1.3 years. I wasn't in a bad marriage per se, but we had some serious problems and I didn't have any faith that they would get resolved (H didn't seem to care about my feelings on it), but I still loved and adored him as my best friend of 15 years. A friendship with a married coworker who was on the verge of divorce turned into an affair. We fell in love but never ever planned to be together. We knew we needed to stop it, but when we tried, we would always fall back into it, meanwhile developing stronger and stronger feelings. A complete mess much like you describe. It was terribly selfish of me - I remember thinking "H won't do XYZ to fix our marriage, so I will also be selfish and continue this affair."

Well it all blew up extremely dramatically one night. I had to see how my selfish, cruel actions completely shattered the person who I loved most in the world. It was so heartbreaking, I can't even begin to describe it. We took some time to decide what to do, over months of turmoil and heartbreak and pain, and eventually mutually decided to split up. We thought that recovering from the affair, PLUS trying to fix the underlying issues, would just be too much. I lost the wonderful family I'd had for 15 years and most of my friends, and work was a disaster because the OM is a coworker and his wife went completely scorched earth on him. (She had an affair previously and blamed him and they tried to sweep it under the rug, so frankly I don't have much empathy for her side of things.) Everything was awful, awful, awful.

In my situation, since the OM was already on his way to divorce, we both became single. And we are the extremely rare affair partners who are actually truly in love and compatible in the real world, not just in the little affair bubble. So we are together and our relationship is very solid and wonderful. Even so, it's just been terrible knowing how deeply we hurt the people we loved, knowing that we will always have this as our origin story, all the baggage and guilt that taints the love. Thank god my exH has a new girlfriend and seems really happy. Even though he was gracious to me as our marriage ended, he doesn't really want anything to do with me, so I shattered and then lost my best friend

And this is kind of the best case situation. It usually does NOT end this way. What is extremely likely is that your OM disappears without a trace when the choice comes down to jumping off a cliff with you, versus staying in his marriage. Your marriage could end like mine did - men have a VERY hard time getting over the fact that their wife fcked another man repeatedly in their house. Or, your marriage will be shattered into pieces and you'll have to spend 110% of your energy for years trying to fix it and help your husband heal, while he hates you and is dying with pain. Not to mention, trying to get over OM and heal from that all on your own.

I don't really have anything to say about issue of whether to tell your husband, since I don't have personal experience with that. Just know that either way will be extremely difficult. Unfortunately you've dug yourself into a giant hole and there is NO way to climb out without facing some terrible consequences. But please believe me - the absolute best thing you can do right now is to end the affair before you fall more in love / get more addicted and before it all blows up in your face. It's just a matter of time.

Last edited by Birdies; 16th November 2017 at 11:35 AM..
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Old 16th November 2017, 11:50 AM   #17
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How do you handle these emotions...

How do you handle these emotions... Is it just too easy to say, don't have an affair.

I can tell you how, tell your husband today. Let him know what is going on, that will give you an indication of where you stand.

Listen to the MW, OW like birdies that are talking to you. THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOING to happen.

Now for Birdies, she married her OM, and I think they are happy.

But based on her posts of late, I am guessing that even she is have some residual guilt over what went down? Am I right about that B?

You are being super naïve and at some point, this will blow up.

Just be ready for the fall out...
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:31 PM   #18
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How do you handle these emotions... Is it just too easy to say, don't have an affair.

I can tell you how, tell your husband today. Let him know what is going on, that will give you an indication of where you stand.

Listen to the MW, OW like birdies that are talking to you. THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOING to happen.

Now for Birdies, she married her OM, and I think they are happy.

But based on her posts of late, I am guessing that even she is have some residual guilt over what went down? Am I right about that B?


You are being super naïve and at some point, this will blow up.

Just be ready for the fall out...
We're not married - both don't see any reason to rush into that, it's only been a couple years - but yes, very happy, miraculously. However, we are both fully aware that this current happiness came as a result of a lot of cruel selfish behavior and at the expense of our previous spouses' emotional well-being. So yes, of course we both have residual guilt and we will forever. I hate how I hurt my exH and family, and I hate that a lifetime of being a caring, empathetic, good person is forever tarnished by how horribly I behaved.

That was one of my points above... this is a no-win situation. I feel like I'm in a best-case scenario of sorts, and it was still the absolute worst thing I can possibly imagine for everyone involved.

She can't undo her actions, but she can stop before it gets any worse.

Last edited by Birdies; 16th November 2017 at 12:39 PM..
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:27 PM   #19
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I commend you for...

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Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
We're not married - both don't see any reason to rush into that, it's only been a couple years - but yes, very happy, miraculously. However, we are both fully aware that this current happiness came as a result of a lot of cruel selfish behavior and at the expense of our previous spouses' emotional well-being. So yes, of course we both have residual guilt and we will forever. I hate how I hurt my exH and family, and I hate that a lifetime of being a caring, empathetic, good person is forever tarnished by how horribly I behaved.

That was one of my points above... this is a no-win situation. I feel like I'm in a best-case scenario of sorts, and it was still the absolute worst thing I can possibly imagine for everyone involved.

She can't undo her actions, but she can stop before it gets any worse.
I commend you for... your honesty. Kudos.

OP, please listen to what these people are saying...
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:38 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
We're not married - both don't see any reason to rush into that, it's only been a couple years - but yes, very happy, miraculously. However, we are both fully aware that this current happiness came as a result of a lot of cruel selfish behavior and at the expense of our previous spouses' emotional well-being. So yes, of course we both have residual guilt and we will forever. I hate how I hurt my exH and family, and I hate that a lifetime of being a caring, empathetic, good person is forever tarnished by how horribly I behaved.

That was one of my points above... this is a no-win situation. I feel like I'm in a best-case scenario of sorts, and it was still the absolute worst thing I can possibly imagine for everyone involved.

She can't undo her actions, but she can stop before it gets any worse.
You are very right.

One thing about ws, at least while they are in the affair, is selfishness. I'm not saying that to be unkind, but it is there. A lot of people ( me included) advise a ws to put themselves in their spouse's shoes and think of how it would feel, but I really do wonder if that's possible, especially if the A is going hot and heavy.

I think we all do that, to a certain extent, in lots of situations. When we are having fun, its easy to push the negatives out of our minds, but it does all have a way of catching up with a person.
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Old 16th November 2017, 2:12 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
See a therapist to help you consider your emotions.

An affair is like a drug high - there's no way the reality of any marriage can compete with that.

Do you plan to keep in contact with the OM moving forward?

Have you been thoroughly tested for diseases?
Yes the thrill, excitement, attention is all too addicting. I understand marriages pale in comparison to it so that's what makes it hard to give it up. I used to think people who get in affairs are weak and cowardly. And i swore to myself that will never happen but here i am. Smh

Yes, been tested and all negative. He swears i am the only one other than his BS but i know that doesn't mean jack because we swore to our spouses they're the only ones and look what happened.

We are still in contact, very limited. Only when our work schedules overlap. At least for now there is no chance of this getting physical again since he cannot go all the way here without her (she stays at home and they live 4 hours away). But then there are the sexual messages so that aspect is still present.
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Old 16th November 2017, 2:44 PM   #22
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You need to talk to your husband and explain to him that the solemn vow you took in front of your god was meaningless and subject to change. That way, he can be released from the contract.
Believe me i have agonized over that and beat myself up many times over it. It's why i feel like maybe there's a glimmer of hope of this fog lifting. I used to judge people who had affairs. And just like most people, i never thought i would be one of them. When i said my vows i was sure, 101% sure that our marriage would not go that route.

When OM got married i even told him that i had meant my vows when i said them but what about him? He would get up there and swear to love her and be honest with her but all the while knowing he has the intentions to break those vows. It sounds almost comical how illogical it is. I gave him a way out so he can also start over after getting married but i was too weak when he said he still wanted me. And it's not just for the physical part because we both knew there is little chance we could meet up after they get married.
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:12 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
Yes the thrill, excitement, attention is all too addicting. I understand marriages pale in comparison to it so that's what makes it hard to give it up. I used to think people who get in affairs are weak and cowardly. And i swore to myself that will never happen but here i am. Smh

Yes, been tested and all negative. He swears i am the only one other than his BS but i know that doesn't mean jack because we swore to our spouses they're the only ones and look what happened.

We are still in contact, very limited. Only when our work schedules overlap. At least for now there is no chance of this getting physical again since he cannot go all the way here without her (she stays at home and they live 4 hours away). But then there are the sexual messages so that aspect is still present.
It's your responsibility to end it with finality if you intend to improve your M.

When the focus on relationships is divided none of them do very well.
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:52 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
Yes you are completely right. If only I am not too cowardly. Of course one of the reasons I prefer not to tell him is I can't stand to i hurt him. Although if we are all honest the main reason is so i would not get caught which is the most selfish but truest reason.


You are already hurting him.


"most selfish"....you just answered your own question. This is the crux of your issues. Your husband loves you and most likely treats you well, but that is not enough. You need the attention and validation of multiple men to satisfy your selfishness.
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Old 18th November 2017, 12:40 PM   #25
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Marriage "too stable?"

I am trying to figure out why i fell into my current affair when we have no "real" issues in our marriage.

I am a 32F married to 35M for 9 years. We were together 3.5 years before being married and yes we married young. We have no kids but we have been trying. We did some basic fertility treatments last year and took a break from that this year. We both have successful jobs. By no means we are incredibly wealthy but we live comfortably. We take trips out of the country, almost every other year or so. We have no significant health issues. We have family here although we are not that close to them. We have different sets of friends and common friends as well. But no "old friends" from childhood since we moved here only 10 years ago.

We have been fighting more this year and in one of our talks we figured out that maybe we fight because there is no conflict in our life. On paper everything is good and almost perfect barring the infertility issue. Is that even an actual reason to fight? Maybe it's human nature to want to find conflict so we can feel emotions or passion when our life seems too stable? A lot of his friends moved away last year so i know he feels lonely. We fight more when he gets into depression mode especially during holidays.

My affair is almost a year old. It's with an old acquaintance and he lives 4 hours away. We met up about 5x once a month. He was engaged before we started this and recently got married. Wife now moved here from another country and so the affair is reduced to LC.

My fights with BS started before the affair. just like most affairs, it is only a symptom of an actual underlying issue in the marriage. Both OM and i have agreed we are not leaving our BS and they will always be priority. We both admitted our feelings to each other and believe we love each other. Our comfort is that we feel the love for each other differently than for our spouses so there is no danger of us falling for each other more than for our spouses.

Whenever BS and i fight he withdraws and gives me the silent treatment. Most of the time i will give him space. Sometimes i will engage him so he knows i am still here. Each time he rejects me i feel like my heart is being stabbed. When that repeatedly happens i withdraw as well. Unfortunately now that i have this affair, my thoughts would go to OM almost as if to seek some comfort while i feel alone. Sometimes i feel like he is going into early midlife crisis. He has asked for D a few times. There were moments when i can tell he feels restless like there is nothing going on in his life, nothing to look forward to. He doesn't really have a real close bestfriend to talk to. He is not that close with his family either.

Has anyone gone through an issue like this? Some insight would really be helpful. BS does not really believe in therapy so it's a little out of the question.
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Old 18th November 2017, 1:28 PM   #26
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Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic and into the forum the thread starter originally began the topic in. Please continue the topic discussion in this thread and there may be some duplicate content. Thanks!
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Old 18th November 2017, 1:45 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
I had an affair for ~1.3 years. I wasn't in a bad marriage per se, but we had some serious problems and I didn't have any faith that they would get resolved (H didn't seem to care about my feelings on it), but I still loved and adored him as my best friend of 15 years. A friendship with a married coworker who was on the verge of divorce turned into an affair. We fell in love but never ever planned to be together. We knew we needed to stop it, but when we tried, we would always fall back into it, meanwhile developing stronger and stronger feelings. A complete mess much like you describe. It was terribly selfish of me - I remember thinking "H won't do XYZ to fix our marriage, so I will also be selfish and continue this affair."

Well it all blew up extremely dramatically one night. I had to see how my selfish, cruel actions completely shattered the person who I loved most in the world. It was so heartbreaking, I can't even begin to describe it. We took some time to decide what to do, over months of turmoil and heartbreak and pain, and eventually mutually decided to split up. We thought that recovering from the affair, PLUS trying to fix the underlying issues, would just be too much. I lost the wonderful family I'd had for 15 years and most of my friends, and work was a disaster because the OM is a coworker and his wife went completely scorched earth on him. (She had an affair previously and blamed him and they tried to sweep it under the rug, so frankly I don't have much empathy for her side of things.) Everything was awful, awful, awful.

In my situation, since the OM was already on his way to divorce, we both became single. And we are the extremely rare affair partners who are actually truly in love and compatible in the real world, not just in the little affair bubble. So we are together and our relationship is very solid and wonderful. Even so, it's just been terrible knowing how deeply we hurt the people we loved, knowing that we will always have this as our origin story, all the baggage and guilt that taints the love. Thank god my exH has a new girlfriend and seems really happy. Even though he was gracious to me as our marriage ended, he doesn't really want anything to do with me, so I shattered and then lost my best friend

And this is kind of the best case situation. It usually does NOT end this way. What is extremely likely is that your OM disappears without a trace when the choice comes down to jumping off a cliff with you, versus staying in his marriage. Your marriage could end like mine did - men have a VERY hard time getting over the fact that their wife fcked another man repeatedly in their house. Or, your marriage will be shattered into pieces and you'll have to spend 110% of your energy for years trying to fix it and help your husband heal, while he hates you and is dying with pain. Not to mention, trying to get over OM and heal from that all on your own.

I don't really have anything to say about issue of whether to tell your husband, since I don't have personal experience with that. Just know that either way will be extremely difficult. Unfortunately you've dug yourself into a giant hole and there is NO way to climb out without facing some terrible consequences. But please believe me - the absolute best thing you can do right now is to end the affair before you fall more in love / get more addicted and before it all blows up in your face. It's just a matter of time.
It's not uncommon for AP's to get together after they blow up thier marriages it's uncommon that those relationships last. About 14 months, after about a year the females tend to miss long for or desire the ex. I know you want admit it, but from your posts it's pretty clear you are at that stage now.

OP, I'm not sure you really want to do anything to change the situation, so you won't. This is a guilty moment that will likely pass. Then business as usual. Until you get caught. Then it will be a mistake, right?
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Old 18th November 2017, 3:00 PM   #28
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How would you like it if your H was doing what you are?
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Old 18th November 2017, 3:38 PM   #29
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From the way you write, it really sounds to me like your first step is to figure out what it is that you want.

If it's your marriage, then the affair has to end. Otherwise, the whole relationship between your and our husband is poisoned.

If it's your om you feel is the better match for you, then, hard as it may be, take the steps to end your receptive relationships and make that happen.

If it's both, then at least respect your spouses enough to be honest with them.

I know that making this sort of choice could be very difficult, but you sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to about this? They can help give you strength if you feel like you are faltering.
To be quite honest, i wish i could keep both. But thankfully my conscience is still kicking in. And that's why i feel like i am being pulled into two directions. One is of course ending the affair and concentrating on giving my best to BS. And the other is keeping the affair because there is no chance AP and i would be together on our own. I know he is relatively committed to keeping his marriage too. And even if he asked me to give mine up so we can be together just us, i know logically it would never work out.

I feel so torn. I want to do the right thing but i also don't want to lose OM. I know we have real feelings for each other. If it was just something physical we wouldn't last this long since there is no foreseeable chance of us getting together soon.

I'm scared of the aftermath when i end it. I might not be able to hide my depression as well as i want from DH. I have no one i can confide in because I don't want anyone else to know about this.
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Old 18th November 2017, 3:41 PM   #30
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OP, please stop trying to rationalize your affair. You had an affair not because your marriage is "too stable", but because YOU have poor boundaries and coping skills. You threw away your vows at the first real temptation.

You shouldn't be turning to another man to give you support just because you feel down.

Meanwhile I am TRULY glad to hear that you have stopped trying to have a baby w your husband. I mean, then you'd be stepping out on TWO people--the baby as well as your husband. Besides, what's going to happen when your husband finds out about your affair. Why bring an innocent child into this.
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Last edited by Imajerk17; 18th November 2017 at 4:22 PM..
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