What's my next step??? Looking for outside imput.

[Danny42]

Hey! So a long story but i am very conflicted and need some help...My wife and I have been together nearly 10 years and just had our 7th wedding anniversary.

About 4 years ago we had separated, and lived separately sharing time with our then 3 year old daughter. We had agreed, for the separation, that we would not have romantic relationships or would disclose anything that happened. I dated very little during this time, and turned down a couple offers for sex with others as I wasn't comfortable doing it while married. I was told by my wife that she was doing the same, dating, no sex or anything. About 2/3 threw the separation we had been spending more time together and things were going well and seeming to be getting back on track. Then on fathers day she told me she had been sleeping with someone we went to high school with. I was pretty devastated, but I tried to move on and forgive, it took a while but we ended up back in a new place together as a family. I worked hard to provide.

 

A few months later talk of another child started, and we decided to try to have another child. I had second thoughts at first, but ultimately decided that I wanted to continue to progress our life together. It didn't take long and we ended up pregnant with twins! Everything seemed to be going well. Regular fights nothing major or that we couldn't get over. I always wondered if she was 100% honest with me. I am a very loyal guy, and had/have not cheated or lied to her ever, I pride myself on that! Soon after the twins were on their way, I started my business in order to better provide for my growing family. I was working a TON. The next couple years were great, living life as a family, enjoying my ever expanding income and building plans and groundwork for a comfortable life together.

 

About a year ago, I sold part of my business to pursue an opportunity and relocate my growing business 3 hrs from home in another state. At first I came alone but everybody joined up and everything was going great! Until one day she wanted to talk....

 

She said that she wanted to come clean and told me that when we were seperated she had kissed around with a a couple we were friends with, I was a groomsman at their wedding and we all hung out regularly. I basically felt like I knew she wasn't honest back then and told her that it sucked that she lied, but I will get over it and move on with her because it was what I wanted.i asked if there was anything else I needed to know about and ahe said "no, I swear". Then it kept coming.... she would start to cry say how bad she feels and then say "there's something else".... each time I trusted her less. First she said that she had kissed the female friend before we were separated, a couple days later she admitted to things happening with this couple even after we got back together after the separation. Next she told me that she would use a website called "wisper" to sext random guys while we were together. I continue to be more and more devastated, and she is losing credibility, big time. But I remain vigilant and hope to move forward, but It has not been as easy as I had hoped.

 

I am mainly mad that she lied for so long. We made big life decisions, all during discussions that would never have happened if she had been honest with me. I feel so betrayed that I have been supporting this person who has deceived me so deeply. I consider leaving every day, as I feel like I can't trust her, I am sickened by her proclivity for deciet. How could she Do I it to me!? I can't stop thinking, "is she doing it right under my nose again? I think about it a lot, but try to move forward, unfortunately it's not working. What it all comes down to, for me, is does she deserve the life I am working my ass off to provide, and do i deserve to have to live my life not knowing if she is being 100% honest with me, as I have with her? Do I deserve to have to think about this forever? I find my self hoping my brain can get over it. Yesterday ahe and the kids left to a Disney vacation, I was up all night working alone with my thoughts and as always these questions pop into my head. I realize that I could talk to my old friend, and do a little fact checking on my wife, maybe relive myself from some doubt. So I messaged him. Told him that I don't blame him, that we are good, but that I needed to know how far it went with them. Her story about what happened including him checked out, but that things went further with his now ex wife and mine than what I'm being told. I am disgusted that this is what I heard as ahe swears she has shared everything. I am not going to bring this up to her as i dont want to ruin an expensive vacation for her and my children. She comes home in a few days and I'll ask her to explain in a non confrontational manner. But, if it comes back as another lie, it might just be the last straw for me.... I am terrified of leaving her, mainly for the sake of my kids. I have no reason to suspect that she would keep them from me of treat me unfairly. We have talked and when asked what she would do if roles were reversed, she says she might leave the relationship. I am also terrified of being used by her, and creating a good life with a woman who doesn't deserve what I am providing.

 

Maybe this is small potatoes compared to other stories I have read on this forum, but it's driving me crazy trying to identify the right decision to make considering what's best for the kids, what's best for me, and what is a reasonable next step. If you read all that, thanks, and I'm hoping to just get some outside input on this. TIA

[ice3784]

If you are able to survive during the separation period, why not now ? how can you sleep well wondering every moments what is she up to behind you ? im living with that and its hell, so please, dont live like what i do.

Move on, be happy, and your children will be happy too. Why not imagine you and your beloved new wife and your children together having holiday in Disneyland instead of her, and your children having vacation while she texting other guys ?

[BluesPower]

As I read your post...

 

I am trying to figure out if you are being discreet and not spelling out what your "wife" has done or if you actually believe what she and her boyfriend are telling you?

 

So let me explain, if you already don't realize this... Your wife is lying to you about everything, end of story.

 

Further, let me translate some of what you have written. At the very least, your wife was having a SEXUAL AFFAIR with this couple. So before you separated, and while you were working your but off to build your business, she was having wild monkey sex with this couple. Several FFM threesomes with all the trimmings, pun intended.

 

So, there is that. Next, she was using whisper to sext, OK. So how far did that go? Or what other websites was she using? See where this is going...

 

You know that she was having an affair with this couple while you were together, so who else was she sleeping with during that time.

 

And, BTW, while you were separated, my guess is that she as banging more that this couple. As a matter of fact??? Who's idea was the separation???

 

Because a lot of wayward wives, suggest a separation so they can sleep around and "not feel guilty" because they were separated. Of course, never mind that the rules were, no sleeping around.

 

So let's see, you were involved in the swinger lifestyle, at the very least, and you had no idea.

 

Oh, and the more successful you became, ie. the more money you had, the more that she realized that you were worth keeping around, not for sex of course, but as a never ending ATM.

 

And you, "Mr. nice guy", took her back, had more kids with her, if they are even yours, and now you have 3 kids and a swinger wife that gets to live that lifestyle but you don't get to participate.

 

And if you expect your "Friend" to be truthful with you about what he and your wife and his wife did, well I have a bridge to sell you.

 

Now, whether I am right about all of this, or just some of this, how does that make you feel?

 

The facts are, you have no idea who she slept with or how many people she slept with because you were clueless and working all the time...

[wmacbride]

Op,

I'm a bs too, and I understand how difficult it can be.

 

Usually, I'm in favour of reconciling,but that can only happen when both sides are willing to be 100 percent honest.

 

Your wife isn't being honest. I don't know if it's because of malice, because she's ashamed and embarrassed or what the reason is. In the end, it really doesn't matter.

 

It's normal to not trust your spouse after they have cheated. That's self-protection. It's another kettle of fish to always wonder, in the back of your mind, what really happened and if you are being told the truth. That sort of life can drive the most level headed person batty. You end up like Damocles, always waiting for the sword to fall.

 

Do you really want to live like that. Is that fair to your wife, is it fair to your kids? This sense of mistrust and fear is really toxic,and it sounds like that is right where you are heading.

 

If you feel like you will always wonder what you haven't been told, than maybe this marriage is not where any of you want to be.

 

I know that, in spite of everything you have been through, you still love your wife. You are working so hard to give your family a great life.That tells me that you have a loving heart. It's okay if you still love her, but maybe you shouldn't be with her? If there is no trust for her and she shows you little respect, staying may eventually poison you and leave you bitter, sad and, even though you'll be married, alone.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope all of you ( your wife included) will move forward to a happier life.

[road]

When your WW comes back home from the vacation you

not only tell her that you know that she has continued to

lie about the cheating, she must take a polygraph test and

you are going to do a DNA paternity test.

 

Dollars to doughnuts when a wife asks for a separation

it is because she is banging another man.

[harrybrown]

hope you wake up soon.

 

Have the D papers waiting for her when she gets back.

 

Did she tell you that another man is with them on the vacation?

[GoldenR]

The first thing that his me as I'm reading this is that she got back together with you bc she was pregnant by someone else wanted you to think it was yours.

 

DNA test ASAFP.

[lolablue17]

I am terrified of leaving her, mainly for the sake of my kids.

 

So stay forever and be miserable. This fear of yours is exactly why she did what she did. Because she has guessed that if she trickles you the truth drop by drop, you'll be terrified to leave her. And she's right. Even now after you discovered lie number 10,000, you're still walking on eggs like a pu*** because youre "affraid to ruin her vacation".

 

Come on man... I'm telling you - Take everything you know, multiple it by 10, and then you have a clue about what has she done. She has cheated on you many times, with more guys.

 

 

But as you admitted yourself, You're afraid to do anything. So what's the point of confronting her at all? Just continue to be the obedient puppy she loves so much and hold on untill your kids are 18. But I bet you won't do anything then either... You're too weak to do anything anyway.

 

Sorry for being tough on you, but you need to wake up from your denial status.

Edited November 7, 2017 by lolablue17

[Superchicken]

.......But, if it comes back as another lie, it might just be the last straw for me.... I am terrified of leaving her, mainly for the sake of my kids....... TIA

 

 

Hey, now that I live on a farm, I can send you more straws.. Because you seem to keep loosing them.

 

 

Stop grasping at them, and make a big boy decision with your direction in life, and how its been going poo poo for some time with you lately.

 

 

Ted.

[Bryanp]

Very sad story.

 

Your wife seems to be an habitual liar and cheater.

1. Get tested for STD's

2. Get paternity tests on your children

3. See an attorney to understand your options.

 

Your wife clearly has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[merrmeade]

don't take too long to figure out that this feeling of mistrust will NEVER go away precisely because she has proven herself untrustworthy. Bottom line. Everything else is redundant.

[Cephalopod]

Your wife is not a safe person. She lacks boundaries and honesty. That does not bode well for your future.

 

 

And I agree with the others: get your kids DNA tested. The kits are available at any drug store. It takes about three to four weeks to get the results. Your wife doesn't even need to know you are doing them.

[Maraud3r]

Get a DNA test for the children ASAP. You know she broke her word during the seperation, even with a couple that was then good friends. Which genuinely made you look bad and she did not care a bit.

 

You know she lied to you even after starting to trickle truth little by little. Never really admitting what she did, always keeping things hidden and making herself look better.

 

You know she was still engaged in things with other men even after you got back together. She said it was only sexting and some other stuff but at this point, WHY would you believe that? She has lied every stop along the way.

 

That she suddenly wanted another child while all of this was going on means there's a good chance she simply needed someone to take care of her and the child. Don't confront her outright, get a DNA test for the children first and foremost. Then get a lawyer and start proceedings. Only inform her at the last possible moment so you throw her off as much as possible.

 

Divorce law is not kind to men in many places. You will need every advantage you can get.

[BroJoe762]

First... I'll just say I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

Second. Everyone telling him to get a paternity test needs to calm their ****ing tits. He didn't ask for your opinion about that. And regardless of if they're his, it sounds like he loves them as his own anyways.

 

If you had said you had no children with your wife, I would say run like the wind, but that's not the case, and since there are children involved there are different responsibilities, but you and your wife probably can't do it alone.

 

The good thing about her confessing this, is that she obviously feels guilt or remorse about her actions (at least I would hope).

 

You sound like a real family man and I think you might regret not trying to work things out with your wife even if for now it's just for the sake of the children.

 

That being said, if you do the work and she still treats you like crap, it's her own issue, and, as much as it sucks, there's nothing you can do about it. If you do the work and it's still a mess, your children are better off having two homes and one stable parent (you) than one home with two unhappy parents.

Edited November 9, 2017 by BroJoe762
Needed to add more

[WilyWill]

Disregard the advice above. A paternity test is valuable in that it might reveal the extent of the affair. At times it's also valuable to perform the paternity test with your wife's knowledge to help her recognize the depths of her depravity and understand the full consequences of broken trust.

[road]

First... I'll just say I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

Second. Everyone telling him to get a paternity test needs to calm their ****ing tits. He didn't ask for your opinion about that. And regardless of if they're his, it sounds like he loves them as his own anyways.

 

 

Not starting a personal war, but your comment indicates that you

do not have much experience with infidelity. Also to come in with

your guns blazing F***ing Tits when no one disagreed with a previous

post of yours was a touch strong.

 

I hope you keep reading LS so you will see why so many people

advise for the BH to have a paternity test done.

[BarbedFenceRider]

What I learned from my time here on LS? That the deluge truth WS is often the most honest and wants to rebuild. The trickle truth WS, not so much. She still has dopamine and oxytocin in her bloodstream from the last sexual encounter with the OM. In layman terms, "C*ck on the brain". Why in the hell, are you sending her to see the Disney mouse? WTH? She was made air-tight by your supposed friend and now wants to play house-wife yet again? Okay, maybe she does repent and is now totally faithful. She is acting like she is sweeping under the rug with 0-consequences. Can you live with that? What kind of example does that teach your kids? It would be interesting to hear her side of the story and see just how remorseful she thinks she is and what she actually is doing....

[BroJoe762]

Not starting a personal war, but your comment indicates that you

do not have much experience with infidelity. Also to come in with

your guns blazing F***ing Tits when no one disagreed with a previous

post of yours was a touch strong.

 

I hope you keep reading LS so you will see why so many people

advise for the BH to have a paternity test done.

 

 

I actually do have experience with infidelity. I also understand how the comment ****ing tits might have came off a touch stronger that I intended. I felt like people were being harsh about the paternity test and giving unsolicited advice. He hadn't asked about the children and, as a father myself, I know it would make a tough time even more difficult if people were questioning whether or not my own children were in fact mine.

No war will be started here. I just think it's important to stick to giving the advice that is asked. Some comments are not helpful. He's a grown man and if he was worried about paternity he probably already knew what needed to be done.

[aliveagain]

It happened to me, I raised him for the first year of his life before I found out he belonged to her affair partner. When affairs are long term or overlap we often recommend DNA tests because cheating spouses always lie about using protection. They want you to believe that your health and pregnancy were never a risk. The fact is exchanging bodily liquids is part of the rush they get. The betrayed spouse will eventually figure this out for himself. DNA tests are now available at most pharmacy's.

[Danny42]

Thanks to all of you for your imput!!

[BluesPower]

Thanks to all of you for your imput!!

 

How do you feel? What is the status...Fill us in.

[Danny42]

Well I feel ok, still haven't talked to her about the new info. I am about

To leave the house to work and they are A couple hours from home. I feel about the same. Have continued to consider leaving her, but it is not what I want to do. I think that over all divorce is my last resort, and I'm not quite there yet, but close. She does feel real remorse, I know that. I don't have reason to think she is continuing these behaviors now, as everything really happened around the same time. I am sure that the children are mine too, I would get a DNA test if i had doubts. I know I don't deserve to have this on my mind, but I owe it to my children to do the best I can to make it work, but if anything else comes up I'm done 100%. I will leave her if I can actually justify it. I could be called a pussy, or a "nice guy" and I might agree with either of them right now. But I will make my decision based on what I feel is the right one, when the time is right. Again thanks for everybody's input, I will continue to check for more as this is an ongoing, unresolved issue.

[Superchicken]

Trust is like a four legged table. Remove one leg (Lost trust), and your rocky, with a fall at any time there's a little knock.

Your mind will be on balancing from that point on, and you wont enjoy your life like you did.

 

 

If you think you can balance the table, and keep everything from falling over, go for it. Me, and most, its off to buy new furniture....

 

 

However, if your not sure, then take some time away from her, and think hard, and for the long term. Not just for the kids, but yourself as well.

You have ONE life, and you cannot go back to restart it. We all deserve a good life and with pleasures as we grow older. Yours has been screwed. So weigh your options.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most that get caught always say they're sorry, and if you read many of the posts on this forum, you find a tiny few actually mean it.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[merrmeade]

For you, like for many, the offense of deception supersedes the actual breach of the agreement during separation.

I am mainly mad that she lied for so long. We made big life decisions, all during discussions that would never have happened if she had been honest with me. I feel so betrayed that I have been supporting this person who has deceived me so deeply.

You’re riddled with shock, ongoing mistrust, and outrage, realizing:

- her selfish disregard of your loyalty (despite opportunity to cheat) and your willingness to forgive each confession;

- her continued trickle-truthing;

- her admission she’d just leave in your shoes;

- and the prospect of brooding over it indefinitely,

I feel like I can't trust her,

I am sickened by her proclivity for deceit.

I can't stop thinking / I think about it a lot

I find myself hoping my brain can get over it.

it's driving me crazy

The maze of BUTs:

BUT I remain vigilant

BUT try to move forward,.

BUT It has not been as easy as I had hoped.

BUT if it comes back as another lie, it might just be the last straw for me....

BUT I owe it to my children to do the best I can to make it work

BUT if anything else comes up I'm done 100%

BUT I will make my decision based on what I feel is the right one, when the time is right.

 

BUT the biggest “but” of all:

I am terrified of leaving her [but] I am also terrified of being used by her

Reconciling under these circumstances will take its toll on YOU if you think these are separate issues -

- what's best for the kids,

- what's best for me, and

- what is a reasonable next step

 

You only have to worry about what's best for the kids if you continue trying to ignore the truth. And you don't have to fear being unreasonable because that's not your problem. You DO have to be careful about being true to yourself.

Edited November 13, 2017 by merrmeade

[GoldenR]

I get it...we all get it...

 

You desperately want to believe there was never PIV. And sure, the OM's story matches hers. Do you really think they didn't coordinate stories as far as that goes?

 

Ppl that are cheating and have the time and place to do it, DO IT. They just do. It sucks.

 

I think for you to truly move forward, you need to polygraph her. You'll probably get a parking lot confession and won't have to shell out the $ for it.

 

And again, you reeeeally need to DNA check your kids.