How do I get proof of whether my husband is cheating or not?

[Broken212]

I have been with my husband for 23 years.

For a while now Ive had the most horrible gut feeling that he is being unfaithful. I have asked him point blank and he denies it, however he has lied to me in the past (not about cheating) and it was only when I shoved the proof in his face that he had to admit it.

 

He changed jobs last years and his hours have been all over the place. Yet he is a casual. Sometimes he would arrive home after 11pm after starting at 8 or 9am. When I called him out on that, he told me that his hours would change again, starting at 9am and finishing around 6. Slowly the hours are going up again yet his payslips stay the same.

Whe he is not working, he will work out for most of the day. This is a normal thing for him and he does do it legitamately, but his 'work outs' have increased from every morning to numerous times per day.

 

He is almost 40 yet he hangs out with people much younger. None of his friends are married or have kids. He has on occasions gone partying with them and taken drugs afew times which he never did in our youth.

One of his closest friends is unfaithful and my husband slipped up and said that the girlfriend demanded the unfaithful friend to stop working out with my husband. I found that strange.

 

He claims total innocence, tells me Im crazy, paranoid, making up stories in my head. He will swing between getting angry at me and being overly attentive. I see him looking at me completely different, as if comparing me to another woman and finding me lacking. I have gained alot of weight since the beginning of our relationship and ageing isnt kind to women

 

He never locks his phone and I'm wondering how they plan to meet, unless she is working with him. I do not drive so I cant go out to his work and dont even know where it is, although he does have a friend he goes to hang out with on his nights off and Im wondering if this friend is covering for him.

 

I dont have the money for private investagators. Or any type of survailence equiptment.

I want to be wrong about my gut feeling. Very badly.

He wouldnt want to leave me because I was the one who provided us with the house we live in and he is very tight with money and enjoys living almost rent free.

I thought I would be with this man for the rest of my life but its knocked all the self esteem out of me, knocked the life out of me. I am unmotivated and uninspired and I cant compete with the younger women he hangs out with.

 

I dont know what to do. I would never find anyone else, never trust anyone else (if I am correct about this affair). I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life but I couldnt stay with a man who has betrayed me like that.

I dont know what im hoping to find writing this but I dont know what else to do?

[d0nnivain]

Borrow a friend's car, don a wig & follow him.

 

Don't be so sure you can't afford a PI. Some are as low as $45 an hour.

 

Surveillance equipment has also come down in price.

 

Try scrolling through his phone or email account (snooping)

 

Have you ever unexpectedly shown up at his work, especially after hours to surprise him?

[SoleMate]

Honestly, based on all the evidence you've provided, I'm 99.9% sure he's cheating. The most important evidence in priority order:

 

* Lengthy hours away from home without adequate legitimate reason

* 14 hour "workdays" with only 8 hours of pay

* Multiple "workout" sessions per day

* Close friend is a cheater

* Cheater friend's GF has identified your H as a bad influence

* Gaslighting

* Lack of affection or respect

* Hanging out with young single people exclusively

* Living rent free with you

 

All in all, I wouldn't waste money on a PI as you already have all the info you need. (You know he's cheating and treats you like crap, so what use would be a list of bra sizes, dates and times, hair color, and who did what to whom?)

 

So sorry but I recommend you move beyond the fear of the future and look to the brighter possibilities of a life without this user eating away your heart and self-esteem. I understand you feel heavy and unattractive but I'm sure you're attractive enough to find a man who won't cheat on you. He might have some extra pounds himself but if he comes home reliably and is nice to you I'm sure you'll overlook that. Good luck!

[QuestioningSoul]

Those are serious red flags.

 

May I ask why don't you drive or know where your husband works?

 

Do you pay the bills and are you able to Look at the cell phone plan online? What carrier?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Broken, So sorry to see you here. Are you employed or a SAHW? Do you two have children and if so how old are they? As others have said you do not need proof because you know he is cheating and of course he knows too. Is your house in your name and was it yours before you married your husband? You are right in that although you do not want to be alone you cannot live with a man you cannot trust. Decide what you want to do, get your ducks in a row and then file for divorce and have him served. You can always retract if and when you see significant changes in his behaviour. The others have given some good advice and I am sure some others will also pitch in to help you with ideas. Warm wishes.

[whichwayisup]

Borrow money so you can hire a PI. From a trusted friend or a family member.

 

If he truly wasn't cheating or up to no good he wouldn't be mad, he'd make you feel loved and secure, not tell you that you're crazy. He is gaslighting you, making it seem like you're the one with the problem but you deep down it's him.

 

23 years is a long time invested so it's not easy to just up and accuse/walk away without proof. Though his behavior is telling you something and it's not good.

[S2B]

Take uber. Follow him for a full day.

 

You can't afford not to!

 

Why don't you have separate money? Start having separate money - you will have plenty when you start charging him $1500 - $2000 a month for rent. Keep this money separate and in your name only!

 

Learn to drive and become independent. Do you work? What can you do for work to be certain you don't need to rely on him?

 

Get busy becoming self supporting! You need that desperately!

[merrmeade]

He never locks his phone and I'm wondering how they plan to meet, unless she is working with him. I do not drive so I cant go out to his work and dont even know where it is, although he does have a friend he goes to hang out with on his nights off and Im wondering if this friend is covering for him.

 

Isn't the unlocked phone accessible? Can you get it away from him and look at it while he's sleeping? If he leaves it unlocked, however, he may delete messages. If you have a separate computer, you could download an app that reads deleted messages from phones. Also there's a part of Settings you can go to on his phone that will tell you where he's been and when. That would help you figure out if he's going to that freind's house when he says he is.**

 

He wouldnt want to leave me because I was the one who provided us with the house we live in and he is very tight with money and enjoys living almost rent free.

 

Does this also mean you're not financially dependent on him?

 

I thought I would be with this man for the rest of my life but its knocked all the self esteem out of me, knocked the life out of me. I am unmotivated and uninspired and I cant compete with the younger women he hangs out with.

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. How is it you know he hangs out with the younger crowd.

I would never find anyone else, never trust anyone else (if I am correct about this affair).

I think you don't know what might happen. A lot could change for you, and you could change a lot if you want to.

 

I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life but I couldnt stay with a man who has betrayed me like that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Many of us have been there and know how awful it is, but once again you are making these gloomy predictions based on what? You don't actually know what the future holds for you. You can change it

 

**For Location services, go to Settings / Privacy / Location Services / System Services / Frequent Locations / History. You'll see a list of the different cities he's been to.

[Cilantro]

Truthfully, honey, you might never. If you haven't gotten a confession at this point, then most likely your wayward spouse is going to stay in denial and continue lying and gaslighting, especially if he's a liar in general. You're better off just trusting your gut. I wish I'd trusted mine in the beginning. Instead, I was hellbent on the whole American court method of "innocent until proven guilty". I was determined to get proof or a confession before making any "drastic" consequences such as a divorce, kicking him out of the house, or engaging in an affair of my own. Eventually I got fed up and had a fling anyway when a handsome opportunity presented itself at the local strip club (okay, okay, I went looking for it, but I really didn't think anyone would go for me THAT easily, especially since these strippers are way hotter than I am, and since even the Chris Rock song goes "there will be no sex in the champagne room"). I'm glad I did, because not long after, my husband confessed that he'd been getting blowjobs from strippers for quite a while. He also admitted that if he didn't think I'd done stuff of my own, that he probably wouldn't have felt comfortable telling me this, for fear that I might get hurt feelings or go postal by feeling the unfairness of things. After my revenge flings, I was concerned about him possibly cheating but more concerned about the financial end of it than the infidelity itself, since I became rather ambivalent and IDGAF after my own affairs. So if you're planning a breakup or looking for someone else, I'd start doing it now, unless your gut tells you he really didn't do anything. But it sounds like deep down you know what's going on, even without specific details.

[William]

Thanks members for your replies. As this is a new member, one post, logged out 15 minutes after posting this now some 8 days ago, I'll close this pending their return, if any.