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Second Time Caught Same Man


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 1st November 2017, 8:55 AM   #61
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I'm afraid I do have to agree with the others. And I disagree with you that these were two different types of affairs. This was one ongoing affair that never stopped. You must stop trying to explain away everything your wife has done.


I'm not going to call you a cuckold, because I see nowhere where you condoned any of her behavior or accepted it. Cuckold is a cruel word and I do not believe it fits in this situation.


But I do think you are fooling yourself if you think this is the end of her adultery. She has developed a taste for stepping outside the marriage and she has made it clear that you alone are not enough to satisfy her sexual greed.


Ask her this, the next time you see her: if the two of you divorced, would she still be a church-going, pious Christian woman? Would she continue searching herself and her faith to rid herself of this sin if you were no longer in the picture?


You need to find out if she is doing the church thing because she is expected to do so as your wife, or because she actually loves God and wants to walk upright with or without you. I don't see where she really wants this.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:01 AM   #62
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You know what's best for you after all, what about your daughter, she knows your history. One of the things that is often said on infidelity sites is your best predictor of your future together is to look at your past, your history together. She knows she can get away with just about anything and you will keep taking her back. She's 46, what's the worst, you share her with O/M for another 25 years until she's not as desirable to other men? You have been in infidelity so long it has become your normal.

You certainly know your scriptures, perhaps you should remind your wife that adultery is still the only deadly sin that is mentioned in the bible twice, once for thinking about doing it and once for doing it. As long as she still makes you proud to be her husband why change things right? Your daughter is a different story, who knows what you have taught her. We see things differently then you, we see someone that has schemed and plotted with other men against you. It takes great cunning and a lot of planning to carry on affairs for years. I would be willing to bet she went to church with you every Sunday while this deception was going on.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:05 AM   #63
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I am also a believer, but I do not believe that a loving God wants you to live in misery with an evil woman. Forgive her, for sure. We are required to do that. But forgiveness doesn’t require you to stay married to her. Forgive her for all the ways she has hurt you, and then let her go work on her own relationship with the Lord. She will continue to break her sacred vows to you — you have to see that! God doesn’t require you to stay with a vow-breaker. Maybe He wants you to be happy in a relationship. Do you really think He wants you to be miserable and hurt and betrayed for the rest of your life?! I do not.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:06 AM   #64
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I did not mean to offend here. He does have enough negativity to last a lifetime right now. And I do apologize. I just personally hate when one does not stand up for themselves as a form of self loathing and weird gratification and use "faith" to wrap themselves up to make it look better. It's just not for me. No ill will intended. Peace.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:08 AM   #65
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With all due respect to your beliefs, I do believe that religion is too often used to defend and excuse a multitude of sins.

You have made your decision. I respect that, and I do hope that things work our for your family. Best wishes.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:49 AM   #66
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respect

Your 'wife' has lost all respect for you. By not divorcing her for the second time (? - serious doubts that's it only the second) she thinks you are even weaker than she previously did. No woman can respect a man that tolerates her cheating without any serious repurcussions. That's the sad hard truth. You can not have a good marriage without respect. You have become a doormat and can expect more of the same cheating after the shock wears off from this and she gets bored again. I'm not saying this to be cruel. You should understand those dynamics.

You MUST earn her respect - and your own.

Honestly, at this point it seems like a lost cause for reconciliation. Too much damage and lack of respect for a successful marriage. If you do stay - tolerate ZERO and I mean ZERO from her that is out of line. You must.
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:53 AM   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
With all due respect to your beliefs, I do believe that religion is too often used to defend and excuse a multitude of sins.

You have made your decision. I respect that, and I do hope that things work our for your family. Best wishes.
Everyone has the right to believe what they believe, many lives have been lost to defend your right. The only point I am trying to make is regardless of your beliefs, your wife's wanting to have sex with other men won out over any thoughts of hurting you her husband of 28 years, your daughter for the changes it could bring into her life and any religious beliefs you share as a couple. When someone has affairs for that many years it's not a mistake, it is absolutely premeditated and well thought out because she and her affair partners have to plan and work around your schedule.

She knows your religious beliefs but that wasn't enough to stop her from betraying you over and over again. Her partner was like a husband to her, you shared way more with him then you probably want to know(just read up on how long sperm can live). You had your same beliefs the first time she cheated on you, what's different now? How did that work out for you? Just as every cheater has a choice to cheat or not to cheat, every betrayed spouse has the choice to stay or leave infidelity. Just my opinion but I would stock up on condoms if I were you.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:15 AM   #68
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
Everyone has the right to believe what they believe, many lives have been lost to defend your right. The only point I am trying to make is regardless of your beliefs, your wife's wanting to have sex with other men won out over any thoughts of hurting you her husband of 28 years, your daughter for the changes it could bring into her life and any religious beliefs you share as a couple. When someone has affairs for that many years it's not a mistake, it is absolutely premeditated and well thought out because she and her affair partners have to plan and work around your schedule.

She knows your religious beliefs but that wasn't enough to stop her from betraying you over and over again. Her partner was like a husband to her, you shared way more with him then you probably want to know(just read up on how long sperm can live). You had your same beliefs the first time she cheated on you, what's different now? How did that work out for you? Just as every cheater has a choice to cheat or not to cheat, every betrayed spouse has the choice to stay or leave infidelity. Just my opinion but I would stock up on condoms if I were you.
I don't disagree with a single word that you've said.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:21 AM   #69
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This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.
You're not seriously telling us that you don't believe that they had sex, are you?

Bc brother, they did. A lot of it. Every. Chance. They. Could.

And deep down, you know this is true.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:41 AM   #70
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The part that gilded me was that the daughter found out first. THAT would seriously put some potential violence into this. Even if she is older, doesn't matter. She is your progeny and true love. The fact that she witnessed her dad being spiritually / mentally trampled while this is going on has got to be thoroughly debilitating.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:55 AM   #71
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You sir, are delusional...

You sir, are delusional...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ablankslate
This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.
You better lay off all the pop physiology. Affairs at some level are about sex.

He is probably better in bed than you are. Less uptight about sex. Introduced her to anal sex and she liked it. She gave him better BJ's than you will ever get.

Sure, they had a relationship, they had a nice emotional connection, and HE WAS NOT YOU.

Dude, I have been the other man before. They get a little attention and a couple of ILY's and they will do anything...ANYTHING.

I am begging you to wake up and see reality.

I bet she told you he was not bigger than you, he was. At his age he probably lasted longer than you as well.

IT WAS ABOUT SEX, PRIMAL, ANIMAL SEX...
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:17 PM   #72
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
The part that gilded me was that the daughter found out first. THAT would seriously put some potential violence into this. Even if she is older, doesn't matter. She is your progeny and true love. The fact that she witnessed her dad being spiritually / mentally trampled while this is going on has got to be thoroughly debilitating.
Indeed. That discovery will change their relationship forever and could have a tremendous impact on the daughter's future relationships/marriage.

How do you ever respect or trust your mother again after such a discovery.
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:30 PM   #73
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Blank slate.

No one on earth will be able to shake you from your faith, which is admirable. Since you rely on your faith for the answers to ALL your questions, what was the point of posting on this forum?

I am not questioning your right to post, just your reasoning to do so.
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:51 PM   #74
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You're blinded by her gesture - "offering to leave the business". She is of course offering this only after being caught and threatened to be left by you. She didn't offer it a minute before, which implys that she is a good dealer.

I agree that this is a real gesture, and I believe she is honest with her motives right now. Your problem is not her current attitude, which is the right one when she feels shame and guilt. Your problem is YOU.

You overflow your words with words like "faith" and "god". This is how you find strength and the ability to forgive. But this approach works only with people that hold values like you. It doesn't work with dealers. It doesn't work with selfish traders who lead their way only according to "what's good for me, what's bad for me".

You have made up your mind, and I respect you very much. If you want an advice - In the future when you start feeling better, when things are back to normal with your wife, this is the time you should be alerted the most. Not now.

And when the "next time" arrives, You are always welcome here. I hope you will never need to come here again.
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:55 PM   #75
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Hi Cullen, that was exactly the question I was going to pose to the OP. He seems so immersed in his faith that he will keep turning the other cheek till they bleed but he will not budge from his position. With that a given, what was the need for him to come her and expose himself to the harsh glare of reality. I think I said in one of my earlier posts that one could fool someone once but the shame would devolve on oneself. However if one fooled that someone else the second time around then the shame would be on that someone else. The saying goes 'God helps those who help themselves'. It does'nt look like the OP is at all trying yo help himself.

Being a church going Christian did not stop his wife from having an affair which was physical. That speaks to the level of her faith. If she couldn't keep herself from enjoying sex with her AP before what is to stop her now? Her faith would not have become stronger. Paying lip service to your faith and regularly going to church do not make you a good person. My grandfather used to say many moons ago that it was not Christianity that people practised but Churchianity. Seems true in the case of the OP's wife. He is setting himself up for a monster load of pain in the future. His wife is NOT remorseful but only regrets she got caught. It is a simple case of flogging a dead horse. I am reminded of Zombie's case. Same syndrome. Best wishes.
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