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Finding out about length of time that wife's affair with OM lasted.

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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:28 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Southern Sun View Post
What do you think about your daughters' new step-dad wearing their mom's bikini?

What do you think about your wife NOT being bothered that her daughters' potential new step-dad is wearing her bikini??

Not to mention that she basically just dumped this GIANT news on you and expects you to roll with the punches. Like, HUH?

Something is just so totally off with this. Call an attorney. Yes, get the pictures. I'm thinking the best you can hope for is custody of your poor girls.
I think this random man wearing their mom is more relevant...
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Old 22nd October 2017, 9:07 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
I think this random man wearing their mom is more relevant...
This random man who might very well be their father. The affair is older than both children and that suddenly she wants to bring these two girls and the OM's children together seems fishy as hell.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:29 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
I think this random man wearing their mom is more relevant...
I think him wearing their mom was understood. The fact that he is ALSO getting his pic taken wearing her clothing...OP has a double-portion of crazy to deal with. Bigger problems than most betrayed spouses.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:35 PM   #19
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Now, let’s see if he has the balls to stand up for his two girls and fight for them.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:55 PM   #20
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Talk to a lawyer immediately, change your banking, expose everything to the other man's wife, cheaters lie about leaving their spouse's. I hate to agree but you will need to give your children a paternity test.I went through the shame of naming a child after my father and then having to later explain to family that the child wasn't mine but was fathered by the other man.

I am Italian, you don't need to be married to a nasty cheating liar to be a good father. This is not infidelity this is a complete secret life. There is no getting over a 20 year affair, there is only kicking her cheating a$$ out of the bedroom, lawyer up and save as much face as you can with your famiglia. Sorry friend, there is no saving this, you were the only one committed to your marriage. Please Google and read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra, you need to detach from this woman who is pretending to be your wife. Let your lawyer deal with her.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 12:27 AM   #21
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Betrayed spouses come here all the time at different points as far as how much they know about the affair and how prepared they are emotionally and mentally to deal with it. Of course, that's why they're here. You've got the details down because she told you, but clearly your head and heart haven't caught up.

Listen to what everyone is saying - this is too big, too bad, too long, too gross for you to mess around with anything but getting out in the best way possible.

Don't bother talking to the OM. He's her person, not yours, He and she are accomplished liars after this many years and have no problem saying whatever they need to for what they want. He's not your friend and has no reason to tell you anything. That is the norm. The OM/W don't tell you what you need to know and more often hurt you, so forget that.

It's hard to grasp the magnitude of what's happened and what it means, but you need to get moving and understand the basics of what this means. Your wife is not the person you thought she was. She's had to lie to you for 20 years to keep you from finding out, which makes her kind of pathological. She's okay having an adulterous relationship with this strange paramour. How could you ever trust her again? Is there any reason why you should possibly consider her request?

Then think about your age and the possibility of finding someone else. The kids are NOT a reason to give in to her silly idea. Kids survive divorces if the parents can do it with grace and maturity, making sure they still feel loved and safe.

Now think about what you need to do to protect yourself regardless of the ultimate outcome. You need to see a professional, both a therapist and a lawyer. The therapist will help you organize your thoughts and actions for a while. The lawyer will tell you how to protect yourself.

Good luck. Don't wait too long.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 4:50 AM   #22
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Hi Folks I was wondering if anyone else noticed anything about the timeline of when the OP got a confession from his wife and when he told his sister about it? I think OP will have to explain how he went back in time to tell his sister about something he did not know about at that time( While telling his sister). The OP would also have to let us know when he got married because December 1998 was 19 years ago so was he already married or did his wife start this affair while they were dating / Engaged? There is a strong possibility that both the girls are fathered by the OM which is why his wife wants a blended family. By the way are there relationships like blended families? The OP has been ambushed by his wife in the worst possible way and all I can think of is that she must be completely off her rocker to even imagine that the OP would agree to anything like this.

Apart from anything else his wife's OM seems to have a clothing fetish as most of the pictures of him seem to be in women's underwear. It is a complicated mess to say the least. I wish him the very best in however he chooses to go forward.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 2:52 PM   #23
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Why in the bloody h*ll are you still there. You have been the second husband your entire married life. Ask her if it is alright for you to get a mistress and blend the family a little more. This woman is toxic. Get far away from her and proceed to burn her entire world to the ground. Why would you even consider staying with her? I know you are thinking of your children (if they are your children which I would have doubts about). I have three children whom I would willing die for if necessary, but I would never live with a woman such as you describe your wife as. I would devote my life to trying to protect my children as well as doing everything I could conceive in destroying the life of such a woman. If you stay with her there is nothing anyone can do for you. I wish you well.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 4:26 PM   #24
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A twenty year affair?

OMG. Dude go see a lawyer, file for divorce and demand full custody of the kids. Protect them from this nutjob. Your wife is bat**** crazy.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 4:49 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
A twenty year affair?

OMG. Dude go see a lawyer, file for divorce and demand full custody of the kids. Protect them from this nutjob. Your wife is bat**** crazy.
Sadly it's not uncommon, not even here on the site, I can think of two other women here that has been having affairs the entire Marriage, both seems to think the affair has no impact on the Marriage or husband. I guessing OPs wife doesn't think it should change anything since she has been doing it the whole time.

Like others, I confused as to why OP hasn't taken any steps unless he is actually considering this.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 5:07 PM   #26
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Considering the number of new posters lately with 'shocking' stories about men I suspect some of them are just making things up to get reactions out of us.
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Old 24th October 2017, 4:45 AM   #27
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Hi DKT3, maybe the OP is just too gobsmacked to do anything.
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Old 24th October 2017, 11:36 AM   #28
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Sorry for your pain OP. This is one of the worst cheating scenario I have ever heard and my heart ache.
You marriage to this woman is fake, Your Children may not even be yours and everything you know about this woman is fake. If otherwise, this story is fake.

Please OP, I beg you in the name of God, Allah or whatever you belief in, divorce this woman as soon as possible. Divorcing her will have less impact on the children than blending your family with that of the bikinis wearing cheater. No excuses. Nothing is worth saving.

Fake love, fake marriage, fake existence. Please get real by moving your self out of this fake existence.
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Old 25th October 2017, 7:17 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by tajenwah1 View Post
I'm 41, and live in NYC, well, just on the edges of Manhattan, but not within the actual borough itself. Been with my wife since I was 18, we met in the neighborhood.
Our relationship's an interracial one, me being Italian-American, her being Indian (not native American Indian, she's from San Francisco Bay Area and is Indian as in India the country). My wife (43) is a businesswoman and has worked for the same company for 14 years now and has to travel for her job.

We have two daughters, aged 15 and 17. My 15-year-old daughter has autism and I'm worried about how my wife's revelation will have an effect on her.

Last night, my wife asked me to come into the computer room with her, said "We need to talk, it's important." . In any honesty, I was expecting a job-related or family-related but it was much worse.

She told me how she'd been having an affair with an OM, who was a South African immigrant to the US, since December 1998, when she met him, he's 2 years younger than her, and that she'd met him when she'd done one of her frequent business trips to California for work, and that the OM wasn't involved with work.

Then she put in a CD-ROM on the Mac and showed me a load of JPEGs of the OM wearing her bikinis, including one of him in a bright pink crop top and bikini briefs, sort of like a tankini, and one of him on the john in our house in a sports bra and panties. (The photos were from August 2015, by the way).

She said she'd done it when I was out at work, when the girls were in school and that she had photos dating back to March 2002 of him wearing her bikinis.

Then she admitted in full detail every single restaurant she'd been to with him and the full details of the affair and said she liked him because he was good-looking, funny and had a good sense of humor.

I feel like divorcing her, but worry about the effect on my kids, my autistic daughter doesn't respond well to major changes in her life.

My wife said she wants to have a blended family with me, our kids and OM's kids. She admitted that OM is married to a former glamor model from South Africa who lives in California most of the year, Arizona some of the year and that OM said "I'm going to leave my wife for you, just got to tell her when, make up something about unhappy marriage, y'know."

I don't think my wife really knows this OM at all, and I've never met him.

I told my sister about this three days after the incident (sister lives in St. Paul, MN, but is considering moving to Los Angeles, coincidentally) and she suggested I confront the OM and find out why he had this affair, she said "If my fiance had an affair with another woman, I'd wanna confront her, maybe not bitch-slap her, but still... find out what gives.".

I really don't know what to do for the best, would anyone be able to help me deal with this, I feel sad and depressed and don't know how to cope. My only real source of support is my sister, and she's in St. Paul, MN so it's not as if I can drive to see her locally.

This behavior is completely unexpected from my wife and I never had any reason to feel suspicious at all during our marriage (we got married aged 23). Not one bit.

How should I deal with this? Sorry for wall of text.
First, you read the nonsense you posted here and then file for a divorce.
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Old 30th October 2017, 12:45 AM   #30
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Unfortunately, I agree with everyone else, get copies of everything, tell her you need to think and get all of your matters in order. 2002, that’s a long time, 15 years of betrayal…I wouldn’t even know how to suggest recovery from this point, especially since she is suggesting some sort of blended family. Secure your future, one where you and your daughters are taken care of, if she wants to repair the damage, well, let it be on your terms once the dust settles.

If you are a religious man I’d suggest a great deal of prayer, I will pray for you, this is a great deal of pain etc. even for me, an outsider to process. Don’t confront anyone, this man has been involved with our wife for almost two decades, what good would it do to confront him? Get your children safe, secure your position, and negotiate with your wife as to where your relationship will be heading. Do you want to move forward?
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