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Never been here; emotional affair?


Neverbeenhere40

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Neverbeenhere40

I'm new here, but I needed somewhere to get my thoughts out. I'm going to try to keep things short and not bounce all over the place. I'll share more, as needed, as the thread unfolds as I'm hoping for feedback and insight.

 

I've been with my husband over 20 years. We married young because I was pregnant. We were FWB, who had decided that wasn't working as we both wanted to seek out a real relationship as neither had any sort of romantic feelings for the other. Three weeks after officially ending everything I found out I was pregnant. We debated back and forth, but both being 19 our families pushed us to get married and be a family.

 

The first 10 years were hell. Neither of us were mature enough to be married, much less to be parents. We pushed through, fighting most of the way. Our son endured a home life no child should have to go through. My husband was extremely emotionally abusive to both me and our son. However, he was a strong provider and ensured we were financially taken care of. We had our 2nd child 8 years into our marriage.

 

At year 12 we finally separated. At the time my husband and I underwent extensive counseling. We eventually decided to stick things out, financial reasons again.

 

Things improved. We burned the old relationship to the ground and started fresh. He and our oldest never underwent the counseling they needed though and the relationship is still strained, and my son has terrible anger issues, and battles severe depression. Our youngest is much better off as his childhood has been a completely different experience.

 

We moved away from our hometowns 5 years ago. We have no family where we are now. We have made a good life for ourselves careerwise. We get along.

 

My husband worked hard and has changed a great deal. He tried to be attentive and romantic. However, as much as I've tried over the years since our separation I feel nothing for him as far as romantic love. I appreciate everything we've been through. I value his friendship. But every disagreement rips the stitches from the long ago wounds. When it comes to him touching or kissing me I'm numb. He killed that part of me during those early years and there is no way to for anything to grow there. I was never in love with him to begin with, and the years of emotional abuse ensured I never would be.

 

I've never cheated. The whole situation left me numb to emotions in general. I didn't have feelings at all, for anyone. I ensured I kept everyone at arms length and even friendships never made it past the point of skin deep. I tend to be overly friendly, but it's all fake. A smile to cover having to develop any real relationships.

 

Fast forward to the beginning of the year. A coworker from a few states away and I met at a company wide event. I caught him staring at me and making idle chat. As typical, I was friendly. A couple of months later our duties changed and this coworker and I now interact daily. He still lives 1500 miles away.

 

In the beginning he always sounded so down when he called. I made it a point to make him laugh.

 

Over the last 6 months we've gotten to be good friends. I haven't shared my marriage issues with him. He has opened up to me though.

 

He also married young, his high school sweetheart. A few years into their marriage she was diagnosed with a chronic, debilitating illness. He has been the breadwinner and her primary caregiver ever since. Some days I can tell it really takes a toll.

 

Recently we have been talking or texting daily. When I recently underwent my own health scare he checked on me daily, sent flowers, and did everything he could to keep me in good spirits. When I expressed my gratitude he responded with that's what friends do for each other.

 

I'm sure he's only looking for a friend. He has joked his wife is slightly jealous, but she's coming around. He is never overly flirtatious, no innuendo talk. Knowing his situation I think he is honestly just looking for a friend.

 

The problem is, I'm starting to feel something. Not sure what. Since I've been numb for so long I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is romantic or if it just feels good to actually have a friend since I've blocked out everyone for so long. However, I know the "something", accompanied with the daily texts and calls, the fact we make each other laugh, and the emotional loneliness we are both experiencing could very well be a recipe for disaster.

 

Can there be an emotional affair even without the component of sexual desire? Are we heading into dangerous territory or do I simply not know how to react to having a real friend? Is there a way to continue our current relationship and ensure it doesn't progress past friends? Are their clues I can look for to ensure he views me as strictly a platonic friend or if he is progressing into deeper feelings?

 

Insight greatly appreciated as I'm having a hard time figuring out what to make of any of this. Relationships were so much easier when I just stayed numb.

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1500 miles away helps with it not getting to P.A.

 

However if your husband has changed and become a better man and husband to you - its tricky as one might say your having an E.A. or unable to reconcile on your side despite him changing.

 

How one defines and EA is tricky, usually its more than friends - there are discussions of a personal, emotional, or sexual nature. There may also be very personal details of your husband or your marriage and sex life which should not be discussed. Also one might easily say if your husband read or listened to your conversations what might he say you are having.

 

Are you saying you can't divorce due to your youngest child still living with you ? Or heavy financial dependence ? Perhaps you should consider ways to work on those things. Because with or without your "friend" or possible EA - its sounds like you need a new life and new love - just not with that guy 1500 miles away with a disabled wife.

 

 

The harder deal I think if for your male coworker friend - if his wife became severely disabled very early in their marriage - that's such a hardship. I assume they are not sexual anymore.

Edited by dichotomy
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Hi Neverbeen, in answer to your question , yes you are heading into dangerous territory. What Dichotomy has suggested is very true. Start getting your ducks in a row, and plan on getting out of this marriage as it seems it was still born. You can make it as amicable as possible and you will be doing both yourself and your husband a big favour. This numbness that you talk about is not natural. It is probably due to your having suppressed your feelings for so long that your brain has kicked in and put up a defence mechanism. The day you meet someone who can make your heart flutter, the dam will burst and you will be blown away. Let that happen once your divorce is done and dusted. Warm wishes.

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somanymistakes

Yeah, it's dangerous territory. It doesn't mean that either you or he necessarily has bad intentions, but it's likely to develop in that direction eventually. Especially given that you have been emotionally repressing yourself for a long time... it makes it much more likely that when your heart finally gives way, you will not be able to handle it sensibly.

 

You have two separate problems, your own marriage and the possibility of breaking up his. But they're linked and it would be easier to deal with one without the other, of course...

 

Is there a way to continue our current relationship and ensure it doesn't progress past friends?

 

For his side: involve his wife in the friendship. Loop her into the email conversations. Don't have deep personal conversations behind her back. Keeping her involved will help remind your instincts that he's married and help remind HIS instincts not to share things with you that should be private to the marriage. If his wife is PART of the email exchange he's less likely to bemoan his lack of sex life.

 

For your side: you need to deal with your marriage situation. If you don't want to talk divorce, talk open marriage, talk polyamory, talk something. Your emotional needs are not being met and that's not good for you. You don't HAVE to leave your marriage in order to fulfill these things, but you DO have to let your husband be part of the discussion and plans.

 

You also need to make more local friends. Not just one friend that you lean on too much.

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Neverbeenhere40

Thank you everyone for the response.

 

Yes, I have debated leaving the marriage. The main issue is I'm comfortable. As I said, we've built good lives for ourselves career wise. I typically pour myself into my work, and find that very fulfilling. I have a home, which I own free and clear, back in our home state. I often debate picking up everything and moving back. However, there are no good jobs there and the change would take away the one truly fulfilling thing I have, my job. The plus is I have old acquaintances there, so if I chose to return I would at least have people to reach out to, although I have never really made an effort to nurture those relationships. My parents have both passed. I have one sibling who is disabled, so if I did move back I would be expected to be his caregiver, which I do not feel would work well for either of us.

 

Separating here is not really an option, because I would not want to stay and be completely alone.

 

Having been so empty, emotionally, for so long it's not like I really feel I'm missing anything. I know that's not exactly healthy, but it is what it is. My husband is a better man than he once was, and he deserves to have a relationship with someone. I don't believe he's ever cheated. It's almost like we have an arranged marriage. We have made it to the point we make good home business partners and we co-parent our youngest well. We don't really discuss what's lacking emotionally or sexually because we are both content with having a partner to manage the home with and nothing more.

 

The main thing I've gained from my friendship with my coworker is I'm laughing, and it feels good. I've long been good at making others laugh, but much like everything else my laughs were hallow. A true sense of happiness when he sent me flowers, just that feeling that someone made an extra effort for me, not because they had to, but because they wanted to...I felt that. The daily texts which truly make me smile are definitely a new sensation.

 

Obviously, what I really need is friendship at this point. Baby steps to discovering what feelings really are again. What I don't need is to develop an inappropriate friendship right off the bat. My coworker and I are both clearly in vulnerable spots. We both need the friendships, but do not need to cross the fine line of it being more. Can we fill those needs of each other without things getting complicated. I'm excited to finally have a real friend, but scared because I'm not sure how to handle it.

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I am not sure if this helps, but maybe you need to expand your social network and activities where you live now - and where you love your job.

 

Going back home does not work for you - so make it better where you are socially. Clubs, workouts, volunteer groups, etc.

 

I think you know a first line was crossed when he sent flowers to you. Thats a toe in your (and you husbands) waters so to speak.

 

I will say I understand some of what your sharing about your marriage, life, and even correspondence with someone.

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Neverbeenhere40

And just like that I haven't heard from him since I posted here.

 

We talked for about an hour and sent a couple of text messages Friday. Tuesday night and I haven't heard anything from him. Guess whatever it may or may not have been he's making the decision to back away.

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My Husband keeps a flirty persona with his female coworkers and clients. That's just how it is, because it helps to have charisma and be a ladies man in his field of expertise.

 

I have no idea what your "friend" does for a living, but I can assure you that he keeps it on a platonic basis, because it is genuinely platonic to begin with.

 

As the wife of the flirtatious business man, I am aware and in partnership with the way my Husband flirts around to get what he wants.

 

Judge me all you want, but my style is honesty and I'm sure that there are plenty of other wives in on the scam, too.

 

From what it seems to me, though is that he realized the platonic nature is headed towards a more personal level, which made him think twice about it.

 

When women come on too strong to my Husband, he gently pulls away by ignoring their calls during hours his office is closed and slowly killing off flirtation.

 

Is there anything you can think of that this man you work with could use you for to his benefit?

 

Please know that I mean no offense by what I wrote here. I just want to make you aware of this kind of office scheme. Work relationships usually never end up well.

 

All in all, you are both married and your mind should be set on improving your marriage, not a friendship with the married office mate.

 

I hope this helps and I encourage you to take what everyone else said seriously, because they are also right, but the EA is one sided on your end and he is more focused on his marriage.

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so you would be okay if your H had an emotional A?

 

have you thought about not being selfish and messing up the kids?

 

Before you continue the emotional A, and potential future PA, end your current marriage.

 

Do not drop the A bomb on your family.

 

Go NC with your lover until you have finished your D.

 

 

You will make so much of a mess with your family.

 

Do not cheat. file for D , and get free. and be honest with your H.

 

Tell him about your EA.

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Can we fill those needs of each other without things getting complicated?

 

Allow the man’s wife to be included in all your communications with her husband as that will help a LOT with NOT getting things complicated.

 

At this time you are craping on your AP’s wife for your own satisfactions. Also, you are helping the husband betray his disabled wife. In short you are headed to becoming a destroyer of families.

 

 

If you are sure that you cannot ever be contented with your husband then set yourself and him free. Get a D and then you can decide if you want to get involved with another man. Just limit your man interests to unmarried men unless you are willing to hurt another woman and her children for your own interests

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Hi Neverbeen, I would like to look at this whole situation from a different angle. Whatever may have been the reason for you and your husband to have got married, the fact remains that you have spent twenty years together, generated a lot of history and have two children between the two of you. The best part is, that in spite of NOT being head over heels in love with each other neither one of you has cheated on the other at least till now! I take that as a big positive. Also, there is the fact that when you have lived in a close and sometimes intimate relationship with someone for so long, you do develop some feelings of affection and possibly love even though this fact may not be evident straight up to your faces. I have read of so called Hotwives who have a sexual relationship with their lovers for a few months developing feelings for them. These hook ups are transient and yet feelings are generated. How much more so in your case where you have spent half a life time with your husband.

 

You say you feel numb and do not seem to have a reservoir of feelings which you can draw upon or unleash. The fact is that this is a protective mechanism of your brain and with suitable psychiatric counselling it may lead you to sensitize yourself again. The way I see it is that the adage " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" is is a viable and eminently suitable tactic to try and ignite a fire within yourselves. From what you have written your marriage appears to be the typical arranged marriage construct that is prevalent in our part of the world. In fact my marriage was also mostly an arranged marriage where I did not know my wife from Adam and after meeting her briefly for an introduction, I had to conduct our courtship long distance for a year, as I was in my nation's military and was posted far away from her place of residence. A year later we were married and our dating and honeymoon started then. Well we've made it past forty years so I guess the old saying " Where there's a will there's a way" works quite well in this modern era too. The thing is we started with a clean slate and kept writing on it as we grew together. I do not say our marriage is perfect but I think the one aspect that helped us through was respect for each other and the other's feelings and also the ability to compromise. It does not matter what the initial reason was for you two to get married. The fact is that you are married and have been for the past twenty years. You have something very valuable although you may not appreciate that fact and you should do your best to safeguard it as best you can. Being married is a challenge everyday of your life. So enjoy the challenge.

 

You know people talk about love and being 'in love' and 'I love you' and a lot of bumkum along those lines. I think more often than not, they confuse Lust for Love. Lust is a drive caused by the release of hormones which in turn are caused by visual stimulation. Love, on the other hand, is an emotion welling up from a deeper, spiritual part of ourselves. It is essentially the bond between the spiritual selves of a husband and wife and if it is there then the marriage is literally " Made in Heaven". Of course a lot of marriages are based on lust and not love and so they dissolve in a little while once the lust dies down. However, even in those cases, if the two partners are really serious about making things last, then they can turn their feelings of lust into love by making an effort to connect at a spiritual level. If one's partner is fairly congenial and is not violent and abusive and is open to committing to a long term marriage then I think it can be done. Long time marital love is something like cold fusion. It doesn't have to be all hot and passionate all the time. It is at a deeper level and is more mature, giving and accepting and is a much more quiet kind of love.

 

This has become very long and so I'll end it here with a last request for you to mull it over and take the challenge of reigniting your marriage and tell Houston that all systems are go! Warm wishes.

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I've never cheated.

 

 

Well, most people see an EA as cheating, and since you have admitted that you are developing feelings for him, this is an EA.

 

Before you go further down the rabbit hole, you may wish to consider the consequences of continuing the EA. What good can come of it? The deeper in you get in, the worse the damage. The likely end results are destroying your marriage, crushing your husband's soul, destroying your reputation, damaging your relationship with your children, and suffering regret and psychological damage for the rest of your life.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but this is just the reality. The chance of this staying positive and platonic is near zero. Men that invest this much time and emotional energy into a woman without the goal of sex as a payback are as rare as unicorns.

 

If your marriage is as horrible as you say, work towards becoming financially independent, and when your kids are older, divorce him and move on. However, you may find the grass is not always greener, and any future relationships may be no different. Guys looking for a side piece will put on a good show, but this is not the reality of married life.

 

Best wishes to you.

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Hi Neverbeen, I would like to look at this whole situation from a different angle. Whatever may have been the reason for you and your husband to have got married, the fact remains that you have spent twenty years together, generated a lot of history and have two children between the two of you. The best part is, that in spite of NOT being head over heels in love with each other neither one of you has cheated on the other at least till now! I take that as a big positive. Also, there is the fact that when you have lived in a close and sometimes intimate relationship with someone for so long, you do develop some feelings of affection and possibly love even though this fact may not be evident straight up to your faces. I have read of so called Hotwives who have a sexual relationship with their lovers for a few months developing feelings for them. These hook ups are transient and yet feelings are generated. How much more so in your case where you have spent half a life time with your husband.

 

You say you feel numb and do not seem to have a reservoir of feelings which you can draw upon or unleash. The fact is that this is a protective mechanism of your brain and with suitable psychiatric counselling it may lead you to sensitize yourself again. The way I see it is that the adage " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" is is a viable and eminently suitable tactic to try and ignite a fire within yourselves. From what you have written your marriage appears to be the typical arranged marriage construct that is prevalent in our part of the world. In fact my marriage was also mostly an arranged marriage where I did not know my wife from Adam and after meeting her briefly for an introduction, I had to conduct our courtship long distance for a year, as I was in my nation's military and was posted far away from her place of residence. A year later we were married and our dating and honeymoon started then. Well we've made it past forty years so I guess the old saying " Where there's a will there's a way" works quite well in this modern era too. The thing is we started with a clean slate and kept writing on it as we grew together. I do not say our marriage is perfect but I think the one aspect that helped us through was respect for each other and the other's feelings and also the ability to compromise. It does not matter what the initial reason was for you two to get married. The fact is that you are married and have been for the past twenty years. You have something very valuable although you may not appreciate that fact and you should do your best to safeguard it as best you can. Being married is a challenge everyday of your life. So enjoy the challenge.

 

You know people talk about love and being 'in love' and 'I love you' and a lot of bumkum along those lines. I think more often than not, they confuse Lust for Love. Lust is a drive caused by the release of hormones which in turn are caused by visual stimulation. Love, on the other hand, is an emotion welling up from a deeper, spiritual part of ourselves. It is essentially the bond between the spiritual selves of a husband and wife and if it is there then the marriage is literally " Made in Heaven". Of course a lot of marriages are based on lust and not love and so they dissolve in a little while once the lust dies down. However, even in those cases, if the two partners are really serious about making things last, then they can turn their feelings of lust into love by making an effort to connect at a spiritual level. If one's partner is fairly congenial and is not violent and abusive and is open to committing to a long term marriage then I think it can be done. Long time marital love is something like cold fusion. It doesn't have to be all hot and passionate all the time. It is at a deeper level and is more mature, giving and accepting and is a much more quiet kind of love.

 

This has become very long and so I'll end it here with a last request for you to mull it over and take the challenge of reigniting your marriage and tell Houston that all systems are go! Warm wishes.

 

What a beautifully written post, Just a Guy. I have read this through a few times and it has really made me think.

 

You have really described my parents marriage here. As I was growing up, I never really experienced them being "madly in love", but they were (and still) very good partners, providers, parents and they are definitely spiritually connected and unquestionably love each other in that more mature way.

 

I think chasing lust, that rush of hormones, feeling entitled to it and feeling that a marriage is not working if we do not have that element, is of course a big driver that leads to affairs and to divorces in marriages that could possibly be worked on.

 

I had an affair, and I can see that I am guilty of this. My marriage was fine before the A - there weren't many fireworks, especially after having childen, but a lot of love and emotional connectedness. But I got seduced by the lure of my hormones and excitement - at some level I thought that I was entitled to this and that my marriage was lacking. I'm not the first and I won't be the last to go down this path, but the damage it does is almost incalculable, and cheaters very rarely factor that in or consider that it will catch up with them before they embark on an affair.

 

I work with a lot of Asian people, many of whom have had arranged marriages. From what I can see, it generally works very well. Of course, there are exceptions to this. They find it very hard to understand how quickly many westerners are to give up on their marriages.

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JAG and Jinks...

 

Guys, I just could not disagree more.

 

No, no, no... IMHO, if you do not have a passionate love, don't be married. Why live life that way, and yes I know that sooo many people do and I think it is a complete waste of LIFE.

 

Why would you not want to be with a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room. If you have not been there boys, well I am sorry.

 

I will never waste my life again, I did it for 26 years, not one more minute will I waste having and mediocre love that is just OK.

 

I understand many disagree, this is just where I am at now.

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JAG and Jinks...

 

Guys, I just could not disagree more.

 

No, no, no... IMHO, if you do not have a passionate love, don't be married. Why live life that way, and yes I know that sooo many people do and I think it is a complete waste of LIFE.

 

Why would you not want to be with a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room. If you have not been there boys, well I am sorry.

 

I will never waste my life again, I did it for 26 years, not one more minute will I waste having and mediocre love that is just OK.

 

I understand many disagree, this is just where I am at now.

 

I totally get where you are coming from Blues.

 

But can the behaviour you describe "a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room", last forever?

 

I mean, would it even be RIGHT for it to last forever? When I think of this in the context of my parents, and even grandparents (and for that matter, siblings, uncles, etc, etc)...it kind of makes me laugh. (Perhaps they just keep this passionate side well hidden in public!)

 

Doesn't that level of passion naturally curb and mellow to a more mature kind of passion? Sex between my wife and I is great, very satisfying. But it only happens maybe twice a week, and we are not swinging off chandeliers and knocking over tables in our desperate lust to bang each other!! Although we did long ago in the past! ;)

 

Blues, if you can maintain that kind of passion over a multi-decade relationship, then I raise my glass and take my hat off to you! Good for you! Share your secret!

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Neverbeenhere40

Thanks everyone for all the insight. Many of the comments here have been very thought provoking.

 

I agree with the fact that most marriages, no matter the starting point, get to the comfortable stage. For that I suppose I'm thankful for my marriage. There are lots of regrets for what I never had, but at the same time those regrets do not make me want to chase what I missed out on. What's done is done. At this point I have someone who will be there if I need them financially and to take care of things I'm unable to, as he did with my recent health scare. I do not feel the need to have someone to cuddle on the couch to watch a movie with or hold me when I cry after the death of a loved one. Interestingly enough when I lost my parents and my grandmother I handled it much like a business event. I arranged all the funeral details, eulogized each one, and when I had my breakdown moments I had them in private or with my children to ensure my boys knew it was OK to cry. My husband was by my side, but left me to my own accord to deal with my grief, and I was completely comfortable and happy for it be handled that way.

 

I do volunteer on a regular basis with a few local charitable organizations. I often go to events or concerts, but again am happy to go with my children or alone since my husband doesn't share my passion for arts or music. Again, I don't feel I'm lacking anything by doing things this way. The main difference in where I am now and where we were previously is I am not as politically involved. Was very much a part of local and state politics in my previous area. Had multiple candidate clients who I handled the marketing and campaign management for. Here I am only involved in one local council race. The fact remains though, my lack of emotions and deep connections was the same when I was surrounded by a hundred people.

 

Maybe I am finally allowing myself to feel something because I feel safe enough with this person. They are 1500 miles away so there is no chance of anything physical happening...not that I've even entertained that thought and we've never once discussed anything sexual, I have no clue if he and his wife have sex nightly or if it's been 10 years...brought it up here from previous comments on the thread. He is committed to his marriage. He is currently in the process of building a new home for them to ensure when she is permanently confined to a wheelchair over the next 5 years they will be able to manage. She will likely be in a full time care facility in the next 10 years. I believe he feels the same security with me. He can let me know how hard it is some days, the toll it takes being the sole provider for the family, her primary care provider, the frustration of not being able to be spontaneous, and even the aggravation he feels when he wishes she would just try to have a little bit more self motivation and push herself as her doctors have advised over the years. Yet, he is by her side unconditionally. Life is different than he pictured 25 years ago, but he knows it is what it is and that's the life he has so he makes the most of it.

 

Clearly we are both leaning on each other, but I believe we allow ourselves to because of the safety net. We both just need a friend, and we've become that to one another. We've both acknowledged we have very few friends as we do not easily let others in. She knows about me. My husband knows about him.

 

Thanks again for reading and for the responses. Just getting some of this out is cathartic. Although the more I write, the more I realize the need for added caution. I don't want the safety net we currently view the other as to be yanked away and either of us to fall into a free fall of emotions.

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I totally get where you are coming from Blues.

 

But can the behaviour you describe "a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room", last forever?

 

I mean, would it even be RIGHT for it to last forever? When I think of this in the context of my parents, and even grandparents (and for that matter, siblings, uncles, etc, etc)...it kind of makes me laugh. (Perhaps they just keep this passionate side well hidden in public!)

 

Doesn't that level of passion naturally curb and mellow to a more mature kind of passion? Sex between my wife and I is great, very satisfying. But it only happens maybe twice a week, and we are not swinging off chandeliers and knocking over tables in our desperate lust to bang each other!! Although we did long ago in the past! ;)

 

Blues, if you can maintain that kind of passion over a multi-decade relationship, then I raise my glass and take my hat off to you! Good for you! Share your secret!

 

Let me put it this way...

 

1) If the passion is not there, for me, I find a new one. I know that you are still married and it may be different.

 

2) When I am with a woman, in a relationship, She is treated like a queen inside and outside of the bed room.

 

3) Example, I made love to my new GF almost the entire night last night. And when I got up, made coffee, recovered from the hangover enough to see straight, got her coffee and let her wake up a little. I made love to her until we both had to go to work. We both left with a smile on our face.

 

I am like that every time with most women that I have been with, and doubly with this newest one. She is wet from start to finish, from the moment that I kiss her until I kiss her to leave.

 

It is wonderful...

 

And until my STBXW went completely off the deep end with her drug addiction, it was like that with her...

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Hi Blues, I get what you are saying and I appreciate the fact that you are how you are. There may be others somewhat like you but the fact is that you are unique as each one of us is. My tastes will be alien to you as likewise yours will be to me. I can also understand that you see the world through your own experiences and feelings including your drives, your likes and dislikes and so on. That is what makes you unique. However, as they say, a one size fits all approach does not work with everyone. You are talking about your GF getting wet every time you walk into the room where she is. That is wonderful but I do not think there are many couples who can claim that kind of arousal. It requires a certain animal magnetism which everyone may not have. However that does not mean that there is no love between the husband and wife. Maybe you attract ladies whose love language vibrates at the same level as yours. In that case lucky you. I know in my case I feel a deep connection with my wife. In fact I actually think she is my guardian angel here on Earth as I have been in some dicey situations with her and we have come through unscathed. I also have noticed that I have a psychic connection with her as often I have been thinking of something and she comes out with the exact thing that I was thinking about. Sometimes I come out with something that she was thinking of and surprise her. We have often commented on this.

 

The way I see lust and love is as if I were to compare it with the ocean. On the surface of the ocean a storm may be brewing and the waves are running high and ships at sea are buffeted with high waves. There is a lot of sound and fury all around. However, go down five hundred feet or more and you will find that the waters are quite calm and although there are undercurrents there, they are strong but move in slow motion. The surface of the ocean is like the lust people have for each other with a lot of sound and fury. But when the storm dies down the ocean surface becomes still and if you are in a sailing boat you become stationary not moving in any direction. However deep down below the undercurrents are still there and they are as strong as ever and can move mountains if required. I know it is not an accurate comparison but this is just a way of illustrating how powerful deep love of that kind can be. Maybe the OP's male friend has that kind of love for his wife. However the OP certainly does not have that love at least at present. My suggestion to her was only to see if she could kindle such a love within her heart. After all, she has been with her husband a long time and has had two children with him. It is not as if she does not have emotions. She has bottled up her emotions and these are likely to burst at any time if some trigger comes along. If she is able to channel those emotions by a conscious effort towards her husband then would it not be better than if she squandered them on some guy who came into her life like Hop along Cassidy? If she finds it impossible to create love for her husband then I think it is better she divorce because her love emotion is roiling inside her although she has it bottled safely for now. It only needs a trigger to set it off and she will join the ranks of all those sad folk who have ended up cheating on their spouses. Hope what I wrote makes some sense. Warm wishes.

Edited by Just a Guy
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you would be fine if your H had an affair?

 

maybe you should tell him to have the A. He is feeling your distance.

 

you are having an affair until he backed off, so in your mind it should be okay for him to have an A?

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Clearly we are both leaning on each other, but I believe we allow ourselves to because of the safety net. We both just need a friend, and we've become that to one another. We've both acknowledged we have very few friends as we do not easily let others in. She knows about me. My husband knows about him.

 

Thanks again for reading and for the responses. Just getting some of this out is cathartic. Although the more I write, the more I realize the need for added caution. I don't want the safety net we currently view the other as to be yanked away and either of us to fall into a free fall of emotions.

 

Well, don't say we didn't warn you :)

 

Does your husband know the depth of your relationship with the OM, and does he have access to hear/see all of your communications?

 

Having this kind of "friendship" with a man is risky to say the least. Don't you have female friends you can confide in?

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It doesn't matter what anyone else's personal needs and beliefs are. I happen to agree with Just A Guy, but it doesn't even matter what anyone things about arranged marriage. It doesn't help the OP at all to debate it. It IS a cultural difference, and what works is what is right. There are many things that keep married people together. Love is only one of them, and there are many kinds of love.

 

But love is also there more than you realize, like JAG said. Look up the word "propinquity." It describe a relationship that develops merely by the fact of being in proximity with someone and sharing a lot. Therefore, it means you have a choice to invest that time and interest into improving your relationship with your husband. Why not do that instead of this other person?

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It always amazes me how much effort a woman will put into an extramarital relationship. Things she won't do for her husband, but then blames him for a lack of intimacy, sex, etc. Stuff like losing weight, getting hot new sexy clothes, feigning interest in sports or whatever just to strengthen the bond.

 

I have recently discovered a second inappropriate "friendship" my wife was having with a co-worker a few years back. It was to the point of ILY's:mad:

She says he was a "girly" man nurse who talks to all the women he works with that way. Then I find out the guy was a firefighter before becoming a nurse and loves to go back woods hunting with high powered rifles. Girly man my ass.

 

Looks like my marriage is trashed because my wife had such ****ty boundaries. I would hate to see it happen to the OP.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Neverbeenhere40

Haven't been back to update in a few weeks. My coworker and I have gotten closer, but it is on a friendly only basis. We text often, but it is benign topics, music, Halloween activities, etc. There is nothing in the texts I would have a problem with his wife or my husband seeing. I was out of the office a good bit last month. He didn't call to chat. We didn't speak at all for over a week. He has said nothing remotely sexual or with any innuendos.

 

He does vent to me and let me know he feels he can tell me anything. However, the "anything" he talks to me about is usually work stuff or stuff from his childhood. Nothing romantic.

 

I do feel h is one of my closest friends at the moment. He's the only person I really text with. Not sure how many close friends he has, but he tells me he doesn't really have any friends. Due to other past issues I have a hard time trusting people to be my friend. After the death of my best friend many years ago, then a disagreement with my other best friend a few years after that which led to use not speaking for going on 5 years now, I do not open myself up to friendship often. It feels good to have a friend again. Would feel the same way if it was a same sex friend.

 

I am not looking for an affair. My marriage is what it is, but I'm not looking to end it through the drama an affair would bring. I also know, even if my friend had feelings for me, he will not ever leave his wife. He is too much of a good person to leave her when she has no one to take care of her. She will only continue to get sicker with her illness and he nor I would ever expect anything less than her being his top priority. To me that is friendship not an affair.

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How is his wife? is she capable of walking on her own? i have no idea what disease she has,but sounds like some form of serious multiple sclerosis? i think he might feel lonely and i totally understand him,he is a good man after all it sounds.most men would leave :/ do they have kids?

Edited by adna89
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