Emotional Affair

[rmurphey15]

My wife and I are basically roomates. I have asked her several years for certain things such as talk to me, and spend some time with me. But she always locks herself in the room. I stopped caring a year ago, stopped having sex, and now she is worried, but still wont even try and have a connection.

 

Anyhow I have been lonely for too long. Anyone know where I can get some kind of no guilt emotional affair? Someone to talk to relate to, share things?

[WilyWill]

Don't go that route. Be a man of integrity. Tell your wife that you wanted a real marriage, and that it's apparent she's not interested in you as a husband. Tell her you're going to look for a mediator tomorrow to help split things fairly as part of a divorce.

[dichotomy]

A therapist is a good person to talk to...

 

 

Ya - I am being a little funny, but not really. I had two female therapists and there was some some relief in being able to speak openly about things with someone who generally wanted me to be at peace and healthy.

[somanymistakes]

Tell your wife up-front what you're doing, give her the choice to stay and work things out, leave you to your own devices, OR keep doing what she's doing and let you find another source of comfort with her blessing.

 

Some wives would rather keep their position and let you go have fun on the side. You don't know unless you ask.

[somuchfortheone]

My wife and I are basically roomates. I have asked her several years for certain things such as talk to me, and spend some time with me. But she always locks herself in the room. I stopped caring a year ago, stopped having sex, and now she is worried, but still wont even try and have a connection.

 

Anyhow I have been lonely for too long. Anyone know where I can get some kind of no guilt emotional affair? Someone to talk to relate to, share things?

 

What does she do in the room? Have you asked her what she needs or wants from you? Does she tell you? Does she have depression issues? Either she doesn't realize it's as bad as it is or she is also checked out - and if so, why? Sounds like maybe you both have needs/wants that aren't being met. Maybe some marriage therapy before throwing in the towel?

[treehugger12]

How long have you both married? I’ve been married 27 years to my husband who has a major gaming addiction going on 3 1/2 years but he’s always in his garage and I have cried my eyes out and talking and nothing changes, I to have felt extremely lonely, this wasn’t what I wanted in a marriage, I feel your pain, unfortunately spouses that are not getting there needs met at home start to wander...your not alone, I feel your pain.

[rmurphey15]

How long have you both married? , I feel your pain.

 

 

We have been married 6 years. 3 of them vouching for what I need. Stating what I am going to do if she doesn't , but nothing changes. The past year not caring. I can sum it up to this without exaggeration she has not initiated a hug, kiss, or even said I love you in 5 years

 

If I say I love you she mumbles something inaudible to herself. When I tell her the truth and want to work on it or I ask her to

Come to the therapist I am seeing alone it is always excuses and that I am slandering her name. Also she pulls out the be a man and suck it up card. So she has gotten many chances and I have told her I will search for something once I stoped caring . She isn't in the dark.

[rmurphey15]

What does she do in the room? Have you asked her what she needs or wants from you? Does she tell you? Does she have depression issues? Either she doesn't realize it's as bad as it is or she is also checked out - and if so, why? Sounds like maybe you both have needs/wants that aren't being met. Maybe some marriage therapy before throwing in the towel?

 

 

 

Those are good questions . Depression = no. I ask about her needs or wants she just says to be dependable. Never anything for herself. She might have checked out but I would have to say she checked out 4 years ago because it is the same. Back then I treated her so well. However there is a weird correlation. The nicer I am the more condensendig and abrasive she is. If I'm an ******* she is submissive and quiet.

[merrmeade]

Why do you stay married then?

[elaine567]

Those are good questions . Depression = no. I ask about her needs or wants she just says to be dependable. Never anything for herself. She might have checked out but I would have to say she checked out 4 years ago because it is the same. Back then I treated her so well. However there is a weird correlation. The nicer I am the more condensendig and abrasive she is. If I'm an ******* she is submissive and quiet.

 

Ok, so she is now locking herself in her room and when you are an ******** to her she becomes submissive and quiet and now you are threatening to divorce or cheat on her.

I guess she thinks she is being abused.

What exactly happened 4-5 years ago?

Women tend to have very long memories and things men tend to think are "long ago" and "resolved", are often at the forefront of mind and NOT resolved.

[ayoung73]

I agree with some of the other people in this forum, don’t do this and stop considering this altogether! Just because she’s given up doesn’t mean you have to, and you don’t have to remain unhappy and you can make demands! Either divorce her or stay in the marriage and fulfill the basic tenants of any marriage, for better or for worse! Unfortunately, you’ve had more bad than worse, but it’s no reason for you to compromise your integrity and honor. If you’re considering an affair and you’re serious, walk away and spare both of you all the pain of an affair, emotional or physical, it all hurts the same, I know! It’s been almost ten years and I’m still feeling the effects, not as bad, but the thought creeps in and tries to plant the seed of jealousy and anger.

 

You both deserve better! Think of it this way, if she were sick and you could do something about it, would you help her? What’s the difference now? What you’ve described doesn’t sound too healthy and she could benefit from therapy, her mental health is questionable. Cheating is cheating, it hurts her and it’ll hurt you, maybe not at first, but it will. Please try again, you loved her once, don’t give up on you or your marriage! You may not be religious, but I am, I will pray for you and your wife. Keep me updated, I want to help if I can.

[S2B]

We have been married 6 years. 3 of them vouching for what I need. Stating what I am going to do if she doesn't , but nothing changes. The past year not caring. I can sum it up to this without exaggeration she has not initiated a hug, kiss, or even said I love you in 5 years

 

If I say I love you she mumbles something inaudible to herself. When I tell her the truth and want to work on it or I ask her to

Come to the therapist I am seeing alone it is always excuses and that I am slandering her name. Also she pulls out the be a man and suck it up card. So she has gotten many chances and I have told her I will search for something once I stoped caring . She isn't in the dark.

 

So why not serve her with divorce papers? Get the divorce finished and start dating.

 

Begin living again knowing your wife has no intention of participating in the marriage. There's nothing you can do except end it.

[waterwoman]

Why is an affair a response to your issues rather than a divorce? From your viewpoint your wife is failing in her role.. We can't hear her views so we have to go by what you are saying.

 

You have now stopped caring, stopped initiating sex, and you are unhappy. So why stay? Why be the bad guy and cheat instead of being straightforward and divorce or at least tell her you want an open marriage. It looks to me as if you are jumping straight to the worst option.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Murphy, I wanted to ask you why you married your wife in the first place? From what you have written it appears that your marriage was stillborn and so prior to your getting married there must have been plenty of evidence of what was wrong or lacking in the relationship. We only have one side of the story so it is difficult to make a fair assessment of where the problem lies but to me it seems, if what you have written is true, that there is complete incompatibility between you two. If that be the case then end the misery on both sides.

 

By the way, how old are the two of you and is this the first marriage for both of you? How long did you date and what attracted you to your wife in the beginning?

[Doorstopper]

Why do you say your wife is not suffering from depression? Locking yourself in a room, is not normal human behavior. Does she otherwise, go out, have friends and enjoy life?

 

If not depression, there seems to be some kind of mental illness as part of the equation.

[BTDT2012]

 

Anyhow I have been lonely for too long. Anyone know where I can get some kind of no guilt emotional affair? Someone to talk to relate to, share things?

 

Just no. Fix your marriage or get out of it honorably. Cheating solves nothing.

[knabe]

First, I am sorry you are so unhappy and lonely. Normal people want to spend time and affection with their spouses. It is understandable that you would feel your are at your rope's end.

 

However, do NOT cheat. Here is why:

 

1. If you are a person of character it will NOT make you feel better, not really. Oh you might feel good while you are with the person, but guilt will be there, and fear, and anxiety, and disappointment in yourself.

 

2. You will have basically given away YOUR integrity over your wife's lack of care. Don't let your character be dependent on hers.

 

3. If you cheat, then your very legitimate unhappiness and loneliness will immediate become irrelevant, especially if she finds out. Even if she is the worst person on earth, once you have cheated, you WILL be the bad guy....and you'll be the ONLY bad guy.

 

You say you have talked with her. I don't know if you begged....but don't. I would state your boundary. "I did not get married to have a completely detached roommate. I will not have this kind of marriage. I have made an appointment for us to see "insert counselor" on "insert day." I expect us to work on our marriage or to no longer be married."

 

And as far as her being hurt over something from years ago. She has a voice, and she is not 12. She needs to speak up. And no, you are not being abusive. SHE is being neglectful.

[rmurphey15]

I guess she thinks she is being abused.

What exactly happened 4-5 years ago?

Women tend to have very long memories and things men tend to think are "long ago" and "resolved", are often at the forefront of mind and NOT resolved.

 

 

 

I can see how someone on the outside would think that. The closest thing that has been close to abuse is when I have yelled at her after the belitting starts escalating. Or just flat out avoid her.

 

She was in two abusive physical and emotional prior to me. One that was severly troubling. My theory is she enjoys or is used to be treated that way. or comfortable having an alpha male.

[rmurphey15]

Why is an affair a response to your issues rather than a divorce? From your viewpoint your wife is failing in her role.. We can't hear her views so we have to go by what you are saying.

 

You have now stopped caring, stopped initiating sex, and you are unhappy. So why stay? Why be the bad guy and cheat instead of being straightforward and divorce or at least tell her you want an open marriage. It looks to me as if you are jumping straight to the worst option.

 

Because of kids, and I quit my job to get a masters degree and she holds the finances over my head.

[rmurphey15]

First, I am sorry you are so unhappy and lonely. Normal people want to spend time and affection with their spouses. It is understandable that you would feel your are at your rope's end.

 

However, do NOT cheat. Here is why:

 

1. If you are a person of character it will NOT make you feel better, not really. Oh you might feel good while you are with the person, but guilt will be there, and fear, and anxiety, and disappointment in yourself.

 

2. You will have basically given away YOUR integrity over your wife's lack of care. Don't let your character be dependent on hers.

 

3. If you cheat, then your very legitimate unhappiness and loneliness will immediate become irrelevant, especially if she finds out. Even if she is the worst person on earth, once you have cheated, you WILL be the bad guy....and you'll be the ONLY bad guy.

 

You say you have talked with her. I don't know if you begged....but don't. I would state your boundary. "I did not get married to have a completely detached roommate. I will not have this kind of marriage. I have made an appointment for us to see "insert counselor" on "insert day." I expect us to work on our marriage or to no longer be married."

 

And as far as her being hurt over something from years ago. She has a voice, and she is not 12. She needs to speak up. And no, you are not being abusive. SHE is being neglectful.

 

very helpful thanks

[spanz1]

unless you want all sorts of mind screwing intrigue...get a hall pass before fooling around with another woman.

 

If your wife is truly locking herself in the bedroom to avoid you, she should JUMP at the chance for another woman to take care of you. You would then stop pestering her for that icky sex stuff!

 

It ain't cheating if you get permission.

 

An excellent partner would be another married woman whose husband is sexually shutting her off too! That way there are fewer encumberances...just a physical FWB arrangement.