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Trickle truth- kills any chance?


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Old 7th October 2017, 5:13 PM   #1
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Trickle truth- kills any chance?

I think I may have the entire truth of this affair. Been 18 months of trickle truth. Multiple DDays (where he didn't stop communication.)

Don't think we can recover. We have decided to separate.

Anyone been trickle truthed to death and able to make it work later?
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Old 7th October 2017, 9:21 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starswillshine View Post
I think I may have the entire truth of this affair. Been 18 months of trickle truth. Multiple DDays (where he didn't stop communication.)

Don't think we can recover. We have decided to separate.

Anyone been trickle truthed to death and able to make it work later?
I don't believe I got the whole version of the affair. Not the entire truth from him..most I found out on my own .some he said but most is my assumption that I believe may have happened .

Very rarely a bs is given the whole truth .it takes time ..months and months to find out the whole truth and even then how much of it fo you really know ...how will you ever know how they actually felt in that moment while making that promise ...you never do


I did not want to know every detail .
And
I don't think even they remember every details themselves ...there is so much lies involved so many stories to juggle I don't think even they can keep up ..its exhausting .



But recovery is only possible if communication between them ends.
You cannot stop that .he needs to find that within himself .
Until then both of you may be stuck in the cycle for years and years

Did you ask him what exactly is his end goal here ...why he wants to communicate with the ow ?does he want to work on the marriage?or continue the affair

Does he understand he cannot have both.

What exactly does he want out of this situation. Based on his answers you can decide what you want out of this

Most of us don't want a divorce ...most bs usually want to save their marriage ...but if ws is forcing us in that direction what choice do we have ?


I personally believe reconciliation is possible .but the ws must find it within himself to make a change in order for it to be possible. you cannot make that change for him ..and a bs must be made to feel safe in the marriage for reconciliation to be successful ....catching constant communication between them is like having dday over and over again .

You will be unable to heal best to remove your self from this situation.
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Old 7th October 2017, 10:04 PM   #3
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I never hung around to let it go that far. When someone cheats they are not going to tell you the truth. They are going to minimize their actions as much as they can. Once lost, trust can be regained but it takes a very long time and it is never the same as before. I could not face living with someone who has betrayed my trust. My stomach would be in knots every time I was away on business or she broke her routine. That is no way to live.
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Old 8th October 2017, 7:10 AM   #4
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Very hard to get the truth out of a WS.
Some people can settle for not knowing
it all and some cannot so it is an individual
decision on what is right for you.

You need more truth then schedule a polygraph
test for your WH.

Also have your WH give you a written timeline
of his affair first. Explain that you can not move
forward to recover the marriage without all of
your questions being answered. You do not want
the answers for revenge. You have to make the
WS feel safe to tell you the truth.
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Old 8th October 2017, 10:19 AM   #5
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Yes, I really believe that trickle truth kills any chance for reconciliation. I know I could forgive some level of cheating, but I would never forgive trickle truth that comes after that.

I mean, after I caught you with lying and cheating, raise all my powers to try to give you another chance, and you still continue lying to me? Never!
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Old 8th October 2017, 10:53 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
Very hard to get the truth out of a WS.
Some people can settle for not knowing
it all and some cannot so it is an individual
decision on what is right for you.

You need more truth then schedule a polygraph
test for your WH.

Also have your WH give you a written timeline
of his affair first. Explain that you can not move
forward to recover the marriage without all of
your questions being answered. You do not want
the answers for revenge. You have to make the
WS feel safe to tell you the truth.
We already did a timeline. About 2 renditions ago. Of course lots of lies and half truths.

And he won't write anything about any sort of physical interaction on paper due to likely getting a divorce. Which I know should tell me what I need to know.

From what I know, there has not been contact for 6+ months. But given all the lies, all the half truths, all the trucks truth, the gaslighting, etc.... I can believe nothing. Not even actions.
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Old 9th October 2017, 5:25 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starswillshine View Post
...But given all the lies, all the half truths, all the trucks truth, the gaslighting, etc.... I can believe nothing. Not even actions.
I think that is why I have never really been a fan of reconciliation after cheating.

I think reconciliation to be successful needs a "suspension of disbelief" on the part of the BS.

"Suspension of disbelief - The temporary acceptance as believable of events or characters that would ordinarily be seen as incredible.
The state is arguably an essential element when experiencing any drama or work of fiction. We may know very well that we are watching an actor or looking at marks on paper, but we wilfully accept them as real in order to fully experience what the artist is attempting to convey. "

"...a willingness to suspend one's critical faculties and believe the unbelievable; sacrifice of realism and logic for the sake of the (marriage)"

I believe anyone that enters into reconciliation with a need for the actual, honest truth, will be disappointed and will fail.
Anyone who is open to believing almost "anything", to make sure the marriage survives will get on better.
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Old 9th October 2017, 7:39 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I think that is why I have never really been a fan of reconciliation after cheating.

I think reconciliation to be successful needs a "suspension of disbelief" on the part of the BS.

"Suspension of disbelief - The temporary acceptance as believable of events or characters that would ordinarily be seen as incredible.
The state is arguably an essential element when experiencing any drama or work of fiction. We may know very well that we are watching an actor or looking at marks on paper, but we wilfully accept them as real in order to fully experience what the artist is attempting to convey. "

"...a willingness to suspend one's critical faculties and believe the unbelievable; sacrifice of realism and logic for the sake of the (marriage)"

I believe anyone that enters into reconciliation with a need for the actual, honest truth, will be disappointed and will fail.
Anyone who is open to believing almost "anything", to make sure the marriage survives will get on better.
Agreed. Unfortunately, I don't think I have it in me to be that sort of person.

Found out for sure about another OW. That came before the last. He won't admit to the PA. Another long distance, other side of the country girl.
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Old 9th October 2017, 9:49 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starswillshine View Post
We already did a timeline. About 2 renditions ago. Of course lots of lies and half truths.

And he won't write anything about any sort of physical interaction on paper due to likely getting a divorce. Which I know should tell me what I need to know.

From what I know, there has not been contact for 6+ months. But given all the lies, all the half truths, all the trucks truth, the gaslighting, etc.... I can believe nothing. Not even actions.
For some couples, reconciling doesn't mean they say together. For them, reconciling means getting to a place where you can at least get along as a divorced couple.

That doesn't mean you hate them, are ambivalent or don't love them. You may love them very much, but know that staying with them isn't an option.
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