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husband tried out cheating after 12 years


BrandyKeller

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BrandyKeller

Hi all. I don't know where to turn so I'm hoping I can gain some insight through others opinions and experiences.

 

I was friends with my husband before we started dating and I knew through that friendship I was getting myself into an amazing relationship. We were that couple that was referred to as "relationship goals" from our friends. We travel constantly and are best friends. So when he decided to cheat for the first time in his entire life, and on me of all people, his best friend and wife of 12 years, I was blindsided and gutted. So here is what I know and what I need to know...

 

He told me he started feeling differently towards me about a year ago and has been hiding it (very well). Then, once a small disagreement occurred about his mother I did not realize he was so deeply hurt he could only see me as a friend. He continued to hide this feeling as well. A month after he had been hiding that feeling he met a customer who needed a home installation and apparently they hit it off so much that she asked him out on a date. He initially turned her down and told her he was in a relationship, but she kept pursuing and he gave in after a week.

 

I found out immediately after the date and we sat down and he was as honest as he could be. The date was the first and it went as far as a goodnight kiss, but he admitted that he joked with her that she was the "other woman" and they planned on continuing the affair.

 

He also admitted he had an instant chemistry with, stronger than he initially had with me, but not as strong as our current chemistry. He says he just doesn't have the deep connection to me we use to have. The only solid reason for his disconnect from me that he can think of is that I come across as if I'm selfish and put upon by everyone else and as if the world is out to get me and only me.

 

He has also said he doesn't want to make a rash decision and tell me everything between us is going to work out so he wants to just remain married friends and live in the same house until he figures out what lead him to make such a horrible decision. He recognizes that the affair was a symptom and says he no longer has any feelings for the other girl. He initially suggested a separation, but I refused as I was not unhappy and that will just further depress me. He does constantly remind me he still loves me, just doesn't feel that connection anymore. He says he can't think of having a connection with anyone right now, not until he fixes himself.

 

We go about our lives as if everything is completely normal. I still make breakfast and dinner for him daily and I still hang out with him like nothing happened. We are still best friends, but it is awkward when anything romantic comes up. That is when I am reminded of how messed up our relationship is and when I tend to get depressed myself.

 

The last note I have to add is that we have no children. I am 34 and he is 47. I have been really excited to start a family with him and we even discussed moving to his hometown to be closer to his family to start our own. Now I am scared that at our age, and where we are in the marriage, he and I will take too long to get back to where we were and I won't be able to have the family I wanted with him. Or he will take so long to decide if he even wants to continue our marriage that I won't be able to find a new partner in time to have the connection to start the family I want.

 

So here is what I need to know... Are the red flags blaring in front of me and I don't see it and need to move on? I feel like after a cheater is caught he should be begging for me to take him back and trying to remind me of why I should keep him. Instead he's being very blunt with me and asking me to give him a stable atmosphere while he figures it all out.

 

I am a very strong person, but I was also just destroyed by him and now have to step up and be stronger so he can heal. I feel like he has taken my life, my future family and all of my youth from me. I'm in so much pain, but I'm trying to hold it together to he doesn't have more reason to want to give up.

 

Please tell me if I'm being a fool or a good wife.

 

It has been 3 months since the affair. Today is our 12 year anniversary.

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ExpatInItaly

I am sorry, OP. What an awful discovery.

 

Your husband has already checked out of your marriage. Stop pandering to him and stop behaving like a "good wife." He betrayed you in the worst possible way, and yes, he should be the one trying to make this right. The fact that he's not doing that is very concerning. It also suggests he very likely is still in touch with his other woman and they're also trying to decide if they should be together.

 

Remaining "married friends" and continuing to pretend everything is normal is completely ridiculous. He either needs to work on the marriage with you (in the form of counselling, for example) or he needs to start making arrangements to separate. Whether or not he has feelings for his affair partner is rather beside the point - the point is that his feelings for you and your marriage have changed. Can that be rectified? Possibly. But not by playing happy couple like you haven't had a serious blow to your marriage. Look up "marriage 180" for some ideas; your (his and yours) current approach to this is ineffective.

 

I would also not assume that you know the whole truth about this infidelity. Cheaters very rarely tell all; assume that what he told you is a fraction of the real story. Take a gander around these threads and you'll learn some ways to get closer to the full truth. What you know is probably the sanitized version of events.

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I'd stop all wifely duties immediately. You are being taken for a fool here. Let him feel what it's really like to be single.

 

I would agree with implementing the 180.

180

 

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

 

If you want a family, I'd not count on it with him. I'd give yourself a mental timeline and if he hasn't committed to the marriage by then .... an official separation with a view to divorce is what I personally would do.

 

In all honesty, even if he did say he was all in.... I'm not sure if I could trust him anymore.

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Hi all. I don't know where to turn so I'm hoping I can gain some insight through others opinions and experiences.

 

I was friends with my husband before we started dating and I knew through that friendship I was getting myself into an amazing relationship. We were that couple that was referred to as "relationship goals" from our friends. We travel constantly and are best friends. So when he decided to cheat for the first time in his entire life, and on me of all people, his best friend and wife of 12 years, I was blindsided and gutted. So here is what I know and what I need to know...

 

He told me he started feeling differently towards me about a year ago and has been hiding it (very well). Then, once a small disagreement occurred about his mother I did not realize he was so deeply hurt he could only see me as a friend. He continued to hide this feeling as well. A month after he had been hiding that feeling he met a customer who needed a home installation and apparently they hit it off so much that she asked him out on a date. He initially turned her down and told her he was in a relationship, but she kept pursuing and he gave in after a week.

 

I found out immediately after the date and we sat down and he was as honest as he could be. The date was the first and it went as far as a goodnight kiss, but he admitted that he joked with her that she was the "other woman" and they planned on continuing the affair.

 

He also admitted he had an instant chemistry with, stronger than he initially had with me, but not as strong as our current chemistry. He says he just doesn't have the deep connection to me we use to have. The only solid reason for his disconnect from me that he can think of is that I come across as if I'm selfish and put upon by everyone else and as if the world is out to get me and only me.

 

He has also said he doesn't want to make a rash decision and tell me everything between us is going to work out so he wants to just remain married friends and live in the same house until he figures out what lead him to make such a horrible decision. He recognizes that the affair was a symptom and says he no longer has any feelings for the other girl. He initially suggested a separation, but I refused as I was not unhappy and that will just further depress me. He does constantly remind me he still loves me, just doesn't feel that connection anymore. He says he can't think of having a connection with anyone right now, not until he fixes himself.

 

We go about our lives as if everything is completely normal. I still make breakfast and dinner for him daily and I still hang out with him like nothing happened. We are still best friends, but it is awkward when anything romantic comes up. That is when I am reminded of how messed up our relationship is and when I tend to get depressed myself.

 

The last note I have to add is that we have no children. I am 34 and he is 47. I have been really excited to start a family with him and we even discussed moving to his hometown to be closer to his family to start our own. Now I am scared that at our age, and where we are in the marriage, he and I will take too long to get back to where we were and I won't be able to have the family I wanted with him. Or he will take so long to decide if he even wants to continue our marriage that I won't be able to find a new partner in time to have the connection to start the family I want.

 

So here is what I need to know... Are the red flags blaring in front of me and I don't see it and need to move on? I feel like after a cheater is caught he should be begging for me to take him back and trying to remind me of why I should keep him. Instead he's being very blunt with me and asking me to give him a stable atmosphere while he figures it all out.

 

I am a very strong person, but I was also just destroyed by him and now have to step up and be stronger so he can heal. I feel like he has taken my life, my future family and all of my youth from me. I'm in so much pain, but I'm trying to hold it together to he doesn't have more reason to want to give up.

 

Please tell me if I'm being a fool or a good wife.

 

It has been 3 months since the affair. Today is our 12 year anniversary.

 

Sorry for what you are going through.

 

Did this start up a little after the two of you got serious about starting a family?

 

Did he do it to put it off?

 

Does he want kids?

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I agree with the first two but particularly don't like that you're letting him call all of he shots based on his adolescent whimsies. It sounds more like youre 47 and he's 14! You may be "best friends" in the sense that you share everything, but it doesn't sound like you've gained much depth or maturity as individuals over the year. Did hou talk about how hurtful his actions are???

 

Maybe I'm wrong about you, but he sounds so selfish and ridiculous to think you should just give him the space and freedom to cheat on you. How is that fair? I think you have no choice but to give it to him but not with a free pass back in. No, you just drop his a-- because I'm afraid nothing else will shake his attention away hiimself and his little chemistry experiment.

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When I cheated on my wife all she said was don't do it again. No fight or begging for forgiveness. She knew I was poly years before we even met so it was no big surprise, but women think they can change men after they marry them. I know why I cheated. I cheated because my last fiancé cheated on me as did the next girlfriend. So I cheated first to avoid being hurt. Plus the woman was a model in town for a fashion shoot and I would never get a chance at a girl like her again. It was the best sex of my life and the only woman who could keep up with me. I have always had two girls in my life since I was 11 and the two times I tried to be monogamous, I was cheated on. I guess I was just felt that when we vowed to be sexually fidelitous, it is done with a wink and a nod since so many people cheat.

 

In any event we decided to be ethically non monogamous. Turned out that my wife discovered she is bi and needed both a man and woman in her life, so monogamy was not practical. Society never gives us any options to monogamy, so we divorce most times or spent the rest of the marriage never trusting our spouses as we first did when we married. We found options that worked for us and worked very well.

 

As for the clues, I have found that if it smells like a duck, sounds like a duck and acts like a duck, it is a duck. Sometimes we do not want to believe the obvious, so we grasp at straws to avoid the unpleasantness to follow. No matter the reason for cheating, it is not an appropriate solution to a problem. A tip for you, people who cheat will always minimize what they did. No one is going to say that they had intercourse all night long and it was the best sex of their lives or had oral sex like you never provided. They will tell you as little as they can to avoid making you feel homicidal. :) Remember that you are believing someone who admits to lying to you. That should tell you something right there.

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First thing I want you to do is this....forget all that stuff he spewed to you about not feeling the same for a long time and hiding it, about how the disagreement about his mom made him think differently about you, etc, etc. Forget every single bit of it and never even address it with him bc it's all a bunch of bull****.

 

It's called blameshifting and rewriting marital history. Every cheater does it to try to make the BS (betrayed spouse) feel like the cheating is their fault and to help alleviate their own guilt. It's how they justify to themselves the horrible things they have done. The crazy thing is, they convince themselves it's all true. For a good percentage of them, at some point in the future they'll realize that it is all bull****, but not all of them.

 

Next, this kiss he told you about? Yeah....no, they had sex. "Just a kiss" is cheaterspeak for "we had sex". I know you won't want to believe this, you think that your WH (wayward husband) is different than the other cheater's. No....no he's not. They're all the same. Read some stories here. You'll see.

 

As far as why he told you about it? I suspect that someone saw them out together, and he was worried they would tell you.

 

Another thing....the story about her being a client, I'm not sure I believe that either. Cheaters normally won't stop making contact with their AP (affair partner) unless all hell has broken loose regarding the relationship. Or unless it was just a hookup, like off of a hookup website. I suspect that many of his "client calls" are hookups.

 

The main takeaway from my post is this:

 

Cheaters lie. And then they lie. And then they lie some more. And some more. And even more. If he's talking about his A (affair), don't believe it.

 

You need to decide if you want to save the relationship or not. If you do want to save it, then you first need to know the level of his betrayal. This can be obtained by:

 

- checking your cell phone bill for his usage

- planting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car

- putting a GPS on his car

- demand an STD test. You'll need one too. Cheaters never use protection

- get into his email. Do a search for hookup website emails. Check in his promotions email.

- put a keylogger on your home computer

 

And then once all this is done and the investigation is underway, tell him that for you to move forward with your marriage, that you need him to take a polygraph test. This may seem absurd to you, but more than the results of the polygraph, his reaction will be even more telling. If he is truly telling the truth, he'll offer up no resistance. If you don't have the full story, he'll resist,big time. He'll hem and haw about it, he'll say OK and then reneg a dozen times, he'll explode with anger that you should just believe him. A lot of times what happens is if you actually schedule the appointment, you'll get the "parking lot confession" right before the test.

 

Lastly, you need to file for D (divorce) and tell him he has until the D is final to convince YOU to stay with him. He is not is the driver's seat right now. YOU ARE. He's the one that cheated. You're the one that needs to decide if you still want him. You don't have kids yet, so a D at this point in your relationship won't be nearly as difficult. Do not play the "pick me dance" with him. He needs to understand that you aren't chasing him. You're in your lower 30s with no kids. You can find another guy. You don't have to stay with him to be happy.

 

Please keep posting here. You'll get great guidance.

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The last note I have to add is that we have no children.

I am 34 and he is 47.

I have been really excited to start a family with him and we even discussed moving to his hometown to be closer to his family to start our own.

 

I guess this is the main problem, he is 47, who really wants to have kids at 47?

Not I guess a man who has spent the last 47 years no doubt avoiding them?

He was down to the wire, it was time to make a life changing decision and he ducks out and starts seeing another woman...

It is ALL your fault for being so selfish and making it all about you and about having kids, what else was the poor man to do? /sarcasm

 

You just put all your eggs in the wrong basket here.

He is not husband and father material. Probably never was.

 

It is a pity you did not realise this at 24 instead of 34, but do not delay any longer. If you want kids then move on.

 

The others are right you no longer have a best friend, he has been replaced by a cheater and cheaters lie and lie and lie...

He has provided you with a damage control version of events. If you press you will no doubt find it was more than one date.

 

...OK I admit it was only 2 dates, honest...

Oh OK it was more than 2 dates.

It was not just a kiss it was a full make out session...

It was not just a make out session it was sex, but only once...

OK, it was sex a few times but it was only been going on for a few weeks, then a few months, then a year, then...

It is called trickle truthing and before you know it, it was a full blown affair with all the bells and whistles...

The fact he has not caved and promised you the earth, I guess means he is probably still seeing her, I am sorry to say.

 

How old is this woman?

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somanymistakes

Hi brandykeller sorry this is happening to you. Before I start remember that I, and everyone else, are only voices on the internet and we don't know how things really are between you and your husband. Sometimes we are totally wrong, sometimes we see every situation as being our situation and give advice that is not suited to you at all. So if some of us don't sound helpful, just ignore us.

 

I was friends with my husband before we started dating and I knew through that friendship I was getting myself into an amazing relationship. We were that couple that was referred to as "relationship goals" from our friends. We travel constantly and are best friends. So when he decided to cheat for the first time in his entire life, and on me of all people, his best friend and wife of 12 years, I was blindsided and gutted. So here is what I know and what I need to know...

 

First off, congrats on the 12 years, many people don't make it that far (sad to say but true!) I hope they've been happy years for you. Even if the relationship does end after this, don't think of those years as being wasted, if they were good years. People grow and change over time. Sometimes even when they're married they grow in different directions. Not all relationships last forever, but we can still enjoy what we've had and be thankful for it.

 

He told me he started feeling differently towards me about a year ago and has been hiding it (very well). Then, once a small disagreement occurred about his mother I did not realize he was so deeply hurt he could only see me as a friend. He continued to hide this feeling as well. A month after he had been hiding that feeling he met a customer who needed a home installation and apparently they hit it off so much that she asked him out on a date. He initially turned her down and told her he was in a relationship, but she kept pursuing and he gave in after a week.

 

Now this, this is the most suspicious part of the whole story to me personally. I find it highly unlikely that a woman he met briefly during a job pursued him that aggressively after being told he was married and that he just had to give in. That just isn't how Other Women behave, generally. I am willing to bet that he's fudging the truth here to try and deflect responsibility. More than likely he flirted with her for a while before admitting that he was married, and rather than actually trying to fend her off, did the whole "Oh i really shouldn't but you're so attractive but I really shouldn't but i wouldn't say no if you wanted to get some drinks..." dance.

 

I found out immediately after the date and we sat down and he was as honest as he could be. The date was the first and it went as far as a goodnight kiss, but he admitted that he joked with her that she was the "other woman" and they planned on continuing the affair.

 

This is important: how did you find out? Did he come home with you suspecting nothing at all, and then sit you down and say "We need to talk: I just went on a date?" Or did you immediately know something was wrong when he was out, and he confessed only after you questioned him?

 

Most cheaters will hide it as long as they possibly can. If you guessed rather than him telling you, there's a strong chance that there's more to the story than you know.

 

He has also said he doesn't want to make a rash decision and tell me everything between us is going to work out so he wants to just remain married friends and live in the same house until he figures out what lead him to make such a horrible decision. He recognizes that the affair was a symptom and says he no longer has any feelings for the other girl. He initially suggested a separation, but I refused as I was not unhappy and that will just further depress me. He does constantly remind me he still loves me, just doesn't feel that connection anymore. He says he can't think of having a connection with anyone right now, not until he fixes himself.

 

Asking for a separation, in most cases, means "I want the freedom to date." Because if he's officially separated, dating isn't illegal and can't be used against him in a divorce trial. Asking for a separation rather than a divorce tends to mean that he wants a chance to try out some other woman and see if she's worth leaving you for.

 

On the bright side, directly asking for a separation rather than trying to cover everything up IS a sign of more honesty than some people have. But if he gave in to staying with you, and yet isn't trying to really fix things between you, he might be secretly deciding that the "least harm" to you is for him to date other women in secret.

 

The last note I have to add is that we have no children. I am 34 and he is 47. I have been really excited to start a family with him and we even discussed moving to his hometown to be closer to his family to start our own. Now I am scared that at our age, and where we are in the marriage, he and I will take too long to get back to where we were and I won't be able to have the family I wanted with him.

 

And this may actually be a big part of why things are going wrong now. The age gap between you, which wasn't a big deal when you first got together, is starting to show more. He's getting older and may not really want to take on the challenge of a new child at his age.

 

He may even decide that the best way to "make you happy" is to get you pregnant and then divorce you. "See, now you have a baby! You got what you wanted, now I'm going to go get what I want..." It does happen sometimes.

 

Your chances of raising a family with him do not seem good to me.

 

So here is what I need to know... Are the red flags blaring in front of me and I don't see it and need to move on? I feel like after a cheater is caught he should be begging for me to take him back and trying to remind me of why I should keep him. Instead he's being very blunt with me and asking me to give him a stable atmosphere while he figures it all out.

 

Some people here will say that every cheater is exactly the same, but they really aren't. It depends on why they did what they did, and what they want out of their future.

 

He's not begging you to forgive him partly because you aren't threatening to leave him. His stability isn't at risk. What he wants from you right now isn't reassurance, it's permission to date other women. That's what he's angling for, that's what all his planning and thoughts are focused on right now. Not on fixing things with you.

 

 

You need to decide for yourself what YOU really want, and what information YOU need to help you plan.

 

Are you willing to stay with him if you never have children together?

 

Are you willing to stay with him if he demands an open marriage?

 

Are you willing to stay with him if he's lied to you about what happened between him and his date?

 

Are you willing to stay with him if he's lying to you right now and is still cheating on you?

 

 

If you're willing to stay but only if he does X, Y, and Z, you need to make those things clear and you need to check up on him to be sure they're true. If you're willing to stay but only if he's not sleeping with this other woman, you should probably check up on him to be sure that he's not. On the other hand, if you're only willing to stay if you guys have kids, and he's not willing to have them, then it doesn't matter if he's sleeping with someone else or not, you need to get out anyway, don't waste your time investigating him just to "prove" that he's a cheater.

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Your H's pattern is not atypical. I think he's full of it and is just plain lying.

 

I don't have enough time to post as much as I would like to, but I see two ways you could take this.

 

You could go into spy/detective mode and get the real story, or

 

you could tell him you want him to be happy and help him pack his things.

 

Right now, you are bending over backwards to make it easy for him to be a selfish jerk.

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Not to be dismissive, but what does that mean "tried out cheating..." He made the decision to go on a date with another woman. He kissed her and he admitted that they planned on continuing the affair. He may not have had sex with this woman yet, but he wanted to have sex with her.

 

The things that jump out to me when I read your story...

 

Your husband is clearly checked out of your marriage. When you are in a relationship for 12 years with the love of your life, your feelings don't change and you don't see the other person as a friend after a single disagreement. You understand that this just doesn't happen, right?

 

He is attempting to rewrite history and blame shift. He doesn't feel like he has the same connection with you. You are selfish and feel put upon by everyone else - this is he "reason" why he feels that his feelings for you have changed. Not likely.

 

He's also not really accepting responsibility for his decision to go out with this this other woman and kiss her. After all, "she pursued him and he held out for a week before he finally gave in..." He held off her advances for a week! IF she was really pursuing him, a man who is committed to his marriage would have respectfully refused and shut her down immediately.

 

He probably asked for a separation because he wants to be available to date.

 

You refused, so he agreed to live as "married friends" while HE figures out what HE wants for his life. You know that this is not really a thing, right? And that's not really fair to you.

 

He is not begging for forgiveness because he doesn't need too. He holds all the cards right now. When he decides what he wants, he will decide the future of your marriage... And in the mean time, he enjoys the stability of married life while you will continue to make dinner and care for the home.

 

If you wanted children, why did you wait so long to have them? The age difference probably wasn't much of an issue before, but it certainly is now. He is at the age of the "mid-life crisis" and what you want (to have children and build a family), may not be what he wants at this stage of his life. I wouldn't have any children with this man now.

 

If you plan to try and work through the issues in your marriage, need to get to marriage counselling and he needs to get himself to individual counselling.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you well.

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I wouldn't waste any more time with a husband who is this disengaged and unmotivated. I especially note the part where he supposedly told the supposedly aggressive sex-demanding client that he was "in a relationship". Translation: "I have a girlfriend, NOT a wife". So even with all the lies he's obviously told, he couldn't bend the truth far enough even to lie to you that he told her he was married.

 

Given you want a family, there's no time to lose. I would move for divorce immediately, and then get into intensive IC to work on your manpicker and your views of what honest intimacy really looks like. You don't want to pick another dud. Good luck!

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The red flags that you have in front of you are that your husband is right he is a troubled man and he is double minded and is trying to ride the fence. I doubt that you can endure another three months with his neglect of you.

 

 

After three months your husband should be making good progress in rebuilding his life and helping you to recover. Is he doing that? If not you need to give him some help. That help is that you will tell him to either shyt or get off the pot. Either he is NOW going to take whatever action he needs to take to get over his troubled self or he will be responsible for a ruined marriage. He also needs s to know that you are going to take action to get your life in better shape with or without him.

 

No matter what your husband does you need to work on you getting stronger so that you can learn to live with him or without him. Do not sacrifice you getting better to help him. If you can do both then great but you are the very top priority. Your husband has proven that he is not going to have your best interest at heart so you have to take care of yourself. He got himself into this mess and he is the main one to get himself out.

 

 

You need to start getting better in body, mind, soul, emotions so that your husband’s actions do not make you into a door mat.

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oh dear. It sounds like you just got your own version of the " i love you but I am not in love with you" speech that is a typical line for cheaters.

 

My best advice for you right now is to think with your head and not your heart. I really do think he's still seeing her, under the guise of you and him living like friends.

 

For his sake as much as your, don't do this. If he wants to keep on being married, he needs to step up to the plate and do the hard work of figuring out why he chose to have an affair. If he's not willing to do this, then it's time to put yourself first. Start treating him as a roommate and not a friend.No more cooking or cleaning for him. Be nice, be polite, but other than that, go your own way.

 

Also, no matter what your plans may be, talk to a lawyer. find out what your rights and responsibilities are, as the more knowledge you have, the better off you will be. You will be able to make decisions based on information and not fear.

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pheonixrisen
Hi all. I don't know where to turn so I'm hoping I can gain some insight through others opinions and experiences.

 

I was friends with my husband before we started dating and I knew through that friendship I was getting myself into an amazing relationship. We were that couple that was referred to as "relationship goals" from our friends. We travel constantly and are best friends. So when he decided to cheat for the first time in his entire life, and on me of all people, his best friend and wife of 12 years, I was blindsided and gutted. So here is what I know and what I need to know...

 

He told me he started feeling differently towards me about a year ago and has been hiding it (very well). Then, once a small disagreement occurred about his mother I did not realize he was so deeply hurt he could only see me as a friend. He continued to hide this feeling as well. A month after he had been hiding that feeling he met a customer who needed a home installation and apparently they hit it off so much that she asked him out on a date. He initially turned her down and told her he was in a relationship, but she kept pursuing and he gave in after a week.

 

I found out immediately after the date and we sat down and he was as honest as he could be. The date was the first and it went as far as a goodnight kiss, but he admitted that he joked with her that she was the "other woman" and they planned on continuing the affair.

 

He also admitted he had an instant chemistry with, stronger than he initially had with me, but not as strong as our current chemistry. He says he just doesn't have the deep connection to me we use to have. The only solid reason for his disconnect from me that he can think of is that I come across as if I'm selfish and put upon by everyone else and as if the world is out to get me and only me.

 

He has also said he doesn't want to make a rash decision and tell me everything between us is going to work out so he wants to just remain married friends and live in the same house until he figures out what lead him to make such a horrible decision. He recognizes that the affair was a symptom and says he no longer has any feelings for the other girl. He initially suggested a separation, but I refused as I was not unhappy and that will just further depress me. He does constantly remind me he still loves me, just doesn't feel that connection anymore. He says he can't think of having a connection with anyone right now, not until he fixes himself.

 

We go about our lives as if everything is completely normal. I still make breakfast and dinner for him daily and I still hang out with him like nothing happened. We are still best friends, but it is awkward when anything romantic comes up. That is when I am reminded of how messed up our relationship is and when I tend to get depressed myself.

 

The last note I have to add is that we have no children. I am 34 and he is 47. I have been really excited to start a family with him and we even discussed moving to his hometown to be closer to his family to start our own. Now I am scared that at our age, and where we are in the marriage, he and I will take too long to get back to where we were and I won't be able to have the family I wanted with him. Or he will take so long to decide if he even wants to continue our marriage that I won't be able to find a new partner in time to have the connection to start the family I want.

 

So here is what I need to know... Are the red flags blaring in front of me and I don't see it and need to move on? I feel like after a cheater is caught he should be begging for me to take him back and trying to remind me of why I should keep him. Instead he's being very blunt with me and asking me to give him a stable atmosphere while he figures it all out.

 

I am a very strong person, but I was also just destroyed by him and now have to step up and be stronger so he can heal. I feel like he has taken my life, my future family and all of my youth from me. I'm in so much pain, but I'm trying to hold it together to he doesn't have more reason to want to give up.

 

Please tell me if I'm being a fool or a good wife.

 

It has been 3 months since the affair. Today is our 12 year anniversary.

 

A wrong word about his mum ...made him loose any kind of romantic feelings for you...thats BS and you should have called him out on it.

 

You are in no way responsible for his affair .

 

Everything you mentioned is nothing new .its right out of the cheater handbook and they all seem to have a common pattern

 

HE is blame shifting /justifying his action by putting it on you and you walked right into it agreeing for 3 months

 

He is rewriting your history .because he needs to make it feel right in his head why he is doing this to you.all that you may have said wrong is currently magnified in his head because he needs to feel he is the wronged party who was pushed into the affair .

 

Do not buy the story of ow pursued him .sorry that's a lie .And call him out on it .

 

he is still in an affair and he is figuring out what action to take while he is fooling both woman .he might finally choose you. But until then he is enjoying his cake.and you don't want that to happen because then he would do it repeatedly .

 

Don't be a push over .don't do anything for him .don't wait on him till he decides who he wants to pick .

 

If he wants to remain married to you .he needs to earn your love and trust back .Please don't give it to him only for him to throw it back on your face .I know it hurts its single handedly the most devastating sitiation to be in was in .And most of us here were exactly in this place at one point .

 

Please find a lawyer know your rights and file .You need to shake things up to read up on the 180 to protect your self .

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pheonixrisen

Do check the phone bills

 

Do invest in a VAR ASAP.

 

You will get more info from what you find on your own hardly anything from them.they will lie lie and lie and make up more stories to cover those lies.

 

Sorry it gets a lot worst before it gets better whether together or separated

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Also, no matter what your plans may be, talk to a lawyer. find out what your rights and responsibilities are, as the more knowledge you have, the better off you will be. You will be able to make decisions based on information and not fear.

 

Agreed.

 

OP you need to start getting your ducks in a row, you have a husband who apparently has one foot out of your marriage, so you need to start protecting yourself. and looking out for number one.

He has had a whole year to think about things.

He may have already been stashing money away in new bank accounts or hiding or selling assets.

Many men will choose not to leave marriages, but if he has an OW pressing him to leave then he may do just that.

I am not saying he definitely has an ongoing OW, but you need to consider that as a real possibility.

I know it all may seem like catastrophizing, but better safe than sorry.

If you can afford it hire a PI, but if not, the advice given already by GoldenR may give you clarity as regards what you are facing.

Remember you do not need to "prove" to him he is cheating, he already knows that, all you need is enough "proof" in order for you to make the best decision you can for yourself.

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grassisorisntgreener

Former cheater here.

 

This is all speculation, but my guess is he cheated on you way before he told you he checked out. And he was worried about getting caught so he gave you that line about not being into you and said he went on a date. I wouldn't believe any of that crap.....

 

I'm sorry you're here..

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Former cheater here.

 

This is all speculation, but my guess is he cheated on you way before he told you he checked out. And he was worried about getting caught so he gave you that line about not being into you and said he went on a date. I wouldn't believe any of that crap.....

 

I'm sorry you're here..

Thanks for the headsup but this is so much worse and makes me sick to my stomach for the OP - and for all of us. And furious! What a waste of our lives to throw hours and years away trying to understand, all the poor BSs struggling even to figure out they're being played.

 

I can see you don't but wonder how many WSs care that their secrets make us pathetic fools, subjecting ourselves to the further humiliation of digging for the truth. Trickle truth IS about power and image. But they're safe. We won't get it because it's so much worse than the worst we'd imagined.

 

For myself, I want to throw the whole effort, care, and understanding into the cesspool of what-it-is-to-be-a-cheater and leave it for their hell. I'm tired of wallowing in their nasty world that sacrifices lives to desire and attraction. Let them stay stuck, avoiding the complicated work of adult love. The secrets should not have the power to destroy. Let them spin their lives out proving their superiority to others of their sex without anyone noticing.

 

Whatever. THEY sure as hell don't waste their lives figuring out their own shyt. Why do we do it for them? They don't even want to know.

 

If rug sweeping is to turn my gaze back to the world I loved before betrayal and saying to hell with WS sickness, then give me a broom.

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I wasn't reacting to the post per se, suggesting that OP's WH had probably been stepping out already. Grassisorisntgreener's post conveyed compassion and a wish to help. It was just the idea that we have to knock our heads aganst the wall in frustration, trying to interpret a year and a half of enigmatic behavior until a former ws walking by figured it out. It's good to know (and she is probably right) but terrible at the same time.

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He asked for a separation. I think that makes it pretty clear he wants out of the marriage. You can say no, but really, that buys you a warm body in a few more minutes to pretend that your marriage is fine.

 

When he does something like have an affair and announce he wants out and the response is “no” and then you go about life as normal while meditating on what will happen if you can’t get pregnant right away, then it’d pretty clear you’ve got some serious issues and marital disconnects.

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