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Does the anger ever go away?


Browneyedboy

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Browneyedboy

So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.

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Many BH have an anger phase that often starts

six months from D day and this period usually

lasts for six months.

 

With time the thinking about what happened will

gradually less often and these thoughts will

will be over faster.

 

Thing is what do you want to do with your marriage?

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Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. She's gone back to her other man several times it seems. Your marriage ended when she broke her vows. Would you marry her again knowing who she's shown you she is?

 

You will have anger it's perfectly normal but in order to have a good life and future you will have to drop the rope (let her go).

 

You don't mention kids, etc and it would be best to go your own way. Plan it. Then put you time and effort in getting where you want to be.

 

During separation (usually used to make more time for her other man) she will be in very deep with him if not living together. All cheaters lie, hide and deny. It's who they are. So it's important to cut off all unnecessary contact. If you don't it'll just mean more hurt for you. I'm sure like most she'll bring up the "lets be friends" game. This is for her not you.

 

Under the circumstances the marriage is over. Seek out a good attorney and file. Laying around in a codependent limbo won't do much for you.

 

Good info here so read up

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

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Browneyedboy

Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.

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Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.

 

It takes 2-5 years to reconcile if you are both willing and her load would be very heavy. No guarantees. Do you really want to take this on and spend that much of your time/life on it?

 

If not, file and cut off any unnecessary contact. Time will fix the rest.

 

It's not the end of the world and she's no special snowflake. Just another typical cheater. It's just happened to you is the only thing different.

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The other thing is if she's still in contact with her other man the affair is ongoing and nothing can be done until that is over.

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whichwayisup
So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.

 

Maybe it's time to file for divorce? She's cheated on you twice now and really seems to have no shown you remorse or tried to fix herself, to try to prove to you she's worthy of staying married to you.

 

Have you considered seeking counseling to help you cope with the anger and find some peace?

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Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.

 

Is up to you.

 

What is she doing to repair the marriage?

 

If you two have no kids then I say divorce and start anew.

 

If you have kids, divorce and make sure they know they are loved.

 

You said it already, relationships are built on trust. You have no trust in this cheater.

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So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.
Don't wish to get rid of your anger. It's not that long since you separated, right?. Your anger is normal, natural and a sign of emotional health at this point. If it gets pushed underground, if you try to bury it, it will transform into depression and destroy you that way.

 

No, the best way to get past it is just to feel it. You can work out, run or work in the yard to work it out safely each time. It will pass sooner this way.

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Wait a minute. You stayed together? Then it's lots harder. BUt same thing, don't try NOT to feel something.

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Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

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somanymistakes

You probably know this already but DON'T listen to a complete stranger who knows nothing about your situation and just walks straight in victim-blaming you!

 

Look, you've forgiven your wife many times and she always cheats again. The problem here is her, NOT you. The best way to let go of your anger is to let go of your cheating wife and find someone who is capable of being HONEST about her needs.

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Yes, the anger becomes weaker and might even be gone in a few years, but in order ot acheive that, you need to make some technical actions, like filing for divorce, splitting property ect...

 

It seems that right now you're sitting on the fence. This is not a good place to remain if you want to heal.

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Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.

 

Trust can be repaired like a broken cup glued back

together and it will not leak. Though the cracks will

always still be seen.

 

In a marriage the trust can be restored to have a good

marriage again though the trust will never be the way

it was.

 

Though if you want to end things then it is best to go

NC with your WW.

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Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

 

Your assumption is wrong. People cheat even if they feel loved and adored. Granted it happens when people grow apart, but it mostly happens in every day relationships where the betrayed one has no clue to what or why it happened.

 

In the case of a woman. If she is not really in love with her husband any silver tongued devil will get her blood pulsing. If she has character and morals she might play a little at it with out cheating. If she is of a weak character or no morals, she will cheat.

 

In the cast of men it is the same. They cheat for different reasons but it is still the same. They really don't love their wife and have a weak character and no morals.

 

It's like the excuses women give in the magazine articles of late. Cheating has bettered my marriage ( billshet ). It is just an excuse to cheat.

 

It is never the betrayed partners fault they were cheated on, never.

 

If a person is in unhappy in a relationship, then get the heck out before you cheat.

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Your anger is a natural reaction to being betrayed over and over again. Anger is often the first strong emotion a man feels, but the pain & shame of it all will hit you sometime down the road.

 

What you are doing right now is the fastest way to get through all of this and begin to heal. Have zero contact with her & you will begin to detach much quicker than you think. The key is NO contact. File for divorce ASAP and push forward with your life. You will think about her less and less as time goes by, and over time the fact that you did not tolerate living with a cheater will help you past the pain of betrayal. Move forward & don't give her a backwards glance.

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The anger is natural and it does go away, if you allow it to. Anger is a funny thing... You don’t invite it generally, but there does seem to be a point where you either passively allow it to overstay its welcome or decide to start letting it go and replacing the void it filled with something else.

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Anger does go away after a good amount of time and NO CONTACT. If you are in contact with the cheater, then expect your healing to take longer.

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oldbutcurious
... but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. ..

 

It is understandable that you are angry, you've been hurt repeatedly.

 

If you cannt avoid her, then, just stop looking or even minding her. It is a difficult situation to love, be betrayed REPEATEDLY, and still cannot avoid that person who hurt you.

 

Maybe, in a few weeks more, or months, you'll get over her, someone comes along and you'll learn to trust again.

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After my first marriage ended the anguish and pain and anger - (all feelings) probably ended about 1 year after I last saw her. Thank God we had no children.

 

If your remain married (decide to stay) or have part time contact (shared custody with kids) - it could take years and years for it to go away.

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ladydesigner

My story is similar to yours OP. My WS had a three year affair that I caught in the first 3 months and then kept catching them thereafter. I think my anger ate me alive. I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for my WS. I love him as a friend, as the father of our kids, but I will never get past his betrayal. We are in R I guess you can call it that. I don't allow myself to open up too far in fear of getting hurt again. I think I will always have this barrier of safety and I know I would bring this into my next relationship. After 3 major failed relationships including my M I have no interest in 'being in love' or 'falling in love'.

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40somethingGuy
So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.

I am a year and half out from the affair where my wife was trying to get with an ex FWB from 18 years ago when it was by chance discovered we are somewhat neighbors. What I saw in text messages shocked me to the core. I always loved being married and raising our kids together in our home. I wasn't ready to let that go so I decided to give this time. She has been NC with him once I squashed things but I just can't feel the same towards her and probably never will. My plan is to get a different job with better health benefits as I am on her amaze plan now and get acclimated in my new job. Then out of the blue-hopefully early next year- I will file and walk on her. My main issue now is I regret not telling her to pound sand then and my worry then was regretting not trying to work it out. I deserve to have a lover that infidelity doesn't hang over. My wife is tainted forever in my eyes and I lost some self respect for her basically surviving her disgusting deeds. The only thing that sucks is I have to deal with her until kids are adults and she gets to take my money for being a betrayer.

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I am a year and half out from the affair where my wife was trying to get with an ex FWB from 18 years ago when it was by chance discovered we are somewhat neighbors. What I saw in text messages shocked me to the core. I always loved being married and raising our kids together in our home. I wasn't ready to let that go so I decided to give this time. She has been NC with him once I squashed things but I just can't feel the same towards her and probably never will. My plan is to get a different job with better health benefits as I am on her amaze plan now and get acclimated in my new job. Then out of the blue-hopefully early next year- I will file and walk on her. My main issue now is I regret not telling her to pound sand then and my worry then was regretting not trying to work it out. I deserve to have a lover that infidelity doesn't hang over. My wife is tainted forever in my eyes and I lost some self respect for her basically surviving her disgusting deeds. The only thing that sucks is I have to deal with her until kids are adults and she gets to take my money for being a betrayer.
I like it and hate it when someone so perfectly nails this aspect of R.

 

I think the final word comes down to the WS. I see the imperfections in my flawed but utterly committed WH and still bristle at the dishonor he did to me. But I also see that he just keeps trying. He never gives up. He does react sometimes when the subject comes up unexpectedly, but he regrets it later and never holds it against me that I am still dealing with it. I feel compassion and appreciation for the strides he has made.

 

But we are each who we are and must live with our individual situations. Betrayal and affairs are predictable, boring and alike to me now—one predictable pattern. But reconciliation is still a frontier with lots of uncharted, wild, scary places that we have little help with. And it seems different for each couple, each partner. Sorry, I digress...

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Error: I misread 40somethingGuy. He's planning an escape. I totally get it and it's good for OP to pay attention. Whether it's like my situation or someone else's, the point is that it's really hard and profoundly unfair to suffer any bullsh-t whatsoever—any objections, reactions or resistance—from the WS. Can't blame anyone for deciding it's not worth it.

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