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Iwontbefooledagain

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Iwontbefooledagain

that detailed a long term affair. There was also irrefutable proof that my spouse has been engaging in sex outside the relationship/marriage before, during and probably still is.

 

 

About ten years ago I found a hidden email account and I didn't look far into it. Instead I got us to a marriage counselor and championed on. We both basically said we were in the marriage for the kids. So we stayed.

 

 

A few years ago my spouse told me they didn't feel romantic love for me anymore. Revealed some truths that were hidden from me. Lies. Not about an affair more about feelings, towards me, my family, and things done in youth. This sent me reeling. Saw a divorce attorney.

 

 

Then life took an unexpected turn for us and we were in a holding pattern due to finances, and pretty tied in. So no one left.

 

 

Now this. From the emails copied, the texts copies, hundreds of photos with others and a membership to a sex forum going back almost twenty years (the username is my spouses--proof of that also) I now see I am married to a stranger. A sex addict.

 

 

How do I survive this? We are not intimate so the risk of a STD is zero. I had that checked back in 2013. For me, failure is not an option. I don't want to be divorced.

 

 

I think I'm going crazy.

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You don't want to divorce, even after all this? In that case, don't do anything, just carry on as you have been. Other than someone informing you, you'd still be clueless, and he's obviously been very discreet. As you're not intimate, he probably feels justified in satisfying that need elsewhere, and - like you - is only staying for the children. Nothing material has changed, and you still want the same thing. If you make it an issue, he may well divorce you - unless you're okay with that, of course.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
For me, failure is not an option. I don't want to be divorced.

 

 

Sorry, but that ship has sailed :(.

 

Sorry you're here :(.

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Iwontbefooledagain

Thank you for the response, Central. Interesting you assumed I am a woman. I suspected an affair, asked repeatedly but was afraid to really know. Now I do.

 

 

From the emails, texts and pictures it is obvious that many/most of my spouses friends knew/know of these liaisons. Birds of a feather flock together I guess. This is a huge part of the betrayal. How do I ever look at them again or have them to our home? These are friendships longer then our marriage, not acquaintances. A 10 year affair? They were part of that. I am friends with their spouses and now I know what they are doing. What do I do with that?

 

 

The cheating goes back to when we dated. We haven't been intimate since the "I don't love you romantically anymore" talk. So the excuse of No Sex doesn't apply here. There is no excuse.

 

 

You're right about the no divorce hardline. I am not going to condone my spouse stepping out on me.

 

 

Thank you again.

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Well if you just don't want to be divorced.....

 

You just keep going like you've been going for all this time. You both have already admitted on several occasions that you're only staying for the kids. You're not intimate.

 

Just ignore it and continued your life together coexisting for the kids.

 

Seems like both of you are content with that.

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Iwontbefooledagain
Sorry, but that ship has sailed :(.

 

Sorry you're here :(.

 

 

 

 

I think I am in shock but not. I always suspected lies. But not the extent of the betrayal and the depth of depravity.

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You posted st the same time as me,

 

It seems like you care more about everything except your spouse

 

Do you love your spouse? Do you want to have a good marriage?or do you just want your life not to change?

 

If you don't really care about your spouse then who ares that their friends kept their mouths shut?

 

Is this more about pride for you? Or do you actually love your spouse?

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Since there is no sexual attraction, and divorce was imminent until a financial crisis hit, have you considered having an open marriage? Your spouse has already taken the liberty.

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Iwontbefooledagain

Hi Allie, thank you for commenting.

 

 

We are more like roommates, there is no passion. But we are compatible in the important ways. We have the same goals financially, we know the importance of family. We travel, shop together.

 

 

Do I love him? Not right now! M

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Hi Allie, thank you for commenting.

 

 

We are more like roommates, there is no passion. But we are compatible in the important ways. We have the same goals financially, we know the importance of family. We travel, shop together.

 

 

Do I love him? Not right now! M

 

Is love and passion something you want in your life?

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Iwontbefooledagain

Methodical, I understand your suggestion as I myself am methodical. No, I would not agree to an open marriage.

 

 

I think we both should suffer if we stick together.

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Iwontbefooledagain

CO--love and passion can be experienced in different ways I have love for our children --they are teens and an adult. That does leave more free time for us. But we both do our own thing.

 

 

More so then I thought.

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So what do you want? What would be success?

 

You say failure is not an option.

 

Yet you have a marriage with no passion, no romantic love, no sex, lies, deciet, shame from others knowing those secrets.

 

Is that not a failure? How could this ever be fixed?

 

You say you two should suffer - is that success? Is a life without sex a success? Is a life without romantic love a success?

 

For ME, and many people a life without ROMANTIC passion, without sex, without the love shared between lovers.... Is not an option, yet it sounds like this is what you want to insist you and your husband live with.

 

If you want a partner, without the sex - to me an open marriage would be a logical solution.

 

I seems you want a lose lose scenario, rather than a win win.

 

Again - so what do you want? In a perfect world, what would this relationship look like in a year?

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You knew she was cheating - you decided not to look. Be honest.

 

She is not having sex with you for a long time - you accepted this - for what ever your reasons are.

 

Could you just go get your own outside lovers - and continue on as roommates or whatever you have had for years?

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Methodical, I understand your suggestion as I myself am methodical. No, I would not agree to an open marriage.

 

 

I think we both should suffer if we stick together.

 

Sorry but you already are

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You knew she was cheating - you decided not to look. Be honest.

 

She is not having sex with you for a long time - you accepted this - for what ever your reasons are.

 

Could you just go get your own outside lovers - and continue on as roommates or whatever you have had for years?

 

I think OP is a woman, talking about a man, FYI.

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I think we both should suffer if we stick together.
Yeah, right. I thought that. That is, I thought that he should not get to escape. He should suffer through my suffering. He will come to understand once he sees how deeply he wounded me.

 

Well, I hate to tell you. Some - if not most - cheaters - are not affected that way when they see their betrayed spouse's suffering. If they weren't already basic sociopaths, then their brains have gradually become sophisticated practitioners of the art of self-delusion in order to do, get, feel, be the way they want. Successful cheating and lying means they can think their way out of guilt, pain, responsibility and be just fine concocting an explanation that makes it YOUR problem, YOUR fault, or at the very least YOUR issue that you have to take care of yourself. Not only that, being reminded by the person they betrayed can irritate or even enrage the "ex-"cheater because it's forcing acknowledgement of what they've done.

 

No, "suffering" is not in the cheater's plan for getting over those—oh, so unfortunate—mistakes. And, sure, they will admit to making a mistake. For a while, which still consists of blaming someone or something else.

 

And as far your suffering goes - oops! Time to be well! You've been indulged enough; remorse has done its job. It's over, done, enough. Time to move on, they decide, and that means no more feeling sorry for yourself, pathetic Betrayed Spouse.

 

Are you kidding? These people are champs at NOT suffering. Their lives are about not getting caught and rationalizing away mistakes, which include those little flings that happen to everybody, right? Wrong.

 

So do yourself a favor and DON'T think you're both going to "suffer if we stick together." It will be just you suffering. I guarantee.

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Mind you, this "thinking" is something you figure out over time. It is not something the polished obfuscator and manipulator will say outright. But you will know whether the empathy is there. Once you start coming out of your own delusional thinking, e.g., "[he will also] suffer if we stick together," you will discover no other way to interpret his (her?) angry outbursts? or ploys to get your sympathy.

 

Be smart.

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Lady, cut to the chase. Tell us us what exactly you want if you want focussed advice and opinions. There are a lot of folk on here who have been in situations like yours and have come out the other side, hurt and scarred but alive and kicking. They have been successful in navigating through treacherous waters. They will be able to offer you excellent advice if you tell the folks on here what exactly you want this to result in. Warm wishes.

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Iwontbefooledagain

Thank you for the replies and feedback everyone I really appreciate it. I have a lot to think about.

 

I needed someplace I could share this with, I feel so alone.

 

I don't think I was clear the sex forums were escort reviews, a site where men reviews escorts, AMP'S, gave advice, talked about sports and their families. There were thousands of users. The post ended in the mid 2000. I guess he found a steady source then.

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Now this. From the emails copied, the texts copies, hundreds of photos with others and a membership to a sex forum going back almost twenty years (the username is my spouses--proof of that also) I now see I am married to a stranger. A sex addict.

.

 

A "sex addict"?

 

hmmmm. Maybe he just likes to read about sex and watch porn? Do you have any evidence that he ever actually MET with anyone else? Sounds like just another sex starved guy whose wife is not trying to satisfy him

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that detailed a long term affair. There was also irrefutable proof that my spouse has been engaging in sex outside the relationship/marriage before, during and probably still is.

 

 

About ten years ago I found a hidden email account and I didn't look far into it. Instead I got us to a marriage counselor and championed on. We both basically said we were in the marriage for the kids. So we stayed.

 

 

A few years ago my spouse told me they didn't feel romantic love for me anymore. Revealed some truths that were hidden from me. Lies. Not about an affair more about feelings, towards me, my family, and things done in youth. This sent me reeling. Saw a divorce attorney.

 

 

Then life took an unexpected turn for us and we were in a holding pattern due to finances, and pretty tied in. So no one left.

 

 

Now this. From the emails copied, the texts copies, hundreds of photos with others and a membership to a sex forum going back almost twenty years (the username is my spouses--proof of that also) I now see I am married to a stranger. A sex addict.

 

 

How do I survive this? We are not intimate so the risk of a STD is zero. I had that checked back in 2013. For me, failure is not an option. I don't want to be divorced.

 

 

I think I'm going crazy.

 

This isn't your failure, it's HIS! Your marriage is over, no intimacy for 3 years, he's cheated and still cheating on you! There's absolutely nothing to save/salvage. He told you he isn't in love with you, he's a stranger to you.

 

Failure is staying with a man who is treating you like crap! Failure is settling to eat crap on a stick and putting yourself last.

 

DIVORCE HIM, be free of this crazy drama and this selfish a-hole man!

 

You've done nothing wrong here except fall for a complete idiot. Now you know and it's time to get out. No regrets! (The regret will be big if you stay with him!)

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hope you find a way to get some peace.

 

See an attorney. Expose to his family and let the spouses of friends know what is going on.

 

If someone knew, you would want to be told.

 

I know I would.

 

figure out what you want. then start going for it. Life is too short to have someone cheat on you over and over.

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A "sex addict"?

 

hmmmm. Maybe he just likes to read about sex and watch porn? Do you have any evidence that he ever actually MET with anyone else? Sounds like just another sex starved guy whose wife is not trying to satisfy him

 

Yeah, that's right. Let's blame his actions on his wife. It's her fault he can't keep it in his pants.

 

Personally, if he depends on someone else to dictate his actions, he's not a man, he's a little boy.

 

Given his track record, most women wouldn't be too quick to hop into bed with him ether...god only know what he's managed to pick up during his "extra-cirrcular activities".

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