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Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby


SingleDad82

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So,

 

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

 

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

 

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

 

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?

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Are you glaring at them or something? If not, unless you are making a big show and running the other way, then she is being overly sensitive. There's no reason for small talk. Maybe a brief hello if you feel like it, but she is just, IMO, still trying to control you.

 

Just be a great dad to your kids and don't worry about her issues.

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Are you glaring at them or something? If not, unless you are making a big show and running the other way, then she is being overly sensitive. There's no reason for small talk. Maybe a brief hello if you feel like it, but she is just, IMO, still trying to control you.

 

Just be a great dad to your kids and don't worry about her issues.

 

Certainly not, quite the opposite really. I think she struggles with the fact that I'm doing well afterall. I am in the best shape of my life both spiritually and physically. Maintain healthy relationships with my friends, found hobbies that I love, etc. My quality of life has improved greatly since I stopped caring.

 

I tried for many months, even after or separation, to try to reconcile my marriage because it's what I believe. But there came a point where I quit trying, and then it was no looking back.

 

I'm not mean at all. Just indifferent, almost how anyone would act sitting next to a stranger. I don't really have any emotion about their marriage, new baby, or the affair itself. We co-parent well, but I only acknowledge her when it comes to direct discussion about our children. Nothing else. Nothing else to say really. She takes this as "rudeness".. I'm not really sure what she is expecting from me.I am a happy person. This is mainly why I ask the question..

 

I don't want to seem petty, or act like I'm giving them the silent treatment. It's not like that. But I also don't want to stroke this guys ego either. He walks around like we were in competition or something and he "won" the prize. I don't mind being friendly, but I also have self respect and SOME pride. I'd like to maintain my dignity at least.

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You don't owe her squat. Give a polite nod to both of them at the next event, so that she has no basis to bother you about it anymore. Don't bother speaking to them if you don't want to. Surround yourself with people that matter.

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You owe her nothing. Like another poster suggested just nod at them to acknowledge their prensence....and then continue ignoring them.

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40somethingGuy
So,

 

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

 

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

 

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

 

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?

 

Why would you ever shake his hand unless you clock him with the other. My God, this guy did all he could to ruin your marriage and you don't get to live full time with your kids anymore. Bad people do these kinds of things. Frankly, if I was the OM and did what he did to you and you shook my hand I would laughing at what a weak wimp you are. He doesn't deserve any respect at all from you. You don't owe any of them anything. You are not the one who should feel awkward.

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somuchfortheone
So,

 

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

 

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

 

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

 

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?

 

 

I get it...all of it. I've made it very clear that I will not be anywhere where the OW is. Period. But, I can see how your situation is different and you will have to run into him from time to time. I don't think you have to shake his hand...but a slight smile, or hello in their general direction...for the kids would be nice. I personally wouldn't shake his hand. That's too much respect (call me bitter)... and I'm Christian and really respect you trying to take the high road in that situation. It's not an easy task.

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It's a fact that you feel a little uncomfortable with the current situation, otherwise you wouldn't have came here to open a post about it.

 

You should do what's best for you. I think that next time he's arround you, as you seggested, go, introduce yourself and shake his hand. This single simple gesture, will calm everybody down, and will also free your mind from over analyzing it. No one will ever think you are bitter. The good news is you will need to do it only once. The next occasions you'll bump into him you can just nod, or say a brief "Hi" if he is right beside you. THAT'S IT! Problem solved.

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LivingWaterPlease

Singledad,

 

I haven't read the other responses but your post made my day! You've been through h_ll and have come out on the other side of it with a great attitude and no apparent bitterness! Congratulations!

 

Imo, you're doing just fine to ignore both your ex and her H unless you're dealing with the kids. If there ever comes a day when you feel differently, by God's grace, then act accordingly. As long as you're not unkind, pray about it and handle it however you want to.

 

I believe in His timing God will bring you a wonderful woman and give you a lifetime of happiness with her!

 

PS I want to add that you are in God's hands and if He wants you to interact with them socially He will give the desire to do that to you. Pray about it and follow His lead.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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Oberfeldwebel

You may want to remind her that your behavior is a direct results of her actions. She is no longer your friend, buddies or pal, but someone you thought that you know. However, she is the mother of your children and should treat her with respect for their sake, not hers. You should also assist them with presents for her, cards and other nice things that a young man should do for his mother.

 

If the other man is good to your boys, then this is a good thing and should not be dismissed. I think that we all need to treat one another with civility that is again a lesson you are teaching your boys more than a courtesy to him personally. Additionally, I think we all need to remember that the other person didn't do anything that our ex did not let them do. That does not mean you have to like them, but it is the ex that made the vow to love, honor and forsake all others. I therefore place the majority of the blame for the demise of the relationship on them and not the other person. That is just my humble opinion.

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This sounds like it would be more of a "loser accept defeat graciously" handshake. You could do it but it would mean nothing to you. To be honest I would be reluctant to shake a man's hand who betrayed me with my wife or ex.

 

I would just tell her you are happy to co-parent and you want to keep things civil but you are not interested in any forced creepy handshakes or fake friendships.

 

For a real friendship they would need to sit down and be honest with you and apologize and give you a better chance to heal. You could build a friendship on this albeit a slightly spiteful one. It doesn't appear that's on the table for you so she just wants to keep up appearances and give the impression to everyone she is in control. You could just shake is hand and continue to ignore her. She sounds controlling and you will grow to pity AP.

Edited by smi11ie
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It's a fact that you feel a little uncomfortable with the current situation, otherwise you wouldn't have came here to open a post about it.

 

You should do what's best for you. I think that next time he's arround you, as you seggested, go, introduce yourself and shake his hand. This single simple gesture, will calm everybody down, and will also free your mind from over analyzing it. No one will ever think you are bitter. The good news is you will need to do it only once. The next occasions you'll bump into him you can just nod, or say a brief "Hi" if he is right beside you. THAT'S IT! Problem solved.

 

No way

No how

No where

Today, Sunday or any other day.

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Single dad, what you're doing is A ok.

 

The problem is that your ex-WW wants you

to put on the act to ease her guilt and have

you minimize her cheating on you and then

marrying the OM.

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Being indifferent, as others have mentioned, is the best thing to do.

 

Your ex-wife is reacting to your indifference, and she is taking it personally as something against her. She knows how badly she screwed you over, and yet, as another person has mentioned, she is still trying to tell you how you should act to her new husband/former affair partner.

 

All this comes down to one word.

 

Entitlement.

 

Who does she think she is to ask you for anything after what she did? What gave her that right?

 

I suggest not to shake the new husband's hand ever, your kids will grow up one day, and they need to know that you handled the aftermath of your divorce with dignity and self-respect.

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RewindRomancer

Single Dad,

 

The opposite of love is not hate....it's INDIFFERENCE. And you've got that down cold. Your ex despises being invisible.

 

As long as you are low-key enough that the kids don't pick up on it, then you can confidently ignore your ex and loverboy for the rest of your life. Ha!

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As you are a Christian, I am assuming your ex probably professes faith too. I would submit that your presence is CONVICTING to her, and she wants to assuage her guilt.

 

This is not your job. You are a good dad and you are not unkind to her. The rest is something she and God need to work out.

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Thanks all.. I had an event at my kids school last night and pulled her aside because I felt God calling me to tell her I was sorry if I ever said anything to her that was mean during our divorce, and that I forgave her because I didn't feel as if my heart would be prepared for the place God was about to take me in my life without releasing the burden to Him. That it changed nothing of how I felt towards her situation but that I looked forward to closing that chapter of my life and effectively raising the kids as decent coparents, and nothin more. Congratulated her on the impending birth of her new baby, wished her well and rode out.

 

Now that I got off my chest what I needed to, I can move forward in the peace of my decisions knowing I did the honorable thing, and thankfully (thanks to your support) can move forward knowing that I don't ever have to accept the OM or am wrong for not seeking a relationship with him. Now it's zero-dark-thirty for them and that circus for the foreseeable future.

 

I got a half-hearted "thank you" but I really didn't expect anymore more. After all, I didn't do it for her.. I did it for me!

Edited by SingleDad82
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gettingstronger

Don't feed her ego and drama- that's someone's else's problem now. Just say, I'm sorry you feel that way, smile and move on.

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Don't feed her ego and drama- that's someone's else's problem now. Just say, I'm sorry you feel that way, smile and move on.

 

Definitely agree and I'm with you! I just felt like it needed to be said. All the heavy lifting is finished for me, and I'm quite happy. Maybe it eased her guilt to hear I forgave her, and to be honest, so what? What's done is done. Now I can go back to my regularly scheduled happiness, while they try to build a successful marriage off of lies and betrayal. I've got bigger fish to fry, and two young boys to raise into Godly and respectable men.

Edited by SingleDad82
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You are a better man than I am.

 

I would have told her how he has a reputation as a cheater.

 

And so does she. How will that work?

 

How will she trust him?

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somuchfortheone
Thanks all.. I had an event at my kids school last night and pulled her aside because I felt God calling me to tell her I was sorry if I ever said anything to her that was mean during our divorce, and that I forgave her because I didn't feel as if my heart would be prepared for the place God was about to take me in my life without releasing the burden to Him. That it changed nothing of how I felt towards her situation but that I looked forward to closing that chapter of my life and effectively raising the kids as decent coparents, and nothin more. Congratulated her on the impending birth of her new baby, wished her well and rode out.

 

Now that I got off my chest what I needed to, I can move forward in the peace of my decisions knowing I did the honorable thing, and thankfully (thanks to your support) can move forward knowing that I don't ever have to accept the OM or am wrong for not seeking a relationship with him. Now it's zero-dark-thirty for them and that circus for the foreseeable future.

 

I got a half-hearted "thank you" but I really didn't expect anymore more. After all, I didn't do it for her.. I did it for me!

 

 

This is great! You did the right thing...

 

Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

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somuchfortheone
Definitely agree and I'm with you! I just felt like it needed to be said. All the heavy lifting is finished for me, and I'm quite happy. Maybe it eased her guilt to hear I forgave her, and to be honest, so what? What's done is done. Now I can go back to my regularly scheduled happiness, while they try to build a successful marriage off of lies and betrayal. I've got bigger fish to fry, and two young boys to raise into Godly and respectable men.

 

 

If it lasts it will be an absolute miracle... and certainly not God's will. "Let no man separate what God has joined together". Commandment #7 and 10.

And my personal favorite through these hard times "be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap."

That's a stern warning to say the least. Statistics are against them.. second marriages failing at a 75% rate...throw the affair in there and the baby... good luck! The thing is your marriage failed because she took the easy way out. It was easier to run than to do the hard work. Now their relationship consists of two people who run when the going gets tough... I don't see that one lasting.

Edited by somuchfortheone
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