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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st August 2017, 2:08 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by NotCamelot View Post
Everything, 100% of it, that you are feeling is completely normal after betrayal. It hurts like Hell. How could she???? I know, WE know.

Totally agree with this. OP, you are not weak, you are not a cuckold, you are not an idiot. You are reacting in a very normal and typical way to betrayal because betrayal HURTS.

Your job right now is to not pressure yourself to make any decisions today, next week, or even next month. As the shock begins to wear off, the path you and your family should take will become more clear. There are no rules so there is no need to rush into any decision (i.e. leaving).

You are going to have to accept the fact that the ONLY thing you can do right now that makes any sense is resolve to take it one day at a time and TRUST US, it WILL get better. Will it ever be awesome? Nope. But it will get a WHOLE lot better than it is today.
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Old 21st August 2017, 2:20 PM   #32
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You are not cuckhold, you did not know and you did not consent to this relationship. You were betrayed.

You bear no fault, no responsibility, and no guilt for this affair. It was her decision, her choice to have sex with another man. Remember that.
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Old 21st August 2017, 2:48 PM   #33
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I laid awake all night thinking about what I saw and heard. While she slept peacefully? How could she? I smoked 12 cigarettes the entire night.
The reason that your wife had no problem sleeping is that she knew exactly what was going on for the entire four years. This is all new to you.

She’s used to the idea plus she has all the pieces of the puzzle. The only pieces you have are what you discover on your own and what she decides to tell you. You will never know if you have it all.

Plus she made the decision to cheat. It’s called self selection. For example the group of people that donate blood tend to be nicer people than the general population. Likewise as a group people who cheat don’t see it as a big deal. The bigger deal it is to you the less likely you are to cheat.
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Old 21st August 2017, 2:52 PM   #34
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There was no denying what I saw. Pictures, videos. All of them.
She obviously saw nothing at all wrong with having sex with the OM. Thatís why she could act so normal. You take videos of your family vacation because you want to relive the happy times. You donít take videos of things that you're ashamed of and guilty about because you donít want to relive them.

Someday your wife might be guilty about how she hurt you but she will never be guilty about the sex. My proof is four years of acting normal and taking video.

My analogy is someone that grew up eating pork and then converts to a religion where itís a sin. If caught they will feel bad about disappointing and hurting people. They know that they broke the rules. But they will never ever feel guilty for enjoying a little bacon on a gut level.
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Old 21st August 2017, 2:58 PM   #35
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Very very sorry this happened to you. This pain is the worst.

Keep yourself safe
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Old 21st August 2017, 3:00 PM   #36
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Which couple has sex more than once a week after 19 years? We have 2 children, we have jobs, we have responsibilities. But isn't it what makes marriage? A partnership? Or sex is more important?
Sex with your husband isnít forbidden or naughty. Plus a complement from a stranger has more impact that from your husband. For example letís say that your mom went you to your high school football game and told you that you played great. A stranger at the game said the same thing. Which would have more impact, your mom or the stranger?

Search for a TED TALK by Helen Fisher: Why We Love Why We Cheat. I think it will help you. Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with you.
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Old 21st August 2017, 3:56 PM   #37
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Hey, hold your horses... what happened to you is not the worst. No one died, no one is suvierly ill, no nuclear war has started (yet).

What happened is that your wife smashed and distroyed your marriage. It has nothing to do with you, and sorry to disappoint you, it also has very little to do with the OM.

My long long experience taught me that in most cases in order to actually cheat, you need to first bring yourself to the stage where you are able and willing to cheat. When that point comes, you just grab the opportunity that suits you at that times. The identity of the OM is usually related to timing.

It's not you, it's not him. It's her. And her offer to tell everyone that she cannot come when he is there, shows that she has no sensitivity to your pain. She just tries to minimize her limitations, and basically tries to trade with some gestures, to pretend she is willing to do everything, while the truth is that she is willing to do only the minimum she may think is nessessarily to keep you. Not even one step more to that.

She is the one who should feel humiliated. make a test. Tell her to never meet any of the people in that group from now on, even if he is not there. To cut all of them. Why? because it will help you heal faster. See her reaction.
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Old 21st August 2017, 4:01 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by Buckeye2 View Post
Sex with your husband isnít forbidden or naughty. Plus a complement from a stranger has more impact that from your husband. For example letís say that your mom went you to your high school football game and told you that you played great. A stranger at the game said the same thing. Which would have more impact, your mom or the stranger?

Search for a TED TALK by Helen Fisher: Why We Love Why We Cheat. I think it will help you. Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with you.
So I care nothing? Feel nothing? It maybe easy for you to do so but not to me. And with your analogy of changing religion, do you even know how you sound? I'm dying here and you discussing theology with me? Don't even bother replying anymore
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Old 21st August 2017, 4:06 PM   #39
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You are not cuckhold, you did not know and you did not consent to this relationship. You were betrayed.

You bear no fault, no responsibility, and no guilt for this affair. It was her decision, her choice to have sex with another man. Remember that.
Thank you for this so much!

I am so filled with doubts. Constantly wondering what I did wrong? I saw a facebook post last week that said "The problem with wrong words is that it makes people love you a little less" So was it me that drove her away with wrong words? I keep looking at all the pictures in my houses of our time together and wonder did they mean nothing to her?

Its soothing to hear from so many that its not my fault. Thank you so much!!
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Old 21st August 2017, 4:10 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Totally agree with this. OP, you are not weak, you are not a cuckold, you are not an idiot. You are reacting in a very normal and typical way to betrayal because betrayal HURTS.

Your job right now is to not pressure yourself to make any decisions today, next week, or even next month. As the shock begins to wear off, the path you and your family should take will become more clear. There are no rules so there is no need to rush into any decision (i.e. leaving).

You are going to have to accept the fact that the ONLY thing you can do right now that makes any sense is resolve to take it one day at a time and TRUST US, it WILL get better. Will it ever be awesome? Nope. But it will get a WHOLE lot better than it is today
.
Thank you so much. I so much want it to be better. This pain is unbearable. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I almost feel a pain in my chest. I am having a lump in my throat all the time. I am in no position to make any decision right now. Its too much. All of this.

But even in all of this the best thing I have done is not sleep on that bed anymore. And after getting the advise to throw it out, I just did it and came to inform about it here.
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Old 21st August 2017, 4:53 PM   #41
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First marriage betrayal was more emotionally disturbing - on a short term basis - than cancer. I was so messed up - more or less lost my job over it. Was in a therapists office 1-2 times a week- breakdowns sitting on the floor of my therapists office. On the phone with my dad daily. So bad. I got over it 1.5 years after the divorce.

Second time was not nearly as bad. Just angry and depressed - continues to this day because I stayed.

If it ever happens again I will shrug my shoulders and move on.

But the first time - so hurtful and destructive to my emotional and mental state.

Hang in there.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 21st August 2017 at 4:56 PM..
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:01 PM   #42
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First marriage betrayal was more emotionally disturbing - on a short term basis - than cancer. I was so messed up - more or less lost my job over it. Was in a therapists office 1-2 times a week- breakdowns sitting on the floor of my therapists office. On the phone with my dad daily. So bad. I got over it 1.5 years after the divorce.

Second time was not nearly as bad. Just angry and depressed - continues to this day because I stayed.

If it ever happens again I will shrug my shoulders and move on.

But the first time - so hurtful and destructive to my emotional and mental state.

Hang in there.
Mine was kindof the other way around because it was with the same person. Invested so much more emotionally into our reconciliation than I should have and it was totally gut wrenching and almost destroyed me.

I kinda feel like you do now about shrugging my shoulders, but not so sure that's necessarily a good thing. I mean, I have come to a place where "trust" to me means trusting myself that I can get through anything, so I do know I'd be fine, but I also wonder if it keeps me from true intimacy.
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:20 PM   #43
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When a cheating spouse sleeps so peacefully after dday, I think it means they aren't that worried you'll be leaving.... Or that if you do, it's no big loss.

I'd be besides myself and unable to sleep, in her shoes.

I'm not sensing that she's worried you'll divorce her and just expects you to work through this? Why is that? Why doesn't she think it's a possibility and feels she deserves a gold medal for offering not to be in his company in the group.

Has she begged, pleaded, got on her knees? Cried at the hurt she's caused you?

Maybe some of her friends already know about it. I'd be surprised if nobody else knew after 4 years.

The OM is divorced, so she's free to be with him... What stopped her?

Or was she happy with you for a stable home life and also happy to have a lover on the side.

4 whole years. That's brutal. Your marriage will never be the same again. How could you trust or believe anything she says again.

Having a separation to get space is a good idea. She can leave.

And get her to buy a new bed.
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:38 PM   #44
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I was a WW in my first marriage. I met OMs through gatherings here and there. People knew and people talk.

You said you fear public exposure of the affair because you'd feel humiliated if others knew. She's had a four year affair with the friend of her friends husband. I can damn near guarantee the friend, her husband, and some of that social group already know either because they were told, have seen inappropriate behavior, or just picked up on it.

If you want my advice, tell your wife the friend AND that whole group have to go. Trust me, they knew and aren't friends of yours or your marriage. NC with the whole lot if you want to reconcile.
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Old 21st August 2017, 6:06 PM   #45
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OP, think twice before you respond with such anger. I've only seen people post to your thread who want to help you. I can't figure out why you lashed out at certain poster(s). It almost makes me think you knew them. Or thought you did.

I am also a fWW. I have to think that, after four years, she got complacent. She left her phone out, unprotected, not even thinking about you possibly picking it up. Things were too easy and rote.

It's interesting that her OM is divorced, and yet she's made no move to be with him. It's quite common for women in affairs to fall in love with their APs. It's not always the case, but often it is. Women are more likely to want to leave their Ms. Here your wife has few barriers to leaving...that we can see, of course. I believe you did say you have pre-teens? You said he has more money. But we don't know if he wanted her. So 1) she was quite happy with having you both and didn't want to change that (there might be things she loves about him, but other things she questions; and then there are things she loves about you that he doesn't have...the typical cake-eating scenario); 2) she was biding her time until the children were of a certain age and THEN she was planning to go; or 3) he didn't want the burden of her in a real relationship and was just enjoying the affair.

You say you read some things in an email account. Did you get any insight into their plans? Were there any?

Jenkins mentioned how stressful affairs are. They are quite stressful and cause a lot of anxiety to pull off. I am wondering what sort of lifestyle she had that allowed her to pull of such deception. But the thing is, for certain types of people, their consciences get dull after a time. They rationalize what they are doing. And it just becomes more "normal" and less anxiety-ridden. Four years of that becomes "life."

If you do want to reconcile, that lifestyle will have to completely change.

I too am highly doubtful that she has ended the affair. A long-term relationship rarely ends in the blink of an eye. In truth, if you want reconciliation with her, you need to give her the space to be honest with you about this. You need to be able to work together. And she won't want to work "with you" if you are falling apart and freaking out.

I don't know what to tell you to do. Unless this relationship has run its course naturally, I would be hesitant to believe it's going to end. She will really have to get her head screwed on straight, and you will have to really be able to "take it" for you guys to be remotely okay. And that is only the beginning. It's possible. But it's extraordinarily difficult.
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