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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st August 2017, 6:46 AM   #16
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Hey mincrafter.

Firstly, your not the first, nor the last to get cheated on.
But, know that most of the guys and gals here, were in exactly the same situation as you.
They are doing much better now, and so many are in better relationships now.

As a few posters said, you need to now, take control of everything.
Rather than wing it when you speak to your "Future ex", write down what you need in terms of info, dates, time, what ever you need to know to start to grind the path ahead.

Personally, if I was you, its over.. I would start divorce. No ifs, buts, nada !.
If she came clean and admitted, you may have had a chance. But, holly smokes, 4 years !, and you found out.. It may have gone on for ever.
No, its over.. However, I'm not you, and your views may differ.
But, in the end, do you want to go through life looking at her, and always seeing her getting done over, and over and over by this other guy.
Then, you also need to think, is he the only guy ?. Will there be others in the future ?.

At the least, leave, and restart over, and in the future, if you ever decide to try again, you can try then. But till then, retreat, and gather your strength to fight another day.
If it works for the military, let it work for you.

And when you do come back, come back with all guns blazing..

Remember, you need to take, and be in control from this point on.

Good luck..

Never fear, Superchicken is here.
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Old 21st August 2017, 7:04 AM   #17
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How do you heal you ask?
Divorce her because you are never going to be the man you used to be or your wife wants you to be.

4 years is too long.
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Old 21st August 2017, 7:20 AM   #18
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It's very, very unlikely that it's over between them. Let than sink in.
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Old 21st August 2017, 7:34 AM   #19
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If her AP has a wife, contact her immediately and tell everything. Be prepared to show evidence. Most likely, she will not believe you at first. With this going on for 4 years, she is probably as in the dark as you were.

It will be a little revenge. But, more importantly, his wife deserves to know the truth.

Since your W is trying to cling to you at this point, the AP probably is not free to "run to". So, he helped to destroy your life, why not return the favor? Regardless of whether you try to salvage your M or not, at least you can burst the bubble they are living in. There is no reason he should get away with no damage from fall out. Sure, his W will be hurt, that is bad, but she should get to know the truth about the scum she is married to.

Be sure to hold onto all the evidence you found, make copies. At some point, someday, hopefully you can destroy it all. But for now, you may need it.

And, all her comments telling him he was better, bigger, etc., may have all been lies as well. Surely she told him what it would take to feed his ego. So, don't dwell on that crap, as tough as it is to ignore.

In the meantime: EAT, SLEEP, WORK. It is common for our health to take a hit when this thing happens. Hell, I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Take care of YOU.
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Old 21st August 2017, 7:37 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by Bufo View Post
Four years that you know of. A very high hurdle to jump. Four years is essentially a whole other life hidden from you.

Make no promises to her. Don't discuss reconciliation beyond telling her what she needs to do for you to CONSIDER reconciliation. Promises and tears mean nothing from a proven liar. And she is a proven liar unless the two of you were living separately with no communication between you. Read and heed the advice here about reconciliation requirements

Do see your doctor if you have trouble sleeping, with anxiety, trouble eating. Don't drink alcohol. It won't help.

You may divorce. See an attorney so you get a picture of what the divorce process is and what your post divorce life will be like. Knowledge is power and will guard you against her threats of ruining you one way or another should divorce be started. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker despite efforts at reconciliation. Be prepared.

Learn the difference between regret and remorse. Without remorse there is little chance of reconciliation.

And never forget that your goal is to get out of infidelity. Whether that means reconciliation or divorce cannot be determined yet. But WW will either make the many changes necessary for R or she won't. Look at her behavior, not her words.

Individual counseling (not joint marriage counseling) is a must for her and optional for you if you attempt R. Marriage counseling now is a waste of time and money.

Lecture over for today.
(((mincrafter))) Wow, this is a tough one. I'm so sorry that you are here. It's great that you have already had some brilliant responses from our excellent members, most who speak from very painful experience.

I was a cheater once. My A ended 2 years ago and we are now reconciling. I am normally one of the strongest advocates for reconciliation because, as a cheater, that's the path my wife and I chose to take, and it’s going well. But Jeez - 4 years and you had no clue? That is a very tough one and hard to see a clear path back. As a former cheater knowing the paranoia and stress that living a double life causes, I am amazed that she could keep it going this long without some kind of breakdown. Mine last a little over a year and my nerves were shot to pieces. I don’t think I could have done it for any longer and I did indeed have a breakdown at the end – even lost my job. If the A has been going on this long and they have been declaring love...for also begs the question as to why they haven't made moves to be together? Do you know why this is? Is the AP married? Do you have kids? Does the AP?

One thing I would say as a former cheater is that reconciliation can work, but you both have to want it. But the difficulty here is that however despicable her behaviour has been, she is not a robot and will not immediately be able to start behaving exactly as she should and exactly as you need her too. If you really want to give reconciliation a chance, unfair though this is, you may have to allow a little time for her to get her head out of her a*s. For me, my head was all over the place just after D-day. I felt terrible, I felt regret (see the bolded comment from Bufo's post - this is key), I felt sorry for myself, I missed the A...and somewhere in there I realised I'd caused pain to my wife and felt sorry for that too. But it was just one of many things I felt bad about.

But, I had no idea of the damage I'd done to my wife. At first, I felt just as sorry for myself as I did for her. Whilst I didn't justify the affair, I did try to explain it away as something that "happened to me" rather than being something that I was the chief architect of. I also thought that it would just "blow over" if I just kept a low profile and said sorry. No no no - this won't do and I learned that!

Eventually it took my wife telling me that if I didn’t WANT reconciliation then I was to get out of the house. She would not stand in my way and would not make a D difficult for me and I was free to leave right then and there. She had been too easy on me before this, and had tried to understand and accommodate my pain as well as hers. But on this day, she had reached her limit and wasn't going to take it anymore, SHE was the injured party, SHE was the one who'd been cheated and betrayed and SHE was the one who was going to call the shots.

I admired her so much for this and that was the day I pulled my head out of my a*s. My own pain paled into insignificance compared to hers and I now I had an idea of the damage I had done and the hard work I needed to put in to show I wanted this marriage as much as she did. R in earnest started that day – regret turned into genuine remorse.

But, it took 3 months of ambivalence to get there partly because she went too easy on me at the start and didn’t show me the full extent of her pain. Until I really saw the damage I’d done and what R meant. I am lucky my wife remained patient for so long - and by the way, our marriage is going really well now.

All I am saying is that SHE is a complete mess right now, as well as you, and even though it is all her fault, she probably has no idea of the damage she has done yet and what she needs to do to start putting things right. You need to show her just exactly how destroyed you are and what you need from her in order for her to get her head out of her a*s as soon as possible. Nip her ambivalence in the bud by showing her what you need from her and maybe accept that it will take her a few days to fully understand it. Some BS cut to the chase by serving divorce papers. They don't necessarily intend to divorce and can cancel the papers later, but being served can shock the WS out of their fog very quickly.

I wish you nothing but the best mincrafter. You are amongst friends here. Keep posting. x

Last edited by jenkins95; 21st August 2017 at 7:43 AM..
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Old 21st August 2017, 8:12 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much?
You divorce her ASAP! I don't see any way to bounce back after a 4-year affair. That's 4 Christmas's, 4 New Year's Eve's, 4 V-Days, 4 wedding anniversary celebrations, etc. She had 51 months to make the decision to end her affair; each time she chose him.

4 years and you didn't have a clue? That would make her a sociopath. Who can do that for 4 years and go on as normal wife? When my wife was having an affair it was tearing up inside and her behavior changed drastically. Not your wife. Most BSs know that something is going on; they just don't figure it to be an affair.

Think about this... if your phone didn't die in the middle of the night, it would go on for another 4 years! Let that sink in.

Last edited by Betrayed&Stayed; 21st August 2017 at 8:16 AM..
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Old 21st August 2017, 8:44 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
When my wife was having an affair it was tearing up inside and her behavior changed drastically. Not your wife. Most BSs know that something is going on; they just don't figure it to be an affair.
Yes. This is a tough one. As I said in my post, I had a breakdown due to my own affair. The paranoia, stress and the knowledge that I was doing a very bad thing ate away at me. I also became a very different person at home - was quiet, distant, removed, uninterested and very secretive. My wife noticed this and we talked and argued about it. But she didn't think that it was an affair - she trusted me too much She put it down to over-work, depression and various other things. I just let her belive this...until D-day blew it all open.

Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
Think about this... if your phone didn't die in the middle of the night, it would go on for another 4 years! Let that sink in.
The phone is another thing that is quite astonishing. My phone and email was permanently locked and guarded by me like a bank vault during the A, and yet you could get into her phone and her email the first time you tried? I'm absoltuely amazed that she didn't lock them down. I guess this shows how confident and entitled she'd become about the affair and how normal it became for her to lead a double life.

I still say that R is possible, but this is going to be a very hard one and she is going to have to move mountains to show you that she wants it and is prepared to do the hard work...and she needs to start very soon.

I truly hope you all the best mincrafter. Stay with us here. You're not the first and you won't be the last that this has happened to. You will be OK and we are here with you to support you.
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Old 21st August 2017, 8:54 AM   #23
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I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you read around this board you will see that you are not alone. Quite a lot of women are having affairs these days. I don't think this is something you will be able to get over given it was a 4 year affair, having sex at your house, in your bed. I'm sure you are wondering what type of ------ you were married to. Now you know every time she opens her mouth she is lying. She is not going to get over a 4 year affair right away no matter what she promises you. They will take the affair underground now that you know. Tell his wife so she will know and OM will throw your wife under the next bus running so fast her head will spin. Make sure you eat, drink plenty of fluids and stay away from drugs and alcohol. You have a rough road ahead of you and you would be wise to talk to an attorney to get your ducks in a row. Do you have children?
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Old 21st August 2017, 11:03 AM   #24
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is she still in contact with the OM?

Most likely she is still in contact.

Did she get tested for stds?

Be sure to expose, expose and expose.

Does she work with him? you will not get over this.

She murdered your marriage. It is a corpse.

In your bed, she hates you.

Tell her to go to the OM now. Just leave.

Do you have kids?
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Old 21st August 2017, 11:37 AM   #25
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I'm with the others. There is no saving this. Divorce her. Send your paycheck to a new checking account under your name, cancel all joint credit cards and go see a lawyer this week. Go see three lawyers. First time consultations are usually free. Find out what you are up against legally.

She stole four years of your life. She spent probably thousands of dollars of your joint monies to pursue and maintain an affair with this man. She defiled your marital bed.

She is a cheater, a liar, a thief and a betrayer.

What is there to save? Empower yourself by taking control of the situation and educating yourself as to the legal facts of your situation. Knowledge is power.

Burn that bed and ask her to leave.
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Old 21st August 2017, 12:38 PM   #26
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Hey mincrafter, I am so sorry you are going through this awfulness. Know that most of us who say this to you have been through the same life-altering shock, grief and fury. You'll be in shock for a while and there's not a damn thing to do about. Don't stop the feelings but let them roll as they come while you write, read and learn more than you could imagine there was to know about people you thought you knew, about your past and about yourself, all wrenching but unavoidable, necessary.

That said, from my perspective (as one who stayed with my WS despite horrific circumstances accompanyng his infidelities) you will heal faster, better if you throw her out and start over. In my opinion, the nature and time frame of your wife's betrayal would take more from you than you could ever recover if you tried, regardless of her remorse.

The bad faith on her part is HUGE. Hiding a deep emotional AND physical affair for four years requires a refined, practiced system of duplicity that few could or should consider trying to forgive. It's not like any other tragedy because of the confusion if her deception continues or devolves into continued obfuscation or lack of forthrightness (trckle truth).

I hope you'll see a lawyer asap and get your affairs in order.

Last edited by merrmeade; 21st August 2017 at 12:43 PM..
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:01 PM   #27
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1. She was in a sexual affair for 4 years.
2. For 4 years she put your health at risk for STD's.
3. She brought the OM into your home for sex.
4. She brought the OM into your home and into your bed for sex. This is hugely significant and symbolic. This shows the ultimate in disrespect toward you and your marriage.

Why in the world would you wish to remain in this marriage? If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted this?

If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:17 PM   #28
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God how I went about work only he knows. I needed to go to the washroom so many time to hide my breakdowns. Sometimes it felt like I couldn't breathe. And it hurt in my chest. Never have felt such awful my entire life.

I see so many responses and I'm glad that people think I will get OK as time passes. I really really want to get back to normal. But I know there is no normal anymore, normal as I knew it. I can't sleep. I laid awake all night thinking about what I saw and heard. While she slept peacefully? How could she? I smoked 12 cigarettes the entire night.

But I must admit I'm overwhelmed with all the responses of throwing her out. Even after last week, I haven't got around to thinking about it? Is that right? Someone here said earlier, even if we divorce, the feelings of betrayal will still be with me. And when I think about it he may be right. So what is the way?

Do I want to reconcile then? Haven't thought about that either. I can't even think of anything except the vile images that pop up in my head, the humiliation of being discussed by my wife to another man, being mocked and made fun of (she says they never did that, infact she would highlight the good things I did for her at the time. Then why? Why? Why you did this to me?

I am a mess, I loved her so so much. I am still loving her. I trusted her. Yes, I was the idiot who never saw any signs, never questioned her movement, never checked who she talked to on the phone before this? Why should I? Everything was normal. She was affectionate, kind, loving to me (or what I believed to be affection, kindness and love from her). Our sex life had dwindled a bit because isn't that what happens after 19 years together (the A started when we were married over 12 years and 3 years before that). Which couple has sex more than once a week after 19 years? We have 2 children, we have jobs, we have responsibilities. But isn't it what makes marriage? A partnership? Or sex is more important? God, I'm rambling

She has destroyed everything I valued in our family yet when she is crying I'm holding her. Can you believe that? What must she think of me? What must you all think of me for saying that? Thats been who I am. I can't see her in distress even when she has betrayed me so deeply. I just can't help myself

I think you guys are right. I need a therapist for this. I'm a mess
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:23 PM   #29
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Goodness me? STD? I didn't think about that. It was completely out of my mind.

Background - We have 2 children. One boy. One girl. Pre teens both of them.

As for the him, he is divorced. So there goes my vengeance plan to inform his wife. He is a friend of the husband of my wife's friend. They met in social gathering. I can't even inform there without humiliating myself. I would be viewed as the cuckold and ridiculed.

Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?

Last edited by Moderator; 21st August 2017 at 5:59 PM.. Reason: language ~T
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:57 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?
Yes, we do understand. I can say, "been there, done that". You will survive IF you keep your head on your shoulders - regardless of how hard that may be.

Everything, 100% of it, that you are feeling is completely normal after betrayal. It hurts like Hell. How could she???? I know, WE know.

Coming here to Loveshack gives you someone to "talk" to....and that helped me a lot. You need to schedule counseling - quickly! This is so new and fresh.....and it will take a long, long time before you feel better. And, you have a right to hurt because you did not cause this. There is nothing you could have done to give her the right to betray you. Remember that. It is all on her.

( I would destroy that bed tonight! Sorry, if that is inappropriate, but I would not put my body on that bed ever again. )
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