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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 20th August 2017, 1:39 PM   #1
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New here and devastated...

Hi,

I am 42 year old man. I found out last ago that my wife has been cheating on me for the last 4 years. I am devastated. I'm suicidal. Can't find a way to get through this.

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much? How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man (she says she doesn't want what she had with that guy but we can rebuild a different kind of intimacy for us which will be new)

I have not been able to touch her at all this week. Hell, I can't even look at her. I feel like a fool for crying so much. I have not been to work at all but I need to go tomorrow. How do I face people and nobody sees the devastation on my face?
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Old 20th August 2017, 1:56 PM   #2
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Very sorry that you are here, brother.

How did you find out?
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Old 20th August 2017, 2:05 PM   #3
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I was not looking for anything. I had no idea this was happening for the last 4 years (more than 4, 51 months to be exact). I trusted her so much.

I got up at midnight and found that my phone had died. I took wife's phone to check the time. I saw a message notification with "xxx I love you too". I got curious. And then I checked through them all. It was gut wrenching. The wind was knocked out of me. I go to the computer to check the emails. All the gory and explicit details are there. There was no denying what I saw. Pictures, videos. All of them. I felt chest pains. I woke up my wife and confronted her. She tried denying it. But quickly understood I was not getting fooled. She admitted.

He had even come at our house when I was not here. ****ed her in my own bed. ****! **** ****! Oh God!
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Old 20th August 2017, 2:43 PM   #4
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I'm sorry to hear of your pain. Being a summer weekend, its possible that you won't hear from many posters until tomorrow. Hang in there. Many here have experienced what you are going through, to one degree or another.

If you really think you are suicidal and have gotten to the point of having a plan to end your life, call 911 immediately. Virtually all of us, who have caught our spouses in an affair, have had a sense of despair and hopelessness, but i can assure you, that you can and will recover, with or without your wife.

A couple of things to expect:

1. Your wife is likely still lying to you. It's called trickle truth. They only admit to what you already know in hopes that you don't find out additional things.

2. Even if your wife eventually is remorseful, she will likely still contact the other man over the next several days, and perhaps longer. this is true even if she says it is over, and she will never speak to him again. Its called the "affair fog". The things that she has done, have not yet fully sunk in. Others may give a better explanation.

3. The affair is her fault. Even if you marriage was not perfect and you had drifted apart. Each spouse is responsible for 50% of the marriage, whether its great or poor, but the affair is 100% on the spouse who cheats.

Finally, take everything you read here and decide on its relevance to your situation. The choice to divorce or reconcile is yours. Only you know your situation and the info and details you may provide are only a snapshot of your relationship. 4 years is a long affair. Recovery is not quick. I'm almost at 2 years and not quite there yet. 2-5 years is typical. Divorce gets rid of your wife, but not your feelings about what happened. So you will have a lot to think about.

Last edited by Doorstopper; 20th August 2017 at 2:49 PM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 2:52 PM   #5
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I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's good that you are here, you will find lots of support from the posters here.

My best advice, you are still reeling with the shock of your discovery and the betrayal. You need more time to settle down. Don't make any decisions now except maybe to ask her to leave if you are not able to cope with her being in the house. You have time to get the truth from your wife and make decisions about your marriage... The biggest decision being whether you want to stay married to this woman.

If you are suicidal, seek medical attention.
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Old 20th August 2017, 2:55 PM   #6
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Do not let her control you or this situation.

Without any warning inform the other mans wife immediately.

That's your first step no matter what.

Do not tell your wife just do it. ASAP
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Old 20th August 2017, 4:02 PM   #7
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Sorry you are going through this .

You will get through 1 day at a time for now ..i know my h was in 2 year affair and I had no clue .

It's overwhelming

Tell the affair partner wife ...if he has one .bring the affair out in the open as these thrive in secrecy .
Reconciliation can only start with a spouse that's remorseful ...a wife that boast how it was great and we cannot have it that good but can have different is not a remorseful one .throw her out of the house or at the very least move her to another bedroom ....crying being pitiful in front of her is not going to make her see she has done you wrong ...you are going to come across as weak a person she can take more advantage of .
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Old 20th August 2017, 4:42 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
Can't find a way to get through this.
You will, in time, things are raw now but maybe you need some space away from her to cool down, maybe check in with a friend or even better boot her out the house for a bit.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much?
You have all the harsh facts, you're probably better off than 75% of those cheated on who don't know all the details right away. No matter which way you cut it, it's going to sting and hurt like hell.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man (she says she doesn't want what she had with that guy but we can rebuild a different kind of intimacy for us which will be new)
Yeah if she said that nonsense she'd get the hook straight away, it's like saying she has a special intimacy with someone but will settle for something else with you. Shows how broken she is and quite frankly she's being a jerk.

I'd bin her and get a shiny new version. If her OM was that spectacular why isn't she with him?

Don't be plan B, boot her out, she's not worth it.
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Old 20th August 2017, 5:08 PM   #9
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Do not let one broken person define your masculinity. There are billions of women in the world. Many of them would love you passionately and exclusively. You are a good, faithful man who would be a hot commodity on the open market.

Your wife is a broken person who craves attention and affirmation from other men. So much so that she thought very little about what this would do to you. She brought him into your bed and then let you sleep there the same night, without blinking. She is sick. Derive your sense of self-worth from people who are healthy, normal, and kindhearted. Your wife is none of these.

Four years is a long time. I'd be inclined to cut her loose and watch as her lover rejects her.
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Old 20th August 2017, 6:20 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
Hi,

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much? How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man (she says she doesn't want what she had with that guy but we can rebuild a different kind of intimacy for us which will be new)
Been there brother - twice - similar but slightly different.

Let me ask you some questions things I thought about..

Why did she stay with you if this other man was so great? Why did OM not marry her ? I mean they are so awesome together ....

You a virgin when married ? Had other women before hand. What about if your single and date....think you might experience women who had better body parts then your wife? Better at sex (or some part of sex?)....

Why are you staying with her ? This wont get better - 1) You turn around and become more secure and confident in yourself (not other man or wife dependent)...and 2) Your wife gets on her hands and knees to fix things.

Forgetting your wife - or other man - do you as a man think there are ways you can grow, learn new things, work out, eat better, try new adventurers ? Why not start a new page in your life ?

Do you think all men with bigger dicks are better lovers - sure maybe a number of women like that - but plenty of women like other women (lesbian or bisexual) and there is no issue there . Sex is a chemistry thing - a mind thing just as well as a body thing.

Is it about money - or about what you contribute to your community, profession, or world ? Can money buy respect ?
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Old 20th August 2017, 8:36 PM   #11
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There is more to your life and you than your current wife. Take care of yourself. There are other woman in this world who would not have cheated. Your wife is not who you thought she was. Realize, you are going through a grieving process. From what you mentioned so far, this sounds a lot like this will be a deal breaker for you. 4 years, is a life style choice. Your wife was in an open marraige without your knowledge or your consent. Pretty much, she invested a great deal of time, emotional energy, and likely, money, instead of investing in your relationship. She committed relationship fraud and theft. Regarding your concerns about physical compatibility. Vaginas come in different sizes and shapes as well. So, are you to small?? Or, is she too big and loose? For some women in this world, you are more than enough. As it is... This issue, since it has been introduced as a concern, amongst other issues, will more than likely persist as long as the relationship continues. It usually takes at least 2 to 5 years of a great deal of emotional turmoil before a relationship begins to really restabalize and starts to normalize. Due to the extensive nature of the betrayal in this case, 5 years is probably the earliest best case scenario. This will always be there between the two of you from now in out.
Think of this as an opportunity to change course in life and find a new direction.
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Old 20th August 2017, 8:49 PM   #12
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Get tested for STD's.
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Old 21st August 2017, 12:49 AM   #13
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Hi Mincrafter, I should think all the good folk on here will empathize with you. Your wife has dealt you a deadly blow from which it will be difficult for you to recover. If you read through this forum you will see that it is next to impossible for men to overcome the kind of disrespect your wife has shown you. After your initial emotions are more in check you will be besieged with what are known as 'Mind movies' which will assail you unexpectedly at all times of night and day. Four years is a long time and your marriage sea irrecoverable.

Others have given you good advice. First ask your wife to leave the house so that you do not have to face her on a daily basis. She can go live with her parents, some sibling or a good friend. Next get into counselling to help you cope with your emotional turmoil. Thirdly, inform the OM's wife( if there is one). Fourth, contact a lawyer and find out your rights in the event of a divorce. Does your wife work? If she does then the financial burden on you may be less than if she is a stay at home wife. Do you have children? If so you will have to think of their welfare. Talk to friends and try and get your mind off things at home. Warm wishes.
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:28 AM   #14
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Few things...

1. Do not underestimate yourself because of your wife's bad choices. She's the one who has been lying, cheating, decepting, hurting, breaking vows, not you. You ar OK. You're the one who is reliable, stable, trustful, honest... All the things she isn't. She is the one who should feel insecure now, because of her bad character, bad choices, bad bad bad...

2. It's your ego that has crashed. She took control. Now it's time for you to take control. For many people there is only one ay to regain control - to file for divorce. I'm one of them. I know that ego means a lot tome, and I know I couldn't have lived with a broken ego for too long. Remember - Rebuilding ego after that kind of cheating takes years. Knowing it's too long for me, I wouldn't even try.

I know other people who managed to reconcile. It took years of pain and suffering. And I know people who tried, got the hard time, and eventually it didn't work, so years of their pain was for nothing.

That is why I wouldn't waste my time on this. I would have put her in my persona non grante" list and looking forward, trying to put everything behind me. Not my fault, not my punishment, let her be someone else's problem. I would have stopped talking to her, only thing that are necessary (children and so)

You don't have to decide immediately, and you have the right to change your mind many times.
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Old 21st August 2017, 6:29 AM   #15
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Four years that you know of. A very high hurdle to jump. Four years is essentially a whole other life hidden from you.

Make no promises to her. Don't discuss reconciliation beyond telling her what she needs to do for you to CONSIDER reconciliation. Promises and tears mean nothing from a proven liar. And she is a proven liar unless the two of you were living separately with no communication between you. Read and heed the advice here about reconciliation requirements

Do see your doctor if you have trouble sleeping, with anxiety, trouble eating. Don't drink alcohol. It won't help.

You may divorce. See an attorney so you get a picture of what the divorce process is and what your post divorce life will be like. Knowledge is power and will guard you against her threats of ruining you one way or another should divorce be started. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker despite efforts at reconciliation. Be prepared.

Learn the difference between regret and remorse. Without remorse there is little chance of reconciliation.

And never forget that your goal is to get out of infidelity. Whether that means reconciliation or divorce cannot be determined yet. But WW will either make the many changes necessary for R or she won't. Look at her behavior, not her words.

Individual counseling (not joint marriage counseling) is a must for her and optional for you if you attempt R. Marriage counseling now is a waste of time and money.

Lecture over for today.
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