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I cheated and now he wants a 'HallPass'


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We've been together for 8 years now. We're both 24. He was the first guy ive ever had sex with. He had sex with 3 women before me but im his first relationship too. Anyway, 4 months ago i got close to a co-worker, i worked alot while my fiance stayed home and played video games and worked with stocks.

 

I love my fiance to death, but i feel like he doesnt pay me too much attention. I cook him dinner most nights, I clean the house, I work. And the only time we spend is eating the food i cook every night and he goes back to the computer to read forums and play games. He never likes going out, he doesnt like celebrating holidays, or birthdays.... I know im making him sound aweful. But hes not. These are just things that bother me about him.

 

Anyway, another guy at work started showing me attention and i fell into it. I hate myself now because my life is in shambles. But i nonstop texted the guy until one night I gave him a BJ. Ugh. I feel so sick saying it. The past month, before this all happened I tried to warn my fiance that we arent working out, that im not happy and i dont think we should be together but he didnt want to accept it (or i wasnt clear enough). I didnt really want to break up, I just wanted him to fix things and stop letting the relationship be so one-sided. I give and do so much for him and he just takes and expects. I know he loves me but damn!

 

So before he found out the horrible act I did he started talking to other girls, which drove me crazy because hes going out and doing things with them that i just wanted him to do with me. So ..I told him what I did bc the guilt was killing me.

To skip a whole bunch of fact, its 4 months and he doesnt want to let me go bc he loves me to death he says and im human and i make mistakes he said. I feel sooooo guilty. I have literally been crying every week.

 

He loves me and holds me but still relentlessly on "MEET ME" apps and having friends that are girls (WHICH WE NEVER HAD FRIENDS OF OPPOSITE SEX BEFORE)and says he deserves to use a "hall pass" (which i suggested 4 months ago out of guilt) But the thought of him being with another WOMAN DRIVES ME INSANE. Literally. And when I try to tell him i dont think he should have it he says 'You had a d*** in your mouth and his fluids"

 

And its so true....I feel like I've ruined my life.....I feel hopeless....I cant talk to ppl about it bc they just tell me to leave him..and I really dont want too. I told him, if you want to be with other women fine, just let me go, i wont talk to anyone. But he doesnt want that. UGHHH im so lost.

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I used to be so full of life and happy, and confident. Now, I literally wish a car would hit me at an intersection and end my life. Things werent great before but they werent bad. NOW they are worse. And I cannot see how my life can get better. What do I do? How do I ignore the thought of a Hall Pass? How do I stop letting him constantly on his phone torture me? How do I find my happiness again?

 

**Sorry I feel like I'm all over the place with my story, etc, but im a mess.....

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i would suggest both of you to grow up first

 

Would it be better if I said, im 30 and I'm married. I grew up in foster care, practically raised my little sister. My fiance and I are lucky enough to own a house already and we have a child on the way. I am halfway through with nursing school. Pardon if I sound like a whiny child in my post but I am a mess.

 

LIFE is about growing up, we are all, no matter the age, constantly growing and learning and run into our own catastrophes and disasters and this is mine. I am devastated. Whether, we both need to "grow up" or not is not the issue. The issue is the problem at hand while at the mentality at hand

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Would it be better if I said, im 30 and I'm married. I grew up in foster care, practically raised my little sister. My fiance and I are lucky enough to own a house already and we have a child on the way. I am halfway through with nursing school. Pardon if I sound like a whiny child in my post but I am a mess.

 

LIFE is about growing up, we are all, no matter the age, constantly growing and learning and run into our own catastrophes and disasters and this is mine. I am devastated. Whether, we both need to "grow up" or not is not the issue. The issue is the problem at hand while at the mentality at hand

 

im confused, are you engaged or married?

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im confused, are you engaged or married?

 

She was responding to a slightly less than helpful response of "grow up" by asking a hypothetical question if she was older and married how different would the advice be.

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You've given us a million reasons to walk away. So in order to give us a better understanding of the big picture, counter your story by telling us why you stay.

 

In particular, what does he do which makes you feel loved and valued?

How does he show respect to you?

In what ways is he thoughtful of your needs?

What is he doing to address issues in the relationship?

What about him shows that he will make a great dad? Will he spend quality time with your child and being proactive about things like diaper changes?

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The problem is you are already raising a child that is supposed to be your husband.

 

What do you see in him, really?

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She was responding to a slightly less than helpful response of "grow up" by asking a hypothetical question if she was older and married how different would the advice be.

 

it is a very helpful advice, growing up solves many issues and i think the prime issue of OP is not growing up

 

one should one seek relations when he/she has matured enough no relation works if people are not grown ups

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Hi Truly, sorry to see you on the horns of a dilemma. However, it seems that much of the situation is because you let things slide. Bailey is right. You have to give us reasons as to why you are sticking with your fiance. He seems to be an utterly selfish self centered little spoilt child treating you more like his mother than his romantic partner. How did you two get together? What drew you to him? What special qualities in him attracted you? Why, after his behaviour with you, do you want to stick around?

 

I think what Hammy was trying to tell you was that both of you have been behaving in a juvenile manner in the handling of this situation. It was not so much as anything to do with your ages or marital status as how you two have handled this situation. I think a very important factor is that you seem to lack self respect which is why your fiance does not respect you enough to pay attention to what you have to say. Also, your lack of self respect led you to seek validation from a source other than your fiance. It seems to me that since you two are not married, it is best that you break it off with your fiance. He seems selfish and is keeping you around to meet his creature needs and you do not love him enough to not have cheated on him. Think about it. Warm wishes.

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I just want to remark that many people that are mature in many aspects, turn to act with no maturity at all when it comes to their relationship, and it's totally natural. It's ok. We are all little children sometimes.

 

Reading you from the side, I can see that you MUST leave the guy. You both stuck in a corner. He's not happy, you're not happy. Of course you love each other but this love is destructive for you especially. now, listen to me carefully:

 

YOU DON'T NEED HIS APPROVAL OR CONSENT TO LET HIM GO. Read it again and memorize it. you can leave him. I advice you to prepare a place where you can stay for a while and just go there without telling you where you are, so he cannot come over there. Tell him it's over by phone, and say that you can't meet him yet. And go no contact because obviously this guy has an enormous influence on you.

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Neither of you are ready for marriage to be honest.

 

I agree that you both have a lot of growing up to do, especially if you class giving a BJ as getting attention.

 

If you weren't getting the attention you need in your relationship, you discuss it like and adult and if there are no changes, you end the relationship because it's not meeting your needs.

 

That's the mature way to deal with it.

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YOU DON'T NEED HIS APPROVAL OR CONSENT TO LET HIM GO

 

AND

 

How is 'giving' BJ , ' getting ' attention?

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How is 'giving' BJ , ' getting ' attention?

 

The BJ was the trade off, to get the attention she craved.

Women often feel pressurised to reward men with sexual favours, by giving the BJ, she was trying to keep the attention coming her way.

 

OP - leave you fiancé immediately. DO NOT say you love him as there is very little love here. He is just using you, he doesn't deserve your love..

One sided "love" affairs do not work, as you are finding out, it hurts all the time... YOU cannot make people love you, care for you, treat you the way you want to be treated, and want what is best for you.

 

1) he is not giving you any thing back, you give he just takes and takes and takes and now he knows he can blackmail you to accept even more of this master/slave arrangement.

2) you will always feel beholden to him, he is already using your cheating to gain a Hall Pass, a "Hall Pass" I guess he used long before he found out you were cheating... He is not going out and talking to other girls to discuss the weather is he?

He is moving on and as soon as he finds another "slave" he will dump you all together.

 

YOU can't "fix" this.

 

Run far away and do not look back.

DO NOT marry him.

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We've been together for 8 years now. We're both 24. He was the first guy ive ever had sex with. He had sex with 3 women before me but im his first relationship too. Anyway, 4 months ago i got close to a co-worker, i worked alot while my fiance stayed home and played video games and worked with stocks. I love my fiance to death, but i feel like he doesnt pay me too much attention. I cook him dinner most nights, I clean the house, I work. And the only time we spend is eating the food i cook every night and he goes back to the computer to read forums and play games. He never likes going out, he doesnt like celebrating holidays, or birthdays.... I know im making him sound aweful. But hes not. These are just things that bother me about him.

Anyway, another guy at work started showing me attention and i fell into it. I hate myself now because my life is in shambles. But i nonstop texted the guy until one night I gave him a BJ. Ugh. I feel so sick saying it. The past month, before this all happened I tried to warn my fiance that we arent working out, that im not happy and i dont think we should be together but he didnt want to accept it (or i wasnt clear enough). I didnt really want to break up, I just wanted him to fix things and stop letting the relationship be so one-sided. I give and do so much for him and he just takes and expects. I know he loves me but damn!

So before he found out the horrible act I did he started talking to other girls, which drove me crazy because hes going out and doing things with them that i just wanted him to do with me. So ..I told him what I did bc the guilt was killing me.

To skip a whole bunch of fact, its 4 months and he doesnt want to let me go bc he loves me to death he says and im human and i make mistakes he said. I feel sooooo guilty. I have literally been crying every week. He loves me and holds me but still relentlessly on "MEET ME" apps and having friends that are girls (WHICH WE NEVER HAD FRIENDS OF OPPOSITE SEX BEFORE)and says he deserves to use a "hall pass" (which i suggested 4 months ago out of guilt) But the thought of him being with another WOMAN DRIVES ME INSANE. Literally. And when I try to tell him i dont think he should have it he says 'You had a d*** in your mouth and his fluids" And its so true....I feel like I've ruined my life.....I feel hopeless....I cant talk to ppl about it bc they just tell me to leave him..and I really dont want too. I told him, if you want to be with other women fine, just let me go, i wont talk to anyone. But he doesnt want that. UGHHH im so lost.

 

You've been together for 8 years, engaged but still not married. He doesn't have a job. You cook and clean, run the household, to to work, while he plays video games, etc. You don't have a fiance, you have a roommate and a spoiled one at that.

 

Now you are playing some kind of passive-aggressive, tit for tat game with each other. You cheated and he doesn't want to lose you? He doesn't care if he loses YOU, he doesn't want to lose his replacement MOTHER.

 

End this relationship. It's a farce.

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Break up with your fiance. There's no love between you two. You may be co-dependant, but that's not love. And if all it took was a couple weeks of attention to get you to stray, you really shouldn't be with anyone, bc there's always going to bed a guy that's giving you attention that isn't your SO.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

BJ and hall pass aside, your fiance needs to make a lot of changes in order to make this relationship work. Only going to get worse for you when that baby arrives.

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There is no relationship.

 

You are his meal ticket, house provider, house cleaner, maid,

internet provider, without him even providing very little sex

and no emotional support.

 

Move out today and go back home if that is the only place

you can move to in a moments notice.

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Darren Steez
Would it be better if I said, im 30 and I'm married. I grew up in foster care, practically raised my little sister. My fiance and I are lucky enough to own a house already and we have a child on the way. I am halfway through with nursing school. Pardon if I sound like a whiny child in my post but I am a mess.

 

LIFE is about growing up, we are all, no matter the age, constantly growing and learning and run into our own catastrophes and disasters and this is mine. I am devastated. Whether, we both need to "grow up" or not is not the issue. The issue is the problem at hand while at the mentality at hand

 

Was about to chime in but you attacking those trying to help is a no no.

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There is no relationship.

 

You are his meal ticket, house provider, house cleaner, maid,

internet provider, without him even providing very little sex

and no emotional support.

 

Move out today and go back home if that is the only place

you can move to in a moments notice.

 

Wise advice from a man who gets that there's more going here than you cheating.

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The guy at work is a better bet for you. Your fiancé is a child. You need more in life - you gave him a chance - you're not married yet.

 

He's not a great prospect.

 

You cheated for a wealth of reason that will only get more pronounced in the future. You're adventurous- wanting to be a part of a threesome - he's too busy playing with his joystick.

 

When the problem came open, he was too busy thinking about making the score even rather than trying to work things out with you.

 

Someone said you both need to grow up. I believe you will quickly. He definitely won't.

 

You work. He plays and doesn't help out.

 

You know you can do better.

 

Get out of this while you can do so freely.

 

If you marry this dweeb, you will be divorcing him soon anyway.

 

Before you hook up with someone else, know who you are and what you want in life and in sex. Find someone who will match that more closely than what you have with this guy.

 

You sound cool. Stay cool.

 

Marriage is an adventure and I think you would be happy to be the Bonnie to a Clyde who's out there waiting for you.

 

The last thing is, cheating is never a good idea. It's symptomatic to other things. I think we know what the other things are. Stop beating yourself up over it.

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Jersey born raised

Bluntly your FOO issues forced you to take on responsibilities a child cannot properly handle and prevented you from fully maturing. A mature adult would not have accepted the burden of a fiancé or marriage that was not emotional healthy for either partner. Your fiancé needs to grow up.

 

Your cheating (notice I used cheating not adultery) was again a poor decision in reaction to not ending a relationship that you should have.

Those who know my posting history will be somewhat surprised by this post. I point out to them, you are not married.

 

The question is will this become a lifetime habit for you? Perhaps you will stay sane enough so your Child will not be placed in foster care at some point. Your educational direction and economic success to date indicate you will.

I strongly suggest you find an IC with a background with FOO issues.

 

Commonly suggested books include: "Not Just Friends" for establishing good boundaries not just in one and one relationships. "His Needs Her Needs" for insight into what health long term relationships include. "5LoveLanuages" to improve communication (remember how you say it is often more important

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Jersey born raised

It is difficult to edit posts on my iPad. I wish to stress the cheating is your issue to deal with AND only yours. The question you face is how you become a person strong enough that no matter what, you will not cheat.

 

The relationship issues are for both of you. If the cheating issue is not mostly settled and growth seen by the betrayed the issues in the relationship will be seen as an excuse and justification.

 

Some other books include "love busters" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Note: the one thing all these books have in common is they show what a healthy marriage includes but how to get there. I suggest if you had read and internalized them you would not be in the situation you are currently in.

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