Discovered Husband of 6 months Cheating Before and After Marriage

[maggie60]

My husband and I have been dating for about 5 years. We have been long distance for the past 3 years. We were engaged Jan. 2016, and married Jan. 2017 and planning to move in together April 2017. He starting postponing our move-in time for various reasons and became VERY distant starting around March. He mentioned some issues that we needed to work on and that he does not love me anymore, but refused to see me (but for a few short visits) or really vocalize the issues. After a few months, I had enough and just went to visit him and discovered he had an affair for over a year. Seems like they tried to end it (she was married too), and they were back together after our wedding. She may even be living with him. They also appear to very much be in love and have a deep connection. (ugh..kill me now). He never told me about the cheating, even though I asked him point blank on multiple occasions, so I discovered it on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am completely torn and devastated. I love this man so much. I never thought he was capable of this. Even when he became distant, I never really thought that cheating would be the main issue. He claims to be very religious and we even had religious counseling before marriage. I've talked to a few close friends and family and they are all completely shocked that he did this. He put on a complete front for the past year! Why did he go forward with the marriage? We talked about how important the marriage vows were, and the whole time he was hiding this from me! I can suspect a few reasons why he did this but we will be having a conversation about it this weekend. I don't think he will be interested trying to resolve this. Initially, I did not want to work on it either--cut my losses this early (no change in my life right now, no kids, etc.) and not deal with these perpetual issues for the rest of my life. After cooling down a few days, I realize I still love him and maybe I should take our vows more seriously... But I know it is not the smart thing to do... What do I do? And why did he do this!?

[Michelle ma Belle]

My husband and I have been dating for about 5 years. We have been long distance for the past 3 years. We were engaged Jan. 2016, and married Jan. 2017 and planning to move in together April 2017. He starting postponing our move-in time for various reasons and became VERY distant starting around March. He mentioned some issues that we needed to work on and that he does not love me anymore, but refused to see me (but for a few short visits) or really vocalize the issues. After a few months, I had enough and just went to visit him and discovered he had an affair for over a year. Seems like they tried to end it (she was married too), and they were back together after our wedding. She may even be living with him. They also appear to very much be in love and have a deep connection. (ugh..kill me now). He never told me about the cheating, even though I asked him point blank on multiple occasions, so I discovered it on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am completely torn and devastated. I love this man so much. I never thought he was capable of this. Even when he became distant, I never really thought that cheating would be the main issue. He claims to be very religious and we even had religious counseling before marriage. I've talked to a few close friends and family and they are all completely shocked that he did this. He put on a complete front for the past year! Why did he go forward with the marriage? We talked about how important the marriage vows were, and the whole time he was hiding this from me! I can suspect a few reasons why he did this but we will be having a conversation about it this weekend. I don't think he will be interested trying to resolve this. Initially, I did not want to work on it either--cut my losses this early (no change in my life right now, no kids, etc.) and not deal with these perpetual issues for the rest of my life. After cooling down a few days, I realize I still love him and maybe I should take our vows more seriously... But I know it is not the smart thing to do... What do I do? And why did he do this!?

 

Bold #1 - I think you need to re-read that sentence over and over again. It says it all about the kind of man he is.

 

Bold #2 - Are you serious?? YOU should take your marriage vows more serious but HE gets to go off and live a double life while pretending to be a righteous man?!! COME ON!!!

 

 

Sweetie, I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I commend your spirit and unwavering love for this man but I can NOT sit here and tell you to give up even more years of your life trying to save your marriage to a man who clearly has ZERO respect for you and your relationship.

 

Have you confronted him about what you know? If so, what did he say?

 

Just because you still love him doesn't mean you should be married to him. Love doesn't look and feel like this. How many more years do you want to stay trapped in a marriage where you're forever trying to convince him to choose you over this other woman? How many more years do you want to keep looking over your shoulder wondering if he's still in contact with her or seeing her or someone else entirely!?

 

If you stay, this will be a marriage with 3 people in it. Reminds of Prince Charles, Lady Diana and Camilla. This won't end well for you. Please know you're worthy of so much better.

[anika99]

I am so sorry that this man did this to you. What a terrible lie to get married while knowingly cheating and loving someone else. He is a very flawed person and so you should not let this damage your self worth. His actions say lots about his terrible character but they are not in a way a reflection of your value. Remember that.

 

You cannot take your marriage vows more seriously because it's a fraudulent marriage. Oh I know you were sincere and committed when you said those vows but he wasn't and it takes two people to make a successful marriage. If only one person meant their vows then it's pointless. Taking your marriage vows more seriously isn't going to make him change, it's only going to hurt even more when this marriage ultimately fails. It's already failed (through no fault of yours), so probably best to just have it annulled and then work on recovering.

[maggie60]

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I know you are right, but man this sucks... and I REALLY hope he doesn't marry this other woman. UGH.

 

 

We still haven't had a conversation about the affair since I recently discovered it and pretty much ran away upon learning it. We will talk this weekend.

[stillafool]

How can he marry her if he is married to you? Why aren't you two living together?

[maggie60]

We weren't living together right after marriage because he finished residency in June and took a major test in April. We thought it would be better to wait. In hindsight, it was probably his way to delay more.

 

 

I'm just thinking ahead...if I move forward with divorce, and he stays with her... sigh... I saw references in his emails calling her his wife. :T

[Michelle ma Belle]

We weren't living together right after marriage because he finished residency in June and took a major test in April. We thought it would be better to wait. In hindsight, it was probably his way to delay more.

 

 

I'm just thinking ahead...if I move forward with divorce, and he stays with her... sigh... I saw references in his emails calling her his wife. :T

 

IF????!!

 

Why is there even a doubt???? And don't tell me because you love him. He doesn't love you. Try and remember this.

 

Please please PLEASE have more respect for yourself.

 

Honestly, I think you would greatly benefit with some counselling.

[usa1ah]

We weren't living together right after marriage because he finished residency in June and took a major test in April. We thought it would be better to wait. In hindsight, it was probably his way to delay more.

 

 

I'm just thinking ahead...if I move forward with divorce, and he stays with her... sigh... I saw references in his emails calling her his wife. :T

 

 

Take copies of the emails and get a lawyer asap. Do not let him off easy. Take him for everything you can. Let the OBS know what is happening let his work HR know what is going on. Blow his cheating azz up.

[misspalmy]

i hope you kick him out, guys like that are at risk of doing it again, the lie to everyone just to have there cake and eat it too

[preraph]

Just be glad you found out before you moved in or made a commitment or had a baby. He's never going to be faithful to you and probably to anyone else. He's a liar. That's the worst of it. Realize some men's dream isn't one right woman but a few for variety.

[sandylee1]

Why would you even want to be married to him? As he entered the marriage cheating, it's grounds for an annulment, never mind you wanting to carry on.

 

Unless you realise your self worth, people will trample all over you.

[S2B]

Just be glad you found out before you moved in or made a commitment or had a baby. He's never going to be faithful to you and probably to anyone else. He's a liar. That's the worst of it. Realize some men's dream isn't one right woman but a few for variety.

 

Looks like she's married to him.

 

You've not really even lived with this guy. You don't know him - the real him.

 

Just annul the marriage and figure you got off easy.

 

Why would you want to stay with him?

[MJJean]

Your marriage is a sham. You don't live together, he's in love with someone else and has been in a relationship with someone else the whole time. Your marriage is a marriage on paper only.

 

File for divorce, have him served, block contact. There really isn't anything to say.

[maggie60]

I am thinking more clearly now. I am filing for divorce. He has hurt me too much and has shown minimal signs of remorse or motivation to reconcile. I am glad I found out he is a lying, deceiving, selfish coward now rather than later (like moving, quitting job, having kids, etc.) This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I know this will be better for me. Now, I am just focusing on keeping my sanity...

[ExpatInItaly]

You are doing the right thing, OP.

 

There is no marriage here, beyond a document stating you are legally married to each other. This will hurt you like hell, but you will survive it. One day at a time.

 

I am so sorry.