Did my affair destroy our compatibility?

[Southern Sun]

Sometimes I wonder if my affair just ruined us for good, or we are still going through the normal pains of reconciliation. We are a little over a year out, which I know is still "young" in the standard quoted 2-5 year recovery timeframe.

 

Our communication is really...poor. I feel like we don't get each other at all. He thinks I am really harsh and insensitive and I think he is OVERLY sensitive and out to lunch.

 

Sometimes I will avoid telling him things about my day because I know that he will respond in a "devil's advocate" way and I honestly don't know why he does it. Why always have an opposing opinion? Sometimes I could just use an empathetic ear. Even just a silly story like, can you believe our neighbor "borrowed" all 12 of our eggs AGAIN?? I can't say it to him because his response will be, isn't that sweet, that she will come to you with her needs. Meanwhile I am rolling my eyes because I just wanted my husband to say, geez, that's annoying!! And laugh with me. Like a friend of mine would.

 

He will even go so far, in a conversation like that, to scold me...like, whoa, whoa, slow down there with that tone. As if I am being offensive. To whom? I am sharing a silly story with my husband, the one and only person I can do that with.

 

The other day we were riding in the car and a (what I thought was random) song was playing on the radio. I found it annoying and said, "Do you like that?", hoping to change it. Apparently he had been playing it on purpose and got very offended. He turned it and then later corrected me: If you don't like someone else's music, you should say it in a different way...

 

Okay. I get it. However I didn't even know you had chosen that music.

 

Even if we are having "nice" conversation and he's trying to respond normally, it's like we are on two different wavelengths. He's responding and I'm always course-correcting...no, that's not what I meant. No, not exactly.

 

I just...we can't even talk to each other. He frustrates me. I offend him.

 

Is this normal for recovery? Are we just different now? I don't know what to think.

[HereNorThere]

What a freaking nightmare.

 

First off, what husband wouldn't be a bit sensitive to criticism after he caught his wife banging some old guy? You completely destroyed the dude's ego. He's also caught up in cognitive dissonance. He knows that staying with you is dangerous, but he's doing it anyway. It's probably not easy as him for him to throw his integrity away as it is for you. That's not a bad thing.

 

You don't want a conversation, you want just to b*tch and have someone agree with you. Unless you're in North Korea, your husband is allowed to dissent. If you don't like it, go back to grandpa.

 

Me, me, me, me, me. You are lucky he talks to you AT ALL. Cut the guy a break for once, JESUS. It's like you shot the guy in the head and now you are pissed off that he's still the hospital. What a nightmare.

[knabe]

The big question to ask would be: was it like this before your affair? If not, then I'd say he is still expressing hurt in some way. If he's always been like that, then it can't be blamed on the affair. That's like someone who has always been 350 pounds saying "my spouse's affair ruined my self-esteem and made me fat."

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sometimes I wonder if my affair just ruined us for good, or we are still going through the normal pains of reconciliation. We are a little over a year out, which I know is still "young" in the standard quoted 2-5 year recovery timeframe.

 

Our communication is really...poor. I feel like we don't get each other at all. He thinks I am really harsh and insensitive and I think he is OVERLY sensitive and out to lunch.

 

Sometimes I will avoid telling him things about my day because I know that he will respond in a "devil's advocate" way and I honestly don't know why he does it. Why always have an opposing opinion? Sometimes I could just use an empathetic ear. Even just a silly story like, can you believe our neighbor "borrowed" all 12 of our eggs AGAIN?? I can't say it to him because his response will be, isn't that sweet, that she will come to you with her needs. Meanwhile I am rolling my eyes because I just wanted my husband to say, geez, that's annoying!! And laugh with me. Like a friend of mine would.

 

He will even go so far, in a conversation like that, to scold me...like, whoa, whoa, slow down there with that tone. As if I am being offensive. To whom? I am sharing a silly story with my husband, the one and only person I can do that with.

 

The other day we were riding in the car and a (what I thought was random) song was playing on the radio. I found it annoying and said, "Do you like that?", hoping to change it. Apparently he had been playing it on purpose and got very offended. He turned it and then later corrected me: If you don't like someone else's music, you should say it in a different way...

 

Okay. I get it. However I didn't even know you had chosen that music.

 

Even if we are having "nice" conversation and he's trying to respond normally, it's like we are on two different wavelengths. He's responding and I'm always course-correcting...no, that's not what I meant. No, not exactly.

 

I just...we can't even talk to each other. He frustrates me. I offend him.

 

Is this normal for recovery? Are we just different now? I don't know what to think.

 

SS...I cannot say you ruined you for good....but i can say you forever CHANGED the two of you. Now...that doesn't mean doom and gloom... Change is not always bad...especially if you use it to make things better.

 

Communication as you already know...is the most important tool in healing.

 

MAy I ask...are the two of you in therapy? Becaseu it does sound like he still needs to work through some anger issues...he is being sarcastic and condescending to you...and i get it....even 33 years later...john can do that to me if he has triggered. Your honey sounds combative....and i want to tell you something about these fellas of ours.

 

John did the very same thing....and i think there is a part deep withing them...that almost wishes we would quit....that WE would make the decison to leave....so they TEST us...to see just how far they can push. Now...the reality is....they dont want us to leave...not at all. But its almost as if...they just want to see if we REALLY mean it.

 

Sometimes when John would speak to me the way you have described...I would take him by the hand...look into his eyes and say...you know...that hurt...but i told you i am not leaving...and i am not leaving. I could almost see the stress leave his shoulders.

 

I am not syaing this is what is going on with you...i am offering it as possibility. Tell me what you think?

 

Dont give up doll...hang in there...even if its by the CLAWS....

 

Remember where he is....and be patient. This too shall pass.

[mikeylo]

That's deep seated resentment and bitterness. If not helped the right way, it will , and is, going to ruin whatever is left in your relationship.

[Southern Sun]

SS...I cannot say you ruined you for good....but i can say you forever CHANGED the two of you. Now...that doesn't mean doom and gloom... Change is not always bad...especially if you use it to make things better.

 

Communication as you already know...is the most important tool in healing.

 

MAy I ask...are the two of you in therapy? Becaseu it does sound like he still needs to work through some anger issues...he is being sarcastic and condescending to you...and i get it....even 33 years later...john can do that to me if he has triggered. Your honey sounds combative....and i want to tell you something about these fellas of ours.

 

John did the very same thing....and i think there is a part deep withing them...that almost wishes we would quit....that WE would make the decison to leave....so they TEST us...to see just how far they can push. Now...the reality is....they dont want us to leave...not at all. But its almost as if...they just want to see if we REALLY mean it.

 

Sometimes when John would speak to me the way you have described...I would take him by the hand...look into his eyes and say...you know...that hurt...but i told you i am not leaving...and i am not leaving. I could almost see the stress leave his shoulders.

 

I am not syaing this is what is going on with you...i am offering it as possibility. Tell me what you think?

 

Dont give up doll...hang in there...even if its by the CLAWS....

 

Remember where he is....and be patient. This too shall pass.

 

Thank you very much.

 

Unfortunately, he refuses any sort of counseling.

 

Yes, I do think he tests me. Agree with that theory.

 

I think there are times when I can do as you say. His negative emotions often come out as being passive aggressive, so it's hard me for me to use compassion in those moments...or to even know if that's the right thing to do. But I will try.

[Southern Sun]

The big question to ask would be: was it like this before your affair? If not, then I'd say he is still expressing hurt in some way. If he's always been like that, then it can't be blamed on the affair. That's like someone who has always been 350 pounds saying "my spouse's affair ruined my self-esteem and made me fat."

 

I think he could be like this before the affair...but it is probably much worse now.

 

Like maybe this is his way of expressing resentment towards me; or a way of taking control or feeling powerful. And of course the affair gave him reasons to do this.

[GoldenR]

Sounds very passive aggressive. He's resentful. With or without therapy, he probably will be for a very long time.

 

If he's like me, when I tried to R, I had 3 thoughts that swirled in my mind non-freaking-stop:

 

- "She still would be cheating on me if I hadn't caught her"

 

- "She knew I might divorce her if she was caught, but she did it anyway. Shows how much she valued our marriage".

 

- "Now she knows I'll take her back if I catch her cheating."

 

So yeah, I acted pretty much the same as you're describing. I know everyone is different, but for me,I had those thoughts for almost 2 years, and for that time period, I wasn't the most pleasant guy when I was around her.

[whatsgoingon83]

This sounds a lot like the way my husband and I speak to each other. I know we have an underlying communication problem. I keep things bottled in and once I reach my boiling point is when I say something. My husband seems to be the same way. He doesn't like fighting and wants things to just be okay. So whenever we have an issue our conversations go like this or we blow up each other.

 

If your hisband is refusing counseling, is there any chance of your marriage recovering??

[Southern Sun]

Sounds very passive aggressive. He's resentful. With or without therapy, he probably will be for a very long time.

 

If he's like me, when I tried to R, I had 3 thoughts that swirled in my mind non-freaking-stop:

 

- "She still would be cheating on me if I hadn't caught her"

 

- "She knew I might divorce her if she was caught, but she did it anyway. Shows how much she valued our marriage".

 

- "Now she knows I'll take her back if I catch her cheating."

 

So yeah, I acted pretty much the same as you're describing. I know everyone is different, but for me,I had those thoughts for almost 2 years, and for that time period, I wasn't the most pleasant guy when I was around her.

 

Oh man. You divorced, right?

 

I am sure my A was particularly painful, but does it help at all that I confessed? That the finale was me ending the relationship and confessing?

 

Who knows. The pain is horrific regardless.

[whichwayisup]

Try being more sensitive and compassionate, more understanding. That will go a long way He isn't wrong being that way. The world needs more like this.

 

It sounds like this is more your issue than his. Your tolerance level is low when it comes to him and you get irritated quickly. I'm sure things were kind of like this before the A but it never bothered you like it does now. ?

[Mrs. John Adams]

This sounds a lot like the way my husband and I speak to each other. I know we have an underlying communication problem. I keep things bottled in and once I reach my boiling point is when I say something. My husband seems to be the same way. He doesn't like fighting and wants things to just be okay. So whenever we have an issue our conversations go like this or we blow up each other.

 

If your hisband is refusing counseling, is there any chance of your marriage recovering??

 

There is certainly a chance that it can recover....because there are those of us who have done so...but it might take longer.

[GoldenR]

I divorced bc she cheated again.

 

With you, I know you posted here, IIRC, that you stopped it basically bc the relationship w/your MM went bad, right? Does your H know that's why? Bc to me, that's almost as bad as getting caught, maybe worse, bc he could now think of himself as plan b.

 

Confessing, however, is a huge plus IMO.

 

From what I remember you've said about him, I don't think your H is going to divorce you.

 

Time, SS, time.

 

My suggestion is for you to plan a getaway for the two of you. Relaxation, recreation and intimacy all rolled into a few days away is a great start to turning a corner in R.

[QuietDan]

To a certain extent, it also sounds like you may be looking for slight, arguements, and issues. One thing I noticed is that you are keeping score and mentally logging reasons to be offended or hurt. Even the best of relationships have these moments of misunderstandings and slights. When a relationship is on good terms, usually they are overlooked and forgiven. Maybe there is a short discussion, or argument. Then, people move on, it is forgiven, learned from, incorporated or forgotten.

Keeping score usually isn't healthy for relationships.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know anything about your situation, but it sounds to me like he still has resentment toward you, and probably also a feeling of a loss of control. Since he didn't have a choice in the matter, he may feel a loss of control and even fear, and one way to try to regain some control is by correcting/controlling your behavior and actions in very minute ways. My aunt is like this with my mom and it is very annoying.

[knabe]

And of course the affair gave him reasons to do this.

 

Actually no. Not if we aren't hypocrites. IF a cheater is 100% responsible for their choices regardless of anything else or any other factor (and I believe this to be the case), then we all are. Either humans are responsible for their own actions and choices or they aren't. We don't get to call one group of people respnsible for their choices and not others, no matter how much our own presonal experiences and issues may skew us.

[wmacbride]

Sometimes I wonder if my affair just ruined us for good, or we are still going through the normal pains of reconciliation. We are a little over a year out, which I know is still "young" in the standard quoted 2-5 year recovery timeframe.

 

Our communication is really...poor. I feel like we don't get each other at all. He thinks I am really harsh and insensitive and I think he is OVERLY sensitive and out to lunch.

 

Sometimes I will avoid telling him things about my day because I know that he will respond in a "devil's advocate" way and I honestly don't know why he does it. Why always have an opposing opinion? Sometimes I could just use an empathetic ear. Even just a silly story like, can you believe our neighbor "borrowed" all 12 of our eggs AGAIN?? I can't say it to him because his response will be, isn't that sweet, that she will come to you with her needs. Meanwhile I am rolling my eyes because I just wanted my husband to say, geez, that's annoying!! And laugh with me. Like a friend of mine would.

 

He will even go so far, in a conversation like that, to scold me...like, whoa, whoa, slow down there with that tone. As if I am being offensive. To whom? I am sharing a silly story with my husband, the one and only person I can do that with.

 

The other day we were riding in the car and a (what I thought was random) song was playing on the radio. I found it annoying and said, "Do you like that?", hoping to change it. Apparently he had been playing it on purpose and got very offended. He turned it and then later corrected me: If you don't like someone else's music, you should say it in a different way...

 

Okay. I get it. However I didn't even know you had chosen that music.

 

Even if we are having "nice" conversation and he's trying to respond normally, it's like we are on two different wavelengths. He's responding and I'm always course-correcting...no, that's not what I meant. No, not exactly.

 

I just...we can't even talk to each other. He frustrates me. I offend him.

 

Is this normal for recovery? Are we just different now? I don't know what to think.

 

I'm not trying to pick at you, but there is a lot of miscommunication going on here. For example, instead of asking him if he likes a song on the radio, say to him you don't like it and ask if the station can be changed, and explain why.

 

I do think that married couples can sometimes forget to be courteous to one another. You're around that person so much, and can be so in sync that it can be easy to forget they aren't mind readers.

 

Reconciliation doesn't make these sorts of issues disappear, but they can be overshadowed by the fallout from an A.

 

At any rate, don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing what you can to improve your marriage, admitted your errors and accepted responsibility. That's a lot further than some ws ever get, and you are already there.

[Southern Sun]

I divorced bc she cheated again.

 

With you, I know you posted here, IIRC, that you stopped it basically bc the relationship w/your MM went bad, right? Does your H know that's why? Bc to me, that's almost as bad as getting caught, maybe worse, bc he could now think of himself as plan b.

 

Confessing, however, is a huge plus IMO.

 

From what I remember you've said about him, I don't think your H is going to divorce you.

 

Time, SS, time.

 

My suggestion is for you to plan a getaway for the two of you. Relaxation, recreation and intimacy all rolled into a few days away is a great start to turning a corner in R.

 

As to your first question, no, it didn't really 'go bad.' I simply realized it was bad. I realized it wasn't 'good' or it wasn't right. It did go through some crazy iterations, and actually my H does know about some of those things. Ironically, the relationship had stabilized by the time I ended it. So in a sense, it was far calmer and SEEMED healthier when I called it off. Kind of strange.

 

The getaway...maybe I have an upcoming opportunity. I will look into that.

[Southern Sun]

To a certain extent, it also sounds like you may be looking for slight, arguements, and issues. One thing I noticed is that you are keeping score and mentally logging reasons to be offended or hurt. Even the best of relationships have these moments of misunderstandings and slights. When a relationship is on good terms, usually they are overlooked and forgiven. Maybe there is a short discussion, or argument. Then, people move on, it is forgiven, learned from, incorporated or forgotten.

Keeping score usually isn't healthy for relationships.

 

I don't really think I'm trying to keep score. Maybe it's just because I posted here? I just happened to have several things happen in a cluster, which is what led me to post and how I had a "list".

 

Everything feels extra sensitive right now. And ironically, I don't typically feel like it's me that is sensitive.

[Southern Sun]

Try being more sensitive and compassionate, more understanding. That will go a long way He isn't wrong being that way. The world needs more like this.

 

It sounds like this is more your issue than his. Your tolerance level is low when it comes to him and you get irritated quickly. I'm sure things were kind of like this before the A but it never bothered you like it does now. ?

 

I can see being more compassionate about the music thing...even the issue when he's not following in conversation (which, BTW, I am not insensitive about in the moment...it's just something I mentioned bc it happened last night and piled on).

 

But it does bother me that I feel I can't just talk to him, like normal. Like he's my husband. Like I can't tell him a silly story without him correcting me. Or it won't be any fun to tell about my neighbor because we don't have that sort of camaraderie anymore. If that makes any sense. It makes me feel lonely.

[harrybrown]

Does he tell you when he is triggering?

 

He may be triggering many times a day. Most do for many years.

 

Some BS feel like the marriage was killed by the A. And yet they hang on.

 

Hope he will take you up on some kind of reading .

 

there are some articles online that have helped. look for affair recovery articles. I am sure that you put yourself in his place by thinking about how you would feel if he feel in love with another woman and had a long A.

think about it really to see how he lost his self-esteem and feels like less of a man, because you chose someone else over and over rather than talking to him. is he still your second choice or a backup plan?

 

 

Go back over not just friends and how to help your spouse heal from your A.

 

it takes so much work. You will have to build a new marriage with the old one causing pain.

 

Good luck to you and your H. Hope you can do some action to show him that you are protecting your H and your marriage by doing something like exposing the AP to his work and that you are not still protecting the AP.

 

But now realize that he was your help in hurting your marriage and your H.

 

So do something to show your H that he is not the backup plan. You have an exceptional mind that was good in covering your A and so much effort to make sure the AP came back for more. Use this effort now and keen mind to put your H above your AP and find a way with your actions to show your H that the AP will pay for helping you to hurt your H and your marriage.

 

You are smart, you will figure out a good way.

 

Hope you find a way to help your H.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sometimes I wonder if my affair just ruined us for good, or we are still going through the normal pains of reconciliation. We are a little over a year out, which I know is still "young" in the standard quoted 2-5 year recovery timeframe.

 

Our communication is really...poor. I feel like we don't get each other at all. He thinks I am really harsh and insensitive and I think he is OVERLY sensitive and out to lunch.

 

Sometimes I will avoid telling him things about my day because I know that he will respond in a "devil's advocate" way and I honestly don't know why he does it. Why always have an opposing opinion? Sometimes I could just use an empathetic ear. Even just a silly story like, can you believe our neighbor "borrowed" all 12 of our eggs AGAIN?? I can't say it to him because his response will be, isn't that sweet, that she will come to you with her needs. Meanwhile I am rolling my eyes because I just wanted my husband to say, geez, that's annoying!! And laugh with me. Like a friend of mine would.

 

He will even go so far, in a conversation like that, to scold me...like, whoa, whoa, slow down there with that tone. As if I am being offensive. To whom? I am sharing a silly story with my husband, the one and only person I can do that with.

 

The other day we were riding in the car and a (what I thought was random) song was playing on the radio. I found it annoying and said, "Do you like that?", hoping to change it. Apparently he had been playing it on purpose and got very offended. He turned it and then later corrected me: If you don't like someone else's music, you should say it in a different way...

 

Okay. I get it. However I didn't even know you had chosen that music.

 

Even if we are having "nice" conversation and he's trying to respond normally, it's like we are on two different wavelengths. He's responding and I'm always course-correcting...no, that's not what I meant. No, not exactly.

 

I just...we can't even talk to each other. He frustrates me. I offend him.

 

Is this normal for recovery? Are we just different now? I don't know what to think.

 

There exists a lot of resentment here. I am certain you are aware of this. I does not sound like your husband has forgiven you at all and his remaining in this relationship to 'reconcile' is not something he may be whole-heartedly feeling confident about.

 

Can one's infidelity compromise compatibility? Heck yah! He is now and will be for near future at least, on the defensive and consciously or no, will resist much of what you stand for, like, believe, etc.

[purplesorrow]

I can see being more compassionate about the music thing...even the issue when he's not following in conversation (which, BTW, I am not insensitive about in the moment...it's just something I mentioned bc it happened last night and piled on).

 

But it does bother me that I feel I can't just talk to him, like normal. Like he's my husband. Like I can't tell him a silly story without him correcting me. Or it won't be any fun to tell about my neighbor because we don't have that sort of camaraderie anymore. If that makes any sense. It makes me feel lonely.

If he feels anything like I did, he doesn't feel he knows you either. The affair was far reaching and touched and tainted so very much. Our inside jokes, tainted. The idiosyncrasies that made us...us, all tainted. It was all the small things, like how we instinctively reached for the others hand under the covers or at the movies. Or how we could make the other laugh or giggle with a look. How I could read his face and knew what he was thinking. How he could respond with flowers or chocolates because he understood the real meaning of my day was 'fine'. How could he betray that? I still can't understand it. I don't know this person. He is likely uncomfortable with you because he is still struggling with a decision to stay. He doesn't really know if you're safe yet. You want to be all in, but you also know you have to protect yourself. That is enough to make most interaction uncomfortable.

You will have to get back to the basics and learn one another again. Find a new hobby for both of you to learn. Find ways to just have fun. He is probably just as lonely as you. Good luck, it's tough.

[deadsoul]

SS...I cannot say you ruined you for good....but i can say you forever CHANGED the two of you. Now...that doesn't mean doom and gloom... Change is not always bad...especially if you use it to make things better.

 

Communication as you already know...is the most important tool in healing.

 

MAy I ask...are the two of you in therapy? Becaseu it does sound like he still needs to work through some anger issues...he is being sarcastic and condescending to you...and i get it....even 33 years later...john can do that to me if he has triggered. Your honey sounds combative....and i want to tell you something about these fellas of ours.

 

John did the very same thing....and i think there is a part deep withing them...that almost wishes we would quit....that WE would make the decison to leave....so they TEST us...to see just how far they can push. Now...the reality is....they dont want us to leave...not at all. But its almost as if...they just want to see if we REALLY mean it.

Sometimes when John would speak to me the way you have described...I would take him by the hand...look into his eyes and say...you know...that hurt...but i told you i am not leaving...and i am not leaving. I could almost see the stress leave his shoulders.

 

I am not syaing this is what is going on with you...i am offering it as possibility. Tell me what you think?

 

Dont give up doll...hang in there...even if its by the CLAWS....

 

Remember where he is....and be patient. This too shall pass.

 

this advice is actually really applicable to me right now.

 

SS,

 

I'm going through something similar and we are only 4 months out since I confessed, but our communication still sucks. He's also super passive-aggressive so instead of talking to me about how he's feeling, he does things that piss me off.

 

I don't really have any advice for you other than how much I appreciate that you post and you "keep it real" for the rest of us. R is not easy and, not that anyone says it is, but you post about specific things happening to you and it truly helps me to read some of your struggles and feelings as you navigate this.

 

I'm going to start reading 5 love languages and hopefully my BH will do the same and maybe we can learn how to communicate better.

[Southern Sun]

this advice is actually really applicable to me right now.

 

SS,

 

I'm going through something similar and we are only 4 months out since I confessed, but our communication still sucks. He's also super passive-aggressive so instead of talking to me about how he's feeling, he does things that piss me off.

 

I don't really have any advice for you other than how much I appreciate that you post and you "keep it real" for the rest of us. R is not easy and, not that anyone says it is, but you post about specific things happening to you and it truly helps me to read some of your struggles and feelings as you navigate this.

 

I'm going to start reading 5 love languages and hopefully my BH will do the same and maybe we can learn how to communicate better.

 

Thank you...I'm glad it helps someone.

 

My H does not like to read those types of books. Maybe it all feels too triggering? I've read so many...that one included. harrybrown said for me to read "Not Just Friends" again. The last time I did that my H absolutely lost his mind. Said I was reading about "him" (xMM) and that I was thinking about my affair. It makes me want to crawl into a hole. He thinks my seeking help in reading a book is reliving the affair. He's like a person surrounded by dangling exposed electrical wires. One false move...

 

I'm not being unsympathetic...merely factual. I know that it wouldn't be like this if I hadn't had the affair. I do wish he was willing to dig in more with me. I really wish he wouldn't freak out when I even work to help myself.