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Crossing the line or not?


LilyViolet

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I am posting this in Infidelity as I really don't know whether I am crossing a line or not. It doesn't feel like it to me but I don't know. If I need a stern talking to, please do give it to me.

 

The situation is this: I am in contact with an ex, my current boyfriend doesn't like it, contact has terminated but I'm not sure I want it to.

 

Some background on me and my ex: we met when I was 17-18 and connected instantly. It was one of those weird things where you meet someone and you know you'll be friends for life, you just have that spark that makes you get on. I have a few male and female friends who I have the same type of connection with. We were attracted to each other intensely and tried an on-off thing for a few years here and there but it never worked and with maturity we realised this spark we had was better suited to friendship, and we remained friends since. What this looked like was the occasional long email catch ups a couple times a year, a drink if we were in the same city etc. We both went on to date other people, sometimes would meet with them too etc. Now slight blip - I met with him while seeing my ex boyfriend and at the end of the meeting he tried to kiss me. Because of this I felt it best to stop seeing him as he didn't offer an explanation. Fast forward, breakup and I begin dating someone new who I really love. My current boyfriend.

 

Background on boyfriend and current situation: So my boyfriend and I were friends for many years before getting together, so he knows all about my ex and that its been platonic for a long time and also that I wasn't really speaking with him anymore. I then found out my ex had cancer. I felt terrible for having abandoned him but I had no idea. I reached out to him and we began talking again. He apologised for his behaviour before and just said he was having a hard time dealing. There was no romantic overtones at all and it has been a good support for me as well, as I was diagnosed with an illness last year that has seen me in hospital many times since.

 

Anyway, my ex text me saying he was thinking about me and hoped we could meet soon. I am open about contact and my phone in general so my boyfriend knew and got very quiet. Eventually he said he felt this was crossing a line and therefore didn't want us to speak. I have respected this but I feel a bit torn about it.

 

Firstly there is no chance of me ever cheating and I'm so sure the same goes for my ex who has way too much on his mind as a 30 year old battling cancer to be thinking of this, plus I really think the support we provide each other is valuable to us both. I've always been open and honest with my partner and he is fully invited along should I have met with my ex. My boyfriend has had bad experiences in the past with cheating which I am trying to be mindful of. His ex cheated on him a few times times, with his supposed friends, the last time in his own bed. So I get his worry. But I would never cheat.

 

My question to you all is is it unreasonable and insensitive for me to fight for this friendship? Is my boyfriend right to feel uncomfortable and am I just being blind? Is it time to let go of the friendship or am I just validating my boyfriend's insecurity by doing this? Please be as blunt as you like and thanks for reading. Lily

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If you value your boyfriend and he's upset when you communicate with the ex - then basic respect says you do t communicate with the ex.

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If you value your boyfriend and he's upset when you communicate with the ex - then basic respect says you do t communicate with the ex.

 

Ok but why though, it just seems extreme to me that I can't carry on a friendship with someone I've been friends with for like 10 years. I haven't given him any reason to suspect anything more than that. Also he is friends with a few of his exes, I have zero problems with this. It just seems a bit unreasonable to me. If I'm being blind then say so, but it just doesn't seem right to respect his feeling uncomfortable with it just like that without any give and take

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Now slight blip - I met with him while seeing my ex boyfriend and at the end of the meeting he tried to kiss me. Because of this I felt it best to stop seeing him as he didn't offer an explanation. Fast forward, breakup and I begin dating someone new who I really love. My current boyfriend.

 

How do you explain this little "blip"?

 

It's concerning to me that you think you can never cheat. Anyone can cheat, regardless of their moral high ground. We're all humans and none of us are immune to temptation or weakness. We minimize the probability of that happening by removing the chances of interacting with our temptations. The sooner you understand that, the stronger your relationship will be.

 

I find it reasonable if you offer something like, "X has cancer. What do you think about arranging a day when WE can go visit and give him support?" As an SO, I would never have a problem with this offer.

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whichwayisup

The situation is this: I am in contact with an ex, my current boyfriend doesn't like it, contact has terminated but I'm not sure I want it to.

 

You're crossing the line. It's good that you ended contact but if you want your ex in your life, even as a friend, then break up with your boyfriend. You can't have both -- I assume if the situation was reversed and you wanted your bf to end a friendship or any contact with his ex, it could be a deal breaker. I mean why is contact with your ex more important than your boyfriends feelings? Why put energy into an ex when you could put energy into your relationship with your boyfriend?

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Ok but why though, it just seems extreme to me that I can't carry on a friendship with someone I've been friends with for like 10 years. I haven't given him any reason to suspect anything more than that. Also he is friends with a few of his exes, I have zero problems with this. It just seems a bit unreasonable to me. If I'm being blind then say so, but it just doesn't seem right to respect his feeling uncomfortable with it just like that without any give and take

 

You already knew why when you asked.

 

If you intend to keep communicating with the ex - then tell your BF - that way he can make a decision about continuing to see you or not - based on the fact that you still wish to see your ex.

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How do you explain this little "blip"?

 

It's concerning to me that you think you can never cheat. Anyone can cheat, regardless of their moral high ground. We're all humans and none of us are immune to temptation or weakness. We minimize the probability of that happening by removing the chances of interacting with our temptations. The sooner you understand that, the stronger your relationship will be.

 

I find it reasonable if you offer something like, "X has cancer. What do you think about arranging a day when WE can go visit and give him support?" As an SO, I would never have a problem with this offer.

 

That's exactly what I said more or less word for word. As I said, all contact has been open and my bf invited. My ex asks about him and how he's doing when we would catch up.

 

I feel sad at the idea of not supporting each other. As we've both had life altering illnesses we're able to talk about it in a way that isn't always easy with people who've not been in the situation. I talk to my bf a lot too of course but it's good to have that outside support perspective that's not too close. My bf was all for this to start with. Just sort of flipped out of nowhere. I think it may have been triggered by us running into a guy who was his friend who his ex cheated with. As I said, we sometimes run into an ex of his in town who he is friendly with and I'm totally fine with this. I trust him. I know he's over his ex as again we were friends so long before getting together. However I don't think he's totally over her cheating.

 

The blip was about 2 years ago now. I ceased contact. It was discussed and resolved and nothing happened since.

 

I know full well that I will never cheat, having been cheated on and cheated in the past. I know the signs, I know the fog, I don't put myself into those situations. I don't drink or use drugs. My partner is my friend of many years, we want the same things and have the same values. You can doubt me but I know in my heart that I would never cheat on him, I have too much respect. I would end it before doing anything like that. But more likely I would work on our relationship and see it as a sign I need to do some work if I found myself thinking of someone else. Being attracted to other people is normal but acting on it is a different story. With all I've been through in my life, I know very well that I have more than enough self control never to disrespect my boyfriend and the bond we share together. I don't want to hurt him. But I also don't want to set a precedent if I end an innocent friendship. I get on really well with a guy at work, I don't want my bf to decide that's not cool either.

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somanymistakes

There's no absolute right or wrong here.

 

You have the right to have friends. Your boyfriend has the right to have boundaries.

 

It's not about what WE think is reasonable, it's about which of you is willing to bend, or if neither of you is.

 

You're not wrong. It is possible to have friends and not cheat.

He's not wrong. It is common for people who stay in touch to be, at the very least, emotionally entangled in a way that can present a threat.

 

And yes, if you give in and say you won't talk to this person anymore, you have to face the prospect that this MIGHT be a slippery slope, your bf MIGHT then try to cut you off from contact with even more people. But he might not. It might just be this one relationship is setting off big red flags for him.

 

Really, if either one of you gives in, you both need to set out some information about what you're worried about with the other and at what point you WILL draw the line in the future.

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You already knew why when you asked.

 

If you intend to keep communicating with the ex - then tell your BF - that way he can make a decision about continuing to see you or not - based on the fact that you still wish to see your ex.

 

He will 100% continue to see me, I just fear that he will still be not cool with it and feel unhappy but without telling me. He can be quite stoic with his emotions due to bad experiences. I would rather we were able to talk it out, but I don't know how to discuss it and whether it's inappropriate or not.

 

I will give up this friendship if I have to, but it feels like in doing so I'm agreeing the friendship is inappropriate which for me it's just really not. I was just flicking through some of our messages just now, most recent before last says

 

'Hey Lily just dropping by to say hope all goes well going back to work, remember don't push yourself and take all the time you need. I've been trying to get out a bit more, in fact there's a cider festival round our way next weekend, I know you said (bf) loves cider so was wondering if the two of you fancy coming down? Anyway hope you're both well, I saw (mutual friend) last week and he sends his love. Take care.'

 

To me this isn't a dangerous friendship. I have no attraction to him and haven't for many years

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Had you never been romantic, then maybe it would be acceptable.

 

He's an ex. You have a current bf. Would you want him hanging with an ex gf? Especially one that kissed him when they were supposed to be just friends. I'm sure you'll say you're ok with it, to further your point here. But you would hate it.

 

You are disrespecting your bf by even suggesting hanging out with your ex. And you know it or you wouldn't be here.

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There's no absolute right or wrong here.

 

You have the right to have friends. Your boyfriend has the right to have boundaries.

 

It's not about what WE think is reasonable, it's about which of you is willing to bend, or if neither of you is.

 

You're not wrong. It is possible to have friends and not cheat.

He's not wrong. It is common for people who stay in touch to be, at the very least, emotionally entangled in a way that can present a threat.

 

And yes, if you give in and say you won't talk to this person anymore, you have to face the prospect that this MIGHT be a slippery slope, your bf MIGHT then try to cut you off from contact with even more people. But he might not. It might just be this one relationship is setting off big red flags for him.

 

Really, if either one of you gives in, you both need to set out some information about what you're worried about with the other and at what point you WILL draw the line in the future.

 

Thanks. I would really appreciate any advice on how best to discuss it. It's hard because I feel like I'm already pretty open, I never really thought anything of it because he knew the history with my ex and that it was platonic for years when we were friends. I don't hide any communication, said id bring him to any meetups, I speak to this guy maybe once every few months and maybe meet up once or twice a year, so it's not like he's fighting for my attention. When I have tried to discuss why it's an issue for him he shuts down. When I explain my side he just says 'ok fine if you want to do it then do it.' Which doesn't get us anywhere because I really want to hear what his issue is, I would be ready and willing to hear it. I'm not fighting with him I just want to hear his reasoning. I tried mentioning that he's perhaps sensitive because of his ex but this makes the shutting down worse.

 

To give you more detail on my bf's previous relationship, well it was not a healthy one. My boyfriend got together with her at a young age, she already had kids and they were together 6 years. She became a heavy alcohol user and would be regularly abusive to him, pretty much every night out would end with her hitting him round the head with her handbag or worse. He didn't want to leave because of the kids, and like me has stayed in bad relationships and fought when we should've left. She would confess to cheating in arguments to gloat. Then when he would say he's leaving she'd leave first and text him saying she was going to kill herself, she never made any attempt but of course it was then all about her. With me, he says he is overwhelmed by the way I treat him. For example on his birthday I did perfectly normal things like put up banners and balloons and leave all his presents displayed for him in the morning (he got up at 4am for work) and among his presents took him away for the weekend. He was just choked because he said he's never had so much attention or had his birthday about him before.

 

I myself was in a ****ty relationship before him. So I really understand his insecurities and triggers and I don't want to cause him any stress and pain. But I do wish we could talk it out. I don't want to give up all my friendships with people and I worry if I give up this one which is innocent then he may well start to feel insecure about other friendships.

 

I really do love and respect my boyfriend so much. He is a wonderful man.

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Had you never been romantic, then maybe it would be acceptable.

 

He's an ex. You have a current bf. Would you want him hanging with an ex gf? Especially one that kissed him when they were supposed to be just friends. I'm sure you'll say you're ok with it, to further your point here. But you would hate it.

 

You are disrespecting your bf by even suggesting hanging out with your ex. And you know it or you wouldn't be here.

 

If you read my post fully, you would see that he is in fact friends with a couple of exes. This does no bother me at all, I trust him.

 

I don't believe I have disrespected him in any way thus far. He himself has been totally fine with it up until this point.

 

I posted under infidelity as clearly my boyfriend is concerned about it, I personally don't feel this concern is founded.

 

So you're saying I should end the friendship without further discussion with my bf?

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What do you want?

 

If you want to have the friend, then have the "friendship" with the friend.

 

But there are consequences. Your current boyfriend's trust in you will decrease and you will build a wall between you and your boyfriend.

 

The wall will result in distance and your boyfriend's feelings for you will decrease. His thought about you as someone special will decrease.

 

So before you go down the slippery slope, if you want to be friends with your ex then be friends with your ex. But first break up with your current boyfriend before he tries to kiss you again. He is not hanging on to the friendship for friendship sake. He wants more.

 

But be an adult about it and make your choices. You get to make your choices and not your consequences. So go ahead and be friends with your ex. But break up with your current boyfriend. He has had enough pain in his life from cheating.

 

You would not want him to go meet up with his ex that kissed him out of the blue. but if you want the relationship with current boyfriend, put him before the ex and the guy at work.

 

You should read Not just friends. If you want to stay with your current boyfriend, then you protect him and the relationship. So until you tell him you are finished, protect the relationship.

 

But if you need all of these other guy friends, then do the adult thing and stop seeing your current boyfriend.

 

People need to put there current relationship under the first line of protection.

 

If you do not want the relationship, then break up and go with the guy at work and the ex. See as many as you want. But do not cheat,

 

Get out of the relationship first. Easy decision. What consequence do you want?

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Mrs. John Adams

in a committed relationship...both partners need to make sure that the other partner feels safe.

 

Anything you do thats cause your boyfriend to feel unsafe or threatened...is not acceptable to HIM... and the same goes for you.

 

and the bottom line is really this...if your partner draws a line or a boundary or expresses an opinion that something goes against their principles or causes them to "worry" about your realationship....out of respect for your partner...you should never cross that line. It really doesn't matter how YOU feel or what YOU think.

 

So...you feel comfortable with having a realtionship with your ex...but your partner is not comfortable with you having a relationship with your ex. If...you are in a committed relationship with your partner and want to continue that relationship...you should respect his wishes. It is truly that simple. It is a mater of respect.

 

If you go against his wishes...it makes a statement...and that statement is I dont care what you think or feel...I am going to do what i want....which is disrespectful and selfish.

 

now...if you truly disagree with your partner...then you need to examine if you are truly committed to him and if you want to continue the relationship.

 

If...you think you are right...if you beleive you should be able to have a relationship with your ex...then you are free to do so...but it would only be fair to sever the realtionship wiht your currant partner.

 

While you may not beleive having a friendship with your ex is cheating...your partner may beleive it is.

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in a committed relationship...both partners need to make sure that the other partner feels safe.

 

Anything you do thats cause your boyfriend to feel unsafe or threatened...is not acceptable to HIM... and the same goes for you.

 

and the bottom line is really this...if your partner draws a line or a boundary or expresses an opinion that something goes against their principles or causes them to "worry" about your realationship....out of respect for your partner...you should never cross that line. It really doesn't matter how YOU feel or what YOU think.

 

So...you feel comfortable with having a realtionship with your ex...but your partner is not comfortable with you having a relationship with your ex. If...you are in a committed relationship with your partner and want to continue that relationship...you should respect his wishes. It is truly that simple. It is a mater of respect.

 

If you go against his wishes...it makes a statement...and that statement is I dont care what you think or feel...I am going to do what i want....which is disrespectful and selfish.

 

now...if you truly disagree with your partner...then you need to examine if you are truly committed to him and if you want to continue the relationship.

 

If...you think you are right...if you beleive you should be able to have a relationship with your ex...then you are free to do so...but it would only be fair to sever the realtionship wiht your currant partner.

 

While you may not beleive having a friendship with your ex is cheating...your partner may beleive it is.

 

You see I get that and understand that, but I'm struggling because I can't get my boyfriend to actually discuss his worries, his boundaries, how he is feeling about it. So it seems almost unfair to just accept a ban on this friendship when I am fine with his friendships and he hasn't given an actual reason or discussion about it. Is that still ok though, if he feels uncomfortable I should just give it up? Is that an advisable resolution? I don't want to feed into his insecurity about it either, in ending the friendship it feels like I'm agreeing it's wrong but I don't even know exactly why he thinks it's wrong suddenly. It also doesn't feel right to leave my partner over it, he certainly wouldn't want that. I'd just like to be able to understand his pov. Maybe I should give up the friendship without his pov and try to discussing it after a few months or the friendship being done?

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You may have said already, but how old are you. Based on the petulance I read, I'd guess around 17.

 

Look, you had sex with this ex. He was a big part of your life. You shared life-changing stuff. Of COURSE it's going to make your BF uncomfortable.

 

So back off or ditch the old flame. It's called empathy.

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What do you want?

 

If you want to have the friend, then have the "friendship" with the friend.

 

But there are consequences. Your current boyfriend's trust in you will decrease and you will build a wall between you and your boyfriend.

 

The wall will result in distance and your boyfriend's feelings for you will decrease. His thought about you as someone special will decrease.

 

So before you go down the slippery slope, if you want to be friends with your ex then be friends with your ex. But first break up with your current boyfriend before he tries to kiss you again. He is not hanging on to the friendship for friendship sake. He wants more.

 

But be an adult about it and make your choices. You get to make your choices and not your consequences. So go ahead and be friends with your ex. But break up with your current boyfriend. He has had enough pain in his life from cheating.

 

You would not want him to go meet up with his ex that kissed him out of the blue. but if you want the relationship with current boyfriend, put him before the ex and the guy at work.

 

You should read Not just friends. If you want to stay with your current boyfriend, then you protect him and the relationship. So until you tell him you are finished, protect the relationship.

 

But if you need all of these other guy friends, then do the adult thing and stop seeing your current boyfriend.

 

People need to put there current relationship under the first line of protection.

 

If you do not want the relationship, then break up and go with the guy at work and the ex. See as many as you want. But do not cheat,

 

Get out of the relationship first. Easy decision. What consequence do you want?

 

What I want is some opinions as to whether it's ok to just cut off an innocent friendship without having really communicated about it or if I have grounds to explain myself here. It's not like he's said to me the reasons why and I've come back saying I don't agree. I haven't made any contact since. Bear in mind again contact is occasional, open, involves my bf, and purely platonic. So it's hard to just be like oh ok I'll end my friendship of many years because you say so but won't explain the issue. I feel like this damages my partner also.

 

People keep saying I wouldn't want him meeting exes he got with, he got with one on a night out a couple of weeks before we got together, their friendship really doesn't bother me. If it did I would discuss it with him about how it made me feel before laying out a blanket ban.

 

Of course he's my priority and I want to protect the relationship but where do you draw the line? I don't think it's fair to say I have to choose between a relationship and having friendships. He has plenty with many girls. He's a popular chap.

 

I get you saying my ex is hanging on for more, I can see why you'd think that, but he's really not. He has his own partner, who I also speak with sometimes, I have mine. i have met with him since, with her, my partner was invited and didn't come. We've known each other so long, there's no attraction there anymore. I know this guy well, I know you're all going to say he wants more but I'm pretty sure I know him and his intentions. He is a good person and we have shared experiences around death, family substance use and serious illness. It's a strong friendship but certainly not one that takes up a lot of my mind and time but is important nonetheless. I can't imagine telling my bf he had to stop seeing one of his female friends whom he is very close with. I wouldn't want to deprive him of that friendship. It doesn't bother me because I trust him. But again I would talk about any insecurity if i had them.

 

It seems like folk think I should just end the friendship which I will do I just think it's a shame and worry this is going to cause more problems down the line.

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Mrs. John Adams
You see I get that and understand that, but I'm struggling because I can't get my boyfriend to actually discuss his worries, his boundaries, how he is feeling about it. So it seems almost unfair to just accept a ban on this friendship when I am fine with his friendships and he hasn't given an actual reason or discussion about it. Is that still ok though, if he feels uncomfortable I should just give it up? Is that an advisable resolution? I don't want to feed into his insecurity about it either, in ending the friendship it feels like I'm agreeing it's wrong but I don't even know exactly why he thinks it's wrong suddenly. It also doesn't feel right to leave my partner over it, he certainly wouldn't want that. I'd just like to be able to understand his pov. Maybe I should give up the friendship without his pov and try to discussing it after a few months or the friendship being done?

 

Clearly you are more comfortable in the relationship then....and you feel more secure....and you are less jealous. You see?

 

Just because YOU feel safe with HIM having ex girlfriends for friends...it doesn't mean that HE feels safe with your friendship with exes.

 

I do undertand what you are saying...really i do... but he cannot help it if he is fearful of your relationship with your ex.

 

It is not about being "fair". You can absolutley tell him...I am uncomfortable with your friendships....however...you have already told him you feel safe. He is telling you...I do not feel safe...and he cannot help how he feels. He has expressed to you that he doesn't feel safe.

 

As for having a discussion about it....I think you should discuss it.... but this may be hard for him to vocalize. It is a FEAR...how do you explain i am afraid? He is already telling you he is afraid....i am sure part of that fear is...he knows you have a happy history with the ex. He feels threatened by that. He may not be able to express why...all he can do is tell you what he is feeling.

 

So...you have to choose what is mpre important to you. Is it more important for you to have a friendship with your ex? Or is it more important for you to have a relationship with your boyfriend?

 

It may truly be this simple...pick one.

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You may have said already, but how old are you. Based on the petulance I read, I'd guess around 17.

 

Look, you had sex with this ex. He was a big part of your life. You shared life-changing stuff. Of COURSE it's going to make your BF uncomfortable.

 

So back off or ditch the old flame. It's called empathy.

 

 

Rudeness is extremely unnecessary. I am 29. I don't think I have been anything other than open and reasonable, thanks for calling me petulant when I'm seeking advice.

 

'It's called empathy' - indeed, which is why I have not made further contact but are you really suggesting I have no empathy for feeling sadness at the end of a decade log friendship that is totally innocent, that my boyfriend hasn't explained his reasons for wanting to end whilst he has many friendships with women including exes? And yes exes he's had sex with, we're all adults and have moved on, we're happy together so I have no issue with this.

 

I am trying to be considerate here, please do point out how I have been at all petulant about it. I haven't had any argument with my partner about it at all. I've pushed for communication which I am struggling with, but I don't blame him for because I know it is difficult for him. At the same time ending something innocent without reasons why seems like I'm not helping him, only justifying insecurities that I don't even really know the root of so therefore at the moment can't reassure him about.

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Clearly you are more comfortable in the relationship then....and you feel more secure....and you are less jealous. You see?

 

Just because YOU feel safe with HIM having ex girlfriends for friends...it doesn't mean that HE feels safe with your friendship with exes.

 

I do undertand what you are saying...really i do... but he cannot help it if he is fearful of your relationship with your ex.

 

It is not about being "fair". You can absolutley tell him...I am uncomfortable with your friendships....however...you have already told him you feel safe. He is telling you...I do not feel safe...and he cannot help how he feels. He has expressed to you that he doesn't feel safe.

 

As for having a discussion about it....I think you should discuss it.... but this may be hard for him to vocalize. It is a FEAR...how do you explain i am afraid? He is already telling you he is afraid....i am sure part of that fear is...he knows you have a happy history with the ex. He feels threatened by that. He may not be able to express why...all he can do is tell you what he is feeling.

 

So...you have to choose what is mpre important to you. Is it more important for you to have a friendship with your ex? Or is it more important for you to have a relationship with your boyfriend?

 

It may truly be this simple...pick one.

 

The thing is he is NOT telling me that. He's not telling me anything. That's why it's so hard to get on board or know whether the decision is healthy without any discussion. I actually don't have a happy history with the ex, not romantically anyway, it never worked like that. He knew that a long time before we ever started dating.

 

As I said I'm going to end the friendship however I still feel like this isn't the healthiest way to go about it. I wish I could discuss it with my boyfriend. But I don't want him to feel super uncomfortable either. It seems when I try to talk to him about it he just takes it as me telling him why I want the friendship to continue which is not the case. I've said I will happily end the friendship I just want to know how he's feeling about it and if I've done anything to worry or upset him and he just says 'if you want to do it just do it.' Which I'm not going to do, obviously.

 

My boyfriend is very loving and generally we communicate very well I feel, but stuff like this he shuts down. I'm trying to support him the best way possible, but I don't want this to lead to me never having any friendships - I'm bisexual so he could easily want to shut down female friendships too. Where do I draw the line. Again I would be fine with it if I could just have that conversation with him. But, I don't want him to stress and worry so I will end the friendship and talk to him about it in the future. Hopefully if he sees the friendship is over it might make him feel better about opening up.

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He will 100% continue to see me, I just fear that he will still be not cool with it and feel unhappy but without telling me. He can be quite stoic with his emotions due to bad experiences. I would rather we were able to talk it out, but I don't know how to discuss it and whether it's inappropriate or not.

 

I will give up this friendship if I have to, but it feels like in doing so I'm agreeing the friendship is inappropriate which for me it's just really not. I was just flicking through some of our messages just now, most recent before last says

 

'Hey Lily just dropping by to say hope all goes well going back to work, remember don't push yourself and take all the time you need. I've been trying to get out a bit more, in fact there's a cider festival round our way next weekend, I know you said (bf) loves cider so was wondering if the two of you fancy coming down? Anyway hope you're both well, I saw (mutual friend) last week and he sends his love. Take care.'

 

To me this isn't a dangerous friendship. I have no attraction to him and haven't for many years

 

Ask your current BF if he wants to attend the cider fest with you and the ex.

 

If you see him in front of the BF then that should be a good time.

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Mrs. John Adams
The thing is he is NOT telling me that. He's not telling me anything. That's why it's so hard to get on board or know whether the decision is healthy without any discussion. I actually don't have a happy history with the ex, not romantically anyway, it never worked like that. He knew that a long time before we ever started dating.

 

As I said I'm going to end the friendship however I still feel like this isn't the healthiest way to go about it. I wish I could discuss it with my boyfriend. But I don't want him to feel super uncomfortable either. It seems when I try to talk to him about it he just takes it as me telling him why I want the friendship to continue which is not the case. I've said I will happily end the friendship I just want to know how he's feeling about it and if I've done anything to worry or upset him and he just says 'if you want to do it just do it.' Which I'm not going to do, obviously.

 

My boyfriend is very loving and generally we communicate very well I feel, but stuff like this he shuts down. I'm trying to support him the best way possible, but I don't want this to lead to me never having any friendships - I'm bisexual so he could easily want to shut down female friendships too. Where do I draw the line. Again I would be fine with it if I could just have that conversation with him. But, I don't want him to stress and worry so I will end the friendship and talk to him about it in the future. Hopefully if he sees the friendship is over it might make him feel better about opening up.

 

Your partner has NOT told you he does not want you to be friends with your ex? I am confused. If he has NOT told you he is uncomfortable...then why is it an issue? Can you clarify this for me please.

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Ask your current BF if he wants to attend the cider fest with you and the ex.

 

If you see him in front of the BF then that should be a good time.

 

I did, it was some months ago. He didn't want to go and said to go without him (he never had any problem before which is why this is strange) but I didn't go as I wanted to spend the weekend with my bf as he was going to be working away a few days. It's a real shame, I actually think the two would get on well.

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Your partner has NOT told you he does not want you to be friends with your ex? I am confused. If he has NOT told you he is uncomfortable...then why is it an issue? Can you clarify this for me please.

 

Yea of course, sorry. All contact has been open, I never thought anything of it really as we've been friends so long and my bf has never had an issue with it previously. My ex text me saying he was thinking of me that day (I went in for a scan to determine whether I am eligible for brain surgery) and hopes to see me soon. My bf went quiet and eventually when I kept asking what was up he said it was crossing a line and we shouldn't speak. So naturally I asked why now, and had I done something to upset him, what was he worried about etc all whilst making it clear I would end the friendship if it makes him uncomfortable, but he's never said why or explained any of the sudden change of heart at all. Th only possible thing I can think of is what I mentioned earlier, that we ran into an old friend of his who slept with his ex girlfriend, perhaps this was a trigger for him and I'm trying to be mindful of it but at the same time it's difficult to move forward without that communication.

Edited by LilyViolet
Put 'bed' instead of 'bf'
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If you read my post fully, you would see that he is in fact friends with a couple of exes. This does no bother me at all, I trust him.

 

I don't believe I have disrespected him in any way thus far. He himself has been totally fine with it up until this point.

 

I posted under infidelity as clearly my boyfriend is concerned about it, I personally don't feel this concern is founded.

 

So you're saying I should end the friendship without further discussion with my bf?

 

 

And his ex-gfs tried to kiss him after they were no longer together?

 

Your ex still has feelings for you. That text you quoted if his, that's clearly from a guy that's been friendzoned that I is keeping contract in the hopes that you'll see that he's such a nice guy that he is the one you should be with.

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