Midlife Crisis or not

[NoSleepForMe]

Hello Everybody,

 

I will admit that I am one of those middle aged men who usually bottles things up and is very uncomfortable airing any dirty laundry regarding myself (age 47), my wife of almost 20 years (age 50) or my children (teenagers) to others, especially strangers! However, I've been lurking here for a little while and thought that I'd ask you nice people here at LS for some advice and straight talk!

 

I promise to keep it short and to the point.

 

I'm taking a deep breath right now. I'm from the Deep South where being conservative is expected and where the man of the house is supposed to be the breadwinner and to not show any weakness and handles family business firmly behind closed doors.

 

The 1st 7 years of our marriage was awesome. I love working and mentoring with youth and my teaching career during this time was amazing! The students, the parents, the community really loved and respected me. Lots of talk about me being a future Superintendent of Schools, etc. My wife is an engineer and she was offered job in another state with a 6 figure salary with great benefits and a great future. It was tough for me to leave this community but I love my wife very much and wanted to do anything to help advance her career so I agreed to the move. Initially, the move was smooth and seamless.

 

About a year into our new home, my wife asked me to schedule a sleep study because I was snoring extremely excessively and my energy level began plummeting. Few weeks later, I go to the overnight MSLT sleep study and was sent home early because I definitely had Obstructive Sleep Apnea, here's the mask and get ready for your energy levels to come roaring back! Hearing this news, my wife was very relieved and excited that I would of be better than new! The sleep machine came and even after 4-5 weeks of using it, my energy levels got significantly worse! Weird! Wife becomes very frustrated and irritated. I'm obviously disappointed but made another sleep study appointment a couple of weeks later. The results came in.

 

I was diagnosed with narcolepsy with Obstructive Sleep Apnea. At first, I was relieved to have a title to explain those awful symptoms that I've been experiencing for most of my life. I knew I wasn't lazy, crazy, faking or "milking" my sleepiness. My wife felt and still feels differently about it. She grew more frustrated and impatient even after I had the official diagnosis of narcolepsy on paper with upcoming appointments with a neurologist sleep doctor. My wife refused to go to any appointments with me and would only offer a "it's not that bad....be a man and pull yourself up my the boot straps and get it together.

 

Unfortunately, narcolepsy had other plans. In fact, I've lost my teaching career and I lost the emotional support from my wife which pretty much continues to this day. Over the next several years, I was left to figure and "fix" this problem out on my own. My symptoms continued to get worse and my wife began to withdraw affection, very cold, mean, no sex for weeks then she would give in and have starfish sex, lost a lot of weight and gradually convinced me that I was crazy and all of her negative behaviors were justified because of my lack of effort. To make things worse, most of my wife's side of the family began making "when are you finally going to engage in life and get a full time job. Loads of condescending pressure from my wife and family members. I'm now labeled the underachieving uncle, son in law.....

 

This part is hard to even type as I read what I'm typing but about 5 years ago, my wife and I had an argument about my lack of career and gumption that she surprised me and kneed me twice to the groin and punched me twice in the ribs with a closed fist. I mean, I can take a punch and didn't get hurt really. It happened a second time a few months later. I clammed up (Deep South) and keep it inside and suppressed it for years until recently it's been coming to the surface, bothering me seemingly out of nowhere. To top things off, I'm beginning to think about whether or not my wife has been or is remaining faithful to our marriage because some things with coworkers and her behavior don't add up, so to speak.....or is this a midlife crisis beginning for me?

 

Ugh. I sound like I'm whining (so, I'll stop for now) which wasn't my intent at all! Here is a link Millions view video of woman with narcolepsy - TODAY.com to a segment on narcolepsy that the Today show did that does a good job of showing what it's all about in 3 mins or so.

 

Thanks for listening as I really appreciate any feedback, advice or questions as In struggling with some new anger and frustrations that may be unfounded. Have a good one!

[NotCamelot]

Man, her physical abuse toward you must stop. Deep South - I get that - me too, but there is NO excuse for that at all.

 

Regardless of the medical issues, a loving spouse should be supportive through all of that. Obviously, that is not what she is exhibiting here.

 

You need counseling to learn how to deal with all your medical issues and with her. She also needs counseling for lots of reasons.

 

Whether she is seeing someone else-----maybe, but you will need to be very quiet about your dectective work until you know for certain. If you think this is what is going on, do not let on. If you do, she will cover it even more and make it harder to discover.

 

In the meantime, take care of YOU. Get some help quickly. The sleep apnea and narcolepsy can be fatal. Do not ignore your body screaming for help.

[GoldenR]

Being that you posted those in the "Infidelity" sub-forum, it would be logical to assume you're most concerned about her cheating on you, yet you've given us next to nothing regarding her possible unfaithfulness.

 

Please elaborate on that aspect so we can chime in and give you our thoughts.

[QuietDan]

You are in a forum about infidelity. At the end of a fairly long post about everything else, you briefly mention a vague concern about the possibility that your wife might have have had or currently is having an affair. You also briefly mention some suspicious behavior/activities.

This is a good place to explore the concerns about a cheating wife. It would be helpful to have alot more of the details about why you are concerned. Usually, if the spouse gets a sense that something is off, that there might be an affair? Usually, something is off, and when you start to carefully list out what you know, there is a lot of information that usually indicates a cheating spouse. Usually what you know is the tip of an iceberg.

Suddenly losing weight, dressing better, changes in attitude and levels of intimacy. Significant sudden increase or decrease with sex drive. Becoming distant, detatched, mentally preoccupied.

In this day and age, excessive phone texting, guarding the phone. Lots if sexting and naughty pictures get sent on phones these days....

Usuually where there is smoke, there is a fire.

Tell the group about the rest of the smoke you are seeing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Anyone in an abusive relationship...should remove themselves from that relationship....male or female.

 

If you wife is mentally and physically abusing you....get out.

 

I am really sorry you are in this position....and i know removing yourself wont be easy....but in the long run I think you will feel better.

[Just a Guy]

Hi No sleep, I would have thought that an operation would have solved your problems. However, the apparatus to help you breathe easily is also quite effective. I do not know anything about narcolepsy and I will view the video you have provided a link to, to be able to understand what it implies for you.

 

That said I have to ask you whether you think you and your wife are compatible? To my mind, careers as diverse as teaching and engineering are something like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. That besides, in a marriage people do vow to love each other through better or worse. I think, once your wife convinced herself that you were not going to recover from your disability she started losing respect for you and that led to a falling out of love with you. This situation has been compounded by the fact that you have been rendered incapable of working because of your disability. You are talking about a mid life crisis I think in reference to your wife. My own thought on this is that it is not a mid life crisis but a gradual dying out of whatever love on the part of your wife that there may have been for you. A mid life crisis would manifest suddenly and without warning. Not so in your case. The abuse on the part of your wife indicates that she resents you and thinks of you as a parasite dependent on her for survival and dragging her down with you. Your suspecting an affair on her part could very well be true since she does'nt respect you as a husband or a man.

 

It is no doubt a terrible situation to be in and I can understand how powerless you feel. However, if you wish to retain your sanity you should immediately move back to your original place of residence and explore opportunities for employment there. More importantly, you should immediately file for divorce as your current marriage is dead as a dodo and only a miracle can revive it. Since your wife is earning handsomely, you will be entitled to spousal support till you can re establish your self. Your children are teenagers and will soon be out of the house in any case. You do not need them to see the continual disrespect their mother shows you as soon they too, will look on you with disdain. Do not make excuses of being gentlemanly and conservative because you are from the deep South. As the words of the Kenny Rodgers song go "Sometimes you have to fight to be a man"! Warm wishes.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Davey L]

If it was your wife on here saying that you had punched her then everybody would be screaming at her to get out of the relationship immediately. It's unacceptable behaviour either way round. For a gentleman of your (and my) generation physical abuse can be difficult to address - we feel unable to use any physical force in self defence but yet find it shaming to admit that we, as big strong men, are getting physically beaten by a poor weak female.

 

I'd suggest getting out immediately before the violence escalates, or next it will be a bottle or glass smashed in your face leaving you scarred and possibly blinded. As an old school gentleman you have no means of defending yourself against this.

[BreakOnThrough]

She's already broken her vow to support you through sickness and health. If she takes that vow lightly, doubt she takes the others more seriously. Think about it.

Edited June 13, 2017 by BreakOnThrough

[NoSleepForMe]

Thanks for all of your responses. I'm super new to posting on forums. I apooogize for rambling and not describing my infidelity suspicions a little bit better. One incident that has me wondering if my wife is cheating on me has to do with a male coworker (she's technically his boss) who has recently been through a divorce during this past Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons. Apparently, this guy failed a drug test and was fired immediately. I maybe heard his name over a 9 year stretch maybe 3 times. So, from the time he was fired, my wife started to gradually bring up his name more and more over the next few months and she would describe how hard his life had become due to his divorce and loss of his recent job. I was really cool with her venting about him to me at first but within a short amount of time, anytime his name came up she would be visibly upset and starting blaming herself for his newfound depression. My wife put the stricter drug policy in place but he knew about the stricter drug test and claimed he was using marijuana to help cope with the divorce. Still, his fault fo failing the drug test.

 

Over the next 5-6 weeks and after hearing his sob firing story from my wife about 45 more times, she announced one evening to me that this guys father passed away unexpectedly and she was going to drive an hour away to go to the viewing the next morning. This is the moment I felt my gut sink to my feet and my spidey senses went off but I calmly said "That's weird...". Well, you would've thought I said the most insulting thing to her because she verbally starting yelling and getting unusually upset at me. Because of her overreaction, I calmly stated that I thought she was a little too emotionally involved in this situation being that he is a former employee and that she should send a card but not drive an hour away to see a former employees viewing for his deceased father. She became furious and called me controlling and muttered something like how I can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with. Unfortunately, I felt a lot more compassion for this guys' well being from my wife that for my own well being. She remained pissed about it for several weeks until one day I realized she completely stopped talking about this guy and I found out he was hired back recently but with a new job in title only-now she seems happy/never mentioning it anymore.

 

I've brought it up recently, like how is he doing now in his job, etc.? She gives short, one word answers and changes the subject. Ok, cool but I recently tagged along with my wife to a work conference (1st time ever) and I overheard two other male employees asking my wife if the reason that "Randy" (the rehired guy) got a bigger $ budget for his department because of the fact that "Randy" really, really likes you! I heard her say "that may be true but that's not why he got the bigger budget. 30 mins later, the same two male coworkers managed to work how much "Randy" really, really likes my wife into a separate conversation.

 

When I inquired to my wife a while back about her being too emotionally involved with "Randy's" sad life she said that nothing at all was going on, they're just friends and yuck, he's 10 years older than I am. I told her that middle aged men don't pull you in emotionally unless they think they have the green light to persue and date you. I was called crazy, she was very defensive and called me too sensitive. She assured me that he had no romantic feelings, etc. So, to hear that it is obvious that he has some interest in my wife by really, really liking her is making me feel that there is something secret to this relationship with "Randy."

 

I will say that if I would've felt 10% of the compassion for Randy's problem from my wife, I wouldn't be posting here.

 

Am I overthinking or overreacting here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Everybody,

 

I will admit that I am one of those middle aged men who usually bottles things up and is very uncomfortable airing any dirty laundry regarding myself (age 47), my wife of almost 20 years (age 50) or my children (teenagers) to others, especially strangers! However, I've been lurking here for a little while and thought that I'd ask you nice people here at LS for some advice and straight talk!

 

I promise to keep it short and to the point.

 

I'm taking a deep breath right now. I'm from the Deep South where being conservative is expected and where the man of the house is supposed to be the breadwinner and to not show any weakness and handles family business firmly behind closed doors.

 

The 1st 7 years of our marriage was awesome. I love working and mentoring with youth and my teaching career during this time was amazing! The students, the parents, the community really loved and respected me. Lots of talk about me being a future Superintendent of Schools, etc. My wife is an engineer and she was offered job in another state with a 6 figure salary with great benefits and a great future. It was tough for me to leave this community but I love my wife very much and wanted to do anything to help advance her career so I agreed to the move. Initially, the move was smooth and seamless.

 

About a year into our new home, my wife asked me to schedule a sleep study because I was snoring extremely excessively and my energy level began plummeting. Few weeks later, I go to the overnight MSLT sleep study and was sent home early because I definitely had Obstructive Sleep Apnea, here's the mask and get ready for your energy levels to come roaring back! Hearing this news, my wife was very relieved and excited that I would of be better than new! The sleep machine came and even after 4-5 weeks of using it, my energy levels got significantly worse! Weird! Wife becomes very frustrated and irritated. I'm obviously disappointed but made another sleep study appointment a couple of weeks later. The results came in.

 

I was diagnosed with narcolepsy with Obstructive Sleep Apnea. At first, I was relieved to have a title to explain those awful symptoms that I've been experiencing for most of my life. I knew I wasn't lazy, crazy, faking or "milking" my sleepiness. My wife felt and still feels differently about it. She grew more frustrated and impatient even after I had the official diagnosis of narcolepsy on paper with upcoming appointments with a neurologist sleep doctor. My wife refused to go to any appointments with me and would only offer a "it's not that bad....be a man and pull yourself up my the boot straps and get it together.

 

Unfortunately, narcolepsy had other plans. In fact, I've lost my teaching career and I lost the emotional support from my wife which pretty much continues to this day. Over the next several years, I was left to figure and "fix" this problem out on my own. My symptoms continued to get worse and my wife began to withdraw affection, very cold, mean, no sex for weeks then she would give in and have starfish sex, lost a lot of weight and gradually convinced me that I was crazy and all of her negative behaviors were justified because of my lack of effort. To make things worse, most of my wife's side of the family began making "when are you finally going to engage in life and get a full time job. Loads of condescending pressure from my wife and family members. I'm now labeled the underachieving uncle, son in law.....

 

This part is hard to even type as I read what I'm typing but about 5 years ago, my wife and I had an argument about my lack of career and gumption that she surprised me and kneed me twice to the groin and punched me twice in the ribs with a closed fist. I mean, I can take a punch and didn't get hurt really. It happened a second time a few months later. I clammed up (Deep South) and keep it inside and suppressed it for years until recently it's been coming to the surface, bothering me seemingly out of nowhere. To top things off, I'm beginning to think about whether or not my wife has been or is remaining faithful to our marriage because some things with coworkers and her behavior don't add up, so to speak.....or is this a midlife crisis beginning for me?

[GoldenR]

I'll be the first to say it....her defensiveness? That's pretty much all I needed to be able to say that yes, she's cheating on you with him. Buy a VAR, put it in her car.

[QuietDan]

Sounds like she spent a lot of time communicating with him. I would suggest that you should try to get your hands on her phone and see what she is texting to him. See if you can find out if she is emailing him alot.... Basically, with some detective work, your suspicion s may be alleviated, or confirmed. My sense is, you have good reason to be concerned. Prepare yourself fo the probability she is involved with him in an emotional affair. Very likely a physical affair as well.

[QuietDan]

VAR , Voice activated recorder. Usually hid under car seat to pick up and record alone time vehicle opportunities for affair conversation phone calls or secret affair vehicle encounters with the other man.

[Sparta]

OP What are you looking to accomplish here.? Do you want our opinion that she's cheating on you. I think you already know the answer to that. Your gut feeling is telling you it's usually always right. Most likely you probably won't do what you need to do.! That is file for divorce right now. OK so I know you won't do that. Continue to live in an open marriage that you're not participating in and having to deal with a very abusive wife. If you file for divorce you might even take her to the cleaners because she's making the most income. But we know you will Come up with 20 different excuses why you can't do that OK so good luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi No sleep, if you think your wife's cheating is your biggest problem then I think you have a very convoluted way of thinking. Your wife does not respect you, does not love you and as I said before your marriage is as dead as a DODO. Now you can go on beating about the bush and trying to analyse her behaviour and whether she is in an EA or a PA from here to kingdom come, but that will not address your essential problem. Your second post has crystallized the fact that your wife does not respect you or love you and has'nt for a long time. You can choose to bury your head in the sand and continue as if everything is on the level except for the possibility of her cheating. Alternatively, you can man up and read the situation for what it is, separate from her and file for divorce immediately.

 

I am sorry to say this but your posts reek of a weak man who feels completely powerless about his situation. No doubt that adds to your wife's reasons for despising you. If you let things drift a time may come when she will put you out of your misery and divorce you herself. She may be withholding doing that because as the principal income earner she knows she will have to shell out a lot as spousal support and she may not quite be ready for that. However her AP is back in his job with a fatter salary and once he stabilizes she may just pull the plug on you and you will be caught unawares. Please do not cover up your weakness under the guise of being gentlemanly and so on and so forth. Even a cat exposes it's claws when faced with a threatening situation, soft coated though it is. Get your act together, become the man you once were and reclaim your 'Manhood' from her. As it is right now it seems she wears the pants in the family so get your pants back. Warm wishes.

[NoSleepForMe]

Hi No sleep, if you think your wife's cheating is your biggest problem then I think you have a very convoluted way of thinking. Your wife does not respect you, does not love you and as I said before your marriage is as dead as a DODO. Now you can go on beating about the bush and trying to analyse her behaviour and whether she is in an EA or a PA from here to kingdom come, but that will not address your essential problem. Your second post has crystallized the fact that your wife does not respect you or love you and has'nt for a long time. You can choose to bury your head in the sand and continue as if everything is on the level except for the possibility of her cheating. Alternatively, you can man up and read the situation for what it is, separate from her and file for divorce immediately.

 

I am sorry to say this but your posts reek of a weak man who feels completely powerless about his situation. No doubt that adds to your wife's reasons for despising you. If you let things drift a time may come when she will put you out of your misery and divorce you herself. She may be withholding doing that because as the principal income earner she knows she will have to shell out a lot as spousal support and she may not quite be ready for that. However her AP is back in his job with a fatter salary and once he stabilizes she may just pull the plug on you and you will be caught unawares. Please do not cover up your weakness under the guise of being gentlemanly and so on and so forth. Even a cat exposes it's claws when faced with a threatening situation, soft coated though it is. Get your act together, become the man you once were and reclaim your 'Manhood' from her. As it is right now it seems she wears the pants in the family so get your pants back. Warm wishes.

 

I asked for and appreciate your straight talk. I've really needed an unbiased and clear viewpoint of my situation. According to my neurologist, having narcolepsy by itself is the equivalent of staying up for 41 hours straight BEFORE you even start each and every day so, yes, I have lost the pants in the family over time. Damn it.

[NoSleepForMe]

She's already broken her vow to support you through sickness and health. If she takes that vow lightly, doubt she takes the others more seriously. Think about it.

 

That makes sense. Hmmm. I'm starting to get pissed now. Damn it.

[NoSleepForMe]

Sounds like she spent a lot of time communicating with him. I would suggest that you should try to get your hands on her phone and see what she is texting to him. See if you can find out if she is emailing him alot.... Basically, with some detective work, your suspicion s may be alleviated, or confirmed. My sense is, you have good reason to be concerned. Prepare yourself fo the probability she is involved with him in an emotional affair. Very likely a physical affair as well.

 

Thanks, I'm preparing myself now.

[NoSleepForMe]

Sounds like she spent a lot of time communicating with him. I would suggest that you should try to get your hands on her phone and see what she is texting to him. See if you can find out if she is emailing him alot.... Basically, with some detective work, your suspicion s may be alleviated, or confirmed. My sense is, you have good reason to be concerned. Prepare yourself fo the probability she is involved with him in an emotional affair. Very likely a physical affair as well.

 

However, I got a peek at her phone last night and found nothing. I'm just so MF'ing tired all of the time now that this where I start thinking that maybe I'm inaccurately seeing things through fatigued glasses, so to speak.

[NoSleepForMe]

Anybody else have any insight to my problem?

[Just a Guy]

Hi No sleep, have your docs put you on meds to help cope with your narcolepsy? If so, how long have you been on them and how have you felt post treatment? Have you got yourself checked for depression? Your symptoms resemble those of people who are depressed and lack energy and the will to haul themselves out of bed in the mornings and face the world. If your disorder is being compounded by depression then maybe the severity could be reduced if at least that is alleviated.

 

My own take on your situation is that you have to start being more proactive for your own welfare and sanity and forget, for the moment, what and how your wife is behaving. Are you now employed or are you employable? Is there some other field of work that you can successfully explore? Can you hold down a small business enterprise which gives you a good return for you to be able to be independent of your wife? Do you have family back home who can help support you through these difficult times? How old are your children and how soon will they be going off to college?

 

Also, if you suspect your wife of cheating or at the least having lost all love and affection for you then try the 180. However for that to be practically possible you will have to separate. What is the current relationship status between you and your wife? Some answers may help the others on here to offer different lines of advice. Warm wishes.

[barnabas17]

Hi,

 

Thank you for sharing so candidly about the struggles in communicating with your wife. I think many of us either stuff it or explode (sometimes both) when it comes to sharing our perspectives with our spouse. It probably comes from not feeling safe in sharing. As a former educator, you probably know all the strategies you used to make sure kids felt safe in sharing their perspectives in class discussions. In the same way, when things are not communicated, when we feel unheard, or we get criticized for sharing one's perspective, the relationship can become distant.

 

I think it was pretty awesome for your wife to have shared openly earlier about the other man; I think, in some ways, she wanted to share with you to honour her wedding vow to you, to keep herself accountable to you, and to ensure that there are some emotional boundaries are set. I think marital counselling is a must here, either through a professional or, better yet, a good church pastor (your deep south roots may find some good recommendations). A mentor couple would be nice to have. Sometimes get-togethers with other couples helps build relationships.

 

Thank you for reaching out. I pray that things get better between you and your wife! Don’t lose hope.

[NoSleepForMe]

So, you think my wife is innocent?

[IndigoNight]

NoSleep,

 

While I don't have narcolepsy (though my father did), I do have severe insomnia that keeps me up a week or longer at a time. So, when you ask could you be perceiving things that aren't quite accurate through your "fatigued glasses", absolutely. It doesn't mean you are wrong, but it does mean you should seek more solid truths before making any life-impacting decisions.

 

At the very least I would suggest therapy, so that you have someone in your life that can guide you. A trusted friend, religious leader, someone you can talk to that knows you, or that you will allow to know you well can also be helpful. I was lucky enough to have a dear friend (she was a therapist), who helped me learn to function with my insomnia. With her help I was able to recognize when my tired brain was over-thinking, or seeing/perceiving what was not really there, and when my thoughts and instincts were correct. I hope you are able to find someone that can help you.

 

I do understand how debilitating sleep issues can be, but have you considered working as an online teacher (ie: at a charter school)? You do not have set hours, and can teach a single class, or multiple ones, depending on your ability to manage them. What about tutoring? While teaching in a traditional classroom is unfortunately out of the question, there are alternative teaching related jobs that may accommodate your health issues. There are options, if you seek them out. I hope that you do. Your state disability office may be able to point you in the right direction, or other resources.

 

As for your wife, her behavior is odd, but I would not say with absolute certainty that she is cheating, or even that she isn't. Her treatment of you, based on your posts, leaves a LOT to be desired, and abuse of any kind is unacceptable. As for what to do about it, if it were me, I would talk to a therapist, or trusted friend, before making any decisions about filing for a divorce, or even accusing her of cheating. You second guess yourself often, and that is not a good place to be. Hopefully therapy, or a good friend even, can help you feel more sure of your thoughts, and decisions, before you act upon them.

 

I wish you the best.

[NoSleepForMe]

This is really hard to hear. I didn't ask for narcolepsy and damn it......ugh.