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Investigation: The begining of the end?


Uncle Boogie

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Uncle Boogie

Question:

 

I have questions whether my wife is cheating on our marriage. In your opinion, is investigating if she is cheating on me the start of the end of the marriage? Does the fact that I have doubts about our relationship hold any hope of getting back to total trust? I feel that once the investigation starts, my marriage will never be the same, no matter if the investigation proves true or not. Am I way off base with my feelings? Anyway...I have enough doubt with her actions that I need to find out what is going on. Just a little perplexed on how my future reactions to her will be.

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No don't ask anything yet...

 

Let me say this. Is she is cheating it will automatically and forever change your relationship, just a fact.

 

If it is a deal breaker for you then obviously you will get a divorce.

 

If she is in love with the OM and she is looking for a way out, you will probably get a divorce.

 

If it is a "Standard" affair for fun, so to speak or she is willing to do what it takes to fix it, it is possible.

 

You will never ever trust her again.

 

So if you want to talk about what you are seeing and feeling in your marriage the start typing.

 

I will say that when you fell it in your gut, there is usually a reason...

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Uncle Boogie

No, not yet. I think she is seeing a doctor at the hospital that she works at. She has changed her routine dramatically over the past several months (i.e. death grip on her phone; working different shifts; going to more "staff" meetings; working more overtime (but the pay checks are still the same). She also has not been talking about her day with me, which is really out of the ordinary. She is a social worker at the hospital in question, and the doctor is some mutt that has been sniffing around her for months.

 

I come from a law enforcement background where doing criminal investigations was my main job description. So I have learned that once you have the upper hand, you never give it up. In this case, I think she is cheating, so I am not going to confront her till I get more information.

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Question:

 

I have questions whether my wife is cheating on our marriage. In your opinion, is investigating if she is cheating on me the start of the end of the marriage? Does the fact that I have doubts about our relationship hold any hope of getting back to total trust? I feel that once the investigation starts, my marriage will never be the same, no matter if the investigation proves true or not. Am I way off base with my feelings? Anyway...I have enough doubt with her actions that I need to find out what is going on. Just a little perplexed on how my future reactions to her will be.

 

It's time for a little relationship temperature-taking. You make a statement: "Xname, I am very happy in our relationship, however, I am sensing that something isn't working for you/us?" If there are somethings that you think we need to address, I am open to that discussion and willing to work on/compromise if necessary." Then you let her talk and observe carefully.

 

Do this before you "open and investigation". This will give her a heads up that you know/suspect that something is askew. Give her the opportunity to open up to you and go from there.

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If your gut is telling you something is wrong, investigate.

 

 

If you find something, get a divorce. If you find nothing but still feel distrustful, get some MC to see if you can bring the trust back.

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She is having an affair, no doubt about it. She is screwing him for how ever long the behavior has been going on.

 

Are you going to hire a PI or do it yourself?

 

But there is no question what is going on.

 

What are you going to do?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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If your gut is telling you she is having an affair, dont waste your money on an investigation. 99% of the time, your gut is right.

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Uncle Boogie

I spent 10 years in federal law enforcement, which had me travelling from home approximately 6-8 months out of each year. The last several years, she became very discontent with my absence, and I agreed with her. So I left that position and started a security company with several other investigators who showed great aptitude in this field. After several years, the company became successful and my time away from home lessened. I felt that we were gaining back the relationship that we once had before travel and time interfered. Maybe I didn't act fast enough or she just lost interest...I don't know.

 

With my security company, I have many devices at my disposal to ascertain if she is in an affair and how deep. I can place pin camera's throughout the house and her car which downloads to a repeater/recorder placed within the attic which I can view in past or real time via my smart phone, but this is my wife...the person who I could trust the most. I just feel that going down this road would start the ball rolling and could not be stopped.

 

You may ask why I just don't ask her. Well...I don't know what she might do. She could just be honest or with the same veracity tell me a lie. This is why I want to keep the upper hand while gathering information...I just feel like a A$$ doing this. I am going to have some reliable cohorts to do a soft surveillance on her while she is out with her drinking girlfriends.

 

Just to give an example of how confusing she can be...We met and dated exclusively in college for 2 years. During the time between my junior and senior years, I was selected to play rugby internationally for 6 months. We kept in constant contact during this time and when I arrived back home I immediately went to her house where she introduced me to her new boyfriend (WTF).

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Law enforcement background makes your more suspicious then most. The woman doesn't deserve to be under surveillance. Even if she's cheating, she's not a criminal. Do something less invasive then cameras in your home. Tail her for one day. But then you either have to talk to her or go hog wild. Problem is, like you recognize, what happens when you don't find anything? When you do find something, that is actually easier. You just end things.

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There is nothing confusing about what is going on here.

 

Based on your background you really should have picked up on this sooner. But the thing is that we don't want to see what is going on right under our noses.

 

You need to check her cell phone bill, and hack her phone so you can understand what is going on there. Do the cameras and a VAR hidden in her car, they are always more open in the car on the way home.

 

But it not a question of whether or not he is having a sexual affair with this guy. The question is how long? Does she want out of the marriage? Do you want out. Have there been any other affairs with any other guys?

 

That is all you need to find out...

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Law enforcement background makes your more suspicious then most. The woman doesn't deserve to be under surveillance. Even if she's cheating, she's not a criminal. Do something less invasive then cameras in your home. Tail her for one day. But then you either have to talk to her or go hog wild. Problem is, like you recognize, what happens when you don't find anything? When you do find something, that is actually easier. You just end things.

 

Donni are you kidding me... Really?

 

Of course she deserves to be under surveillance, and he will find out everything. There are no rules when rooting out infidelity. You cannot get physically violent.

 

Other than that, its game on.

 

I really don't understand how you can feel that way, but to each his own...

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You should definitely investigate. Total trust? That's an ideal. Not your current situation. But I'm not sure how far you need to go in invasion of her privacy, in order to find your answer. I think snooping or tailing will probably give you the answer without the surveillance technology, although I understand why you'd reach for the big guns. You could never get your hands on her mobile phone? How about just verifying what hours she worked at the hospital? I think hidden cameras are a bit too much.

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Why not just ask her if she's having an affair? It is surprising how people can struggle to answer a direct question if the answer is true. Few people want to lie outright; they would rather be evasive. I would not go into detail about why you suspect, just say you have a feeling.

 

If she denies it and you still have cause to suspect, then do what you need to to find out. Think about what your end game would be if she was having an affair. Would you be willing to take her back if she gave him up? Would you want a divorce?

 

I can tell you that not everyone who has an affair does not love their partner or wants to end their marriage. I have had several guys who have tried to start an affair with me. In each case, they adored their wives and would have bent over backwards to avoid her finding out. They knew what they had was special and didn't want to lose it. I have no doubt that if they got found out, they would choose their wives. This is why there is no point getting involved with someone married. They already have a terrific connection with their partner, the other is just for fun.

Edited by spiderowl
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The problem with confronting before you have proof is that they lie to you to cover their ass, quickly delete all evidence, and cover their tracks going forward. So you never get the truth. I know, I was the one doing that once :/

 

The things you listed are tell tale signs of cheating. If you are in the lucky tiny percentage where you were just being paranoid, you should redouble your efforts to love and trust her. But I would investigate. The sudden death grip on phone, alone, is pretty hard to explain away any other way...

 

Sorry dude :(

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Uncle Boogie

I have to go out of town for several days tomorrow so I am going to set up the audio and video equipment. I was talking to my neighbor this afternoon and he asked me if my brother was in town because there was a different car park in my driveway. This was when I was out of town several weeks ago. I am acting like everything is still status quo with our marriage but the more information I gather, the smaller her escape routes can be.

 

I reviewed what I have written and it appears that I have no emotion regarding her cheating. I guess it has been all the reports I have had to write while in law enforcement where your personality is replaced with just facts. This is killing me!!!! I am the kind of guy who is suspect while getting to know someone, but once I feel I have their confidence, I am loyal to the bone. Need help burying a body...I am your guy type of loyalty. I have it with my wife and her deceit to me and our marriage has hurt me more than anything in my life. Right now I am pissed off and want to go "scorched earth" all over her and her pocket doctor (I has always disliked doctors, but I hate them now).

 

Anyway, I will review the tape and audio on a continuing basis while I am gone to see what I catch.

 

I will keep you all abreast with downfall of my life.

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Sorry to hear how you are feeling. It is not surprising at all. It is good that you acknowledge how much this hurts. I don't know how you get over deception. All I know is that the married guys who have approached me for an affair would never want to leave their wives. They were looking for fun on the side (they didn't get it with me!). I don't know how one reconciles the knowledge that a marriage can be so important to someone and yet they can cheat, but it is something to think about before throwing it all away.

 

Good luck!

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Good luck with everything. I think you're doing the right thing. Asking someone outright if they are cheating rarely results in truth.

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Of course the OP needs to roll out the big surveillance guns here, because if he finds nothing then he has to convince himself there was indeed nothing to find.

 

If he goes into this half heartedly, then he will never rest, thinking he may have missed something obvious.

Most BSs do not have the technology or the dollars to do this.

The fact he can do this is a bonus.

He will get the answers he seeks.

Either his wife is innocent of all charges or she is guilty.

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GorillaTheater
Why not just ask her if she's having an affair?It is surprising how people can struggle to answer a direct question if the answer is true. Few people want to lie outright; they would rather be evasive. I would not go into detail about why you suspect, just say you have a feeling.

 

I would urge the OP not to ask for a couple of reasons: one, if she's having an affair, tipping her off is likely going to drive the affair further underground and make his recon job that much harder and two, cheaters lie their asses off. How many examples have we seen of them swearing on their children's lives that nothing's going on? I've seen a few, if you haven't.

 

 

And OP, I think I know what you're getting at regarding changing the rubric. When I initially came here, a long time ago, it was because things were getting weird in my marriage. I thought she might be having an affair. I needed to try to find the truth, too, because I wasn't going to end a long marriage with a bunch of kids over a "feeling". But although I still think the odds were in favor of an affair, I could never find anything that constituted a sufficient level of proof. I needed to be something like 95% sure at least, and I couldn't get there.

 

 

We're still rocking along, I guess. The difference is that during this process, I sort of divorced mentally. That's to say, my emotions were no longer dependent on hers (and they probably never should have been in the first place). If I were to discover infidelity, it would suck and hurt but I wouldn't be devastated; I'd proceed with divorce without anguishing about it. Ironically, being on an even keel makes me more pleasant to be around, and we get along fine, healthy sex life and all. But you're right, it's not the same.

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Your gut is rarely wrong, unfortunately by the time you start having the gut feelings it's usually too late. Sounds like she's been cheating on you throughout your marriage. Doing nothing when your gut is screaming at you is the wrong thing to do, you need to find out. Have you gone through the laundry hamper, have you tested any of her garments?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You sound like a very inconvenient person to cheat on.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

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Sorry to hear how you are feeling. It is not surprising at all. It is good that you acknowledge how much this hurts. I don't know how you get over deception. All I know is that the married guys who have approached me for an affair would never want to leave their wives. They were looking for fun on the side (they didn't get it with me!). I don't know how one reconciles the knowledge that a marriage can be so important to someone and yet they can cheat, but it is something to think about before throwing it all away.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Because often guys cheat for just sex, women almost always cheat for emotional reasons. That's why guys won't leave their wives - unless they are emotionally tied to the AP.

 

OP - the feeling of mistrust will not go away. Doesn't really matter if she is or is not, you won't ever trust her again.

 

Also, it sure sounds like she is cheating. You didn't make this up in your head for no reason.

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Of course the OP needs to roll out the big surveillance guns here, because if he finds nothing then he has to convince himself there was indeed nothing to find.

 

If he goes into this half heartedly, then he will never rest, thinking he may have missed something obvious.

Most BSs do not have the technology or the dollars to do this.

The fact he can do this is a bonus.

He will get the answers he seeks.

Either his wife is innocent of all charges or she is guilty.

 

I get what you're saying, but I guess I'm already leaning towards she is cheating. That's why I figured he'd easily have an answer without using audio/video. And if he finds nothing, then escalate to the surveillance technology.

 

If she is not cheating, (small chance, but for OP's sake we hope that's the case), and she find out that there were hidden cameras, then the marriage would be over. That would be tragic because it didn't have to be that way.

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