Married but had one night stand with longtime friend

[Kayc5634]

Well, here I am, two weeks after a longtime emotional affair with a man I've worked with for several years ended in a one night stand. By the way, I've been with my husband for almost 13 years and we have a 6 yr old daughter. My marriage has left me feeling bored and unfulfilled lately, and my husband is a very good man but doesn't tend to put any effort into making me feel special or wanted (and I've expressed this need to him often).

 

My coworker and I have been close for many years; we joke around all the time, we confide in each other, we text pretty often (mostly jokey, nothing intensely serious), and go out for drinks either with our mutual friends or alone. He and my husband have met several times and get along pretty well, which makes this even more awful. He and I had never discussed emotional feelings for each other, though it was pretty obvious that we were attracted to one another (a friend verified this for me years ago). He's never been married and has relatively short, meaningless relationships here and there but likes his solitude.

 

I'd been feeling intense desire for him for several months and we recently both crashed at our friend's place after a night out. He initiated cuddling, laying in each other's arms, and everything sexual that followed but I wanted it too. Things were obviously awkward the following morning but we agreed to keep everything we'd done to ourselves so as not to get caught and to be able to move forward. We also had a discussion a few days later when we went back to work: we both admitted that our bond is strong but our friendship matters the most. We also discussed our mutual respect for one another and that yes, at some point or another, physical attraction was there. The plan was to remain friends and move on.

 

Problem is, I'm having trouble with this. A lot of it is guilt for what I've done, and some is the "what if?" I know that he and I would be passionate together but that he could never give me the stability that I currently have with my husband, who I really do love. It's been two weeks, and we still talk at work, have texted once or twice (innocuous stuff), but it feels off. I also selfishly enjoy the attention that I receive from him, as I'm someone who he's always respected and admired (though who knows now). I fear that by involving myself in this, I messed up a friendship that I value deeply and am afraid to lose.

 

To those of you who have been in a similar situation, how do you move forward? How do you get past the emotional aspect of knowing that what you did was wrong but that it felt so exciting (and you have to see each other every day)? I take full responsibility for all of this, but can't stop thinking about it...any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[Zona]

I fear that by involving myself in this, I messed up a friendship that I value deeply and am afraid to lose.

 

So you are not worried about your husband or your marriage, but you are worried about this!!?? This will be the least of your worries when your husband finds out.

 

If you come clean to your husband immediately, you may have a chance of saving your marriage. If you let this continue, it's guaranteed you will get caught, and the chance for reconciliation will dwindle to near zero. If you plan on continuing the affair, also plan for your post-divorce life and how you will explain this to your daughter. Read the threads here if you don't believe me about the cost of infidelity, and how easy it is to fool yourself and justify it... until it hits the fan.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Zona

[Marc878]

Continued contact the affair will just grow deeper.

 

This is a very typical affair nothing special. I suspect like most it'll spiral on from here until you blow both your families life up.

 

That affair fantasy, secretive forbidden sex is fun for a time. You've just joined the cheating wives club. Easy to get in but you can never really get out of it.

 

Kinda forever labeled.

[Zona]

So you are not worried about your husband or your marriage, but you are worried about this!!?? This will be the least of your worries when your husband finds out.

 

If you come clean to your husband immediately, you may have a chance of saving your marriage. If you let this continue, it's guaranteed you will get caught, and the chance for reconciliation will dwindle to near zero. If you plan on continuing the affair, also plan for your post-divorce life and how you will explain this to your daughter. Read the threads here if you don't believe me about the cost of infidelity, and how easy it is to fool yourself and justify it... until it hits the fan.

 

Sorry to quote myself, but you should also read the sticky thread above entitled "what every wayward spouse needs to know". You don't seem to realize what you have just done.

[BaileyB]

You seem more concerned with losing the "friendship" you shared with the other man, than the hurt and betrayal your husband will feel when he learns what you have done. That's very sad.

 

I would suggest that something seems "off" now because he has achieved his goal... your relationship has changed and he may have decided having made the conquest that he is not interested anymore.

 

I hope the attention and sex was worth the sacrifice, because you may ultimately sacrifice everything for one night of excitement...

[SydCar]

You need to come clean with your husband immediately and let him go so that he can find someone who truly loves and respects him. Give him a clean divorce and full custody of the kids and then stay out of his life.

 

You could send him here for advice so that we could advise him to report you and your coworker to your employers so that you both then get fired!

 

 

That would be the right thing to do.

[Marc878]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Read up I suspect it won't matter much as you are about to embark on a full blown affair. At this time no one will be able to tell you much nor will you be able to stop it.

 

This is pretty accurate info from someone on the receiving end.

[Mrs. John Adams]

oh lord...you have no idea how you have just changed your life...nor do you understand how you just changed your husbands life and he had no say in it.

 

How would you feel if your husband had done what you just did?

 

you know that your friendship has now crossed a line that you can never take back...right? I mean...the friendship has to end. Are you prepared to do that?

[Zona]

One more thing. Get tested for STD's ASAP. If this "friend" would have sex with a married woman once (you), he's probably done it before with other women. If you give your husband an STD, that would be the WORST way for him to find out about it. Chlamydia is absolutely rampant out there, and condoms are by no means fool proof against it.

[hammyy2k]

hello,

 

as somebody said earlier, you have no idea the consequences of what you just did, your life has changed, it wont be the same, you are in delusion that you have done nothing that big, if you keep this affair, the consequences will be much greater so get out and tell everything you just did to your husband and hope he doesnt divorce you.

Edited June 10, 2017 by hammyy2k

[Bastile]

I take full responsibility for all of this, but can't stop thinking about it...

 

Do you take responsibility enough to fess up to it?

 

That would involve all of the various threads of your life to be revealed and examined. Such as your workplace, the way you cultivate "friendships", the way your husband has been allowed to view a fake life that you've been living, etc.

 

It would mean re-evaluating everything. That would be taking responsibility.

 

As others have stated, I'm not sure to what extent you care for the realities of what you've done.

[donbar]

Notwithstanding the sensible advice that testing for an STD is, you have some fundamental problems with your marriage. You need to talk to your husbsnd about your marriage, work out why you were able to cheat, work out what you want.

[usa1ah]

Well, here I am, two weeks after a longtime emotional affair with a man I've worked with for several years ended in a one night stand. By the way, I've been with my husband for almost 13 years and we have a 6 yr old daughter. My marriage has left me feeling bored and unfulfilled lately, and my husband is a very good man but doesn't tend to put any effort into making me feel special or wanted (and I've expressed this need to him often).

 

My coworker and I have been close for many years; we joke around all the time, we confide in each other, we text pretty often (mostly jokey, nothing intensely serious), and go out for drinks either with our mutual friends or alone. He and my husband have met several times and get along pretty well, which makes this even more awful. He and I had never discussed emotional feelings for each other, though it was pretty obvious that we were attracted to one another (a friend verified this for me years ago). He's never been married and has relatively short, meaningless relationships here and there but likes his solitude.

 

I'd been feeling intense desire for him for several months and we recently both crashed at our friend's place after a night out. He initiated cuddling, laying in each other's arms, and everything sexual that followed but I wanted it too. Things were obviously awkward the following morning but we agreed to keep everything we'd done to ourselves so as not to get caught and to be able to move forward. We also had a discussion a few days later when we went back to work: we both admitted that our bond is strong but our friendship matters the most. We also discussed our mutual respect for one another and that yes, at some point or another, physical attraction was there. The plan was to remain friends and move on.

 

Problem is, I'm having trouble with this. A lot of it is guilt for what I've done, and some is the "what if?" I know that he and I would be passionate together but that he could never give me the stability that I currently have with my husband, who I really do love. It's been two weeks, and we still talk at work, have texted once or twice (innocuous stuff), but it feels off. I also selfishly enjoy the attention that I receive from him, as I'm someone who he's always respected and admired (though who knows now). I fear that by involving myself in this, I messed up a friendship that I value deeply and am afraid to lose.

 

To those of you who have been in a similar situation, how do you move forward? How do you get past the emotional aspect of knowing that what you did was wrong but that it felt so exciting (and you have to see each other every day)? I take full responsibility for all of this, but can't stop thinking about it...any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

I am sure your husband can say the same of you when it comes to not feeling wanted.

 

Seeing how you have been putting your feeling time and energy into the emotional affair you were having before you turned it physical.

 

This was not a one night stand. This was the affair changing states of being.

 

How could your betrayed husband make you feel wanted when you emotionally shut down on him. Stop blaming him for you affair/cheating. This is entirely on you alone. He wasn't doing this that or what ever is your fault. You found someone else to do that with, not your betrayed husband.

[Bastile]

This was not a one night stand. This was the affair changing states of being.

 

Exactly.

 

And it reaches to everything else like threads on a spider's web. Everything is connected.

 

You and your husband need to completely re-evaluate everything. Build something completely new and different from scratch.

 

That's if you actually want a strong mutual relationship with him, rather than just having a relationship of utility.

 

In that sense, you are as much to blame for the relationship being boring as he is.

[somuchfortheone]

So you are not worried about your husband or your marriage, but you are worried about this!!?? This will be the least of your worries when your husband finds out.

 

If you come clean to your husband immediately, you may have a chance of saving your marriage. If you let this continue, it's guaranteed you will get caught, and the chance for reconciliation will dwindle to near zero. If you plan on continuing the affair, also plan for your post-divorce life and how you will explain this to your daughter. Read the threads here if you don't believe me about the cost of infidelity, and how easy it is to fool yourself and justify it... until it hits the fan.

 

 

 

 

Wish i could like this more than once!!

[somuchfortheone]

Continued contact the affair will just grow deeper.

 

This is a very typical affair nothing special. I suspect like most it'll spiral on from here until you blow both your families life up.

 

That affair fantasy, secretive forbidden sex is fun for a time. You've just joined the cheating wives club. Easy to get in but you can never really get out of it.

 

Kinda forever labeled.

 

 

 

 

 

Dead on the money. You should be thanking your lucky stars you were blessed enough with a good husband who offers stability. Too bad he can't offer you the excitement that a man who sleeps with married women does.

[usa1ah]

He has no respect for you. If he did he would never of bedded you.

Edited June 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Kayc5634]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

Atta girl.

[somuchfortheone]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

 

I hope you really mean that and if you do, good for you. Please PLEASE do not drag him through a false reconciliation and continue to have an EA or PA behind his back. It's the worst thing you can do to a person.

[Bastile]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

Really good on you

[Marc878]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

If you're smart you'll tell him the truth. An affair can destroy a marriage, lies WILL destroy it.

[Zona]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

The good news is IF you come clean and take full responsibility, and show complete remorse without holding back anything or making excuses, the probability your marriage can be saved will be vastly increased. The only problem is it has been 2 weeks. The next morning would have been better.

 

The other good news is that once your husband knows, the chance of the affair continuing will be much lower because everything will be out in the open. No more lies or deception. Be an open book and show some humility.

 

It won't be a walk in the park though. Be prepared for a rough ride. If you are serious about this, plan on finding a new job for obvious reasons.

 

Best of luck.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Zona

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

I'll answer your specific questions as unlike most who replied, I am also a fWS (former wandering spouse)

 

First - your guy friend. OK. One thing I have learned by reading all the posts by the guys here is that you need to be really careful at what you view as a guy friend. Sure, you can be friendly with guys, see them in the context of business, sports, school or whatever your mutual interest is, and have some chit-chat, lunch, or even a drink here and there. But - there is a big difference between men and woman. While we woman LOVE to have our guy friends and treat them like women pals with the extra plus, men are not the same. They really only are interested in a woman for a specific reason. If it is not something defined (aka business, sports, etc), they are basically looking for something to happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow but one day. A man simply will not waste his time texting a woman daily unless he has some interest. Think about it. They are just not like us.

 

So, second - you hooked up with your guy friend. He feels weird now and he basically got what he had been looking for, so he is kind of done. He doesn't want drama, he wants to distance himself from you. No judgement from me, just explanations. You think you can handle it, you think you can turn back the wheels of time and be cool, be his friend, be normal.

 

You can't. There is NO chance. You have a 100% chance of getting obsessed with this guy and maybe he will toy with you, sleep with you and royally screw up your life or maybe he really is done. Most guys, they will do the former if you let them, esp since he is single and hey, it's free sex and you are someone else's problem.

 

Take it from my experience in life. You are going to have to leave this job. Obviously you are married, which everyone else is posting about so I am focusing on just you right now, you are not going to date this guy, your choices are (1) be used and feel pain (2) be ignored and feel pain. Yikes! A pain sandwich no matter the road you take. When someone gives you a pain sandwich, your best choice is to go carb free. Choose the alternate route. You are going to need to leave and just never see him again, I'm sorry.

 

As for your marriage, I believe you that you felt your husband was not paying attention to you, etc. Heck, we all feel that way at times. You have a choice. If the marriage was really making you unhappy, you can tell him what happened, and give him a chance to fix it. Or else what is the point? Nothing will change. (I chose that path). But if your husband really did not do anything and you feel you are creating this drama on your own, well, people are divided on this. My husband has said that he is glad I told him as we were able to address the issues in our marriage but we both agree that sh*t happens in life (he also strayed) and sometimes there is nothing good to be gained by dumping your emotional baggage on the other person. Unless of you are in love and want to leave.

 

That is our perspective and different from most here.

[QuietDan]

I am willing to take full responsibility by telling my husband. I f**cked up royally and have no one to blame for my selfishness but me. It will be up to him to decide what happens next, but my plan is to cut this other person out of my life in some bid to save a marriage that is worth more than any of that. Your replies were harsh and candid, but I deserve them and need to hear them. For that, thank you. I'm currently in therapy to work on my flaws and ****ty behavior, so hopefully this will steer me in the right direction. My husband deserves better, and I'll do anything to try to put things right.

 

Well said, however, it really doesn't seem to match up to your original post in spirit. You may have had a moments worth of clarity with this response.

But, unfortunately, this is going to be a very long difficult road for you and your husband.

The problem is, this is part of a long term emotional affair. If your original post accurately describes your current affair status, this is the beginning of the physical aspect of the affair.

Hopefully you will follow through with telling your husband about the affair...

There was some affair justification going on in your first post, some of the complaints about your husband may or may not have had real merit.

Revising history to self and others about what the problems are in the marriage to justify how a cheating spouse deserves the right to cheat is common. So does being a victim.

I suppose you should evaluate if your really want to fight to stay in your marriage. Why you are married to you husband. Do you really want to stay married to your husband?

Is the long term vision of what you want in a long term healthy relationship with your husband worth the pain and hell you are going to put him through in order to develop a new healthy relationship on the ashes of the dead destroyed relationship that was your marriage.

Typical marriage restoration, recovery to the point where the betrayed spouse isn't cycling through emotional hell and haunted by images of you having sex with the other man will be in the range of 2 to 5 years.

Do you think you can develop the character, fortitude, patience, perseverance necessary to do the right thing?

 

The route you took, eventually will be filled with regret, sorrow, pain, guilt, anger, frustration, self loathing. If you are of character and sound mind, eventually you will experience remorse.

 

I am feeling a great deal of heavy sadness when I read your initial post, this thread.

I don't envy your husband one bit no matter what path you take.