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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 10th August 2017, 9:04 PM   #46
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Well let me offer the opposite, my wife was older and had numerous lovers between marriages, experienced amazing sex but it did not stop her cheating on me, nor help her value sex with me.

So that fact that your husband only had you, is not an excuse for him cheating.

In fact one could make the argument more experienced people are apt to cheat more.

But the fact is cheaters Cheat.
Yes they do! I guess arguments could be made for either side. I don't feel it's an excuse for what he has done, more just thoughts and attempting to understand.
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Old 11th August 2017, 9:12 AM   #47
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Yes they do! I guess arguments could be made for either side. I don't feel it's an excuse for what he has done, more just thoughts and attempting to understand.

I understand your trying to understand you husband.

My wife once said it was a good thing (for us) that she got around during her single years and it was even good she was involved with a MM. The cheating and our low sexlife says otherwise. Her views have changed a bit since she said those words but not enough.

I would have preferred to have been her one and only - but I guess the grass seems greener on the other side.... and people are either suited for monogamy and loving commitment or not.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 11th August 2017 at 9:16 AM..
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Old 12th August 2017, 8:21 AM   #48
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Hi Dichotomy, while I won't dispute your statement about cheaters there maybe some extenuating factors in the case of OP's husband. The fact is that they have been married for around thirty years and his cheating incidences have occurred in the last three or four years if I am correct. So while he is a cheater he isn't one of those dyed in the blood types who just can't help himself and is always sniffing around other women. For the most part of his marriage he upheld his vows and walked the straight and narrow. Why he fell off the wagon is anybody's guess. Red has given no indication that their marriage was in the doldrums at the time of his cheating and so there may have been other factors at play. Sometimes even strong people, in a moment of weakness, succumb to temptation and cross the proverbial red lines.

That said all this discussion does not in any way diminish the wrongness of what he has done or alleviate the pain that he has caused to Red. She is absolutely right not to trust him to let her down again. Whether he will or not is moot at this point because she holds all the aces at the moment and only she can decide whether he gets a third chance at being her partner for the rest of her life. He is trying his desperate best to convince her to give him that chance and she has not taken a call on that as yet. Maybe by letting him stew in his own juice for an adequate period of time, the point of his massive betrayal will be driven home and he may be worthy of that chance. Even then Red is not duty bound to do so. However, considering the quantum of emotional, familial and physical equity that has been generated over the years, it would be a real pity to see it squandered for something as stupid as an affair. How it plays out depends to a great deal on the judgement that Red exercises and till date she has shown she has the fortitude, in spite of her physical ailments, to make the right decisions. Her husband will have to earn back her love and trust by generating all the remorse that he can, within himself to make himself worthy of that third chance.

By the way,with what you have had to say about your wife, are you still married to her or was her infidelity a done deal? Feel free to answer only if you feel like it. Thankyou and warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 12th August 2017 at 8:27 AM..
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Old 13th August 2017, 2:02 PM   #49
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Hi Dichotomy, while I won't dispute your statement about cheaters there maybe some extenuating factors in the case of OP's husband. The fact is that they have been married for around thirty years and his cheating incidences have occurred in the last three or four years if I am correct. So while he is a cheater he isn't one of those dyed in the blood types who just can't help himself and is always sniffing around other women. For the most part of his marriage he upheld his vows and walked the straight and narrow. Why he fell off the wagon is anybody's guess. Red has given no indication that their marriage was in the doldrums at the time of his cheating and so there may have been other factors at play. Sometimes even strong people, in a moment of weakness, succumb to temptation and cross the proverbial red lines.

That said all this discussion does not in any way diminish the wrongness of what he has done or alleviate the pain that he has caused to Red. She is absolutely right not to trust him to let her down again. Whether he will or not is moot at this point because she holds all the aces at the moment and only she can decide whether he gets a third chance at being her partner for the rest of her life. He is trying his desperate best to convince her to give him that chance and she has not taken a call on that as yet. Maybe by letting him stew in his own juice for an adequate period of time, the point of his massive betrayal will be driven home and he may be worthy of that chance. Even then Red is not duty bound to do so. However, considering the quantum of emotional, familial and physical equity that has been generated over the years, it would be a real pity to see it squandered for something as stupid as an affair. How it plays out depends to a great deal on the judgement that Red exercises and till date she has shown she has the fortitude, in spite of her physical ailments, to make the right decisions. Her husband will have to earn back her love and trust by generating all the remorse that he can, within himself to make himself worthy of that third chance.

By the way,with what you have had to say about your wife, are you still married to her or was her infidelity a done deal? Feel free to answer only if you feel like it. Thankyou and warm wishes.
Thanks for the post and the wishes. You are correct that this last affair we were in a great place(so I thought), however the first one which was approximately 3.5 months from start to NC we were not. Hence the reason I think I was on board to fix me and give him a shot to fix him and us. We have been together 21 years so it's hard to just cut ties quickly, although I know people do it. My illness has taken a serious tole on everyone, including our kids. Literally in a matter of less than a year I went from high powered management, running my household and still having a large group of friends to some days not being able to get out of bed for more than 20 minutes at a time. I'm not in that position right now However, I still have more bad days than good. So there is a part of me that knows that we have all suffered from this. He was by my side through everything even though he was doing that behind my back. I know it sounds crazy but I still can see that man who was there during all of it and technically still is.
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Old 13th August 2017, 2:58 PM   #50
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go what will it hurt
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Old 13th August 2017, 3:19 PM   #51
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go what will it hurt
Hi. I'm not sure what you mean. Can you explain?
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Old 16th August 2017, 10:57 AM   #52
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Hi Red thank you for your response to my previous post. I stand corrected in the timeline I gave regarding your marriage. However,, my error does not in any way detract from what I said about having accumulated equity of different kinds as I had mentioned.

I have been reading an excellent book on the life and times of the famous American psychic Sylvia Browne. I guess you folk in the US must be familiar with her as she appears on various TV programs. One of the things she brought out through her spirit guide Francine was that all of us make a blue print for our lives before we come to this dimension. That blue print includes everything that happens to us here on Earth and the people we marry are kindred souls with whom we have an agreement to meet here on Earth and eventually marry. In a nutshell all this is done to enable our souls to grow and develop and paradoxically, growth is only possible by experiencing negativity in our lives. I won't go into details here as if you are interested in knowing more you can read her book. It is titled "Adventures of a psychic". I know that most people do not believe in the existence or authenticity of psychics so you will have a lot of nay Sayers discouraging you from exploring this phenomenon. You yourself may be a non believer. That is alright because not everyone is cut from the same cloth. However,, if you are intrigued and interested in exploring this then I would encourage you to do so as you have nothing to lose. If nothing else the book on her makes for interesting reading.

There is something else I wanted to add. All of us at some point in our lives come upon a cross roads and have a choice to make as to which path we should follow. Almost always, one path will take us in a direction where we will meet with disappointment and hard times. However , this path will initially seem like a bed of roses compared to the other path. Everything about it will signal that that is the right direction for one to ho. The other path will appear less attractive and will be strewn with boulders and potholes in the beginning. However things will smoothen out after a while and will keep improving till you reach a place of happiness and fulfilmement. The most difficult decision in your life will be to determine which path you should take. Your only compass in this difficult choice is your gut feel. In other words your subconscious mind. If you let your subconscious mind guide you, you will make the right choice and things will start working out for you. Guess I've rambled on long enough so I'll call it off here. Just think about what I've had to say. Warm wishes.
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Old 17th August 2017, 3:35 AM   #53
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Your posts illustrates a very important point relating to reconciliation and affair recovery in general. The WS really needs to see and understand the full extent of the pain of the BS, warts and all to fully appreciate the damage he has done and to be able to be fully committed to R. Even if this means something as drastic as divorce.

I saw my wife physically collapse and we went through months and months of hellish conversations. It was awful for me as the cheater (of course it was much worse for her as she was the innocent victim, but I'm talking from the viewpoint of the cheater here). But it forced me to see the full extent of her pain, it forced me to confront what I had done, what I had risked, how much I had f*cked up, how much I had hurt people.

The problem with rug sweeping or letting cheaters off too easily is that they don't see what a huge, heartbreaking deal it all was and to what extent they have hurt and damaged the person he committed to. They know they've done wrong, but not HOW wrong - in their own mind they can even chalk it up to a "boys being boys" kind of mistake - like getting outrageously drunk with their friends and not making it home, or losing money betting on a horse. It is in a completely different league from this.

The same goes for waywards who end the affair undiscovered and never tell anyone. Without being confronted with the full horror of what they've done, waywards may not be capable of the deep remorse and self-reflection necessary for true reconciliation.
Yes and no. Yes, definitely rug sweeping lets them off too easily and, yes, those who end the affair(s) undiscovered are more unlikely to have as much remorse as if they were discovered.

But, no, it's not a simple formula and there's no reason to assume that just being confronted makes a wayward capable of that deep remorse and self-reflection. There are plenty who simply aren't capable. They see the pain and suffering of the betrayed spouse but they don't get it. In particular, they think that, in the same situation, they themselves wouldn't be that devastated. Or, worse, they confuse shame with remorse and think they have 'paid their dues' without any serious self-examination.

In other words, I think what BetrayedH suggests is quite a reasonable approach for you. You don't trust him with good reason. He says and no doubt genuinely feels he is remorseful. Perhaps, time will allow him to dig deeper to understand himself and maybe you will be convinced. Or it will prove that he's dug as deep as he can, and you can let him go without regret.

Last edited by merrmeade; 17th August 2017 at 3:56 AM..
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Old 5th September 2017, 9:24 AM   #54
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Hi Red, any updates? It's been sometime time so has there been any movement? Answer only if you feel like it. Thanks.
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Old 28th November 2017, 12:22 AM   #55
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Hi Red, any updates? It's been sometime time so has there been any movement? Answer only if you feel like it. Thanks.
Hi. Thanks for asking. I haven’t been on here in a while. We are separated, still in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. He basically gave up his efforts and is under massive stress at work so feels overwhelmed. I have no trust for him at all and so we have both thrown in the towel. I am focusing on me. We are friendly but any romantic gestures or anything physical is done. He does try to hug me every day. I finally said tonight that we talk big about keeping boundaries, yet he hugs me and adds a kiss on the cheek whenever he can. He said hugging is normal when you love each other. I said no more hugs, because he doesn’t hug me like a friend, he rubs my waist like he always has(he has always loved how my waist curves), so that’s not how one hugs a friend. I am angry, which Is good and I am using it to detach, which is what I need. It’s getting better by the day. 21 years will take a while to get over but I’m working on it everyday.
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Old 28th November 2017, 8:42 AM   #56
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Hi Red, thanks for your response. I guess with everything else that you are undergoing in the physical sense, this emotional maelstorm must be very difficult to navigate. However, as they say ' Fortune favours the brave' and so, if I had anything to say to you it would be to keep taking a step at a time, moving forward all the time till you reach your safe haven. In the process you will find you have grown stronger and more self reliant. What finally transpires in your life is destiny so all one can do is work hard to make a success of one's effort and let the Universe decide where to place you. Warm wishes.
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Old 28th November 2017, 9:47 AM   #57
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I met my wife when I was 15. She's been my one and only for the last 22 years. I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like to be with other women, but cheating never once crossed my mind. I did have a difficult time coping with the fact that most of my fantasies went unfulfilled all those years (fantasies that we could have explored together but she never cared to partake in--not fantasies about other women), but I was still proud of the fact that she was my #1 and only. It's still no excuse to cheat.
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Old 28th November 2017, 12:27 PM   #58
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It happens to just about everyone sooner or later. Most just don't know it. I've come to believe that it is a big deal, but not the end of the world.

Lifelong fidelity is an extremely tall order, and unnatural, at best, and I honestly don't believe many people achieve it.
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Old 29th November 2017, 1:24 AM   #59
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You’ve got this.
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Old 30th November 2017, 1:42 PM   #60
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Good think you waited instead of jumping back in his arms. He showed you in a matter of months that he wasn't willing to do the work. That should be the final nail in the coffin.
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