Not sure what answers I'm looking for here.

[wonderingin22land]

This forum was very helpful to me many years ago when my husband and I briefly separated. Hopefully it can provide insight again.

 

As I said, my husband and I briefly separated years ago. We had gotten married young and our relationship had always been rocky. There was no cheating on either side, we just finally decided to go our own ways. In searching for ourselves we found we truly did love each other and recommitted to our marriage. It was a new marriage. It has been great.

 

A few years ago we moved to a new city, many states away from home. We love it here.

 

Moving forward. I got a job at a large company where I'm a virtual secretary. I have 20 people across the US I work remotely with. When I first came on board I was warned about one guy in particular. He was said to be abrasive and hard to deal with and nothing made him happy.

 

Being a people person I went out of my way to build a better relationship with him. He trusted me early on. When it came time for a promotion recommendation he way first in line to offer one. My boss was impressed at how well I had been able to manage his personality.

 

He is one of those rough on the outside, but once he's in your corner he is you biggest ally and supporter.

 

Our friendship has grown. We typically talk daily. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes the total of an hour or more. It started as work stuff. Since much of the time he is driving he would tell me about his weekend, etc.

 

We lost dear family members a few months apart. It was nice having someone who understood.

 

Nothing seemed out of line. I even recounted most of the conversations to my husband. He knows my personality, so he wasn't too concerned.

 

He came to the central office at the end of 2016 for our Xmas party. He did spent a good bit of time around me, but he never tried to touch me etc. My husband was there and he was cool with meeting him, etc.

 

In all of this, I never felt anything more than friendship. After all, I had a similar relationship with some of the others I work with in the same capacity.

 

The main difference is he talks a lot...about everything. I know about his kids (grown), his hobbies, his wife's hobbies, his family drama (not against his spouse), his work frustrations, pretty much any and everything going on in his life.

 

We text every now and then. Usually a funny joke or a picture. Nothing sexual or with any innuendo ever. A smiley face rarely.

 

His bday was 2 weeks ago. I sent him a small gift.

 

I've had more male than female friends my entire life. My husband knows I despise female drama, love sports, etc. so he's always been fine with my male friends.

 

Now the confusing part. And maybe it's nothing, but... Last week I sent him a text wishing him luck on a presentation he was delivering. He replied an hour later thanks it went great.

 

Then, late that night I got a text (out of character) telling me his wife saw the previous text because she was in the vehicle with him. He told me she thought there was something between us and it caused a huge argument.

 

I was very surprised. Why would he even tell me that? I didn't respond. Told him the next day I would change my approach if it was causing problems or making her uncomfortable. He just kind of shrugged it off. Told me she was just over thinking and not to worry about it.

 

He continues to share his life story with me daily. We didn't speak about the incident with his wife again. He told me I wasn't doing anything wrong, not to worry about it and that was that.

 

Yet, I've been unable to just let it go. Why would he even bring it up? I truly value his friendship, but now I can't help but wonder if we are overstepping any bounds.

 

I've only met him once. Have no idea or plans on when I may see him again. Still should I tread lightly? Did his wife not know about our friendship prior?

 

Any advice or insight appreciated.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This forum was very helpful to me many years ago when my husband and I briefly separated. Hopefully it can provide insight again.

 

As I said, my husband and I briefly separated years ago. We had gotten married young and our relationship had always been rocky. There was no cheating on either side, we just finally decided to go our own ways. In searching for ourselves we found we truly did love each other and recommitted to our marriage. It was a new marriage. It has been great.

 

A few years ago we moved to a new city, many states away from home. We love it here.

 

Moving forward. I got a job at a large company where I'm a virtual secretary. I have 20 people across the US I work remotely with. When I first came on board I was warned about one guy in particular. He was said to be abrasive and hard to deal with and nothing made him happy.

 

Being a people person I went out of my way to build a better relationship with him. He trusted me early on. When it came time for a promotion recommendation he way first in line to offer one. My boss was impressed at how well I had been able to manage his personality.

 

He is one of those rough on the outside, but once he's in your corner he is you biggest ally and supporter.

 

Our friendship has grown. We typically talk daily. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes the total of an hour or more. It started as work stuff. Since much of the time he is driving he would tell me about his weekend, etc.

 

We lost dear family members a few months apart. It was nice having someone who understood.

 

Nothing seemed out of line. I even recounted most of the conversations to my husband. He knows my personality, so he wasn't too concerned.

 

He came to the central office at the end of 2016 for our Xmas party. He did spent a good bit of time around me, but he never tried to touch me etc. My husband was there and he was cool with meeting him, etc.

 

In all of this, I never felt anything more than friendship. After all, I had a similar relationship with some of the others I work with in the same capacity.

 

The main difference is he talks a lot...about everything. I know about his kids (grown), his hobbies, his wife's hobbies, his family drama (not against his spouse), his work frustrations, pretty much any and everything going on in his life.

 

We text every now and then. Usually a funny joke or a picture. Nothing sexual or with any innuendo ever. A smiley face rarely.

 

His bday was 2 weeks ago. I sent him a small gift.

 

I've had more male than female friends my entire life. My husband knows I despise female drama, love sports, etc. so he's always been fine with my male friends.

 

Now the confusing part. And maybe it's nothing, but... Last week I sent him a text wishing him luck on a presentation he was delivering. He replied an hour later thanks it went great.

 

Then, late that night I got a text (out of character) telling me his wife saw the previous text because she was in the vehicle with him. He told me she thought there was something between us and it caused a huge argument.

 

I was very surprised. Why would he even tell me that? I didn't respond. Told him the next day I would change my approach if it was causing problems or making her uncomfortable. He just kind of shrugged it off. Told me she was just over thinking and not to worry about it.

 

He continues to share his life story with me daily. We didn't speak about the incident with his wife again. He told me I wasn't doing anything wrong, not to worry about it and that was that.

 

Yet, I've been unable to just let it go. Why would he even bring it up? I truly value his friendship, but now I can't help but wonder if we are overstepping any bounds.

 

I've only met him once. Have no idea or plans on when I may see him again. Still should I tread lightly? Did his wife not know about our friendship prior?

 

Any advice or insight appreciated.

 

you already know the right answer

 

so why are you asking us what is right?

 

You know you are already cheating...so what is it you are really looking for?

[LastAcorn99]

Honestly, I think it would be wise for you to handle this friendship with your colleagues carefully, keeping your eyes open for any pitfalls. While you may be for an all healthy, non-romantic friendship, you cannot know for sure how your colleague is treating this friendship. And, especially now that he’s mentioned how it’s created some issues in his marriage, I would suggest that your give heed to your instinct and tread carefully here on -- like, keeping your communication to more work related matters and drawing a distinct boundary when it comes to sharing personal stories. The truth is that it's far easier than you may think to cross the line from a platonic friendship into a seemingly "harmless" romance. Watch out -- and take care!

[Cephalopod]

You're not on a slippery slope...yet. But you are tiptoeing on the edge of the slope.

 

If it concerned you enough to come and talk about it with us then you know you have already overstepped some boundaries you shouldn't be. In addition, you are expending emotional energy on this man when you should be directing it towards your husband. Why?

[LargoLagg]

He probably told you that just in case she contacts you herself - he didn't want you to be blindsided by the accusation.

 

One of two things is true:

 

1) She has reason to be suspicious of him

 

or

 

2) She doesn't.

 

You'll probably never know, but in the end, she's his problem, not yours. As long as your hands are clean, her suspicions should mean nothing to you, and however he decides to deal with her is his business.

 

So, exactly what boundaries do you think you're overstepping? Or are you simply reacting to her accusation? I think the latter, unless you tell us something new.

[ahmed8xm]

Affairs starts in this way

 

First handshake then hugs then texting and sexting , a cup of coffe

 

Be Careful

[TobyBoy]

His wife didn't see that text and there was no argument. That was a test, "testing the waters" so to speak. What he is doing is "planting a seed" in your head that he values your opinions more than he does his wife. Do this, show your husband the texts and ask what he thinks. Better yet, show him this thread and see if he agrees with the responses you've received.

[sweetgirl75]

Be very careful. He is letting you into his life way too much. He is way too comfortable. I would back off and limit contact out of respect for both of your spouses. If you were both single I would not see an issue.

[GoldenR]

What Mrs JA said.

 

You're already in an emotional affair and you know it. It may not have taken any sort of sexual turn yet, but it's leading there.

 

Your entire post pretty much is you trying to show us over and over again how you are doing nothing wrong with him, and that just makes me think of the old Shakespearian quote, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks".

 

Your entire post tells me that you know you are too far enmeshed in his life, and vice versa.

 

Detach from him now, before it's too late.

[Mr. Lucky]

You know you are already cheating...so what is it you are really looking for?

 

You're already in an emotional affair and you know it. It may not have taken any sort of sexual turn yet, but it's leading there.

 

Agreed. Additionally, isn't his wife's discomfort enough motivation for you to exit the relationship? Not sure why you'd want to put yourself in the middle of a marriage over one of the partner's objections...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thisguy21]

Wait, she said her husband knows about the conversations. Doesn't sound like she is hiding anything from him. I fail to see how she is cheating. I text a female co-worker stupid jokes and stuff. I don't want anything to do with her relationship wise and never will. Does that mean I'm cheating too? Did I miss something here or is it that BS's think every interaction with a member of the opposite sex is cheating? I mean, I care about my coworker as a friend, same way I care about my male co-workers and friends. My wife is more then welcome to read through all my texts and I can't think of a time I've ever deleted any text at all.

 

Ooohh, my wife has a male co-worker who is her friend. Should I file because she is cheating as well? I once heard she congratulated him on an award he won. That must mean she has feelings for him more then friends.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wait, she said her husband knows about the conversations. Doesn't sound like she is hiding anything from him. I fail to see how she is cheating. I text a female co-worker stupid jokes and stuff. I don't want anything to do with her relationship wise and never will. Does that mean I'm cheating too? Did I miss something here or is it that BS's think every interaction with a member of the opposite sex is cheating? I mean, I care about my coworker as a friend, same way I care about my male co-workers and friends. My wife is more then welcome to read through all my texts and I can't think of a time I've ever deleted any text at all.

 

Ooohh, my wife has a male co-worker who is her friend. Should I file because she is cheating as well? I once heard she congratulated him on an award he won. That must mean she has feelings for him more then friends.

 

I believe she said she has recounted some of their conversations to her husband.

I told my husband conversations I had with my professor do you think I told him everything?

 

If she wants to be on the up and up ... if this is an innocent relationship then she SHOWS her husband all the text messages. She tells her husband she bought the guy a birthday present.

 

You see.. anything she does secretly.. she's hiding... and if she is hiding it... she believes it to be wrong.

 

It's a simple web we weave at first.. lying by omission is still lying.

 

She is here asking opinions about this relationship.

 

If she did not already feel guilty about why would she ask?

 

She knows the answer .. but she wants us to tell her what she is doing is ok...

 

I have an idea.. why don't you ask your husband what he thinks about all this ...after all it's his opinion that matters not ours.

 

But she did not do that she came here....

 

And by the way I am a wayward

[Mrs. John Adams]

AND

 

She posted it in infidelity forum

 

If she thought this relationship was innocent why not post it in general? Or marriage ?

[Thisguy21]

AND

 

She posted it in infidelity forum

 

If she thought this relationship was innocent why not post it in general? Or marriage ?

 

True on this last point. After my post I went back and re-read hers to see if I missed something. The talks daily and for sometimes an hour is a little alarming. I certainly wouldn't be cool with my wife Having daily hour long chats with a co-worker. I did miss that the first time through. Carry on.

[understand50]

wonderingin22land,

 

I think you are hoping we will say, "no issues, nothing going on, just continue as before". I cannot, as I think this has crossed a line. You are now in the middle of his marriage, and that is not the place to be. I would let him know you are unconformable, and also tell your husband EVERYTHING. This puts this as a friendship, and lets your husband know you are not conformable, and could use his help. You should be running to him for your sounding board, not us. What is his opinion? If you can tell us his opinion, that would show us that you are not in a emotional affair, but a friendship, that is more intense then most. If not why are you hiding thing from him? That in itself make this a emotional affair. Also heed Mrs JA on "lying by omission is still lying".

 

I have close friends who are women. I have gone to them, and they me, to talk about things, relationships and so fourth. You know the difference? I told my wife I was going to talk to them, and had no issues with her talking to them as well as they were her friends as well as mine. See the difference?

 

Talk to your husband, get his take, ask for his help, his opinion. Doing this will take out any chance of possible cheating, or the the appearance of cheating.

 

I wish you luck......

[mightycpa]

Lying by omission is indeed lying, but not all omissions are lies.

 

Doing something in secret is hiding, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

 

Maintaining a texting regime with someone without voluntarily sending cc:'s to one's spouse does not mean that the texting is inappropriate.

 

I don't know that you mean to do this, but you give the impression that a spouse can't be trusted to walk around the corner unless they can provide proof of their activities. The moment they go out of view, they are immediately under suspicion.

 

I could not stay in a marriage with anyone who requires that level of supervision, or who would require it of me. It's way too much work, and contrary to the spirit of marriage. I'd rather trust somebody and risk disappointment than constantly run verification checks on their fidelity.

 

Once my spouse were found to be faithless, then she'd be no good to me anymore, and that would be the end of that, no further disclosure desired or required. I'm also quite sure I wouldn't pin her scarlet letter on the next woman to come along either; I'd consider it a personal character flaw, rather than a character flaw of the entire gender.

 

What you describe sounds like a modern day chastity belt. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We lost dear family members a few months apart. It was nice having someone who understood.

 

You glossed over this! If you do any research you will find that a death in the family is a very common precursor to affairs. In addition, I assume that some "special" bonding resulted out of this commonality. If not for you, then for him.

 

His bday was 2 weeks ago. I sent him a small gift.

Bad idea. Poor boundaries. He could have read too much into your gesture.

 

Then, late that night I got a text (out of character) telling me his wife saw the previous text because she was in the vehicle with him. He told me she thought there was something between us and it caused a huge argument.

 

I was very surprised. Why would he even tell me that? I didn't respond.

 

My opinion is he is grooming you; testing the waters to see how you respond. My advice is to tighten up on the boundaries. If necessary read "Not Just Friends".

[Mrs. John Adams]

Lying by omission is indeed lying, but not all omissions are lies.

 

Doing something in secret is hiding, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

 

Maintaining a texting regime with someone without voluntarily sending cc:'s to one's spouse does not mean that the texting is inappropriate.

 

I don't know that you mean to do this, but you give the impression that a spouse can't be trusted to walk around the corner unless they can provide proof of their activities. The moment they go out of view, they are immediately under suspicion.

 

I could not stay in a marriage with anyone who requires that level of supervision, or who would require it of me. It's way too much work, and contrary to the spirit of marriage. I'd rather trust somebody and risk disappointment than constantly run verification checks on their fidelity.

 

Once my spouse were found to be faithless, then she'd be no good to me anymore, and that would be the end of that, no further disclosure desired or required. I'm also quite sure I wouldn't pin her scarlet letter on the next woman to come along either; I'd consider it a personal character flaw, rather than a character flaw of the entire gender.

 

What you describe sounds like a modern day chastity belt. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

 

 

I hold myself accountable ... my husband doesn't need to. So the prison you speak of is self inflicted because I know what remorse feels like. I know what devastation to my spouse looks like and I won't do it again. I would much rather wear a modern day chastity belt than to cheat again.

 

I believe if you are doing something in secret you can validate it in your mind and can easily take the next step. I did that and each step gets you closer to infidelity. Been there done that

 

My set of boundaries don't have to be yours but if you come here seeking advice about a relationship you fear is crossing the line then perhaps you also need to tighten your boundaries. This young woman does not want to cheat ...she does not want to lose her husband.

 

I almost lost mine

[Starswillshine]

Bottom line.... his wife is not comfortable with your "relationship"/"friendship" that should be the end of discussion.

 

I wouldn't want to be the cause of drama in someone else's home.

[harrybrown]

Does your H get to have an emotional affair on the side like you do

or is your marriage only open on one side? (which is called cheating)

[Doorstopper]

 

In all of this, I never felt anything more than friendship. After all, I had a similar relationship with some of the others I work with in the same capacity.

 

 

So is she a serial cheater because she has similar relationships with others?

[Doorstopper]

I think it wise to point out that the man may think more of this relationship than she does, especially since, from her description of him, he likely has few if any female friends, but to say she is in an affair is a stretch. Should she take steps to "tone down" the relationship... absolutely yes but that is because of his behavior, not hers. And of course, she should tell her husband, if she hasn't already.

[wonderingin22land]

Thank you everyone for your insight.

 

A couple of things...

 

Yes, my husband knew I was buying the gift. Or he knew I was considering a couple of different things. His response was either would be cool, but he didn't know him as well so he didn't have an opinion on which would be better. I didn't circle back and tell him, but there was a charge to one of the places I had mentioned so I didn't hide it.

 

Also, my husband stops by my work often. He's shown up while I was on the phone. He hears everything I say, none of which is different from what I say when he's not there. If we discuss something my husband would find interesting I tell him. If it's not, I don't, mainly because my husband knows I love to talk and told me many years ago I didn't need to cover the entire 10 hours we were apart when we see each other again.

 

I do not plan on sending any more funny texts as I do not want the drama. He often speaks of his wife, always in a positive light.

 

I posted in this section, because of the text about his wife. That text he sent was out of left field. Until then I viewed our relationship as strictly business friends. I still do, it's just that text made it extremely awkward when my mind nor heart had gone in that direction and I didn't see any indications his had either.

[Marc878]

Thank you everyone for your insight.

 

A couple of things...

 

Yes, my husband knew I was buying the gift. Or he knew I was considering a couple of different things. His response was either would be cool, but he didn't know him as well so he didn't have an opinion on which would be better. I didn't circle back and tell him, but there was a charge to one of the places I had mentioned so I didn't hide it.

 

Also, my husband stops by my work often. He's shown up while I was on the phone. He hears everything I say, none of which is different from what I say when he's not there. If we discuss something my husband would find interesting I tell him. If it's not, I don't, mainly because my husband knows I love to talk and told me many years ago I didn't need to cover the entire 10 hours we were apart when we see each other again.

 

I do not plan on sending any more funny texts as I do not want the drama. He often speaks of his wife, always in a positive light.

 

I posted in this section, because of the text about his wife. That text he sent was out of left field. Until then I viewed our relationship as strictly business friends. I still do, it's just that text made it extremely awkward when my mind nor heart had gone in that direction and I didn't see any indications his had either.

 

Given time it can escalate and very often does. It sounds like you're in denial of what this is or may end up being.

 

Get a copy of "Not Just Friends".

[Overtaxed]

You glossed over this! If you do any research you will find that a death in the family is a very common precursor to affairs. In addition, I assume that some "special" bonding resulted out of this commonality. If not for you, then for him.

 

Bad idea. Poor boundaries. He could have read too much into your gesture.

 

 

 

My opinion is he is grooming you; testing the waters to see how you respond. My advice is to tighten up on the boundaries. If necessary read "Not Just Friends".

 

This is exactly what's going on here. Testing the waters, grooming you..

 

Listen, I know it's sad and all, but having opposite sex friends who are sexually interesting/interested in you is about as good an idea for your marriage as playing catch with your husband using hand grenades. It's gonna go off, and both of you are going to get terribly hurt. Why is this friendship so important that you're willing to play such a dangerous game? Just walk away, NEVER TXT a member of the opposite sex unless it's 100% work related, and establish very hard/strict boundaries. Otherwise it's just a question of "when" not "if". I know others disagree with me and think I'm far too hard line on this, but, there's just no good reason for a man to be friends with an attractive female if he doesn't want to sleep with her.

 

Humorous video that might be helpful. Yes, we will have those feelings, and our friendship will always be colored with "this would be much better if she was naked". I'm sorry, it's the way we are, don't put on rose colored glasses dealing with men.