Continuation (nearly 3 years later)

[KMA]

Hello! I posted my story here during JAN-JUL 2014. If you search under my nick "KMA" you will find the details and the discussion. Interesting discussion and instructive one - for me.

Anyway, to make the long story short - I was suspecting my wife of nearly 20 years of cheating with me in the beginning of or marriage... I slowly got obsessed to discover was it true or not ... Invested a lot of efforts with no results - difficult task - this what I call "historic intelligence". My wife is tough, direct interrogation would not work.

Fast forward, 3 years .... And I had invented a method (out of scratch) ... and the method worked ... My wife provided the info to a third party (I made the whole story, third party fake) ... And you know what ... Yes, she cheated, with the suspected guy (11 years older than us)... what's more, affair lasted (very infrequently but long - 1999 -2006, yes 7 years!!! And by what she also states to the fake, non-existant 3rd party, sex was fantastic and emotional connection strong, some sexual practices in this affair, she never did with me, never.

She never have had any other affair, she is the perfect mother and good caring wife, and super sexy, beautiful "milf" (at 44, I'm 45)... I still love her much.

I still did not make my mind should I do something.

Only result for time being is the hysteric bonding, I need sex with her 3 times daily, she is a bit reluctant sometimes but complies.

 

I have been labelled in this forum as paranoid ... I think partially true.

As insecure (possibly partially true)...

And as trying to justify my own hypothetic cheating ... NOT TRUE... I have been always faithful to my wife, and after the BIG DISCOVERY, I an even less tempted to cheat (and have a constant opportunity, a collaborator really cute ... etc.)

 

So, I don't know, please, share your points and opinions, the are always instructive.

 

Our two cute daughters were both born after 2008: and I have checked DNA tests, they are mine (obvious from outside even without DNA test)... so, please, do not indulge in this direction.

 

Nor in direction of current affairs, there are none after 2006.

 

Thanks!

[GoldenR]

A seven year affair, and you want to keep her?

 

I wish you luck, you're gonna need it.

[Marc878]

Hello! I posted my story here during JAN-JUL 2014. If you search under my nick "KMA" you will find the details and the discussion. Interesting discussion and instructive one - for me.

Anyway, to make the long story short - I was suspecting my wife of nearly 20 years of cheating with me in the beginning of or marriage... I slowly got obsessed to discover was it true or not ... Invested a lot of efforts with no results - difficult task - this what I call "historic intelligence". My wife is tough, direct interrogation would not work.

Fast forward, 3 years .... And I had invented a method (out of scratch) ... and the method worked ... My wife provided the info to a third party (I made the whole story, third party fake) ... And you know what ... Yes, she cheated, with the suspected guy (11 years older than us)... what's more, affair lasted (very infrequently but long - 1999 -2006, yes 7 years!!! And by what she also states to the fake, non-existant 3rd party, sex was fantastic and emotional connection strong,

 

some sexual practices in this affair, she never did with me, never.

She never have had any other affair, she is the perfect mother and good caring wife, and super sexy, beautiful "milf" (at 44, I'm 45)... I still love her much.

I still did not make my mind should I do something.

Only result for time being is the hysteric bonding, I need sex with her 3 times daily, she is a bit reluctant sometimes but complies.

 

Nope. That's how you perceive her to be. A 7 year affair is the reality.

 

I have been labelled in this forum as paranoid ... I think partially true.

As insecure (possibly partially true)...

And as trying to justify my own hypothetic cheating ... NOT TRUE... I have been always faithful to my wife, and after the BIG DISCOVERY, I an even less tempted to cheat (and have a constant opportunity, a collaborator really cute ... etc.)

 

So, I don't know, please, share your points and opinions, the are always instructive.

 

Our two cute daughters were both born after 2008: and I have checked DNA tests, they are mine (obvious from outside even without DNA test)... so, please, do not indulge in this direction.

 

Nor in direction of current affairs, there are none after 2006.

 

Thanks!

 

It's totally up to you. What do you want now that you know?

 

You seem to be minimalizing her actions. Bottom line she was/is a cheating liar for a long period of time.

[Mrs. John Adams]

May I ask please...you have been absent for a long time...and you come here to update us.

 

YOu are not asking questions or opinions. what is it you hope to hear from us?

Our opinion of what you have disclosed?

 

You know that your wife cheated for 7 years....you doubted the paternity of your children...thankfully they are yours. What do you want now?

 

Happily ever after?

 

That depends on you. If you can accept what she has done...if you are happy...then you dont need us to tell you that you are right or you are wrong.

 

You say she is a good wife and mother. If you beleive that...our opinions mean nothing.

 

I wish you happiness and peace

[Doorstopper]

If what you say is true: Your wife is cheater and a liar. The fact that she admitted to a single affair to this fictional 3rd party does not mean there haven't been more affairs. She may even, currently be in an affair. Its one thing to admit to someone that they had an affair, another to admit multiple affairs.

 

A liar will only confess to what they want you to know, whether they are confessing to a husband, a best friend, or a fictional 3rd party.

[deadsoul]

I don't really know what to say here....

 

 

sex three times a day... color me impressed. I guess I'm still stuck on that.

 

It comes down to you. Can you forgive and move forward? It doesn't sound like you have. 7 years is a long time. And the fact that she hid it and didn't confess doesn't help either.

 

I know that my BH feels all of last year of our life was a lie due to my A. So do you feel your whole relationship was a lie since it happened before? And for 7 years?

[WilyWill]

It's your life and your wife. But if my wife willingly did things with another man that she refused for me, it would be an instant dealbreaker.

[Poutrew]

Well, I congratulate you on your persistence, if nothing else. But what opinions or conclusions do you want from us? To me, it sounds like you are asking us if it is OK for you to be a cuckolded husband. Only you can answer that.... IF it were me, I would dump this woman. I could never trust her again. For 7 years she had an amazing, emotional and sexual connection with someone else while lying directly to your face. You do realize that even if there is not another affair in her life, the 'amazing connection' she had with the OM is something that even now she nurtures and sustains in her heart. Guy, she doesn't want to have sex with you 3 times a day, or even once a week. She wants the other man. You are going to be merely a stand-in for that. So, how do you feel about being a ghost in your own house? A shadow husband to an unwilling adulteress? Me, I'd be doing some house cleaning, and leaving those big, steamy piles of poop on the curb for the trash man to take away....

[Just a Guy]

Hi KMA, with what you have written the following facts are established.

 

a). Your wife cheated on you early on in your marriage and the affair continued for 7 years.

 

b). She did not confess voluntarily but was tricked by you into confessing to a fake third party.

 

c). Your attempts at getting it out of her were stone walled because as per your own admission she is a tough nut to crack.

 

d). After her affair ended in 2006 she has been on the level and has been a good wife and a good mother.

 

e). Your wife had awesome sex with her affair partner and indulged in some acts that she has never done with you.

 

f). Your daughters born after 2008 are both yours as confirmed by DNA tests.

 

g). After 2006, as per your estimate your wife has been on the level and has not/ is not having an affair.

 

With these facts on the table what is it that you want the forum members to advise you? As Mrs.John Adams has said if you are happy and are bonding well with your wife and she is a good mother and wife and is not having more affairs then it is your call not to rock the boat, suck up the past and carry on regardless. On the other hand if all this information is new for you and it is as if she finished having her affair yesterday and you are heart broken then if it is a deal breaker for you I would think divorce is the only option to extricate yourself honourably from this mess. Of course it means upsetting your comfortable life, breaking up the family and finally sharing your children between the two of you as also financially impoverishing yourself. Does your wife work and if so can she support herself financially independent of you? If you do divorce would you have to pay her a huge amount in alimony and child support? These are questions that you have to ponder on and take a call.

 

What your wife has done is beyond shameful and horrible. Also the fact is that she has stone walled your efforts to find out about her sleazy activity and so there is no remorse there. If you confront her she may want you to sweep everything she did under the rug and carry on as normal. Would she even feel remorseful given her attitude? I doubt it. So all this is on the table in front of you and you are the man in the driver's seat who has to take a call on this after considering all the facts. Think about it. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

You gloss over the last confrontation. What was her excuse for all the stonewalling and gaslighting?

 

I'd be divorcing her just for that.

[Grapesofwrath]

"Only result for time being is the hysteric bonding, I need sex with her 3 times daily, she is a bit reluctant sometimes but complies."

 

Alarm bells ringing here, for me. What do you mean, "she complies?"

[NTV]

Just because you found something doesn't mean you aren't paranoid. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi NTV, can you clarify?

[NTV]

Finding something doesn't mean he isn't also paranoid. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

 

And what if, after three years of obsessing over it, his wife notices and just makes something up because she's at her wits end with the paranoia?

 

What it the sexy sidekick is lying to push a divorce because she wants him?

 

What if the sidekick is the real affair partner and they're just playing some crazy game?

 

Who really knows?

[aliveagain]

Have you confronted her? Friend a 7 year affair is not an affair it's a second life. The other guy got more variety then you, she liked it and had a deep emotional attachment to him, my guess is that she still has a deep emotional attachment to him. What makes you think it has stopped? What's to stop it from starting again? She has done nothing to protect you from it happening again, she is still broken and a very high risk of repeating. Sounds to me like they are on another break. Have you exposed the other man to his wife or significant other? What were her consequences for betraying you for 7 years? Worst thing you can do is nothing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi NTV, Wow! Boggles the mind. Too many permutations and combinations for my understanding. If that be true I am really gobsmacked at the wilyness of people. Thanks and warm wishes.

[harrybrown]

when do you get the seven year A?

 

When will she do these things with you that she did with him?

 

How do you know she has not contacted him lately?

 

You need a confrontation and soon or else just file for D.

 

If she had one seven year A, she is smart and good at hiding her separate life.

 

Maybe she has and is continuing to have affairs.

 

Hope you wake up soon. She does not respect you and thinks you are stupid.

 

What else has she hidden from you? have you been tested for stds?

[Mr. Lucky]

Fast forward, 3 years .... And I had invented a method (out of scratch) ... and the method worked ... My wife provided the info to a third party (I made the whole story, third party fake)

 

You might want to describe your "3rd party method", could be useful to other BS in a similar situation.

 

I still did not make my mind should I do something.

Only result for time being is the hysteric bonding, I need sex with her 3 times daily, she is a bit reluctant sometimes but complies.

 

Hysterical bonding and her compliance would indicate there was a DDay.

 

Does she know you know?

 

Mr. Lucky

[KMA]

Thank you for your replies.

Just briefly trying here to address some of the points.

About the seven years affair... frequency of sex occasions during the affair of my wife was more or like the following: 1999 (30; I was in another country; later she joined me, her lover remained in 5000 km away); 2000 (2, her trip of 5 days to country where love lives); 2001 (0), 2002 (0); 2003 (0); 2004 (1); 2005 (0), 2006 (4) ... end...!

I try not to be protective to her, probably I'm good in investigations but not in understanding relations.

Since it was asked, I'm not happy, but not ready to break for many reasons:

1. My daughters;

2. I love my wife, and I enjoy sex with her very much to level of obsession... stupid possibly, after 20 y. of marriage and after I knew what she had done.

3. Financial reasons;

4. Way of life we have optimised together;

 

However, at some moments (many) I feel furious. Mostly because:

1. "Their sex was fantastic"

2. She did things that she does not do with me during sex. That's terrible.

Some of you mentioned that as the most irritating, infuriating ... I agree...

As consequence, I resort to more abusive sex, strangely again she does not complain (the other guy was abusive, yes ... I have never been until now).

 

AND ... I have not confronted her, obviously. YET. Otherwise, I'd say that here.

The thing is, that if I confront her, this may be the END. And I'm unprepared.

 

Sometimes, I think, I cannot bring myself to hurt her in any way, emotionally, physically (except a bit abusive ad rough sex) or financially. Now, the lover, that's another matter... But again does not seem to me much satisfying.

 

I feel like I do not believe what I have disclosed.

[Bryanp]

If you had a 7 year sexual affair putting your wife at risk for STD's do you really think she would have been acting like you. She has shown she has no respect for you.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[aliveagain]

I don't know about you but 37 times with another man is 37 times too many for me. Who says the O/M wasn't doing it 3 times each time they met too? Bottom line, you need to confront her because there is way to much dishonesty in your marriage. Marriages with years of deception and lies rarely work out. The problem I see is your not safe with this woman. She has proven over and over again if an opportunity arises and she thinks she can get away with it she won't hesitate to act on it. A good wife and mother is supposed to protect you when your not there to do it yourself, she fails miserably.

 

This is your life, you don't have to do a thing about this. If your happy sharing her heart and her body with other men who are we to tell you not to. Don't do anything and enjoy whatever part of herself she is willing to share with you. Do you ever wonder who she's thinking about when your intimate? I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that could keep that big a secret from me. I would give her one chance to tell me everything or I would fire her as my wife. I think there is one too many in your relationship, one of you has to go.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes, I think, I cannot bring myself to hurt her in any way, emotionally, physically (except a bit abusive ad rough sex) or financially. Now, the lover, that's another matter...

 

Which one of those two took a vow to love and honor you? Which one lied to you every day of the affair?

 

And yet you want to make love to her but beat him up. Your anger is misplaced...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoldenR]

We can all tell that you're neither going to leave her nor confront her. I'm not sure what you're looking for here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We can all tell that you're neither going to leave her nor confront her. I'm not sure what you're looking for here.

 

sometimes i confess i wonder this about most of the threads.

 

did you come here to tell us your story...however you dont really want anything form us on the forum.

 

Do you just want us to tell you...that what you are doing is great?

 

i have no idea

[Cephalopod]

There are some threads I wish I had never wandered into. This is one of them.