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Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th March 2018, 4:10 PM   #541
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All,

Point is Deepremorse, has several things going on,

One, he could be looking for closer and will tell her face to face it is over, and do not darken my door again. I warned her that she may not like the out come.

Two, he could offer the GIFT of a second chance, she will have to earn it. She has a long way to go, and it takes a lifetime. This is something that will be with both of them forever. Yes you can be happy together, but both will know at one time she cheated. It will color the marriage.

All we have is our opinions, and no one really knows what is going on. All we can advise is from our own life experiences. We need to respect each other. Mrs JA is right, DP has much work to do and it will take sometime. AS for her going and seeing him, well that is between the two of them. It may not be the bed of roses we think. In any case, DR life is going to filled with the hard work to ether get over him, or make it up to him. In ether case, she has a long hard road to travel.

I wish her luck......
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Old 6th March 2018, 9:37 AM   #542
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I think DR has that same belief, of course she could be wrong but he is opening the door....to what? Hmm guess she will find out and go from there.
For some reason, he has not door-slammed DR yet. I felt he left the door open just enough to see what DR is doing. Else she didn't seem to have a chance the way she described the situation initially.
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Old 13th March 2018, 1:19 PM   #543
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I agree with you in part, im not sure DR is ready for reconciliation, I don't think she has actually done much in terms of self-examination and WHY she thought what she was doing during the affair was OK. The "I don't knows" and "I don't know what I was thinking" won't get her far, she will need something more tangable than that.

With that being said, had lovin respected my wishes we would not be where we are now. She had a strong belief that she was what was best for me.

I think DR has that same belief, of course she could be wrong but he is opening the door....to what? Hmm guess she will find out and go from there.
I don't think I am the best for him. But I definitely think we make a good couple.
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Old 13th March 2018, 1:32 PM   #544
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What has transpired since you've seen him?
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Old 13th March 2018, 2:47 PM   #545
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What has transpired since you've seen him?
I returned yesterday.

As suggested throughout this thread, I did really set my expectations to not get burned again. I know we are getting divorced. I have never fought with him over this in last year and I didn't do it during my visit. That's his way out, I can't block that.

Mrs. JA asked a question, why you want to visit?My husband asked the similar question but in a different way. Why take the offer after more than 7-8 months?? Why did you wait ?? I tried to be honest with my feelings to answer that. Taking the opportunity I did ask him why he said yes to my request. His reply was:" I know you love me and I want you to be happy". I was definitely very very happy when he said yes to my visit. Our divorce is set for June. Still not sure why he moved to june from Dec. I didn't ask him - why?? But I did ask him if he saw us as a couple in future. He replied he hasn't thought about it. He also added he is not going to be in a relationship anytime soon. He is enjoying his single life. So I don't have to worry about anyone. :-)

Outside these conversation, we were like a couple. Met his friends including the long legged russian girl. They know about us getting a divorce but they don't know the reason I think. Forgot to add. Since he is not active in any social media platform, I didn't know how he looked now. Let's just say "smokin". He came to the airport to pick me up and I stayed at his place. It was definitely a difficult week for him. He could only manage in the morning and evening hours for us to move around and see places.
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Old 13th March 2018, 2:57 PM   #546
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Maybe there is a possibility of the two of you becoming a couple again after the divorce. But don't get your hopes up that he will marry you again.
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Old 13th March 2018, 3:05 PM   #547
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I returned yesterday.

Outside these conversation, we were like a couple. Met his friends including the long legged russian girl. They know about us getting a divorce but they don't know the reason I think. Forgot to add. Since he is not active in any social media platform, I didn't know how he looked now. Let's just say "smokin". He came to the airport to pick me up and I stayed at his place. It was definitely a difficult week for him. He could only manage in the morning and evening hours for us to move around and see places.
She is a doll. Pretty inside and super gorgeous outside. If my husband says he is in an relationship with her, I would definitely be happy for him. She is 100% his type. It turns out she is his co-worker. Didn't get any signs that she wants more than friendship with my husband. But I don't know.

On a side note, we are now friends on social media. And she dropped me a message in fb asking if I reached safely or not.
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Old 13th March 2018, 3:10 PM   #548
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Maybe there is a possibility of the two of you becoming a couple again after the divorce. But don't get your hopes up that he will marry you again.
I have low hopes for us becoming a couple again. Marriage is something I haven't thought about at all. But I have come to accept these facts. He is moving to NYC. A city full of pretty and gorgeous women. My chances are next to nothing. Plus things are not moving for the request I had dropped for the transfer to NYC office.
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Old 13th March 2018, 3:14 PM   #549
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I am very glad you took the opportunity to have the experience. I am sure he thought you too were smoking. The heart wants what the heart wants so who knows what the future has in store for you. Your actions now and in the future will say a lot about who you now are.
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Old 13th March 2018, 5:03 PM   #550
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Thanks for the update, DR. It sounds to me as if your expectations are realistic. I was touched that you wrote you'd be happy for him if he got with the Russian girl. That you feel that way makes you more attractive than you already are and is a very loving thought. I don't know that you've mentioned your own appearance so am believing you're pretty secure in who you are and not self absorbed, also attractive traits to have.

We will see what the future holds. Please continue to update if you're so inclined.
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Old 14th March 2018, 12:25 AM   #551
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100%

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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I have low hopes for us becoming a couple again. Marriage is something I haven't thought about at all. But I have come to accept these facts. He is moving to NYC. A city full of pretty and gorgeous women. My chances are next to nothing. Plus things are not moving for the request I had dropped for the transfer to NYC office.
You made horrible decisions that led to the end your marriage
You realized it and bared your soul to LS,your family, his family and your husband.
You tried your best to accept responsibility and stay married. Yes, you made mistakes along the way but you pursued your wants with a fervor.
Infidelity evokes an emotion no one can seemingly predict as to how they will react. Some maintain it's a deal-breaker, and it turns out it's not. With others, it's the end. You just happened to marry a man who was firm and decisive with his decision. Many BH's offer to reconcile, you just happen to marry one who didn't. You spared no pride or ego in your efforts to reconcile and you can at least say, you gave it your all.

Last edited by Colin Grant; 14th March 2018 at 12:27 AM..
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Old 14th March 2018, 1:44 AM   #552
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I have low hopes for us becoming a couple again. Marriage is something I haven't thought about at all. But I have come to accept these facts. He is moving to NYC. A city full of pretty and gorgeous women. My chances are next to nothing. Plus things are not moving for the request I had dropped for the transfer to NYC office.
I really don't understand your thought process. This man has left the door open, time and time again. He asked you why did you not come see him 8 months ago. He has delayed the divorce 3 times and will probably do it again if you visit him a few more times. When asked why he said yes to your visit, he said "because I know you love me and I want to make you happy" Okay.

You words portray your husband as ruthless, but his actions do not show a man who is in a hurry to divorce.

Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

If deep down you don't want the marriage, then leave him be. But if you want him as a man, husband and father to your children, stop with the pity party and do a little heavy lifting. He left the door open. Take another step.

Getting on the phone and asking when would be a good time for another visit, seems like a good start. This isn't a question of hope. It is a question of effort.

Oh and we all want to know. Did you sleep together?

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 14th March 2018 at 2:00 AM..
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Old 14th March 2018, 11:51 AM   #553
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I really don't understand your thought process. This man has left the door open, time and time again. He asked you why did you not come see him 8 months ago. He has delayed the divorce 3 times and will probably do it again if you visit him a few more times. When asked why he said yes to your visit, he said "because I know you love me and I want to make you happy" Okay.

You words portray your husband as ruthless, but his actions do not show a man who is in a hurry to divorce.
You are just reading the verbatim as he told. But the question didn't come with expressions or face that suggested he missed me. He was more of a curious why suddenly I accepted it.

I think the reason for him delaying the divorce is something to do with the legal technicalities of mutual consent divorce rather than him giving me another chance. It was a firm and clear statement that he also repeated there about divorce.

Also, he is two completely different people when he is in person and otherwise. Throughout our 4 year relationship, I have seen that. Can't equate something he does other time to what he does when he is present with you. The things he says as stupid on phone, he will do them in person.

Quote:
Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

If deep down you don't want the marriage, then leave him be. But if you want him as a man, husband and father to your children, stop with the pity party and do a little heavy lifting. He left the door open. Take another step.

Getting on the phone and asking when would be a good time for another visit, seems like a good start. This isn't a question of hope. It is a question of effort.

Oh and we all want to know. Did you sleep together?
I meant he looked happy. I don't want to disturb his peace of mind. Plus he is moving, so not a good idea to impose me on him again.

But I did put it out that I will try to correct myself and be a safe partner later in life but he has to give me a chance to prove it. He said he will see. Even though I wanted to discuss "us" before/ during the affair, he didn't want so I dropped it. He was clear that he didn't want to get into a relationship anytime soon. Plus he wants the divorce to happen. That's something he is looking forward to and I don't want to fight it with him on that.

Don't want to be too pushy with him. Trust me my love for him has not died. It's still there and more after my visit. Till now I have acted based on my anticipations and emotions. I just want to do the right thing now. My gut says wait and give him more time. The hurt is still there, I could feel it.

But I showed my vulnerability to certain things and he reciprocated to them. I think I have opened a communication channel with him and we can regularly start talking again. Plus he is going to come here in May after he settles down at NYC. I am looking forward to that.
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Old 14th March 2018, 1:20 PM   #554
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Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.
I not that stupid. Saying just what I felt. There were 5 other girls and I didn't say anything about them. Only saying about her because I felt they had a connection. Reminded me of our early days. On top of that she is so pretty, well dressed and smart. Who won't?

Anyway, I don't have to worry about it. He is moving to NYC. Unless she is secretly planning to do the same, I don't see any potential romantic story there.

Also, she knows that I want him back. When he was not there, she politely asked me if I didn't want the divorce. I got teary-eyed and she understood my sentiments.
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Old 14th March 2018, 1:33 PM   #555
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Russian women are dangerous. She will burn him worse than you did.
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